The pain associated with OW - does it get easier?

[X6hfyib4ms]

About a year ago my husband left me for another woman. We have young children. He is still with this person and the children know her but do not know what happened, they are too young to understand at this stage.

We are now in the process of getting divorced.

The pain of this situation still takes my breath away at times and being in close proximity to them is making me unhappy.

If you have experience of this, please let me know it gets any easier, or will I have to move away to escape the situation (as much as that is possible) and find some sort of happiness eventually?

Sorry you’re going through this. The pain comes and goes. Mine is currently full on - he married the other woman this week. My children in their teens knew about her - one of their friends saw them together in the park… they didn’t go to the wedding and don’t really want to see their dad. Good luck - I’ve got over the anger but I’m sometimes overwhelmingly sad. I miss my old life.

[quote X6hfyib4ms]**@LemonTT* and @KylieKoKo* this thread is about asking other people who have had experience of having being left by their spouse for another woman, and does it get easier. I assume this is not experience you've had as you've not mentioned it, so it's probably not a situation you can relate to, with respect.

I already said that my children don't know what their father did or who the OW is, they have a relationship with both. The question is not about whether I tell them, I don't intend to, certainly not right now as they're too young.[/quote]
Those posters were referring to the child's perspective, which you have also not experienced.

Its perfectly valid for posters to comment on this, when you brought that subject up.

@X6hfyib4ms

When you speak about what the OW did to your children be careful that you are not projecting.

Are you sure that you want them to know the truth so they can make up their mind or so they will hate her?

As someone is a long way down the road in this you may not be thanked for your honesty. It could back fire. So could omission of the full truth but I suppose I'm just saying be careful of your motives. I may have missed it but are you in therapy? Very hard to get through this without it. It helps to have a healthy perspective on life going forward and the grief around the relationship and the person you were in the relationship.

It really is your choice where your life goes from here.

@Allthecheeseplease I'm not sure of your own experience - whether you're in the "club" like many of us here, a child of a cheating parent, concerned bystander of even someone who cheated themselves - however, personally, I would be question the motives of not telling the kids anything as much as would doing so.

I have no doubt my ex would rather I left things vague and say it was none of their business. However, I am almost certain her motives would be driven as much by her avoiding being judged by them as it was for their own good.

My kids, when they are old enough, have the right to know the truth if they so ask. If they don't, I won't force it on them. But if they do, who am I to say to someone who is now old enough to make up their own minds "sorry, but its none of your business, run along now and play"? How patronising is that? Or worse, lie.

No, if someone takes certain actions that's their right - but they also have to live with the consequences. They don't have the right to be protected from them. I'm fairly sure my kids won't disown their mum and, as I said, I will only give my side of the story, making clear it is only my side and they have the right to request similar from their mum. I will impress upon them that they should make their own mind up and I will respect whatever they decide. But I won't gaslight them in some misguided aim that I'm "protecting them". They deserve better than that.

@TossaCointoyerWitcha

I am very much "in the club" as you put it. As I mentioned in my earlier post I am 10 year post "being left for the OW". At the time my children were 2 and 4. My ex is still with her and we all get on very well. She is good to my children and I am remarried. I also mentioned that I do not know what I will do in the future about telling them.

So far I have not had to lie and I'm not sure that I will either. What I do know if that projection is very real and a lot of children get damaged because they are used as pawns in break ups or people try to turn their children against the person who left. Sometimes this is unintentional and can do untold damage to the children in terms of mental health, emotional health, attachment issues etc.

To be clear, I am not saying that telling children the truth is damaging. what I am saying is that the reason, and the manner can be damaging.

As parents it is part of our responsibilty to know if our children are emotionally mature enough for something. This may seem like condescention from your point of view but I certainly didn't think my 2 and 4 year olds were ready. If they asked me now it might be a different story but they don't. They have two step parents that they get on with very very well and SEEM extremely content and well adjuested. (we can never be totally sure!)

My motives were to help my children stay emotionally and mentally stable through a difficult time. My pain was not their responsibility and it certainly wasn't going to do them any good at such a young age. I have no intention of gaslighting my children and as I said if they ask (which they haven't) then that's a conversation I'll have to prepare for.

All of this doesn't take away from the fact that, as I said above, either lying about the full truth OR telling the full truth could back fire. It has for lots of people in both cases. We all have to take repsonsibility for our own actions and we all parent our children in our own ways.

@X6hfyib4ms thank you for this post. I am three months into this scenario and absolutely with you as to wondering if the rage and devastation ever gets easier

Thanks all, this is useful!

Neverhot and menaleus thanks for your honestly, I'm sure it will fade but I'm not sure I'll ever truly heal from it. I think for me the timing (starting the affair whilst pregnant and leaving when my baby was newborn) as well as how he has behaved towards me (awful, aggressive, spiteful) make it particularly hard. I hate my phone going off with messages or emails in case they're from him or his equally horrible lawyer.

kyliekoko I appreciate your view from the child's perspective. I can only do my best to not say anything negative as such but if/when the kids ask me I will tell them factually what he did and they can make their own mind up. If they ask whether he behaved dreadfully I'm not going to say he didn't.

I have had counselling but i can't afford anymore at the moment. The counsellor said to not keep the situation secret as they will find out at some point anyway (several family and friends know) and then will not trust either of us as they'll feel they have always been lied to about their family history.

tossacoin I agree that to not tell them can be as damaging, that is what my counsellor said, as they will find out anyway then effectively have to rewrite their memories of their childhood in light of new information.

But what is right for one family isn't for another. Where everyone is very amicable and get along then maybe there is no reason to dredge it up.

creamfirst I'm so sorry to hear that, I'm sorry it's so recent for you. I'm afraid I can't tell you that it gets easier at the moment, but hopefully the other posters give you some hope for a better future. Wishing you peace

@X6hfyib4ms so op I was in this situation.

Me and my EXDH had lost a baby. He cheated while I was pregnant with DD (who is technically my second born) with the women who is now my DD step mum.

When it was fresh I held a lot of anger towards her, but in hindsight I realised being angry with her, was actually just my anger at him for breaking our marriage vows and he was the one I should direct it to, it was eating me alive turning me into someone i didn't know. I gave my permission to be angry at him and then I don't know it slowly faded.

When my feelings went for my ex, I was able to see his new partner without all the extra emotion and came to realise I rather liked her (and she was kindly to my DD and she is and remains to good to be with my ex) and my ex is just a man and not the man for me. I know it also winds my ex up that we are friendly which helps give me massive satisfaction, because he wanted two women waring over him "the prize" lmao 🤣

It's going to sound counter intuitive but your not aiming for hatred, your aiming for indifference (opposite of love). While you have feelings be positive or negative your pain will remain. Shifting from giving all the fcks to none at all is hard but my god. Is it freeing.

Time helps, therapy helped, screaming into a pillow helped, running until my feet bleed helped (anger gives you so much extra energy who knew). It still does when I feel the waves of loss come over me (for my son and the family that we nearly had). You need Grieve for that family unit, scream, get angry (in a safe place with friends not near ex or OW), bargain (talking with friends over semantics) and then slowly you will reach a place of less fcks given.

Obviously my situation is a tad different but I remember the pain. That said I know which loss lingers out of the two and haunts me, and promise you it won't be your ex if you do it right.

You never get over it - the moment you realised, the moment they left but time is a healer.

You forge a relationship with the EX and in my case ignore the OW new DP.

@candlesandpitchforks thanks for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your capacity for forgiveness after how your ex (and his partner) behaved is admirable, after what you went through.

It is mainly him I feel strongly towards, not her really. I guess it is not anger though it's deep hurt and betrayal. I hope it fades like it has for you.

@X6hfyib4ms I will level with you and say I'm no expert and do not profess to be but the end of a marriage is in my perspective not so different from a death. It's a death of a family, a union and hurts a lot (with the added injury of people being alive)

Grief has many faces, sadness obviously but also anger, jealousy, rage ect. I think how you feel is grief just showing some of her many faces and it's so so normal.
However grief does lift eventually.

However some people get stuck in purgatory. What I have done isn't that usual but it hurt, took a dammed good therapist who kept me honest. You can do it