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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends with opposite sex

33 replies

whattodo87 · 19/04/2022 19:57

Nc for privacy

I don’t have anyone to ask in RL so just looking for options and experience.

Can you be friends with the opposite sex without a new partner feeling jealous and suspicious of you texting/ speaking/ spending time with them ?

I am in this situation and don’t know how to approach things. I don’t know how much to tell my friend about it incase it makes them feel bad towards my partner or our friendship.

I have never been interested in my friend and they have never been interested in me. We enjoy the same hobby and interests and that’s it. We do message but nothing out of the ordinary for friends of the same sex I expect.

This has become a problem as I messaged my friend recently, whilst on a day trip with my partner, and they totally lost it with me. Said awful things about my friend and said that I was dishonest and sneaky.

I didn’t think anything of messaging my friend but was I in the wrong or is it just because they are of the opposite sex and my partner cannot understand the friendship ?

I am at a loss as to what to do now ? I don’t have many friends and find it a struggle to connect with people but I don’t want to upset my partner by seeing or messaging my friend ?

I would never go behind my partners back when I see my friend but I don’t want to be made to feel like a cheat or upset them either.

OP posts:

YRGAM · 20/04/2022 08:11

Jonny1265 · 19/04/2022 22:01

@roastedsaltedpeanut

It is my understanding that a man and a woman can never been friends in the true sense of the word. Sure, the woman will think she has a friend, somewhat naively. Someone to share good news with and confide in. Someone caring and non judgemental. But the man is only a friend because the woman has made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that he cannot be anything but a friend. So he settles. He is a friend. But the moment he believes there is a crack in the armour, a moment of opportunity, he will be the first to slide in. That’s when the friendship ends. Either a romance begins or the relationship dissipates.

From the overreaction it is possible your DH has been there before, done that and got the T-shirt. He is also uncertain whether you will stray and have casual fling with your friend. There seems to be an element of distrust there.

I wouldn’t recommend ending all your friendships to please your man. But given your DH should know you perceive the other man as only a friend, drop hints he should ensure that you are happy in this relationship then the other man will forever be just a friend. But if he screws up you got back ups because you are attractive and plenty other men will be more than willing to replace him
Also congratulate him on becoming your partner rather than “just a friend”.

This is BS. I'm friends with a lot of women and have no desire to be anything more. My late wife had lots of male friends too who were never anything more than that. It's sad that you have such a low opinion of men and their motives.

I agree with this. I am male and have several close friends who are women, with whom I have never tried it on and don't intend to. I'm certainly not trying to 'slowly change the dynamic' either. I'm sorry a few posters here have had bad experienced with male 'friends' trying it on, but I really don't think it is enough to say men and women can't be friends as a rule

In fact, thinking about it I would consider it pretty unusual if a man under the age of, say, 35 did not have any female friends

Bookworm20 · 20/04/2022 10:44

I think it depends on alot of factors. you said you introduced them? and your friend basically insulted your BF, so they do not get along now.
And you're messaging this friend when out with your BF.

I can see both sides tbh.
Your BF does not like this guy because he put him down in front of you (ask yourself why a good friend of yours would do this. Surely they'd have been pleased to meet the person who was making you happy)
It does suggest that this friend may perhaps be a bit jealous of your relationship and your bf has picked up on that?
And there you are messaging him when out with your BF. Was it so urgent you couldn't message later? Given the fact your bf has an issue with this person after being insulted by them, i think that was somewhat insensitive of you. Think how you'd feel if it was the other way around.

On the other hand you can message who you want, when you want right? But if you want to continue both the friendship and your relationship you are the one that needs to sort this out. Your BF is feeling insecure over this guy, so you need to be doing things to reassure him - not doing the opposite of that in my opinion.
So what if they don't like each other. tough shit. You need to kind of force the issue of them hanging out and if they both respect you they will try and get along for your sake. Tell your friend to not insult your bf anymore - and in fact an apology wouldn't go amiss, and tell your BF to get over himself, theres nothing there and you really need him to get on with your friend.

The fact you let your friend insult your BF the first time they met does make you responsibile in a way for how your BF now feels about this guy.

6ixty9ine · 20/04/2022 13:41

@Kite22

This.
I have friends that are men and my dh has friends that are women. As is completely normal.
OP Of course you can have friends of the other sex to you.
It does sound as if your friend was incredibly rude and unwelcoming to your new partner though - I'm not surprised your partner doesn't like your friend.

Males with lots of female friends also raise an eyebrow for me. My DP had majority female friends and vastly overestimated the relationship. The called them his best friends- I had to remind him that he's probably not theirs, though. Those female friends are almost always going to prefer their other female friends over a bloke they hang out with even they're bored.

Once again, I've been on every side of this, but not I'm distanced from it, hence why I'm not offended and can see clearly, and speak openly.

Also people lie. "Hey, male friend do you fancy me"? They're hardly going to say yes, are they? It's often imbalanced. Of course, they exist. At best, you're not going to fit in the same way, if all your friends are the opposite sex.

6ixty9ine · 20/04/2022 13:45

@YRGAM

In fact, thinking about it I would consider it pretty unusual if a man under the age of, say, 35 did not have any female friends

Nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, that's normal. It's only really a problem when someone only has OS friends and is incapable of making same sex friends. There's usually an underlying reason for that.

Or if there's red flags that others can see (that it's not a genuine friendship). Regardless, if you're just dating and spot them, best to leave rather than trying to dictate the other persons friendships.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2022 14:02

It's only really a problem when someone only has OS friends and is incapable of making same sex friends. There's usually an underlying reason for that. see I think the same applies in reverse. I wouldn't trust a man who didn't have female friends

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 14:55

From a male perspective. One of my closest friends is female. We know more about each other than our families and have many shared interests.

I have never seen her than more than a friend. We get on so well but I'm not attracted to her and knowing so much about her I know a relationship would never work even if one or the other did develop feelings. We have been friends for ten years.

Eyepic · 20/04/2022 16:59

I have a couple of very close friends who are women, been friends for 30+ years with each of them. Nothing other than friendship has or ever will take place. I have had other friends that I have had to steer away from being inappropriate.
My instinctive thoughts are if others have not been able to stay friends and nothing else then it isn't appropriate to blame all men, but look instead at how they conduct their friendships.

Echobelly · 20/04/2022 17:10

DH and I both have friends of opposite sex. TBH, I think there are some people who can be friends like this without sex/attraction getting in the way, and others (a minority I think) who just can't. The ones who can't often seem to assume that anyone who says they can must be lying, but I definitely know it can happen and is in fact quite common. But I imagine it must be hard in a relationship when one of you does and the other (more usually the guy) doesn't - he'll tend to assume that because sexual feelings always creep in between him and women, then they must do between his partner and men she knows.

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