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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you respond if someone went NC with you?

46 replies

ToastCrumbsInBed · 19/04/2022 10:42

So many times on here 'going NC' is recommended as the solution. But what would you do if you were on the receiving end?

Most of my family are NC with me. I've not 'done' anything, but I don't follow their religion which for them is a dealbreaker. Minimal animosity - they are lovely people.

WWYD? Keep trying? Move on and accept? Something else?

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 19/04/2022 14:01

DS2 who is now 21 went NC with me in March 2020 - just after a fabulous weekend together on the cusp of lockdown. I'm still heartbroken. (He was at uni but stayed with his GF often.)

He's since gone NC with his GPs and his DB.

We don't know where he lives anymore.

I kept in touch, texting and sending money, birthday and Christmas presents before he moved away. I kept trying to phone but he never answered.

My mum, his GM, said to me that he's made his decision, he wants to be left alone so accept that decision and leave him be. Give him what he wants.

So we have. And, for me, I'm still struggling with no answer as to why.

CorsicaDreaming · 19/04/2022 16:59

@OldTinHat - I am so sorry, that must be incredibly hard for you

sammylady37 · 19/04/2022 17:32

I’ve gone NC with a sibling, after years of toxicity and abuse. She continued to send me birthday and Christmas cards for a few years, with just her name signed, no ‘To Sammylady’ or anything else written, and I knew it was just so she could play the martyr to anyone who would listen by saying “and I always send her cards for her birthday etc”. I just binned the cards, never displayed them and in latter years I didn’t even open them, they just went straight into the bin. She has thankfully stopped sending them now but does still try and get information about me from other family members.

A pp asked about what will happen those who go NC with people if later in life it turns out they need the people they’ve gone NC with. As far as I’m concerned, my sibling is not part of my life. I didn’t go NC lightly, I gave it a lot of thought and it took years of abuse before i’d finally had enough. I will never let her back into my life. I’ve gone so far as to state in my enduring power of attorney instructions that she is not to be allowed visit me if I’m unwell/incapacitated/dying. I do not want a deathbed reconciliation nor do I want her turning up to appease her conscience at my expense. I would wager that most people who go NC with family members do so after a lot of consideration and feel quite strongly about it.

FiveNineFive · 19/04/2022 17:35

My brothers went NC with me after I went NC with our incredibly abusive parents. If they want to side with abusers thats their look out, I'm better off without them

Geneticsbunny · 19/04/2022 17:42

My very good friend, who I considered to be like a sister and was very close to for ten years has just gone NC with me. I feel absolutely devastated but there is nothing I can do. We had an argument /misunderstanding but I apologised and took full responsibility for what happened.she has form for this and has gone NC with all of her previous close friends after a certain time. I am trying to put it in the past but it is and will probably always be a painful wound.

pompomseverywhere · 19/04/2022 18:47

@Summerhouse1998 I'm afraid you are wrong. Jehovah's witnesses are told directly to be no contact with family if they are disfellowshipped. It's a direct order to follow

Lucyccfc68 · 19/04/2022 18:50

I went NC with my parents and sisters around 3 years ago, as they took the side of my abuser. They have all tried to get in touch via phone, text, social media etc over the years, however I have no interest in having any kind of relationship with them.

Going NC with someone isn’t about ‘attention seeking’ or being dramatic. I just don’t want them in my life and the last 3 years have been very positive without them. They are definitely the ones who make it dramatic and make out they don’t understand why I went NC with them. They know why, but it’s still all ‘Oh woe is me’

Sometimes you just have to respect peoples wishes and leave them alone,

Azizai · 19/04/2022 19:37

If someone cut me off because of their religious beliefs I would leave them to it, sad as it may be.

Usually NC comes after years of putting up with shit from someone and it takes a lot of guts and heartache to go through with it.

Blackopal · 19/04/2022 19:51

My sibling is NC with me.
This is due to a difference of opinion over politics. No huge drama or arguments, just they are aware I don't believe what they believe.

I am perfectly fine having a relationship with people who think differently but they are not. However, on this issue I do find them offensive.

In alot of ways it is a relief, they are very demanding, dogmatic and domineering (ha! All the 's'). I didn't enjoy their company just accepted the way they were and now I don't have to.

I am someone who does not like to be at odds with others and I struggle with someone not liking me to this extent. However in reality I know this is about them and how they cope with things.

I wish them well and hold no anger, am working on letting the hurt go.

Blackopal · 19/04/2022 19:52

*All the 'd's

speakball · 19/04/2022 20:51

I would acknowledge the lack of contact and just affirm that I would be there to listen if they ever wanted to talk about it. I would just need to leave it as 'clean' as I could from my side. Once I'd acknowledged that, I would leave it be though.

RoseJam · 20/04/2022 20:24

Do you know the reason for their NC is your difference in opinion on religion?? Or do you just suspect that?

Religion is a tough one. My parents are deeply religious and as I have got older and refused to toe their religious beliefs line, we are very very low contact. It hurts and it sad - especially when I go to my friends' and Dh's family celebrations and meetups. It is a grieving process as I feel my parents have chosen their religious beliefs over a relationship with me. But ultimately I know it is for the best. It saves arguments, bad feelings, guilt, embarrassment, shame etc on both sides.

If you want to write a letter then do so, but it may hurt even more if they don't respond - at the very least you may be able to ensure no inadvertent misunderstandings.

ThatThingYouCantRemember · 21/04/2022 07:06

I never contact anyone who wishes for me not to. Nor do I contact anyone who is on the fence about me.

it’s not petty, it’s actually respectful.

it does smoke out the game players but at that point all is lost.

sleepymum50 · 21/04/2022 14:57

Something I saw recommended when men take forever having a poo/shower - turn off the internet. You’ll find that they often are just sitting there browsing on their phones.

obviously pretend it had nothing to do with you if they are likely to get stroppy.

sleepymum50 · 21/04/2022 14:58

Oops sorry wrong thread

Dacquoise · 21/04/2022 15:06

This doesn't sound like the NC that is recommended as a defence against abusive people whether that's family, friends or acquaintances that do not accept the victim's boundaries not to abused. It's a last defence.

This reminds me of a technique that dysfunctional families used called splitting ie one party is all 'good', the other party is all 'bad' and therefore must be cut off and expelled from the family. It's a basis for scapegoating, an insidious form of emotional abuse.

You are saying you haven't done anything wrong and it's related to religion but it's still very hurtful and dysfunctional to do that to family members. Were is the empathy and compassion in this behaviour? Would you do that to someone you love?

The only thing you can do is grieve your loss which will take time and perhaps reflect on the dynamic that has allowed this to happen. Would you ever be able to trust these people again if they were to change their minds and let you back in?

Livingtunes · 21/04/2022 15:57

I think you need to distinguish between someone applying nc to modify behaviour and punish - which is manipulative and emotionally abusive, which isn’t really in the spirit of non contact - in fact it’s the complete opposite - which I think is the case for the op
And using nc to protect oneself from manipulative and emotionally abusive people - in this case you go non contact because you have tried to fix the relationship but realise that is impossible and you just need to walk away.
If I was the OP I’d send a note to say you are sad that you are no longer in contact but you hope that one day they can respect your decision to leave the faith and resume your relationship with them. I don’t think it will make any dIfference to them but it might give you a little more peace that you have extended the olive branch.

Original poster

ToastCrumbsInBed · 27/04/2022 09:52

Just coming back to say thank you. So much wisdom and food for thought here.

I realise I have lots to work through in my own head as well, and that's a big part of dealing with this. So helpful to get other perspectives though.

to all who have gone through this.

OP posts:

ToffeeNotCoffee · 27/04/2022 11:02

I can relate. Narc sibling has got their spouse to write the greetings cards when required i.e. birthday, Christmas etc. For the last couple of years. I don't know what that's about. As my spouse remarks, their spouse has been enabling them for years.

So, we are low contact with each other. Pretty much by mutual agreement evidenced by behaviour. Talk ? God no.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 27/04/2022 12:23

Everything's cool on planet narc, as expected. That's right love, keep playing to the gallery.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 27/04/2022 12:40

No doubt their attitude is, 'my door is open.........'

The same attitude as in they're the one upset not me. They are upset with me, (again) I'm not upset with them (why do they 'take on' so ?). So as soon as they are ready to (come back in a neutral mood and not mention any upset) start worshipping my ego, well, as stated, my door is open......

I used to beg for their attention i.e. send a message to ask did you get the card I sent you ? Because no thanks or acknowledgment would be forthcoming without me prompting.

Then I would wish them well on Social Media regarding the same occasion.

Not any more. No more.

I get no thanks or acknowledgement from them for the occasion cards I send to them. They get their spouse to send cards as appropriate to me during the year.

Like I say, pretty much mutual agreement by our behaviour of low contact.

I would be sorry it's turned out this way albeit this is where it's been heading. Let's just say there was a grand finale and leave it at that.

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