Please help - devastated

[Blossom12345]

My fiancé has suffered from depression all of his life. He shuts down when emotions are shown. He was abused by his parents. When things get really tough he sleeps, which sounds odd but it’s what he does. He can sleep for hours. He’s on anti depressants.

2 years ago he said he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore. He had come off his medication (antidepressants) and was out of work. He went to therapy and after months he said that the cloud disappeared and he knew he loved me but that he could finally feel it again. For the last two years it’s been amazing. He agrees.
He then told me yesterday he’s unsure if he’s still in love me with me. But told me he is in a rut mental health wise. We’ve openly talked about him being on a downward spiral for the last 6 weeks. He’s said he’s felt out of love for a month as he doesn’t want to be affectionate towards me and doesn’t feel in love. I’m now unsure whether it’s the depression again or whether he has simply fallen out of love. He said he wants to make it work and he will seek therapy again. I just don’t know if I can do it again. I think I’ve been too co dependant on him. He’s my whole world and we were planning our wedding. We’ve been together 8 years. Please someone tell me it gets better or there might be happy ending. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.

Shanalear has said what I wanted too far more succulently

It’s really hard OP. My DH has depression but won’t do anything about it. The last 7 years has been sooo hard. He also describes to me how he doesn’t feel for me sometimes and it’s heartbreaking and emotionally destroying to hear. Sometimes I’d love for him to leave, or for me to leave but he’s so unbelievably fragile and I know he’ll do something stupid.
please bear in mind how much harder it can get and the toll it most certainly will take on you, especially if he doesn’t help himself.
also remember that people with depression are not exempt from being emotionally abusive. 💐

Jagertoddy

You are me - 7 years without seeking help. It nearly killed me. I was the one undergoing treatment for his depression.

One of you has to stay afloat - no good is done with both of you sinking. You have the insight so it can only be you who makes the change, takes the step towards better mental health.

For us things came to a crisis and I gave out some tough love - "Shape up or ship out". I know that sounds unbearably cruel, but I'm sure part of my DP's depression was actually being familiar with his depression, as if he'd learnt to be that person, who couldn't climb out of the mire. His did 'shape up', not that he sort out treatment, but he knows that if ever there's a hint of a repeat of the depressive cycle and he doesn't seek treatment, I'm out.

You are not his therapist, you are his partner, and your mental health is just as important as his. You are not required to sacrifice yourself because of his depression.

I did guess that he had come off his antidepressants. It is really really common for partners of depressed people to need antidepressants themselves just to cope.

Why not have six months apart and see how you feel? He will cope, don't worry about that.

I'm more interested in how you would feel after that break. It must be incredibly depressing and distressing to live with somebody going through that. It's all about him but this is your life and it has to be about you too.