The pain associated with OW - does it get easier?

[X6hfyib4ms]

About a year ago my husband left me for another woman. We have young children. He is still with this person and the children know her but do not know what happened, they are too young to understand at this stage.

We are now in the process of getting divorced.

The pain of this situation still takes my breath away at times and being in close proximity to them is making me unhappy.

If you have experience of this, please let me know it gets any easier, or will I have to move away to escape the situation (as much as that is possible) and find some sort of happiness eventually?

Genders reversed here (I’m male and ex was female with OM) and it does become less painful. I’m approaching 4 years out and, slowly, became inured to it, to the point my kids can happily chat about the OM who became their step dad to me and I really don’t care. It’s like the wound gets cauterised.

Don’t get me wrong, whilst I’m amicable with my ex now, I still resent her decisions and behaviour immensely - she was deceitful and never showed remorse and damaged the lives of many people close to her, not just me. She gets to “live her best life” through dishonest and selfish actions that denied the same right to others. But at some point the pain and fury simmered down to an eye roll and a shrug. I’m more annoyed I invested so many years with her now more than anything else.

I'm sorry you have experience of this @TossaCointoyerWitcha it is not a great 'club' to be in.

Do your children know what their mum / stepdad did and if so how do they feel?

I don't feel it is possible at the moment to be amicable with him. I know this is a cliche on Mumsnet to say this, but he is a narcissist and doesn't care about anyone but himself, certainly not the children or me. I just wonder whether we (or I at least) will have peace with him as such a regular part of our lives.

Yes, it gets easier. We had two small kids too. 10 years on I'm remarried and on very good terms with my ex and his partner (she was OW) Living a good life (and therapy) are very healing.

My children don't know the full story. Maybe in years to come but right now, no. They are happy and healthy.

@X6hfyib4ms no, my kids don’t know the full story - just “mummy and daddy stopped getting along so it was best for us to split up”. I suspect the eldest has worked out more than he lets on though - he was 5 when the affair happened and as they used to have heart-to-hearts in the play area after school, once all the other parents had gone home, so wouldn’t be surprised if was aware of what was happening or has put two and two together afterwards. If they ever ask, at an age when they’ll understand better (I’m thinking 12+) I might try to explain. But in terms that appear neutral as opposed to hateful. The bare facts should speak for themselves and I’d rather they drew their own conclusions from them. But at the end the day, she’s their mum and I’ve resigned myself that they’re always going to want to see the best in her.

Yes it gets easier - I started to recover 2-3 years in
DC were just turned 4 and 5.5
OW left him for OM 10 years later
He’s since remarried DW number 3 which makes my life easier as she had no part in it
Got easier as DC grew up and voted with their feet - now adults and they see him 4-6 times a year if that
We are very close

It absolutely gets better I promise. I'm 2 years on and now divorced and echoing what the previous poster said, I'm more in the eye roll and a shrug territory now instead of that white hot fury that rocks you to your core.

It's an awful club to be in though and the timeline for feeling better isn't linear which is hard. You can be feeling good for a while then something will trigger a real low. Took me a while to realise it wasn't simply a case of each week it would get easier and easier.

He and the OW are on and off all the time and he has said countless times he regrets what he did. Whether he genuinely does I'll never know and wonderfully I don't really care but I've found some new interests, got a new job, redecorated the house and had some fun dating so life is pretty good. (I also look a hell of a lot better now than I did when I was with him which I know is extremely shallow but it does feel good ).

As for my dc the youngest has no idea but the older 2 know what he did and who the OW was and have never had any desire to meet her which has helped to be honest. Whether that changes in the future I don't know but I still can't imagine getting to the point where I could see them and talk to them as a couple. Maybe in 2 more years!

💐 to you op it's a really bloody hard road and not one is wish on anyone.

Mine knew right from the start as he moved straight in with her. They're still together some years on. I massively resent the inbalance in our parenting (ie I do it all) but don't think about them as a couple at all. Absolutely indifferent. Lots of people said for ages that I'd feel so great when they split up, that karma would get them etc. It's all bollocks. As a pp said, I have found great satisfaction in making a life and home for myself and the kids and whilst I do have a partner we will not live together and there will be no blending or step anything. I take pride in knowing that I work, pay for and do it all. She ("and largely him too) are irrelevant.

I massively resent the inbalance in our parenting (ie I do it all)

@ChiselandBits I think this is where I still struggle occasionally - whilst I feel justified in feeling hurt over the way my ex lied and gaslighted not just me, but other friends and family, there's still a sense of "well, my needs weren't being met and I have to live my truth", etc.

Which I would be fully on board with, if it wasn't for the fact that all the couples counselling and personal counselling we both had essentially revealed her "needs" to be "leave it to someone else (i.e. me) to sort out the bulk of the grown up stuff, housework, finances, etc (even though I was working full-time and she was, at her own insistance, a stay-at-home mum)".

AIBU to think that the "meeting my needs" argument slightly fails when it requires an imbalance in the relationship?

@TossaCointoyerWitcha.. Love the name by the way, basically all that means is 'I'm putting my happiness first' which is OK I guess if there are no children. Sucks for the other person but can't be helped. But if you have embarked on this joint, 20 year project of kids together, unless you are actually actively miserable, being abused in any way or can't rub along amicably enough to put on a decent family life, then I think it's hugely selfish to just decide to piss off and leave it all to someone else because 'soulmate' or whatever.

Thank you all for your comments, I am sorry you have all experienced this but it is useful to hear how things are a few years along.

@HelpINeeedSomebody I agree it is not linear, tbh I thought I was doing pretty well but this thread has been triggered by something he has just done which I feel was massively insensitive.

@ChiselandBits and @TossaCointoyerWitcha agree about the 'I'm putting my happiness first' stuff you were saying. He has basically rewritten history to suggest things were absolutely awful together (and whilst was having the affair made sure he treated me awfully and picked fight after fight even though I was pregnant / had a newborn). When actually, before he met her we were just rubbing along fine, like most families with young kids. He certainly wasn't deeply unhappy.

It's interesting that most of you haven't told kids who the OW is. I feel deeply uncomfortable the children building a relationship with her without knowing what she has done to them. If they still want a relationship witb her after they know fine. But to get to know her without knowing is very hard.

They are children. They don’t have the emotional or rational intelligence to process an adult situation like this. They shouldn’t have to bear emotional burdens or guilt about having a relationship with their father. They will love him, even if you tell them the gory truth. They will love him even if they are separated from him. But they won’t be able to deal with emotions this unleashes.

If you as an adult struggle with what has happened, think what it would do to a child who brain hasn’t developed yet.

OP the worst thing you can do to your children is to put them in a loyalty bind where they feel unable to build a relationship with their dad's partner. I understand that you are hurt by this but please don't pass this on to your children.

@LemonTT and @KylieKoKo this thread is about asking other people who have had experience of having being left by their spouse for another woman, and does it get easier. I assume this is not experience you've had as you've not mentioned it, so it's probably not a situation you can relate to, with respect.

I already said that my children don't know what their father did or who the OW is, they have a relationship with both. The question is not about whether I tell them, I don't intend to, certainly not right now as they're too young.

I was very matter of fact with mine. I didn't present it as her having 'done anything' to them. Just that daddy loved her and ou can't be married to two people. I never ever said anything negative and they were young enough that they just sort of got on with it. As far as I can tell their blended family works, though both dcs repeatedly tell me they'd rather we were still together. I don't think she is evil or will have a terrible moral influence on them but I do totally understand OP, in the early days I absolutely felt as you do.

Thanks ChiselandBits that is interesting that they've just accepted that. I can't tell my kids anything right now firstly because they're a baby and toddler, secondly because he hasn't said who she is to them and the legal advice I've had is to leave that to him. Those conversations for me will be later and I hope I can be as neutral as you by then.

For me it's more whether the family home is worth fighting for or whether I take the payout and move elsewhere (not a relocation but just so we're not in the same town).

I agree with @ChiselandBits’s approach. As I said, my eldest was sort of exposed to the reality anyway and so likely has some sense of what happened. In fact, there was a moment after his now-stepdad moved in where, apropos of nothing, he said “Dad, the funny thing is… I quite like [x]” as if he knew it was a sensitive issue, was confused and/or looking for me to assure him it was okay. Of course, inside I felt absolutely awful but I accepted I’d much rather he be happy and have a good relationship with the man who was now sharing his “other home” than have him living miserably with someone he hated. That’s helped me cope and get through - putting the boys needs (and not my ex’s!) needs first in these matters, because at the end of the day I’m still their dad, what I have and give can’t be replaced by him and they still love me.

My children knew who the ow was as my exdh told them why he was leaving. I won't lie, I felt satisfaction that my children hated her and made it clear to her. I think that's what made them split 18 months later as they just wouldn't warm to her.
I understand the taking your breath away feeling, I found it worse on the morning when I woke up and it hit me all over again what he had done. That horrible feeling does ease off, but for me, even 3 years on I'm still gutted by it all tbh and think about it all most days. It is slowly getting easier though, just be kind to yourself and focus on and take it a day at a time.

PS: @ChiselandBits thanks for the username compliment - guessing you’re a fellow Witcher fan? 😁

It does fade. It took me a while, but mine was 17 years ago and I'd struggle to remember what they looked like! 😂 i objectively think their behaviour was shitty but I don't feel anything when I think of it.

[quote X6hfyib4ms]**@LemonTT* and @KylieKoKo* this thread is about asking other people who have had experience of having being left by their spouse for another woman, and does it get easier. I assume this is not experience you've had as you've not mentioned it, so it's probably not a situation you can relate to, with respect.

I already said that my children don't know what their father did or who the OW is, they have a relationship with both. The question is not about whether I tell them, I don't intend to, certainly not right now as they're too young.[/quote]
@X6hfyib4ms

I can relate from the perspective of the child who's mother told them about their father's bad behaviour during their messy divorce. It was very damaging to me and still affects my relationship with her to this day.

@X6hfyib4ms do you have real life support from friends and family? People you can vent to and will hold your hand?

My wife had an affair with a guy from a different country. She left me and the kids (5&7). We were all devastated. She completely ripped me off financially, but keeping the kids in the country and at their schools was my priority so I agreed to a very poor settlement so she could set up a life with her new guy. I have since met someone new, re-married and gained 2 step-kids. I am very happy and my kids are now in their 20's and seem happy and settled. Although I'm now 'living my best life', I still don't forgive her for the unnecessary pain she caused so many people - especially our children. However, it's pretty rare that I think of her at all.

[quote X6hfyib4ms]**@LemonTT* and @KylieKoKo* this thread is about asking other people who have had experience of having being left by their spouse for another woman, and does it get easier. I assume this is not experience you've had as you've not mentioned it, so it's probably not a situation you can relate to, with respect.

I already said that my children don't know what their father did or who the OW is, they have a relationship with both. The question is not about whether I tell them, I don't intend to, certainly not right now as they're too young.[/quote]
Sorry you assumed wrong. I know what it feels like. But I am adult. I accept and have to deal with the fallout from my relationship choices. My children don’t.

@tossacointoyerWitcha yes I am. V excited about season 3 filming. Gave up on the books though.. Translated from Polish so not great writing.