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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - devastated

29 replies

Blossom12345 · 18/04/2022 16:12

My fiancé has suffered from depression all of his life. He shuts down when emotions are shown. He was abused by his parents. When things get really tough he sleeps, which sounds odd but it’s what he does. He can sleep for hours. He’s on anti depressants.

2 years ago he said he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore. He had come off his medication (antidepressants) and was out of work. He went to therapy and after months he said that the cloud disappeared and he knew he loved me but that he could finally feel it again. For the last two years it’s been amazing. He agrees.
He then told me yesterday he’s unsure if he’s still in love me with me. But told me he is in a rut mental health wise. We’ve openly talked about him being on a downward spiral for the last 6 weeks. He’s said he’s felt out of love for a month as he doesn’t want to be affectionate towards me and doesn’t feel in love. I’m now unsure whether it’s the depression again or whether he has simply fallen out of love. He said he wants to make it work and he will seek therapy again. I just don’t know if I can do it again. I think I’ve been too co dependant on him. He’s my whole world and we were planning our wedding. We’ve been together 8 years. Please someone tell me it gets better or there might be happy ending. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.

OP posts:
Thefoxsays · 18/04/2022 16:25

There might be a happy ending, but this does seem like a pattern. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Maybe you should take a break and live apart, let him access his counselling and of course be supportive but you cannot continue supporting someone so intensely when they have outright said they don't know if they love you anymore. He needs to seek professional help immediately for his mental health and you need a break from it all.

Okeydoky · 18/04/2022 16:29

You have to face the fact that if you stay together this will likely happen every few years. Are you prepared to pay that price? If not I think you need to step away, hard as that may be.

Original poster
Blossom12345 · 18/04/2022 16:36

The scary thing is I think you’re both right. I love him with all my heart though and it terrifies me that we won’t be together because I cannot imagine life without him. He always has worse days than others but we get through them. I worry that maybe I am the reason he is down. His last therapist said when things get tough he sabotages relationships. When he was growing up he was taught showing emotions was bad.
I just want the old him back. The him of even 24 hours ago.

OP posts:
seensome · 18/04/2022 16:39

You need a break, at least temporarily, not sure if you're living together? or not.
He needs to figure out he's feelings, whether it's him or the relationship has come to the end. It can't be much good for you either and probably do you some good to be less co dependant on him.

Original poster
Blossom12345 · 18/04/2022 16:48

Yes we live together. He said he wants to try be us again for a couple of weeks and see if things improve. At first I thought this was great but now I’m wondering if it is so great. My head is all over. We have recently made so many plans too, it feels so cruel to now be in this position.

OP posts:
Okeydoky · 18/04/2022 16:56

So you spend the next few weeks trying to make him happy and to persuade him to love you?

Love shouldn't be this difficult. You deserve to be happy without having to go through this every few years. It isn't your job to fix him.

miraveile · 18/04/2022 17:00

Just throw him out so he can live with the consequences of his decisions! He isn't going to feel any affects while still having you at his beck and call. If there's any hope, that's the way to do it. And if he's fine single, then you've got your answer and can move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 17:05

I'd be showing his arse the door. You are not his emotional punching bag that he can wail on when it fancies him. He can find someone else to be a selfish bastard to, the prick.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/04/2022 17:21

I couldn’t get to the end of your post because what you are describing is so exhausting and depressing.

If I am right in thinking you don’t have children together, in your shoes I would stop this relationship immediately and never go back. (He is likely to start saying he didn’t mean it … he was just depressed… could you try again.) No.

Then, I would get counselling for myself because I think there is something wrong somewhere in your background that made you take on persevering in this relationship if you can even call it that.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/04/2022 17:25

@Blossom12345

The scary thing is I think you’re both right. I love him with all my heart though and it terrifies me that we won’t be together because I cannot imagine life without him.

I think someone mentioned co-dependency and that sounds right imho. It would be surprising if there is not something in your own back ground that has paved the way for you to cling on to this relationship as bringing you ‘Love’.

Georgeskitchen · 18/04/2022 18:00

All this sounds very draining. It seems to be all about him. Where do your feelings come into it because from you post, they don't seem to feature much.
You have to consider whether you really want this cycle repeating itself for the rest of your life , or something less complicated

Original poster
Blossom12345 · 18/04/2022 18:01

I know you’re all probably right but I can’t bring myself to kick him out incase it is his mental health. Because then I’ve lost a relationship to mental health and I couldn’t bare that. Although it’s probably just him. He keeps asking us to just try and see how we get on to see if he can get out of a rut. I just don’t know what to do. I’m usually quite a final person- once he’s out the door it’s done. But I don’t feel I’m ready for that. Just 24 hours ago I thought everything was fine. I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 18/04/2022 18:11

Do you have a therapist you can talk to for yourself? I don't know what you should do about your relationship, but it's very draining to have a loved one with significant MH issues that last a long time. Support for you is crucial no matter what you decide to do.

Original poster
Blossom12345 · 18/04/2022 19:23

It is so hard being with someone with depression. You never know what is really them or what is the depression talking. He keeps telling me he wants us to work it out whilst he goes to therapy incase it is his depression. I can’t get out of bed. I have an awful headache. I don’t know how I’m going to go to work tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossom12345 · 21/04/2022 12:04

So it transpires he has come off his anti depressants without the doctor knowing, or anyone else! I am so cross with him. He said he was tired of feeling flat and wanted to feel the ups and the downs. Well now it’s all one big downer for us both.

So now we’re in the position of getting him back on track with medication and therapy and wondering whether his feeling of being in love returns, or whether it has just simply gone. In the mean time I have to make some decisions about what I can cope with and what I can’t. If he had a physical illness and stopped taking medication, I imagine I’d stay with him. Mental health is just such a minefield.

OP posts:
Incapacitated · 21/04/2022 12:09

This isn't fair on you is it.

emmakenny · 21/04/2022 13:53

This isn't a happy relationship. His mental health isn't an excuse for putting you through this.

chisanunian · 21/04/2022 14:05

Please don't martyr yourself and spend the rest of your life being his crutch. Things can't carry on like this indefinitely, you need to take care of yourself and your own emotions and feelings, not just his.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/04/2022 14:20

As hard as it may be, I think it’s time to step away. He is not willing to deal with his illness in a healthy sensible way. That is his decision. You should not have to deal with that.

You should be putting yourself first. Struggle love is a fiction created to keep women in the position of supporting men who don’t deserve that support and who need to take responsibility for their own lives.
Do you want children?? Because time is running out and this man is not in a position to be a father.

💐.

Threetulips · 21/04/2022 14:26

Everything you’ve said is all about him.

What do you want? Is this what you deserve? What happens if something really bad happened, can you be 100% sure he would step up and support you?

because all I can see is a one sided relationship and you aren’t getting anything out of it.

Gotmynewshoes · 21/04/2022 14:38

Your mental health will be damaged if you carry on this way. Don't sacrifice yourself for him especially when he doesn't look after himself properly.

gamerchick · 21/04/2022 14:45

Stay with him all you want if this is the life you want. Please don't bring kids into it to put up with it though. That would be selfish.

Original poster
Blossom12345 · 21/04/2022 15:25

I completely understand and respect everyone’s comments, thank you for taking the time. However i don’t feel it’s as simple as walking away when you love someone who has depression. It’s an illness which grips them and makes them not see as clearly. When he’s good, which is 95% of the time, he’s brilliant and our relationship is amazing. It’s just when the depression grips him when it’s awful.

Maybe I’m making excuses for him. Time will tell I guess. I hope no one else is going through this though.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 21/04/2022 15:44

You deserve to be happy.
you are not responsible for his mental health (especially when he chooses to sabotage it).
He is a grown man who makes the choices he wants to make. You are entitled to make the choices you want to make.
You are not his counsellor.

DPotter · 21/04/2022 15:49

Oh Blossom - what can I say? Been there, got the Tshirt and come out the other side, possibly wiser, definitely less patient and accommodating.

My DP has cycles of depression, we're actually overdue for one, and the toll on my mental health has been immense. I do sort of get what you're saying about the depression being the issue, not the person, but, and it's a 'but' not an 'however', 3 way relationships don't work, ie you, him and the depression. You will play 2nd fiddle to the depression, will be expected to compromise for the depression, possibly require treatment for depression yourself and can't blame anyone because it's the depression. Coming of medication without medical support is such a red flag. Depression can be a life long condition, requiring life long treatment, just like diabetes, high blood pressure etc.

There was a very interesting thread yesterday from about a wife whose husband was refusing to follow health advice for diabetes, had been for some time and now was starting to see adverse effects. She's at the end of her tether, and is contemplating leaving.

Only you can ultimately decide but trust me when I say, as much as I love my partner, I will not be able to support him through another cycle, without his active engagement in treatment. My health, my mental wellbeing will not be able to. I have taken the decision that I can't run myself into the ground. If others judge that to be a failing on my part, then so be it.

Your DP needs to understand he has a major role to play in managing his life long condition and if he can't do that for himself and for you and any potential children, please do not feel obliged to sacrifice your health alongside his. And this is on him, not you. he needs to be the active partner in watching and maintaining his mental health, seeking additional treatment as and when. Not you.

I had to give my DP the tough love talk several years ago, he gets his act together and gets treatment or I walk away. I think you need to do the same. Don't get all romantic about this - hitching your life to someone else's is a major step and both parties need to fully commit, being distracted by depression is no excuse.

Sorry if the tough love approach sounds harsh, but I have lived it and it's no bed of roses