How would you respond if someone went NC with you?

ToastCrumbsInBed · 2022-04-19T09:42:54+00:00

So many times on here 'going NC' is recommended as the solution. But what would you do if you were on the receiving end? Most of my family are NC with me. I've not 'done' anything, but I don't follow their religion which for them is a dealbreaker. Minimal animosity - they are lovely people. WWYD? Keep trying? Move on and accept? Something else?

Babadook76 · 19/04/2022 10:44

I don’t think there’s much you can do about it really. You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you, and you shouldn’t have to really.

AHungryCaterpillar · 19/04/2022 10:45

Nothing. People often say their family has gone no contact with them for no reason but I bet there is a very good reason.

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 10:46

I’d just leave them to it and get on with your life. They don’t want you in theirs and you need to respect and accept that.

AHungryCaterpillar · 19/04/2022 10:46

Also just leave it and respect it, I am NC with my sister and I didn’t appreciate her trying to get to my children by sending them gifts for birthday and Xmas, luckily it has stopped now. They were not given to the children. Best to respect people’s decision.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 10:49

Just leave them to it.

If anyone close to me has such strong feelings of how I live my life they need to go NC with them then good for them. Better off without them tbh

Ca55andraMortmain · 19/04/2022 10:50

Nothing. Dh's sister has recently gone NC with us. For us it was quite out of the blue and we were sad, obviously, but what's the point in chasing a relationship with someone who doesn't want one? Hopefully by giving sil the space she's asked for, the situation won't be permanent.

Original poster

ToastCrumbsInBed · 19/04/2022 11:01

@Ca55andraMortmain

Nothing. Dh's sister has recently gone NC with us. For us it was quite out of the blue and we were sad, obviously, but what's the point in chasing a relationship with someone who doesn't want one? Hopefully by giving sil the space she's asked for, the situation won't be permanent.

How did you respond to her when you found out she'd gone NC? Was there a way that you showed you were giving her space?

I get that I need to respect the decision, and I do Equally though, a part of me wishes there was a way to show that I'm open to a relationship should they change their minds: I've not gone NC, they have.

I suppose I just hate the thought that by accepting their decision I'm feeding a false narrative that says I rejected my family rather than just the religion

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PersephonePomegranate · 19/04/2022 11:14

I think it depends on the circumstances. If I regretted the situation, I might write a candid letter setting things out calmly to see whether there might be a chance of reconciliation. If on reflection, I thought I could have handled things better, for example, I'd say that. In your case, OP, I'd say that you were rejecting religion, not your father.

It would be a one off attempt, if it were met with silence, I wouldn't try again but I'd be satisfied that I'd done what I could to clear the air and address any misunderstandings.

vdbfamily · 19/04/2022 11:21

I refused to accept it. DH parents refused to have contact when he said he was marrying me. They kept it up for about 10 years. We told our kids about them, we prayed for reconciliation. We contacted them every now and then and always dropped off a Christmas basket of goodies. One day my eldest daughter wrote to them to introduce herself when she was 10. We got an invitation to visit and continued to see them every few months after that. It was not normal grand parenting and my 2 youngest hated visiting as had not gotten up with them. No gifts or cards or phonecalls or support of any kind. However, my DH was at his mum's bedside as she died and that was important to him. She was a troubled lady and I could single handedly hog the stately homes thread with their behaviour although it was DHs life, not mine!
Are your family exclusive brethren by any chance?

CorsicaDreaming · 19/04/2022 11:28

I agree with PP - I'd write a letter

I had a major bust up with my MiL over something that was (unlike yours) really quite trivial. But it was both the "tip of the iceberg" and the "straw that broke the camel's back" after quite a few things, and very different world views.

I wrote a long, considered and carefully worded (but quite strong) letter. She wrote one back.

I think the actual act of writing (pen and paper, time and thought - not a dashed-off text or email) can in itself be therapeutic. And perhaps writing several versions - not even planning to send the first drafts - can be helpful to really think through your own views, and your understanding of the other person's point of view.

We now do visits and on the surface at least all good.

Not sure it's the same, as clearly religious beliefs are more profound than other things, but if there's a will, there's a way... and equally if there is no wish from one side to find common ground, nothing will work.

thestraitofillinois · 19/04/2022 11:32

Agree with PP who asks what the point is in chasing a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you.
Unless there is a strong reason (e.g. abuse) to go NC, I think it is disrespectful and rather unkind to go NC. Also, I would wonder if those people who go NC with relatives find themselves later in life needing the very people they have gone NC with.

CorsicaDreaming · 19/04/2022 11:36

This may be a non-starter, but could you meet your family halfway by attending religious services, etc if you are with them, but just quietly doing your own thing and not observing when you are not?

Some of my DH family are Jehovahs Witness and after initial bust ups with the PiL when they first joined, it has now just been met by quiet resignation by everyone else - and they just quietly get on with it...

Equally, my DH is strongly atheist but still agreed to marrying in my home Anglican Church...

Sometimes you can meet halfway to keep the peace and maintain relationships that are important to you, but quietly keep your own views and belief systems underneath.

VampireMoney · 19/04/2022 11:38

Nothing. Respect their decision and move on.

pointythings · 19/04/2022 11:41

If it's over religion that's difficult - extreme religion can make people behave in ways that are at the least emotionally abusive, especially towards someone who refuses to toe the party line. It's hard, because I would imagine you had very good reasons for leaving the faith. Are you JW or brethren?

I've had someone go NC with me - my foster son's mother. She did it because I challenged her over some really offensive things she said to and about me, including calling me a liar who had only pretended to befriend her so I could steal her child. She has major mental health problems, but doesn't actively seek help, which makes it harder. I've chosen to leave the door open for her to contact me, but I'm not pursuing a relationship with her or interfering with her relationship with her son. He's an adult and well able to manage that himself. In my situation I don't feel hurt, just concerned at times.

pompomseverywhere · 19/04/2022 11:43

Are the family Jehovah's witnesses?

LovelaceBiggWither · 19/04/2022 11:54

My sister has gone NC and I am just leaving her to it. She had a falling out with my parents and went NC with all of us even though that falling out had nothing to do with me. She's back talking to them but not me. I have no fucking idea what I am supposed to have done wrong and neither does my mother. My father is just quietly jealous I no longer have to go to family dinners to keep the peace.

So I am doing nothing and plan to continue doing nothing.

Thereisnolight · 19/04/2022 11:59

@thestraitofillinois

Agree with PP who asks what the point is in chasing a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you. Unless there is a strong reason (e.g. abuse) to go NC, I think it is disrespectful and rather unkind to go NC. Also, I would wonder if those people who go NC with relatives find themselves later in life needing the very people they have gone NC with.

Yes, I agree. (With the exception of severe abuse). Going NC is so dramatic and attention seeking and says far more about you than them. Just go low contact, have three or four prepared sentences, then leave early.

Justanotherteaandbiscuit · 19/04/2022 12:22

I think it depends on the reason for NC. If they're just throwing their toys out of the pram and expecting to come back and carry on where they left of then why would you want a relationship with them? If someone has gone NC they obviously don't care enough about you to try and reconcile any differences - as hard as it may be to accept that.

Chica10 · 19/04/2022 12:27

OP, how are they lovely people if they put religion over you, that they have gone non contact because you want to believe what you want to believe? That’s so wrong. Hope you can move on from this. You deserve so much better.

Original poster

ToastCrumbsInBed · 19/04/2022 12:55

@Chica10

OP, how are they lovely people if they put religion over you, that they have gone non contact because you want to believe what you want to believe? That’s so wrong. Hope you can move on from this. You deserve so much better.

I realise it makes little sense to persist in believing they are lovely people, yet aside from the religious stuff (which admittedly is by far the dominant element of their lives) they really are. I want to move on, yet I still miss them all the time, so it is incredibly hard to accept.

Maybe writing a letter to send/not send is the way to go. Just some way to say 'I want to respect your choice and don't want to piss you off by contacting you, but the door is always open'. I'll have to think about that.

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Original poster

ToastCrumbsInBed · 19/04/2022 12:56

It is a bit outing to say which religious group this is, but you're along the right lines, @vdbfamily and @pompomseverywhere

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SVRT19674 · 19/04/2022 13:06

Religion is the cause? I would do absolutely nothing. I remember as a teen some other teen´s parents had become JW along with the little siblings. The "priest" or whatever they call him said they had to go no contact with this teen and ignore him completely until he buckled and towed the line. I was around 17 then, and I remember thinking "how could someone do that to their own child. If these are the "christians" God save us from those who weren´t". I would let them be OP and move on with your life.

Summerhouse1998 · 19/04/2022 13:13

@SVRT19674

Religion is the cause? I would do absolutely nothing. I remember as a teen some other teen´s parents had become JW along with the little siblings. The "priest" or whatever they call him said they had to go no contact with this teen and ignore him completely until he buckled and towed the line. I was around 17 then, and I remember thinking "how could someone do that to their own child. If these are the "christians" God save us from those who weren´t". I would let them be OP and move on with your life.

With respect, you are quoting second hand information that you've heard through someone else. No parents would ever be 'told' to go no contact with their child if they had just joined, simply because that teenager wasn't interested. My own 2 children decided to leave the faith they were brought up in, it wasn't for them. I continue to show them love as their parent, and am always there for them to support them.

Original poster

ToastCrumbsInBed · 19/04/2022 13:40

@Summerhouse1998 I'm glad you are there for your children

I can assure you though that this absolutely does happen though, and in some religions 'priests' do have this kind of influence over parents. Awful but true.

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IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2022 13:41

Forget about them.