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Original poster

What would you do? 7 years later and a baby and my boyfriend still has a certain level of commitment issues?

27 replies

humanpotato · 19/04/2022 10:05

So previously me and my boyfriend broke up after being together for 6/7 years this was because he was unsure for a long time if he wanted to be together and I'd had enough of him being unsure and I left. 6 months down the line we get back together and I move back in, months later I'm pregnant and now we have a 5 month old baby so now things aren't as simple as before. Getting married is something I would love to do, this is where I have a problem. If my bf didn't agree with marriage or see the point in it then I could understand and I'd just have to say fair enough and put it to bed BUT he actually does love the concept of marriage and has pondered on it. However this is the problem, all these years spent together I've made a house a home, given us a child, put my everything into this relationship yet he is still unsure if he can commit marriage to me? (His words he said he has commitment issues to marriage which makes him human) so this make me question our relationship in all honesty... what more could he possibly want? He wants to buy a house together so I asked him "how can you be unsure of getting married when surely buy a house with someone is a much larger finical and legally binding commitment?" His response was "well if we split up we've both gained because we'll both have a house and how is it a bigger commitment when marriage is something sacred between two people?"

Well that last sentence was enough for me, so another one of his reasonings is because it's a sacred commitment? And what I'm not worth that? That's what that says to me anyway?

He says "how can he want to commit to a wedding when we I question the relationship all the time?" Which I 100 percent believe he's gaslighting because the only time I question our relationship is around this subject because if he's still unsure about us the second time round even after a baby etc then surely it's just not meant to be is it?

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 19/04/2022 10:11

Stop giving him the power. Walk away. If he wanted to marry you he’d marry you. This is really simple - he is telling you to your face that he does not want to marry you. Believe him and stop letting him attempt to gaslight you when the truth is lying in plain sight.

Beanie567 · 19/04/2022 10:14

Oh honestly, he’s said it loud and clear. He doesn’t want to marry you.

Octomore · 19/04/2022 10:14

If he really wanted to marry you he would. But he doesn't.

You're worth more than this. Stop trying to prove to him that you're worthy of him, just leave him to his commitment issues.

A baby is a bigger commitment together than marriage btw. Was having a baby an active choice the two of you made, or did it just 'happen'? Did you think a baby would make him commit?

Original poster
humanpotato · 19/04/2022 10:18

@Octomore

If he really wanted to marry you he would. But he doesn't.

You're worth more than this. Stop trying to prove to him that you're worthy of him, just leave him to his commitment issues.

A baby is a bigger commitment together than marriage btw. Was having a baby an active choice the two of you made, or did it just 'happen'? Did you think a baby would make him commit?

This is another one of my points I totally agree that a baby is a bigger commitment and the pregnancy was wanted by both and the actively tried.

I can't understand why he'd agree and want a baby when he is so uncertain of our further together Sad

OP posts:
LemonTT · 19/04/2022 10:31

Living together in a house you own with a baby is a relatively difficult situation to walk away from. But it a much easier one than married, owning a house and having a baby.

If you jointly own a home, the legal situation is that when you split the share is 50:50. There are no divorce laws that can override that and give you a bigger share. Therefore if you have an ounce of self preservation you will try to stay financial independent from him

He does not want you dependent on him. And he doesn’t want the hassle of divorce. He is keeping a door open.

Mummytobe93 · 19/04/2022 10:32

He probably wanted a baby for the same reason as you @humanpotato , hoping that it will make him want it to commit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 10:36

Having a baby is absolutely not a bigger commitment than getting married. It’s a commitment to the baby but one an awful lot of men choose to opt out on as you’ll see here several times a day. Married is a commitment to each other, one he’s saying he’s unwilling to make.

Without resolving the conflict you have about marriage it wasn’t wise to plan a baby because as you see it’s now more complicated to leave. You don’t want to beg and grovel for marriage, that’s got to feel horrible. So either accept he’s not going to give you what you want or walk away.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 10:37

He’s telling you he doesn’t want to marry you. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. If you stay then remember you are legally single don’t act to your detriment eg don’t go part time affecting your wage or pension. CAB has a good guide difference marriage v cohabitation - good starting point of things to think about eg wills, life insurance etc.

NewandNotImproved · 19/04/2022 18:18

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences
Differences between just being boyfriend and girlfriend, and spouses.

Having a kid is absolutely not a commitment at all. It’s a commitment to the person you made, only. Not the boyfriend.

NewandNotImproved · 19/04/2022 18:23

Also, I’d reckon a huge amount of men say they want a kid, or go along with not bothering with contraception simply because it won’t impact their lives, so it doesn’t matter either way.
After all, it won’t be their life and body risked, their career on the back burner, their pension contributions reduced, probably won’t be them doing all the tedious grunt work, and planning. They can simply play with a kid for a few minutes and be deemed an ‘amazing dad’ by society. The bar is so low.

Suprima · 19/04/2022 18:24

He doesn’t want to marry you.

You need to make your peace with this, or leave.

Do not go part time or make life altering decisions for a man who doesn’t want you to be his legal partner.

Suprima · 19/04/2022 18:25

Men can completely opt out parenting if they want- so they’ll happily have children with women who aren’t ‘the one’

You’re also playing wifey and paying half the mortgage without a ring on your finger, so he benefits all round.

EarthSight · 19/04/2022 18:28

marriage is something sacred between two people

Sorry OP, but I think he's been plodding along for years. he might love you, but I would bet he's not in love with you. I wonder if he secretly hoped someone else would appear on the scene, but as no one has (apparently) he has stayed with you where it was comfortable and safe.

Some people stay in relationships for practical reasons. It enables some of them to get on the housing ladder. Some of them end up having children with their partner because they'd quite like offspring too, and they can see that their partner would make a good parents and is quite good company to have around as well. Some of the men quite like having a housekeeper and someone to organise their social lives for them. However, they keep putting off marriage because that's something they had saved up for someone special....I think he's made it extremely clear that someone special isn't you. Some men just fear financial entanglement having read horror stories about divorces, but in your partner's case, it just sounds like he quite apathetic about your relationships and he's still, all these years later, just not that into you :/

DoItAfraid · 19/04/2022 18:31

@Suprima

Men can completely opt out parenting if they want- so they’ll happily have children with women who aren’t ‘the one’

You’re also playing wifey and paying half the mortgage without a ring on your finger, so he benefits all round.

Absolutely this!!!

Spot on. He is getting all the benefits - sex, someone to do the domestic work, a cute baby to play with / show off every now and then.

Please stop trying to figure out the when and why and just accept that this man does not want to marry you.

When a man wants to marry you, you will know about it. Please - value yourself and walk away OR accept that the current situation is all he is offering.

💐

GreyCarpet · 19/04/2022 18:44

I can't understand why he'd agree and want a baby when he is so uncertain of our further together

Men walk away from their children all the time. Even children they wanted. They like the idea of having kids; being a dad but that's as far as it goes.

Babies are less of a commitment than marriage to them because leaving your child requires you to walk put of a house never to return. A divorce is a time consuming and costly dissolution of a legal contract.

SiobhanSharpe · 19/04/2022 18:53

He says he has commitment issues about marriage which makes him human (wtf?) ...and marriage is 'sacred between two people.'
The bottom line is he doesn't want to marry you and is spouting any old bollocks as an excuse.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 19:00

I'm sorry OP but this man does not want to marry you. He is stringing you along.

Have you heard of the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"?

You've already given him too much in your relationship too fast, these "marriage benefits" before you're actually married, including sex, cooking, cleaning, and in your case a child, have made him feel he doesn't need to commit to you as you already in a weaker position.

What do you want to do now? Leave? Or stay and convince yourself to be happy without marriage.

MarshmallowSwede · 19/04/2022 19:01

Leave and find someone who wants to marry you.

Easier said than done I know, but he’s wasted enough of your time.

nitsandwormsdodger · 19/04/2022 19:14

Why in earth did you plan a baby when you wanted marriage ???
He is not into you

Catlover1970 · 20/04/2022 17:41

EarthSight · 19/04/2022 18:28

marriage is something sacred between two people

Sorry OP, but I think he's been plodding along for years. he might love you, but I would bet he's not in love with you. I wonder if he secretly hoped someone else would appear on the scene, but as no one has (apparently) he has stayed with you where it was comfortable and safe.

Some people stay in relationships for practical reasons. It enables some of them to get on the housing ladder. Some of them end up having children with their partner because they'd quite like offspring too, and they can see that their partner would make a good parents and is quite good company to have around as well. Some of the men quite like having a housekeeper and someone to organise their social lives for them. However, they keep putting off marriage because that's something they had saved up for someone special....I think he's made it extremely clear that someone special isn't you. Some men just fear financial entanglement having read horror stories about divorces, but in your partner's case, it just sounds like he quite apathetic about your relationships and he's still, all these years later, just not that into you :/

Very harsh but very true

Wnkingawalrus · 20/04/2022 17:47

I’m going to be harsh OP.

He’s not that into you. Nothing you have said suggests you are the love of his life. My guess is he’d prefer you to stay than leave but that because no doubt you do everything round the house and that gives him an easy life.

dipdye · 20/04/2022 17:50

There's no incentive for him to marry. He just doesn't want to.

dipdye · 20/04/2022 17:53

He wants to buy a house together

^

So you own the home in which he lives?

Easy solution op, just get rid of him.
He's a freeloader

OliRules · 23/04/2022 22:16

@humanpotato he was hoping he would grow up when he became a father or he just wanted a child because it's so nice to have one. Either way, please move away. When you do, please let us all know on the thread as although we don't know you, knowing that sm1 has managed to get over a dilemma is so reassuring.

ChampagneJustBecause · 24/04/2022 00:19

He’s not that into you, and as soon as a ‘better option’ arises, that will be him gone.

Get out of the relationship before you’re another 3 years older with another child to support.

Work hard at your career, stop playing wifey when you’re not a wife.