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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Keeping him on his toes?

44 replies

Takingachillpill · 19/04/2022 10:55

Me and my boyfriend have started to bicker a little after being together less than a year. Get on well for the majority just a couple of silly things we are starting to argue about.
Sat down at the weekend to talk about it so we can fix it and get back on track.
Spoke about both putting in effort, making time for each other as well as respecting each others need for down time etc.
Don't live together and don't see much of each other with work schedules.

He mentioned in the chat that i don't keep him on his toes enough. He's been independent since 18 (now 30s) although had had relationships previously and has lived with exs they gave each other space. The exs use to have busy social lives/went solo travelling a lot etc so they were never on top of each other and he had enough space to himself.
I try to act like the caring girlfriend and in general am just a nice person all round i like to think. When he had covid made and delivered a care package, hapy to cook him tea after work on the days we can see each other. Always make the effort to dress up, make time in my schedule to see him (although granted my social life is none existent), plan ahead for little things like getting him a gift or easter egg etc. Good attentive host when he comes round, always on hand with paracetamol/tissues etc as I'm prepared. He says this is too nice and hes not use to it. Hes use to being treated mean, having more time on his own, being independent, treated like crap (hes had exs hit him and treat like shit basically) so hes not use to the niceness.

So to keep him interested and get that spark back we once had, how do i keep him on his toes? Any advice?

OP posts:
coffy11 · 19/04/2022 11:07

What does keeping him on his toes even mean? If you can't be yourself around him what's the point. He doesn't sound very nice, it sounds to me like you're too good for him.

frozendaisy · 19/04/2022 11:10

Don't change this is you either he accepts that or he doesn't

speakball · 19/04/2022 11:10

He sounds like he needs therapy if he thinks abuse is necessary. And you're not his therapist. Imagine how good a relationship could be with a proper grown up.

SimoneSimone · 19/04/2022 11:11

Don't go changing for him.

Seafog · 19/04/2022 11:15

It sounds like he is struggling with the reality of a relationship past the honeymoon phase.
He is projecting his issues onto you, and trying to make you responsible for his emotional/mental health.

Mermaidwaves · 19/04/2022 11:16

He's put all of this on you so you can bend and twist yourself in circles to please him, no! Don't do that! Plus if these 'treat him mean' Hmm women were so great why isn't he still with them?

Find a bloke who will appreciate your kindness and let this ass hat find himself an abuser if thats what he wants.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 19/04/2022 11:17

Adults in committed relationships don’t need ‘ to be kept in their toes’ . I associate keeping someone on their toes to those people who like to engage in relationship
Game playing. Ain’t nobody got time for that .

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 19/04/2022 11:18

Please don't change, you sound kind and caring. Find someone similar who appreciates it. As you say your social life isn't very full at the minute, that might be an area to attend to. But for your sake, not a partner's.

inmyslippers · 19/04/2022 11:19

Don't change this is you either he accepts that or he doesn't

^^agreed you sound like a lovely partner and he's lucky to have you. He needs therapy

Itwasntmeright · 19/04/2022 11:22

I suspect whatever you do it’ll be wrong. He sounds like a twat to be honest, and less than a year in you shouldn’t be having this problem. And, never stick with someone who compares you to their exes, that is incredibly shady behaviour indeed. I don’t think you two are compatible, sorry.

Glitterb · 19/04/2022 11:25

So he wants you to play games to keep his interest? His past relationships haven’t worked out so I’m not sure it will if you start ‘keeping him on his toes’! Out of interest what is he going to ‘improve’ on?

Besttobe8001 · 19/04/2022 11:25

I wouldn't be happy dating someone who didn't have a social life apart from me and was always available and on hand with tissues. It'd be a real turn off for me.

thenewduchessoflapland · 19/04/2022 11:27

You don't;bin him off;he sounds ungrateful and hard work;I also strongly suspect he's not one for commitment either.

SpiritBruisedNeverBroken · 19/04/2022 11:35

@Besttobe8001

I wouldn't be happy dating someone who didn't have a social life apart from me and was always available and on hand with tissues. It'd be a real turn off for me.
Totally agree with this. I had to end my last relationship for this very reason- I was the centre of his existence, all his focus was at n me and it was stifling. I would have much preferred for him to have some of his own friends and hobbies.
ValerieCupcake · 19/04/2022 11:37

Buy him some ballet shoes as a parting gift and then bin him to be full on Billy Elliott.

Takingachillpill · 19/04/2022 11:40

I admit i need to work on the social life and i think plays a big part. Never been one to have lots of friends and the friends i do have are now all busy with their own families.
Growning up my parents didn't do much social stuff they just had each other and so i think ive seen that and learnt from them which is not the norm.

But other than that i will take it on board and not change. Just couldn't get my head around being too nice. I'd love for him to be as nice and attentive as i am to him. Whats not to like about that!

OP posts:
marplemead · 19/04/2022 11:41

If you stay with him, you are signing up to a future of never being appreciated or having your needs met. Don't move in with him or have kids. He won't change. They never do.

Read Lundy's 'Why does he do that?' It's available online. You'll recognise his behaviour somewhere in there.

thestraitofillinois · 19/04/2022 11:41

Sounds like he's told you the first thing which has entered his head. In order to make excuses for himself.
Do not change for him as any change you make will be unsustainable.
There are plenty of people out there who would love to have a caring partner like you.

EdwinaSharma · 19/04/2022 11:43

Keeping me on my toes is what they say to each other on Love Island.

I think it means behaving like a bastard to the person you are supposed to put first.

Fuck that!

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 19/04/2022 11:47

He is into mind games. I would let him find someone else to play with to be honest.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 19/04/2022 11:47

If you stay with him, you are signing up to a future of never being appreciated or having your needs met. Don't move in with him or have kids. He won't change. They never do
^^ agree. He doesn't deserve you, (if he did he wouldn't be asking you to change or play childish mind games) find someone who does.

layladomino · 19/04/2022 11:51

If you have to change who you are, you're with the wrong person.

GCAcademic · 19/04/2022 11:56

I can understand that he might find the behaviour you describe as stifling and that you may be lacking in independence. But there is a quantum leap between wanting some space and normalising abusive behaviour in a relationship.

LosingMyPancakes · 19/04/2022 11:59

What is your plan going forward? Is moving in together on the cards? It doesn't sound like you see much of eachother as it is so not sure he can claim wanting you to have your own social life as a reason.

Tbh I would not be keen to continue a relationship that's showing so many issues, so early on.

grapewines · 19/04/2022 12:02

@Besttobe8001

I wouldn't be happy dating someone who didn't have a social life apart from me and was always available and on hand with tissues. It'd be a real turn off for me.
Yeah, I do agree with this.
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