How can I find a way to live with my emotionally abusive H?

[WorriedWoking]

I could leave him, of course, but I have no family and am disabled, so it feels like an almost impossible undertaking. I work in the family business because I can choose my own hours and take time off when my health is too poor to work. I used to have a regular job from my teens to my forties but I was sacked from my last 9 til 5 job for poor attendance when I needed to go into hospital one time too many for my employer's liking. Oh, and I'm also in my mid sixties now, so I'm not exactly sought after in the job market, even if I could manage a normal job.

My husband isn't physically abusive, although he was in the early days of our marriage. He criticises me over and over every day though, in a sort of 'Damned if I do, damned if I don't' kind of way. To explain what I mean, a recent example was where we decided to take up a new hobby together and, because we weren't sure if we'd enjoy it or keep it up, I didn't buy all the equipment/clothing and thought we'd manage with the basics until we decided whether or not to continue. That got me into masses of trouble and he was shouting at me for ages because we weren't 'properly dressed'. Two weeks later I'd learnt my lesson and splashed out on 'all the gear' and he then shouted at me again, swearing his head off because we now apparently didn't need all the gear and I had wasted his money.

I feel exhausted by all the criticism, but when I object he says that I am the one causing all the problems and that if I wasn't constantly criticising him(!) we'd be fine.

He also keeps tabs on me all the time and I have been told off for turning off the thing on my phone that lets him track me, so I've had to turn it back on again and I have realised that he is controlling everything in my life basically, but I don't know what to do to make him back off and leave me alone. I feel trapped, but scared to leave because of my health problems. I earn very little and I wouldn't be allowed to continue working in the family business if I left him. Not sure why I'm posting really and I'll be in trouble if he reads this, but surely he can't unless he's somehow found a way to see what I write online? He does work in IT, but I don't think he could monitor my messages? I really hope not.

I'm sorry you haven't had any replies yet.

I understand how trapped you must be feeling, but you know this isn't right. Controlling people don't change but if you stay it won't get better. You mentioned that he has been physically abusive in the past, would that happen if your disability got worse?

What is your housing and financial situation? Are you able to find somewhere else to live and claim benefits if you don't work?

My advice would be to contact womens aid from another phone as he is tracking yours. What do you want to happen? Split up seems to be your only option as you only get one life!

Good luck and keep posting if it helps

You need to leave... as the above poster said what happens as you get older and in need of more care? Or when you retire?
Do what you can now to get out and enjoy your retirement in peace!!

He could have a key logger on your phone/laptop etc and read everything certainly have all your passwords

hello
You don’t have to try to find a way to live with
Someone who mistreats you? The council can help if you are in need of housing. Yoj can also claim universal credit

Please dont waste any more years on this bully.

He’s tracking your phone? Go and see a solicitor. You know this is not right.

Its really hard to leave if you're financially dependent and your kids are grown (state help is tiny for a lone adult) but you realise you're signing yourself up for an utterly miserable end of life existence. Why not do a year or 2 of logistic nightmare and at least be emotionally free?

Is the house youre in owned? You're on the mortgage? You'd need to declare yourself homeless. You'll help your case by speaking to womens aid. Coercive control is seen as a valid reason to leave/declare homelessness.

Depending on your LA it can take a while to get housing. Many are hard pushed. Tbh call centres are easy to get work in aren't they? If you have the impetus....you can do it. You can do the virtually impossible but you need to be on your last F to give

I know leaving feels impossible but it's what you need to do. At the very least, contact women's aid and take a look at 'the freedom program'

There are obstacles, but getting some help will enable to you break them down into smaller chunks that don't seem so overwhelming.

It will take time, but all you have to do is take the first step.

If you divorced surely the assets that you share would be divided - so the home, the business etc. could you possibly speak with Women’s Aid and/or CAB?

You shouldn’t have to live like this.

So sorry he treats you so badly. Please contact womens aid and get some support and advice on how to leave him. He is a bully. Please don't let him spoil the rest of your life. You are entitled to shared marital assets. Get legal advice. Good luck

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know that I should leave but I feel so tired, physically and emotionally, that I just don't have the strength at the minute to think about making a plan. I've got a form of arthritis which has been caused by another physical illness and I have poor mobility, and also gut damage and I'm really not in good shape.

My husband doesn't really look after me, but he does earn money (he's not highly paid because the business is very small) so that I don't have to worry about buying food, clothing myself and paying for my treatment etc. If he would only leave me alone and let me live without his constant scrutiny I think I could cope. I might not be exactly happy but I'm sure I'd feel better not being criticised all day long.

You sound really beaten down op, I went through this too and I turned from a feircely independent and confident person to a quivering wreck in the space of a few years by my exh. It took me ages to break away, I had no money but this house is mine (HA) that I'm thankful for every day though I realise that might not be the case for you.

I can't stress Womens Aid enough, they were a life saver for me. Sometimes it's hard to get through as they're so busy, but keep trying. My perspective changed significantly, I realised I was a victim and it wasn't my fault. That gave me confidence to split and I'm a better person for it. The relief of not listening to his bullshit and insults was immense!

Do you have any support from family and friends? Could you see a solicitor on the quiet and explore your options? I would also recommend a burner phone if he is tracking yours.

Good luck again

Can you emotionally detach from him or will that make him worse ? If I were you I'd be not feeling well and need to rest in the evenings any time he's around, he's not going to get better so doing hobbies with him or trying is only going to make your miserable, is there a support association for your illness if there is contact them if you can there is usually a welfare person can talk too you can leave him if you have the right support in place.

So sorry you're in this situation, op.

Who says you have to be the one to leave? Is the house rented, op?
Could you possibly divide the living space and both stay living there but separately from each other?
If you did leave you would be entitled to some benefits I'm sure. Have a look at the website, 'entitled to.'

You have plenty of years ahead that could be good years for you once you're out of the situation.

I doubt he'll change op, they never do. Not permanently.

Please don't resign yourself to living this half life. Contact Womens Aid, they have a website and you can email and chat live I believe if you have difficulty phoning them.
You deserve better and there are lots of us willing you on to better.

Start with baby steps. Check out your council's policy on housing for women fleeing abuse. Also see what's what with private renting.

You'll get lots of advice on here, op.

Wishing you strength, future happiness and peace.

If you're in your mid sixties you may well be entitled to your pension when you hit 66, and pension credit if you only get basic, and Pip if you are disabled. None of it is loads but if you are used to careful spending then it's totally doable. You don't need his income , you can do it on your own in peace. You'll probably feel better too without all the stress.

Thanks again to all who have posted with such supportive words. I appreciate it very much.

@weleasewoderick23 I'm sorry you had to go through this too I will think about contacting Women's Aid, thank you. I assumed they were there for victims of physical violence only but it seems as though I thought wrong. I haven't any family that I can speak to and I feel too embarrassed to tell any of my friends and also my husband is always lovely in company so they would think I were mad. I'm not even sure how to set up a phone because he deals with everything like that but I expect my son in law would do it for me if I asked. I would love to feel free again. I don't want to use a phone to do anything 'bad', just to feel sure that he can't be spying on me somehow.

@Mrsjayy

Can you emotionally detach from him or will that make him worse ? If I were you I'd be not feeling well and need to rest in the evenings any time he's around, he's not going to get better so doing hobbies with him or trying is only going to make your miserable, is there a support association for your illness if there is contact them if you can there is usually a welfare person can talk too you can leave him if you have the right support in place.

I feel absolutely nothing for him now. I have detached secretly, but I daren't let him know that or he would punish me. He's suggested various hobbies to share over the years and I've got out of them all but I finally gave in and it is as miserable as I thought it would be. I hope he loses interest soon.

There is a support org for my illness and I go on it from time to time but it can make me a bit anxious really when I read about how other people's illness has progressed so it's a bit of a double edged sword.

I am thinking of getting in touch with a counsellor if I can figure out a cover story for why I have to leave the house at certain times and why I don't want a lift from him. Still working on that one.

@KissedintheDark

So sorry you're in this situation, op.

Who says you have to be the one to leave? Is the house rented, op?
Could you possibly divide the living space and both stay living there but separately from each other?
If you did leave you would be entitled to some benefits I'm sure. Have a look at the website, 'entitled to.'

You have plenty of years ahead that could be good years for you once you're out of the situation.

I doubt he'll change op, they never do. Not permanently.

Please don't resign yourself to living this half life. Contact Womens Aid, they have a website and you can email and chat live I believe if you have difficulty phoning them.
You deserve better and there are lots of us willing you on to better.

Start with baby steps. Check out your council's policy on housing for women fleeing abuse. Also see what's what with private renting.

You'll get lots of advice on here, op.

Wishing you strength, future happiness and peace.

Thank you The house is owned, well mortgaged heavily, but there's no way I could afford to pay the mortgage on my wage unfortunately, let alone buy him out. We do have a bedroom each and there's a box room where he works but the kitchen and bathroom are shared. I dream about having a kitchen upstairs so that he could live completely self contained but that't not realistic, sadly.

Can you slowly start talking and responding less and less in the hope that he slowly detaches without him noticing? And some grey rock technique maybe?

@PerseverancePays

If you're in your mid sixties you may well be entitled to your pension when you hit 66, and pension credit if you only get basic, and Pip if you are disabled. None of it is loads but if you are used to careful spending then it's totally doable. You don't need his income , you can do it on your own in peace. You'll probably feel better too without all the stress.

Thank you :) Yes, I will get my state pension soon which will be really good. I already get a small disability pension from a former employer but it doesn't go far because I only worked a few hours per week towards the end before they got rid of me. I did try to get PiP but because my joint problems vary from day to day and I was honest about that, they said that I didn't qualify. I was stupid not to give details of my worst days and I realise that now. I felt dishonest to pretend that every day was as bad as the worst days though. I would love so much to be financially independent and I am very good at budgeting because I've had to be over the years.

If you are near pension age you might be entitled to sheltered housing its not just for elderly elderly so it would be supported living but you'd have your own flat oh and reapply for pip your support otg5sation can help you fill in forms and go to assessment for you, I know that sounds a lot and you are probably deflated but you deserve peace .

Organisation* sorry

@Mrsjayy

If you are near pension age you might be entitled to sheltered housing its not just for elderly elderly so it would be supported living but you'd have your own flat oh and reapply for pip your support otg5sation can help you fill in forms and go to assessment for you, I know that sounds a lot and you are probably deflated but you deserve peace .

Thank you To have a flat to call my own would be bliss. I’ve actually been looking at caravan parks for over 55s on Rightmove tonight. There are two local to me and one of them looks quite nice. I need to figure out how to get there without H noticing what I’m doing. We’ve only got one car between us since I stopped working and he always offers to drive me when I go out. It sounds very caring but I know it’s only so that he can monitor where I am going.

Pleased to see you've found something that seems stable on a caravan park, op. These kind of gentle first steps will lift your confidence.

Is there any chance your daughter could be a cover for you? I'm thinking of somethings like she wants to treat you to a spa day/afternoon or something when in reality you'll be looking at places to let or going to the council.

Great idea about sheltered housing from mrsjayy too.

Check out sheltered housing to let too as usually the rents are low enough for housing benefit to cover.

*suitable not stable.

Please don't do this.

I did for far too long.

I finally made the break and I'm now stepping into the light.

If you want to do something short term look into codependency and find a group in your local CoDa UK network. The only requirement of the group is to want to have happy healthy relationships.

Please choose enjoying life over mere existence.

All the financial side of things will get sorted.