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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like my brother and sister in law are competing with me?

53 replies

Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 19:51

My fiancée has felt like this for quite a while and I’ve always brushed it off and I don’t want to believe it, but I am starting to get suspicious that it is true that my brother and sister in law are trying to compete with us.

I think individually I could explain a lot of this behaviour, but overall it is painting a picture that makes me suspicious.

First of all they are very “braggy” about material things, like things they’ve purchased, fancy restaurants they’ve been to, holidays, how much money her parents make, how her parents gift them thousands of pounds, buy lavish things like a ring that looks exactly like my engagement ring “only the diamond is much bigger”, have large extensions built on their houses, pay for them all to go to Dubai and New York together etc. It’s got to the point where I know exactly how much they all earn and how much they get in bonuses every year and I have never ever enquired about any of this.

Then when we came to see their new house last year they out of the blue spent twenty minutes ranting to us about how they’re annoyed because they are sick of my mum always talking about us and what we’re doing and they feel like “we’re her favourites”, this was news to me and not something I’d ever noticed before.

We are going to a very popular spa before our wedding as a treat (we don’t do thing like that very often at all), SIL announces at a meal that she went last week and it was rubbish and no where near as good as the spa they went to before their wedding. We have booked to stay in a water villa in the Maldives for our honeymoon, which is a once in a lifetime trip for us, two weeks later they announce out of the blue that they will be going to the Maldives in a water villa as well with her parents (who are paying) a few weeks before us and it’s heavily hinted that their resort will be much nicer than ours.

I have more examples, but I don’t want to go on.

I have tried to explain how I feel to my parents and they think I’m being paranoid and that she “means well” and “they’re just excited to share thing they’re doing”, but I’m noticing a pattern and it’s starting to grate on me. My fiancée is getting increasingly annoyed at all the bragging and one up man ship and wants to say something next time they do it.

I just feel really conflicted because I don’t want to believe they’re doing all of this to get “one up on us” because it’s my family, but it’s becoming harder and harder to ignore, would appreciate some opinions and how best to tackle this without looking like we’re just “jealous” or “bitter” which are absolutely not, I’m very happy for them it’s just the constant bragging and having to always do something better that’s grating on me.

OP posts:
MonthofMondays · 18/04/2022 19:58

I'm easygoing and pleased for other people to have nice things but even I would be annoyed by the Maldives holiday! And the suggestion that the spa you have chosen isn't good.

layladomino · 18/04/2022 19:59

I think I'd just keep my distance a bit, and if you see them and they start bragging, just look unimpressed and change the subject. Don't get in to a competition with them. Don't share your plans with them if they make everything a competition. They can't compete if they don't know what with.

I feel a bit sorry for people who are like this. It's really childish bragging, it shows they measure everything by what it cost (and will therefore miss out on some of the real joys of life) and it often shows a real insecurity and need to prove themselves.

Criticising the spa you're going to as a treat is so obvious and really poor - her family may be financially well off but she clearly has no class.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:01

Why did you mention it to your mum?! Unnecessary.

Wouldn’t discuss this with her and would also stay well out of your brother’s grievance with her

It sounds tedious. Yes, would have a word with your brother and / or SIL next time it happens.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 20:01

Well, was he this way as a child? Did he always have to have what you had? Or better?

Was he generally spoilt?
Was he empathetic and kind or a bit of a jerk?

People who feel the need to one up, generally have narcissistic personalities. I'd say, the full blown disorder or similar tbh. And tbh, I usually evident from childhood.

They tend to be dishonest, cold and attention seeking or mean. Variations there of. Of course kids (and brothers) can irrelevant vile. But looking back, we all knew there were rotters or bullshitters that stood out from the norm. Assholes that the adults seemed to just let away with it usually.

Looking back, any of that ring a bell with him?

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 20:02

*can regularly be vile

Soul11Soul · 18/04/2022 20:02

Start telling them you're doing things that you're not. Let them spend their money and time being dicks. Don't let it bother you. You won't be able to stop them anyway.

drpet49 · 18/04/2022 20:04

* Why did you mention it to your mum?! Unnecessary.*

@Loopytiles er the OP is allowed to speak to her own mum for goodness sake Hmm

Shouldershrugger · 18/04/2022 20:05

I would be petty and remind them subtly that her parents are so generous to allow them such a great and blessed lifestyle. I'd probably add normal people like us have to work for these things and even then most aren't as fortunate. But hey, I'm petty. This behaviour gets really tiring, really quick. Good luck

HeddaGarbled · 18/04/2022 20:06

Then when we came to see their new house last year they out of the blue spent twenty minutes ranting to us about how they’re annoyed because they are sick of my mum always talking about us and what we’re doing and they feel like “we’re her favourites”, this was news to me and not something I’d ever noticed before

This is the nub of it. Don’t dismiss it because you haven’t noticed it. They feel what they feel.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:06

Of course she’s allowed, but it’s usually unhelpful for adult siblings to involve parents in issues between the siblings. OP has a relationship with her brother independently of their parents.

Carbiesdreamhouse · 18/04/2022 20:11

I'd have fun with this. Make some events up to get them to compete. How ridiculous can you get them to go?

Alternatively, when they brag you can head tilt and say "oh that's a shame" to wrong foot them in their brag.

Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 20:11

@Loopytiles I didn’t mention anything they said about her to my mum or dad, I just mentioned that I felt like things were getting a bit weird, in that we’re being constantly told how rich her parents are every time we see them, when money is tight for all of us and my dad got made redundant last year and is out of work, so it feels a bit insensitive and crass. My mum and dad got defensive about them and said they probably don’t realise how it comes across and they’re just sharing happy news.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:14

Doesn’t matter, still unhelpful! You’ve an adult to adult relationship with your sibling, independently of your parents.

Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 20:20

@Pinkbonbon he is my younger brother, and we had a very good relationship growing up, we still do minus this issue. I think he could be a bit spiteful at times, but nothing terrible, if I had something special he sometimes ruin it and my mum would always defend him as “he’s the baby”. I had to share everything with him, but he didn’t have to share things with me etc.

I think maybe he felt a bit put out when we were younger because I was the more academic of the two of us (I went to uni and he didn’t) and maybe this is where the competitive thing started as he feels like they have “prove themselves”. He has made quite a few comments that he thinks I’ve become “middle class” or a snob because of random things like I’m vegetarian, I don’t support brexit, I have a masters degree, my accent has softened slightly (because I haven’t lived in my home town for 8+ years now) and the weirdest one: I don’t like Wetherspoons (random I know, but it seems to really wind them up).

OP posts:
Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 20:24

@Loopytiles well she’s my mum and they do all of this in front of them, so I wanted to see what they made of it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 20:25

Not sure that sounds ideal even growing up with him op. It sounds like whenever he acted like a spoilt wee bugger, your mother enabled it. And still does.

If probably stop sharing any big news with him and distance myself.

Groovee · 18/04/2022 20:28

I have family members like this. They are very insecure and I think it's their way of making themselves feel better about it all.

I used to get upset but no longer tell them anything. This gets their back up massively but I just ignore.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/04/2022 20:28

She is an idiot.

I hate jealous competitiveness, people who take part in that carry on are never happy.

I'd smile nod and slowly go very low contact after the wedding.

Alpenguin · 18/04/2022 20:31

OP I have a brother like this and his wife, while not boasting about material things as much, definitely seems to want my place in the family. I’m the only daughter and my dad has multiple
Sons. She wants a piece of that. My dads an arsehole, she can have it!

When my brother starts boasting about his wealth I like to talk about my bargains. If he’s boasting about a lavish meal at a Michelin starred restaurant, I’ll talk about how I made lovely soup from the yellow label veg in the supermarket. I do it in such a way as to humour him and he’s started to see how insensitive he can be about boasting. I don’t envy him his materialism, he’s worked hard for it but he could be a bit more humble about it. His wife im less tolerant of. I could moan about her all day.

Can you not humour them in some way?

Mumdiva99 · 18/04/2022 20:31

How did your brother and SiL know about the Spa, the Maldives etc etc? If you don't tell them they can't do it first. Maybe you do sound a little more bragging than you realise.

Blossombouquet · 18/04/2022 20:34

Stop telling them things.

If they directly ask about something be a bit non commital & vague “oh we haven’t decided on anything yet. Have you been to that new shop that’s just opened yet…”

I’d do the same if they start bragging. “Oh how lovely? I’ve heard it’s supposed to be rainy again next week…”

Every time.

DebtheSander · 18/04/2022 20:34

This probably comes from a place of insecurity. It might be useful to keep this in mind.

Alternatively, you could test them. Play with them a bit. Tell them you are thinking of buying a brand new hot tub/summer house/car etc. It doesn’t matter what. Mention it a few times and see what happens.

Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 20:34

We invited my SIL to come with us, and they asked what we are doing for our honeymoon…

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 18/04/2022 20:36

Exaggerate back and have a laugh.

Tell them your honeymoon plans have changed, you've actually got tickets to go on one of those flights into space. Or pick one of these places and go on and on about the price of it: www.exoticca.com/uk/magazine/top-10-most-expensive-holiday-destinations/

You and your fiance could make a game of it to see what the idiots will believe and try to copy.

Gagaandgag · 18/04/2022 20:41

Our in laws are just like this. It is jealousy - the SIL openly admitted it after a few drinks.

Thankfully me and DH don’t let it bother us. We are happy with our lives and genuinely happy for them! We just nod and smile but don’t pay much attention to it all.

To be honest I feel sorry for them, it must be exhausting!

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