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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To leave partner - becoming abusive

41 replies

Olivia91789 · 19/04/2022 14:43

My partner has always had a temper / got angry quite quickly, and I have told him he needs to get support for this. Although it hasn't been anything major and I've never felt like he would hurt me. We have a child together.

Today he was playing on a PC game and I went to talk to him upstairs about mortgages he wasn't listening so I went over to his computer chair and started joking with him to get his attention - he normally finds this funny . Anyway he told me to stop (as he had died on his game) walked out the room shouting and came back in and grabbed me by the throat for all of 5 seconds but it felt much longer. I have red marks around my neck . I ran downstairs in utter shock , he tried to come down and apologise I said he hurt me so he began shouting and went back up. Now I'm sat here thinking over the weekend he also done something sexually which I didn't want / said no to . The next day he apologized I thought he just got carried away. But I'm not wondering if it's a sign he's starting to get abusive. I don't know why I'm writing here , I suppose I just need to tell someone.

OP posts:
Shiteshow100 · 19/04/2022 14:44

Report this immediately. This is DV and he will just get worse. Protect yourself and your child.

WeeOrcadian · 19/04/2022 14:45

He's shown you who he is, believe him. Call the police, immediately, protect yourself and your child.

oliviastwisted · 19/04/2022 14:47

Yes you are 100% correct your partner is abusive when he doesn’t get his own way.

tkwal · 19/04/2022 14:49

He's not BECOMING abusive. Grabbing you by the neck = assault
Doing ANYTHING sexually you said no to = sexual assault
You need to speak to someone now.

WorriedWoking · 19/04/2022 14:49

I am in no position to advise really because I am in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, but you are too I'm afraid. My husband punched me in the head and stomach years ago and I have never forgiven him. Things seemed to get better and the physical violence ended but he's been verbally abusive for years. Your partner has gone straight in with major violence so I think I would be very worried and try to find a way to leave if you can.

oliviastwisted · 19/04/2022 14:57

@WorriedWoking that is absolutely awful. My MIL is in an abusive relationship with FIL they are nearly 80 and it is still the same. They cause absolute havoc in their children's lives too. Really my only advice for your own sake and for your kids sake is to get out. Same as for OP. Nobody deserves that kind of life.

WorriedWoking · 19/04/2022 15:02

@oliviastwisted, thank you. I didn't mean to detract from the OP's post, and I hope she can find a way out of her situation a lot quicker than I have done.

Bananalanacake · 19/04/2022 15:06

How old is your DC. It's well known that abusers ramp up the abuse when you have a child as they think you're trapped.

Olivia91789 · 19/04/2022 15:13

He's coming up to 2.

You are all right I'm in shock and trying to figure out what to do. I think I'm still in shock

OP posts:
JellyBunny · 19/04/2022 15:15

I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP. It's awful but in some ways something as overt as physical violence makes it easier to leave. I know that sounds awful. My partner is emotionally abusive but it's so easy to make excuses for him when it's "just" shouting and being nasty.

CrowAndArrow · 19/04/2022 15:16

He already is being abusive OP, please get some help and leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2022 15:19

You need to leave immediately. This man could kill you. Call the police, press charges, take pictures of your injuries and get him removed from the property or you leave. You must get away from him.

Shoxfordian · 19/04/2022 15:21

He raped you at the weekend and now he’s physically assaulted you. Phone the police and get out

MrsKeats · 19/04/2022 15:23

Police right now.
Have you got some real life support?

MaverickSnoopy · 19/04/2022 15:26

I've not been in this position but I can imagine when it's someone who is such a big part of your life that you don't want it to be true and that you can't believe it could happen and that it must be a mistake or a one off. The thing is, you can't wait to find out because from what I gather the more it happens the harder it is to leave. Women have died from DV. You must report him.

AndAsIfByMagic · 19/04/2022 15:27

Please call the police. This is only the beginning.

Donotmakeexcusesforarses · 19/04/2022 15:27

I am just typing to second aquamarine's sentiments. Was going to say get photographs before her post did so.

Dial 999. You are entitled to do this.
Take pictures
Make a statement
Don't make excuses or live in hope

Please do not ever accept this sexual assault or the throat grabbing assault.

HollowTalk · 19/04/2022 15:28

Is there somewhere you can go to where you'll be safe?

Dealwithit · 19/04/2022 15:34

@Shiteshow100

Report this immediately. This is DV and he will just get worse. Protect yourself and your child.
Report immediately to the police 999 call
PottyTrainingDisaster · 19/04/2022 15:45

OP I am so sorry that this has happened.
I am here to agree with many PPs - report to the police, find any real life support that you can and get as much distance between you and your partner as you can. Take photographs and make a statement straight away.
I know you are in shock and everyone is piling on saying the same thing - I think we are all just hoping that the more people to confirm this course of action, the more affirming it will be.

Olivia91789 · 19/04/2022 15:46

Luckily I do have parents I can go to with enough room for us and financially I will be okay. The thought of taking my son from him breaks me as he loves his Dad - stupid I know.
I have taken pictures and also recorded him admitting it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/04/2022 15:51

Go to your parents now and call the police from there if you need to; leave that house because you’re not safe with him.

OnGoldenPond · 19/04/2022 15:53

Assault by grabbing by the throat/ choking is the biggest indicator of a man who will eventually kill the person he is assaulting.

I hope you are now calling the police and getting this man out of your life or I fear your little DC will be left without a Mum and at the mercy of a violent man.

So sorry this happened Thanks

catfunk · 19/04/2022 15:55

Op throttling is one of the most serious assaults which is more likely to end in murder than other types of assault.
Police, now.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2022 16:02

Who do you have to support you in real life? Parents? Siblings? Friends?

Your H has crossed two really big lines in quick succession.

He has left you bruised and in shock. I would say there really shouldn't be any return to normalcy after this.

This is not what people do to the person they love. It's what people do when they have developed a sense that the person they once loved is now worthless in their eyes, and a sense that they themselves can do whatever they want to that person. What your H feels toward you is a murderous contempt.

Statistics tell us that an incident involving strangulation is the clearest indicator that a man will one day murder his wife or partner.

You need to immediately take steps to protect yourself. Although you are still feeling, and feeling terrified, you need to take action.

Please reach out to friends or family and tell them he strangled you. Ask for support.

Take photos of your neck. Email them to yourself or to a friend or family member.

You need to call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

Leave a message stating what has happened and the best time and day to call you back so you can talk freely.

See if you have a local Rape Crisis office and talk to them too.

You need to consider calling the police or going to the police station to report what he has done. You can ask to talk to the domestic violence support officer.

In light of the stats related to strangulation, I would say you need to wrap your head around the idea that your relationship is over and your home is no longer a safe place for you.

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