Keeping him on his toes?

[Takingachillpill]

Me and my boyfriend have started to bicker a little after being together less than a year. Get on well for the majority just a couple of silly things we are starting to argue about.
Sat down at the weekend to talk about it so we can fix it and get back on track.
Spoke about both putting in effort, making time for each other as well as respecting each others need for down time etc.
Don't live together and don't see much of each other with work schedules.

He mentioned in the chat that i don't keep him on his toes enough. He's been independent since 18 (now 30s) although had had relationships previously and has lived with exs they gave each other space. The exs use to have busy social lives/went solo travelling a lot etc so they were never on top of each other and he had enough space to himself.
I try to act like the caring girlfriend and in general am just a nice person all round i like to think. When he had covid made and delivered a care package, hapy to cook him tea after work on the days we can see each other. Always make the effort to dress up, make time in my schedule to see him (although granted my social life is none existent), plan ahead for little things like getting him a gift or easter egg etc. Good attentive host when he comes round, always on hand with paracetamol/tissues etc as I'm prepared. He says this is too nice and hes not use to it. Hes use to being treated mean, having more time on his own, being independent, treated like crap (hes had exs hit him and treat like shit basically) so hes not use to the niceness.

So to keep him interested and get that spark back we once had, how do i keep him on his toes? Any advice?

@marplemead

If you stay with him, you are signing up to a future of never being appreciated or having your needs met. Don't move in with him or have kids. He won't change. They never do.

Read Lundy's 'Why does he do that?' It's available online. You'll recognise his behaviour somewhere in there.

He's been very honest.

This is who he is.

Walk away now or wait until he dumps you.

If he hangs on to you it will because no one else has come along that gives him a challenge.

He's not that into you and you will have nothing but confusion, misery and disappointment if you settle for this.

Believe him.
Move on.

Tell him you are who you are and you won't be changing and if this means an incompatibility issue then maybe it's best to end it.

This will show him a clear boundary and he won't be expecting it. Thats enough keeping him on his toes.

@StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon

He is into mind games. I would let him find someone else to play with to be honest.

Perfectly put.

What is the bickering you mention btw? I feel like at one point you say about prioritising time together, on the other hand you mention your lack of social life/his previous independence like it's an issue. So does he want to spend less time together or more? Do you both live in your own houses?

You sound too kind and honest for this guy. He doesn’t appreciate you. I think you’re in the wrong relationship .

He sounds awful OP. Stay who you are.

TBH .. you sound a bit “full on” for me.

I’m married, but we have separate social lives, hobbies, holidays, friends etc. I couldn’t cope in a relationship where I was the centre of the other persons world. Luckily, my husband is the same.

If you want someone you can spoil, and spend lots of time with etc .. then this is not the person for you. You both seem to have different requirements from a relationship.

It’s not a “right or wrong” situation, you want different things.

He is telling you who he is.

Hmm. There are a lot of threads where people who have been in abusive relationships sometimes struggle once they find a calm and nice, loving relationship. When you are used to the rollercoaster of toxic relationships it can take a bit of getting used to when it’s ‘nice’. After constant drama it can feel boring. So there is every chance he is feeling that.

However, this is his issue to deal with, not yours. I agree that it can be stifling if someone has no life of their own and doesn’t have their own friends, hobbies and interests.

But the whole keeping him on his toes thing suggests to me he is missing some of the drama of his previous relationships. Not sure i’d want to continue tbh until he addressed any unresolved issues.

@coffy11

What does keeping him on his toes even mean? If you can't be yourself around him what's the point. He doesn't sound very nice, it sounds to me like you're too good for him.

This

He’s told you who he is. Listen. He likes drama and competition - keeping him on his toes means making him think he might lose you at any moment. He’ll also expect you to be ok with him “keeping you on your toes”, as I’m sure it doesn’t only go one way. If he wants a girlfriend who might leave him at any moment, make his wish come true and dump his arse. Ironically this is probably the only way you’ll get to keep him interested, but it’s sounds like hard work. He’s not a keeper. Chuck him back.

FWIW I was just like you in my previous relationship - my parents were very close, they worked together and didn’t really socialise (too busy working!) except as a couple occasionally. My ex loved being the centre of my world. But it became clear that I’d never be his, even when all the DCs were grown up, his ideal life revolved around them and his siblings, not us as a couple. It was one of many reasons I had to end it with him even though it broke my heart, as I couldn’t spend the rest of my life making someone a priority when I knew full well I wasn’t his.

I've certainly known many people who struggled in "normal" relationships after coming out of toxic ones so what he says rings true. But it's not up to you to fix those issues for him and you certainly shouldn't be expected to replicate the toxic dynamic for him. He needs therapy before he's ready to date again.

Has he ever talked about his own childhood, and his relationship with parents & siblings? It strikes me that he might not know how to handle an adult loving relationship, especially not if previous relationships have involved a lot of drama.

So to keep him interested and get that spark back we once had, how do i keep him on his toes? Any advice?

Tell him to get fucked for trying to make you change and ‘perform’ a certain way.

A vague prescription there, keep me on my toes.

Okay, you're dumped. Enjoy the ballet.

He could mean he thinks you are a doormat and not independent enough...does that sound like someone you want to be with?

A good relationship is where you are with someone who matches your energy but this shouldn't be manufactured as it won't last a long relationship. He is asking you to change, why would you?

@Takingachillpill

I admit i need to work on the social life and i think plays a big part. Never been one to have lots of friends and the friends i do have are now all busy with their own families. Growning up my parents didn't do much social stuff they just had each other and so i think ive seen that and learnt from them which is not the norm.

But other than that i will take it on board and not change. Just couldn't get my head around being too nice. I'd love for him to be as nice and attentive as i am to him. Whats not to like about that!

What do you mean 'It's not the norm'? If you're happy as you are, then you don't have to aim for being 'normal'.

Some people's normal is to go out all the time, some people's normal is to stay in all the time, and some people's normal is somewhere in between. Don't let his judgment of you dictate to you what your normal is. Do what you like, and be around people who respect it.

If he feels you're not treating him the way he wants to be treated, then he needs to find someone who will, not try to change you.

If "keeping him on his toes" means not being available all the time, I'd sort of understood.... if he'd used appropriate language eg, "I feel like you're always around and ready to meet up and it puts pressure on me when I like to have plenty of time alone and with other friends/family". Then it would just be about whether or not you're compatible.

But the language he's using is odd and makes me very uncomfortable.