Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Please help me work out the right thing to do here.

29 replies

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 06:27

I spoke to my boyfriend about this a few weeks ago. A woman we are both friends with has taken to bring very flirty with him in front of me since we got together. At the same time, she is less friendly with me - I no longer hear from her; messages I do send are not really responded to. There's a sense of 'hostility' now where there previously wasn't.

She has told me straight out previously that she was jealous of me when we first met and it took her a long time to warm to me. She has also told me that she thinks my boyfriend fancies her (all very childish, I know). I don't believe for a second that she has any genuine interest in him but she likes the idea that all the men fancy her (they don't) and I think she sees my social status as elevated since we got together. I believe this has caused her previous feelings towards me to resurface. And she is quite OTT around him. She is married.

I don't have any concerns at all that he does fancy her but I find her behaviour to be irritating and disrespectful and he hasn't shut it down adequately for me.

After we spoke about it, he reassured me he had no interest and would make sure she didn't have the opportunity to be flirty with him and he has stuck by this.

However...

During an unrelated conversation yesterday, he opened up a message he'd received from her to clarify some details about something. Again, I have no issue with them messaging. They're friends. But, the message from her was quite 'needy' and fishing for compliments and ended with a friendly "luv ya xxx" His response was to reassure her but not in an overly gushy way, more a "Yeah, don't worry about that. It's not something to worry about" type response but without actually flattering her and ended with a "luv ya xx". Again. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't bother me.

But then he scrolled back up, went too far and I caught a quick glimpse of 2 previous messages she'd sent which were littered with ❤ and 🥰 no response to either from him. I didn't see the content but I pretty much know they won't have been 'inapproproate' just a bit 'unnecessary'.

Again, I don't think there's anything going on but trust is a massive issue for me. I can't be with someone if I don't trust them 100% which is why I've never had a relationship last for more than 6 months and have spent most of my life single.

I don't want to be in a situation where I feel hostility. And I don't want to be with someone I can't trust to mean what they say. I hate the thought that she is being all needy and flirty around him thinking she has one over on me and I can't deal with the thought that maybe he is going to tell me what he thinks I want to hear and behave accordingly in front of me but then do differently 'behind my back'. Then again, he hasn't actually 'done anything' and I do trust him (not naively and I'm prepared to be proven wrong on it).

He doesn't behave inappropriately in response but isn't 'managing' the situation in the way I'd like. But then I'm not sure if the way I'd like is fair.

I don't know if it's worth telling him again how I feel about this or whether it's just a walk away situation. He isn't encouraging her but he isn't actively shutting it down either. He's just 'ignoring'.

OP posts:

Hesback · 20/04/2022 06:33

He’s not closing her down though is he?
He is probably enjoying the attention.
How long you been together and exactly how important is this woman? Close friend or acquaintance?

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 06:45

No. He's not really.

He's not 'encouaging' either but he doesn't want to fall out or have a confrontation because of the wider friendship group whereas as I am (generally) more direct. He's hoping that if he 'ignores' her, she'll get the message and back off and, tbh, "Don't put ❤ and 🥰 in your messages to me," is a bit of an odd thing to say!

How important is she? As important as anyone else in the friendship group. I have no desire to socialise with her anymore and, to be fair to him, he's suggested we avoid group social situations where she is involved since we spoke. The don't ever meet up alone but she seems to message him a fair but. He responds to questions but doesn't initiate or encourage.

I'm quite prepared to walk away, I always an, but things with him are literally perfect other than this one thing.

If I were him, I'd ignore the flirting too and respond as a friend in this situation. It's the fact he knows she thinks she is getting one over on me that bothers me more. I know he tells her that he loves me and drops it in quite often.

I don't know if I'm being overly obsessive about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 06:46

We've been together for 6 months which is the longest I've been with anyone so I don't know if I'm looking for reasons to end it.

OP posts:

skelter83 · 20/04/2022 06:51

He’s ignoring her by the sounds of it. I think that’s a valid strategy to try and make her stop it without getting involved in a confrontation. He’s in a tricky position I would say.

MrsElm · 20/04/2022 06:56

I think that his texts back to her should not be ending in luv ya xx. That is encouraging her!

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 07:03

I think he is in a tricky position.

We were all out the other week- we have some social things booked that can't be avoided because we've committed to them.

A couple of weeks ago, we were at one of these and I walked up behind him and put my hand on his bum. He jumped, turned around looking shocked, saw me, laughed and said, "Thank fuck its you!"

I don't think it's something he wants but she's pretty thick skinned.

She walked up to him the same night while he had his hands full carrying stuff, put her arms around him and have him a huge hug. He just said, "Get off me will you!" She did but laughed as she did.

I've also noticed that when she does these things, she looks over to me for a reaction. She doesn't get one. I generally sense it coming and look away - I have better things to do than worry about her sort of thing. Because I do. But it means I want nothing to do with the whole group now too.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 07:04

MrsElm · 20/04/2022 06:56

I think that his texts back to her should not be ending in luv ya xx. That is encouraging her!

Yeah I did think that tbh.

Do I say something though?

OP posts:

Soupercat · 20/04/2022 07:09

Relationships shouldnt be this hard.

give yourself a break from him. Ask him to sort gif priorities.

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 07:15

It's generally not hard.

It's generally really easy but I have a niggling suspicion that, whilst this is the first time his boundaries are different to mine in this respect, it won't be the last.

Also to put it into a wider context, he would be absolutely OK if the situation is reversed. He says he trusts me and it doesn't bother him if someone tries to flirt with me. Whereas I find it hugely disrespectful.

OP posts:

Soupercat · 20/04/2022 08:40

Then that’s hard! It’s not normal to be second guessing all the time

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 09:53

Yeah, you're right.

I know for an absolute fact that he wouldn’t have an affair but this is really unsettling and disruptive to my peace and I don't need it.

OP posts:

Bunty55 · 20/04/2022 10:06

And yet you say you are quite prepared to walk away?

Can only speak from my own perspective and that is she is crossing boundaries and he is allowing it to happen so therefore she is too. When and how will it stop if nobody challenges her or if he actually grows a pair and stops the nonsense himself?

oliviastwisted · 20/04/2022 10:12

That would be crossing a line for me. I’d be having a very serious conversation with your boyfriend because he is definitely not shitting this down and is likely flattered by the extra attention.

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 20/04/2022 10:19

Ok so I am in a relationship a similar amount of time to you and before I met my boyfriend I had a male friend who would contact me daily and there would be compliments and I suppose flirting in a way although nothing has ever nor would ever happen between us. When I met my boyfriend I told him I had a male friend and he was fine but it was me who decided that out of respect for my boyfriend and our relationship that I had to drastically cut down on the amount of messaging between me and this male friend and actually looking back, a lot of the messages were inappropriate really (not in a sexual way) so I am glad I did this. I think your boyfriend needs to stop communicating with her as she is clearly trying to annoy you or come between you and him, out of respect for your relationship, needs to shut her down entirely. Putting 'luv ya' on the end of a message between acquaintances is strange as far as I am concerned too just as an aside.

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2022 10:21

I think you need to blow this wide open. She’s getting away with this shit because you’re all pretending it isn’t happening. Talk to everyone else in the friendship group so that they can all see what she’s doing. When she does stuff in front of you, say something like “Oy, what are you up to?” Ask him every day “Have you heard from your stalker today?”

SpinningMeSoftly · 20/04/2022 10:27

He typed "luv ya xx" to a woman he'd supposedly trying to put off?

Fuck that shit. I haven't even got trust issues and I'd tell him to go fuck himself for either playing stupid games or for being too stupid to see it.

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2022 10:35

Or say to the room “look, she can’t keep her hands off him”.

FayCarew · 20/04/2022 10:38

Bin him

DoItAfraid · 20/04/2022 10:42

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2022 10:21

I am not sure if the above would be the best option to be honest. Imploding the whole friendship group would make things very awkward.

In my limited experience, some men avoid confrontation at all costs.

I think you need to explain to your partner that this is now reaching / has reached deal breaking territory and he needs to spell it out to her that it’s not on.

if you want to confront her directly that might be another way. If you want to go all out, raise it when her husband is there perhaps?

Ideally your DP should sort it out though.

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 10:52

Thanks.

Re the her crossing boundaries and him letting her. I agree. He's just minimised it where I might see it.

I wouldn't say something in front of the whole.group - no one likes confrontation and I'd be seen as a the 'problem' because I'd spoken up.

It has reached deal breaker territory but I'm not sure if its too late (I know it is but I don't want to admit it) because I couldn't trust him now. Without checking his phone (which I'm not going to do), I wouldn't know if they were messaging in the same way.

I'm just amazed that after the conversation we had, he opened the messages up and read them sitting next to me with his phone facing me to clarify the details. He knew I was reading it would see the emojis and the "luv ya xx"s.

Fuck that shit. I haven't even got trust issues and I'd tell him to go fuck himself for either playing stupid games or for being too stupid to see it.

Yeah, that's how I feel about it...

I'm reassured that others think it would be crossing a line too.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 10:56

I'm just really sad and a bit stunned by it all tbh though.

We've known each other for years. I believed he actually cared about me and, in every other respect, he does but I'm very aware of the people who show care and love in the ways they want to and are prepared to not if it requires any 'sacrifice' or effort on their part.

Essentially, he's put his want to carry on having this flirtiness carry on over my peace of mind. He's chosen her over me. And that's enough for me.

Otherwise, I'm going to he here again in another few months because its happened again either with her or someone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 11:05

I think your boyfriend needs to stop communicating with her as she is clearly trying to annoy you or come between you and him

I think it's both and, when we talked before, he agreed with it and said he wouldn't give her the opportunity to do so again.

And he has.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarrySlippers · 20/04/2022 11:06

I'd happily walk away from all of them. Not just him. And I told him that when we spoke before. So he knows.

OP posts:

theprincessofliechtenstein · 20/04/2022 11:16

You know your boyfriend best. But have you considered that he may be genuinely flummoxed by what is borderline sexual harassment from this woman? It’s very easy to say in theory just cut her off, but you haven’t - so he has the added impetus of not being rude to a woman you still appear to call your friend. On the facts you’ve given, I feel very sorry for you having this horrible woman around, but I feel sorry for your boyfriend trying to shake off a woman with no respect for his boundaries.

CrowAndArrow · 20/04/2022 11:19

I think you need to talk to him again. He's done 'mostly' the right things (telling her off when she touches him, not messaging her first) maybe he feels that you being able to see the messages means it's okay with you.

Talk to him

Flip

1 2