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Original poster

Feel like my brother and sister in law are competing with me?

53 replies

Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 19:51

My fiancée has felt like this for quite a while and I’ve always brushed it off and I don’t want to believe it, but I am starting to get suspicious that it is true that my brother and sister in law are trying to compete with us.

I think individually I could explain a lot of this behaviour, but overall it is painting a picture that makes me suspicious.

First of all they are very “braggy” about material things, like things they’ve purchased, fancy restaurants they’ve been to, holidays, how much money her parents make, how her parents gift them thousands of pounds, buy lavish things like a ring that looks exactly like my engagement ring “only the diamond is much bigger”, have large extensions built on their houses, pay for them all to go to Dubai and New York together etc. It’s got to the point where I know exactly how much they all earn and how much they get in bonuses every year and I have never ever enquired about any of this.

Then when we came to see their new house last year they out of the blue spent twenty minutes ranting to us about how they’re annoyed because they are sick of my mum always talking about us and what we’re doing and they feel like “we’re her favourites”, this was news to me and not something I’d ever noticed before.

We are going to a very popular spa before our wedding as a treat (we don’t do thing like that very often at all), SIL announces at a meal that she went last week and it was rubbish and no where near as good as the spa they went to before their wedding. We have booked to stay in a water villa in the Maldives for our honeymoon, which is a once in a lifetime trip for us, two weeks later they announce out of the blue that they will be going to the Maldives in a water villa as well with her parents (who are paying) a few weeks before us and it’s heavily hinted that their resort will be much nicer than ours.

I have more examples, but I don’t want to go on.

I have tried to explain how I feel to my parents and they think I’m being paranoid and that she “means well” and “they’re just excited to share thing they’re doing”, but I’m noticing a pattern and it’s starting to grate on me. My fiancée is getting increasingly annoyed at all the bragging and one up man ship and wants to say something next time they do it.

I just feel really conflicted because I don’t want to believe they’re doing all of this to get “one up on us” because it’s my family, but it’s becoming harder and harder to ignore, would appreciate some opinions and how best to tackle this without looking like we’re just “jealous” or “bitter” which are absolutely not, I’m very happy for them it’s just the constant bragging and having to always do something better that’s grating on me.

OP posts:

Andacherryonthetop · 18/04/2022 20:43

Yeah I like some of these suggestions. The hot tub idea is good! And not mentioning things you are actually doing until after the event.

Meredusoleil · 18/04/2022 20:48

My younger brother and his wife are similar. Unfortunately. Every time I would say I want to visit so and so country, they would book a holiday there. This happened several times, so they ended up going to places I still haven't been (as he has money and we don't).

Eventually, it started to wear me down that everything was about money and the lavish lifestyle they had created with it, whilst we were working ourselves to the bone and still nowhere near able to afford those things.

I stopped telling them what I wanted to do, so they couldn't pip me to the post.

This was just the tip of the iceberg with my brother's behaviour though. Like a pp said, he had had a chip on his shoulder since we were little and growing up he had been in my shadow and always wanted to be better at me at everything. Bitg my parents indulged his spendthrift ways and bailed him out many times, despite him earning more than double what I do.

A narcissist through and through, just like my late father. Now i have no contact with him or his family. Just couldn't take his constant put downs and efforts to make us feel inferior, when really, he is the one with an insecurity issue!

SadButTheTruth · 18/04/2022 20:49

I wonder if your parents are inadvertently making things worse by bigging you up to your DB and SIL, possibly without even being aware of it, and they are now stuck in this competitive cycle of one upmanship. How did you react when they moaned about your parents? If you were dismissive they may have thought that you provoke your parents?

Either way, your options are to be the bigger person about it all and nod and smile nicely when you hear more bragging. This is what we do, it’s exhausting. Or you bite back and put them in their place as they’re not the ones finding everything whereas you are. What does your DH want to do?

ImAvingOops · 18/04/2022 20:51

I would ask my mum not to discuss anything about my life with them at all. And then I would distance myself and see a lot less of them socially.
If they are boasting in front of your parents and your parents are having financial difficulties, it is okay to tell your own brother that he's being a bit of a dick and needs to stop bragging

FairyPolkadot · 18/04/2022 20:54

Some people just really enjoy talking about money. It sounds as though your SIL is one of those people and perhaps your brother is enjoying the feeling of being equal or ‘one up’ on you after years of feeling that he was in your shadow while you were achieving academically etc..

How to deal with it? I think by just smiling and then shifting the conversation to other, more general subjects. Maybe have a couple of good topics in mind for the next time you meet up and the talk turns to money and material possessions.

Her comment about the spa was unkind. She obviously has insecurities and feels the need to be superior. Some folk are just like that. It can become very tiring.

Circumferences · 18/04/2022 20:56

Oh I'd love to have fun with them
Tell them you're buying a holiday home in the Bahamas or something. They'll probably say the Bahamas is shit you can say "oh maybe Madagascar then!" Etc...

MargosKaftan · 18/04/2022 20:59

Either stop sharing information, or lie. (Which could be quite fun)

Tell them very little about your lives, be vague if they push for details "haven't decided yet" - just ask about their plans and don't share yours or what you've done. That would mean reducing social media sharing.

Hopefully he'll decide you are too boring and start competing with someone else.

chisanunian · 18/04/2022 21:03

Isn't one of your friends buying you a trip in a hot air balloon for a wedding present? Something like that, anyway...

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 21:04

It’s not ‘fun’ to ‘prank’ people over behaviour that’s hurtful. It’s passive aggressive or aggressive.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/04/2022 21:13

It comes from a place of insecurity, I've seen it a million times before. People who do this have felt inferior in the past and are over compensating because they are trying to prove they have improved their situation. I have to admit to doing it myself. I think you need to tell them each time that they are being competitive and pissing deliberately on your chips.

Praxoulla007 · 18/04/2022 21:19

Keep the parents out of it. Its not fair and it will come to no good. i speak from experience. The parents will pull with you and you will lose your brother eventually if this carries on. The SIL won't care - she has her own family. Fast forward 5 years like this and you will be barely talking with your brother.

Stop this in its tracks. Stop the oneupmanship. You are as much to blame as they are. Your fiancé is guided by you and how you feel. Don't drag him into it - he will end up arguing with your brother or even worse, your parents.

Bring it to an end or you will destroy your family. This is quite often how it starts.

Bearsar90 · 18/04/2022 21:25

They are bragging but probably unintentionally.

I'd just say something like 'it's quite distasteful to talk about money' or something to that effect because let's be honest.. it is. My friend does it, I don't particularly care because we are on a similar level (not that it matters) but some of our friends struggle and I think it makes her look thoughtless. She actually isn't but I think she does it subconsciously to validate herself.

SarahBellam · 18/04/2022 21:27

Kill it with exaggerated kindness. If they go to those lengths they must be desperately insecure.

“You’re so lucky”
“You must be thrilled”
“How exciting for you”

Etc. etc. They’re doing it for a reaction and for some vague momentary satisfaction of feeling superior, and even a bit of approval. Just continually be delighted for them. It’ll completely knock the wind out of their sails…though don’t boast back.

Meredusoleil · 18/04/2022 21:38

@Praxoulla007

Bring it to an end or you will destroy your family. This is quite often how it starts.

How very true.

Any method you decide to use, will eventually wear you down though. That's how it was in my case anyway. I just couldn't be bothered with it all in the end. Why should you have to put up with them behaving like that and having to adjust your behaviour around them, just so they don't make you feel bad?

Meredusoleil · 18/04/2022 21:39

@Praxoulla007

Bring it to an end or you will destroy your family. This is quite often how it starts.

Also, how do you stop the one upmanship without not engaging with them, when it's not you creating it in the first place?

Yoohoo778611 · 18/04/2022 21:43

My late SIL was always copying everything we bought for our house.
Same settee, same wallpaper etc etc
Until one day we told her that we were buying a new sofa and it was purple
but we would have to wait 3 months for it to be delivered.
The next week she had a hideous purple sofa delivered.
3 months later we had a lovely cream/brown sofa delivered.
She went absolutely mental that she had paid all that money
and we had lied about our furniture.
Did we laugh after telling her we were fed up of her copying.
She never did it again.

2bazookas · 18/04/2022 21:45

They are just asking to be taken for an expensive ride.

You need some brochures. Exotic travel, designer bags, shirts, whatever SIL most covets. Scatter brochures around your house. Mark a few items or holidays/dates with a folded corner and pen. Wait for them to notice then deny everything . " Oh, don't say anything to anyone PLEASE. It's meant to be a surprise for my fiance".

bigred22 · 18/04/2022 21:45

@Yoohoo778611

My late SIL was always copying everything we bought for our house. Same settee, same wallpaper etc etc Until one day we told her that we were buying a new sofa and it was purple but we would have to wait 3 months for it to be delivered. The next week she had a hideous purple sofa delivered. 3 months later we had a lovely cream/brown sofa delivered. She went absolutely mental that she had paid all that money and we had lied about our furniture. Did we laugh after telling her we were fed up of her copying. She never did it again.

😂 absolutely perfect outcome

Original poster

Elsiebear90 · 18/04/2022 21:45

There is no one up manship coming from me, I’m happy for them, I’m not a materialistic or competitive person so I would never do something or buy something just because someone else has it, I couldn’t care less about that. SIL knew about the spa as she was invited, they knew about the honeymoon because they asked us what we were doing for our honeymoon. He’s my brother so I don’t know how I would have a relationship with him he didn’t know anything about my life.

I won’t mention it to my mum again because I’m sure she will always defend them and say I’m being overly sensitive, so it’s pointless.

OP posts:

Meredusoleil · 18/04/2022 21:49

@Elsiebear90

I won’t mention it to my mum again because I’m sure she will always defend them and say I’m being overly sensitive, so it’s pointless.

I'm the same OP. Hate playing mind games of any sort and especially with family members who you should be able to tell anything to!

Praxoulla007 · 18/04/2022 21:51

@Meredusoleil

you stop the oneupmanship by using expressions like "how amazing, how wonderful, that sounds lovely" and then -change the subject, talk about something else and bring the conversation round to what you want to talk about so that you are not engaging in the oneupmanship.

Eg She says "We are going to the Maldives at another resort that's got x and y" You say "Wow, that's amazing, how absolutely wonderful. How lovely" and then change the subject to "what are your plans for next weekend?"

Meredusoleil · 18/04/2022 21:57

[quote Praxoulla007]@Meredusoleil

This is what I did, kept the relationship with my brother alive, and did not stress out my parents. It worked. As to your comment, why should you adjust your behaviour around them ? Well, it was worth it to keep my family in tact.[/quote]
Believe me, I tried that for a long time. But eventually I started to feel like he was better than me and I wasn't good enough or deserving of those things he could afford. I suppose jealousy got the better of me in the end 🤷 Despite being happy with my lot, it's very hard when your nose is constantly being rubbed in it with look at what we've got and what you're missing out on. If only you had a rich husband and on and on 😏

Praxoulla007 · 18/04/2022 22:01

@Meredusoleil - that sounds horrible. I am so sorry you went through that.

tkwal · 18/04/2022 22:05

Sounds like there are chips on their shoulders. Life your lives to suit yourselves, they sure as he'll won't change theirs for you

sweetgingercat · 18/04/2022 22:43

There's not a lot you can say directly but you can certainly have some fun with them. I'd tell your brother and SIL about a fictitious friend who behaves in exactly the same way SIL does. Using different examples, tell them how awful this fictitious friend's one-upmanship is, how sorry you feel for them that they have money but no class, no original ideas, how boring it is she has to compete to feel valued and how you secretly believe she must psychologically damaged.

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