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Original poster

Friends with opposite sex

33 replies

whattodo87 · 19/04/2022 19:57

Nc for privacy

I don’t have anyone to ask in RL so just looking for options and experience.

Can you be friends with the opposite sex without a new partner feeling jealous and suspicious of you texting/ speaking/ spending time with them ?

I am in this situation and don’t know how to approach things. I don’t know how much to tell my friend about it incase it makes them feel bad towards my partner or our friendship.

I have never been interested in my friend and they have never been interested in me. We enjoy the same hobby and interests and that’s it. We do message but nothing out of the ordinary for friends of the same sex I expect.

This has become a problem as I messaged my friend recently, whilst on a day trip with my partner, and they totally lost it with me. Said awful things about my friend and said that I was dishonest and sneaky.

I didn’t think anything of messaging my friend but was I in the wrong or is it just because they are of the opposite sex and my partner cannot understand the friendship ?

I am at a loss as to what to do now ? I don’t have many friends and find it a struggle to connect with people but I don’t want to upset my partner by seeing or messaging my friend ?

I would never go behind my partners back when I see my friend but I don’t want to be made to feel like a cheat or upset them either.

OP posts:
CoffeeAndCaramel · 19/04/2022 20:02

Presuming you have been friends with the person longer than you've been with your partner? He sounds controlling, you shouldn't need to justify yourself. I'd get rid personally x

WhackingPhoenix · 19/04/2022 20:05

Of course you can. My DP’s best friend is a woman. I adore her and trust them both completely.

My best friend is a gay woman, I am bisexual but there is not a chance that line would be crossed either.

Ringmaster27 · 19/04/2022 20:08

One of my closest friends is a bloke. We quite frequently see eachother without my DP.
I’m terrible for leaving my phone lying about, and DP will often hand me my phone and say “L’s just called/texted you” and doesn’t enquirer further about the content of the text/call because he knows the friendship only ever has been and only ever will be platonic.
Sounds like very controlling, insecure behaviour from your DP Confused

iklboo · 19/04/2022 20:16

I have more male friends than female & we go out after work at least once a month. I've always been the same. DH has no issues as he knows there's zero interest between any of us.

Original poster
whattodo87 · 19/04/2022 20:16

I have know my friend longer yes.

I would like them to be friends but I know that will never happen as my partner took an instant dislike to them when they said that I'd get bored within 2yrs !! It was a joke although not a very funny one 😬

I was worried that you would said it was controlling behaviour and I'm very annoyed that I've been put in this position.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 19/04/2022 20:19

I’ve had a few close male friends over the years . Sadly they have each ruined our friendship by eventually trying it on . Even after many years of friendship .
I think one party often has more feelings than they let on .

Greatoutdoors · 19/04/2022 20:25

The problem here is your partner. There are times when m/f friendships get complicated but not always. He shouldn’t be ‘losing it’ if you speak to a bloke. Have they met? I have a couple of long term male friends who are like family and it would feel weird to get romantically involved with them. Once XH understood our dynamic he became friends with them too and it wasn’t an issue, even if he didn’t get it at first.

6ixty9ine · 19/04/2022 20:29

@Fidgety31

I’ve had a few close male friends over the years . Sadly they have each ruined our friendship by eventually trying it on . Even after many years of friendship . I think one party often has more feelings than they let on .

Same. I used to be one of those women with mostly male friends. They are opportunists, I avoid now. It's impossible to say all but in my vast experience, it's a no from me. I don't think one or two male friends is a massive deal though.

vincettenoir · 19/04/2022 20:29

Of course. Me and dp both have.

This issue is your dp’s. You’ve done nothing wrong. I would make some reassuring noises about your feelings towards him but explain you are not going to give up a friendship because of his insecurities.

Kitty901 · 19/04/2022 20:50

I was recently thinking about the friends i have and how much i share with each one of them. I realised that i was always more open with my male friends that with my girls. I somehow feel they understand me more and never judge or try to compete. My husband is aware that i have male friends and that we would occasionally go for lunch and drinks together after work, at first he was asking questions as to what we talk about, who is he and etc, i think he just wanted to reassure himself that i am doing nothing behind his back. He's never checked my phone or asked me not to see them outside work as most of them i worked with, he has been absolutely cool with it. Yes it all sounds good up to the point where i had to end contacts with them. Unfortunately at some point, they have all shown that they have something more than pure friendship feelings towards me, I found this upsetting and unnecessary. I miss them as friends, i feel I have lost friends. I just could not have been friends with them anymore knowing they want something more. My husband often asks me even now, why don't i go out with R anymore, why don't i invite M over for dinner....i always come up with stupid excuses. I am not sure if i want to have male friends again, i am kind of tired of disappointments.

Purpleberet · 19/04/2022 21:01

Like PPs unfortunately I also found many of my close friendships with men were ruined when they tried to be more than friends. Now I am so nervous of the situation I have hardly any male friends.
I don’t doubt some people of the opposite sex can be just friends just my personal experience it never worked out like that.
Anyway that’s beside the point which is that, regardless of personal experience, if your partner doesn’t trust you then what’s the point. And to try to control who you are friends with is a massive red flag.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 21:06

I had an ex like that, he lost me friendships I still regret losing. He'd accuse me of all sorts and I'd think we'll if you believe that why are you with me? It took me time to realise he didn't believe it, he just wanted to control me.

DH, ten years, three kids, trusts me. He babysit whilst I spend the whole day with male forend twice a year. He doesn't ask who. I text or want to know what. He just trusts me. They came to my wedding, the christening. Even one friend I see weekly at play group, he'd never consider questioning our friendship and my fidelity

Tania64 · 19/04/2022 21:07

I agree that the majority of straight men are not interested in platonic friendships with women. They will pretend that they are & then gradually try to change the dynamics. I stick to friendships with women it's so much easier.

iklboo · 19/04/2022 21:31

I think one party often has more feelings than they let on .

I can honestly say this isn't the case with me & my male friends. Absolutely no sexual attraction or emotional affair potential.

Jonny1265 · 19/04/2022 21:32

DP is being a dick. Have a conversations and if he still finds it an issue. I'd get rid as it doesn't bode well for the future.

whiteroseredrose · 19/04/2022 21:35

@Fidgety31

I’ve had a few close male friends over the years . Sadly they have each ruined our friendship by eventually trying it on . Even after many years of friendship . I think one party often has more feelings than they let on .

That used to happen to me too. Bloody annoying. Now all of my good friends are female. Just easier.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 19/04/2022 21:51

It is my understanding that a man and a woman can never been friends in the true sense of the word. Sure, the woman will think she has a friend, somewhat naively. Someone to share good news with and confide in. Someone caring and non judgemental.
But the man is only a friend because the woman has made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that he cannot be anything but a friend. So he settles. He is a friend. But the moment he believes there is a crack in the armour, a moment of opportunity, he will be the first to slide in. That’s when the friendship ends. Either a romance begins or the relationship dissipates.

From the overreaction it is possible your DH has been there before, done that and got the T-shirt. He is also uncertain whether you will stray and have casual fling with your friend. There seems to be an element of distrust there.

I wouldn’t recommend ending all your friendships to please your man. But given your DH should know you perceive the other man as only a friend, drop hints he should ensure that you are happy in this relationship then the other man will forever be just a friend. But if he screws up you got back ups because you are attractive and plenty other men will be more than willing to replace him Halo
Also congratulate him on becoming your partner rather than “just a friend”.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 21:57

I'm glad I'm fat and plain, at least I know my friends are just friends 😂

Jonny1265 · 19/04/2022 22:01

@roastedsaltedpeanut

It is my understanding that a man and a woman can never been friends in the true sense of the word. Sure, the woman will think she has a friend, somewhat naively. Someone to share good news with and confide in. Someone caring and non judgemental. But the man is only a friend because the woman has made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that he cannot be anything but a friend. So he settles. He is a friend. But the moment he believes there is a crack in the armour, a moment of opportunity, he will be the first to slide in. That’s when the friendship ends. Either a romance begins or the relationship dissipates.

From the overreaction it is possible your DH has been there before, done that and got the T-shirt. He is also uncertain whether you will stray and have casual fling with your friend. There seems to be an element of distrust there.

I wouldn’t recommend ending all your friendships to please your man. But given your DH should know you perceive the other man as only a friend, drop hints he should ensure that you are happy in this relationship then the other man will forever be just a friend. But if he screws up you got back ups because you are attractive and plenty other men will be more than willing to replace him Halo
Also congratulate him on becoming your partner rather than “just a friend”.

This is BS. I'm friends with a lot of women and have no desire to be anything more. My late wife had lots of male friends too who were never anything more than that. It's sad that you have such a low opinion of men and their motives.
Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/04/2022 22:02

Ugh I’d be done with the boyfriend to be honest - nobody to can tell you who you can and can’t be friends with or text

I have heaps of male friends and am happily married to someone

It’s totally normal and your partner sounds a bit controlling

Spacedebret · 19/04/2022 22:55

Blows my mind that people think men can’t be a genuine friend. My dh has two best friends who are women and I have two who are men. They are people first. By the same logic can the bisexual never be trusted to be just friends or is it just a man thing? I have always had male friends who have never over stepped boundaries. I wouldn’t want a partner who behaved like this - says too much about how they see women.

Kitty901 · 19/04/2022 23:07

@Spacedebret

Blows my mind that people think men can’t be a genuine friend. My dh has two best friends who are women and I have two who are men. They are people first. By the same logic can the bisexual never be trusted to be just friends or is it just a man thing? I have always had male friends who have never over stepped boundaries. I wouldn’t want a partner who behaved like this - says too much about how they see women.
I think me and the PP's are talking based on our own experiences, your opinion is based on yours obviously. I am not saying it is impossible, i just think it would be hard and i would always have it on my mind that things can go wrong with a male friend. And yes, because i had that experience i wouldn't like hubby having a female friend 🤣
Sittininafield · 19/04/2022 23:14

I’m another who, based on my experience, would say that women and men can’t really be close friends. All the men I’ve thought of as friends have eventually tried it on.
Your bf sounds like a knob though.

Dimondsareforever · 19/04/2022 23:22

Depends if you are doing it in secret or not….

Kite22 · 19/04/2022 23:43

This is BS. I'm friends with a lot of women and have no desire to be anything more. My late wife had lots of male friends too who were never anything more than that. It's sad that you have such a low opinion of men and their motives.

This.
I have friends that are men and my dh has friends that are women. As is completely normal.
OP Of course you can have friends of the other sex to you.
It does sound as if your friend was incredibly rude and unwelcoming to your new partner though - I'm not surprised your partner doesn't like your friend.

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