Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lonely

29 replies

Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 11:33

I couldn’t t think of a proper title but lonely pretty much sums it up - however I’m also nervous of feeling “penned in” if I make friends.
I’m a single mum to my DD 16. Parents passed years ago, no proper local friends, friend who was a close friend is barely in contact. Work colleagues aren’t people I’d socialise with. I’ve also tried dating but no real connections so far.
I’ve met a few people who seem to want to be friends but I feel worried that they’ll suggest activities I don’t want to do or might want to meet too often - despite my loneliness , I also need my own space. This all sounds mad and full of contradictions and think there must be something wrong with me.
I just don’t know what do do. Wondered if I might be depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 11:53

Bump

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 18/04/2022 12:25

You are lonely but have met local people who want to be friends but you might not want to do what they suggest? Who do you want?

Try suggesting something you like doing then.

Most people are busy with life so are unlikely to smother you.

You can't have friendships all on your own terms. Bit of give and take.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 12:29

@frozendaisy I know - it completely doesn’t make sense. I’m feel anxious at the thought of developing new friendships and yet feel drained when I spend time with some people. I’m my own worst enemy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 12:32

I think you need to give these people a chance and step out of your comfort zone a little. Nothing will change if you don't, and the very worst that can happen is that you find you don't want to do that particular thing again.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 12:33

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, I know your right and I have tried. I will keep trying as when my dd leaves home I’m going to be completely alone.

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 18/04/2022 12:35

I think you may be depressed as I felt similar to you before and was diagnosed. Speak to your GB about your inertia

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 12:49

@youlightupmyday thank you. I have been prescribed ADs already (for anxiety) but too concerned about side effects to take them so far. Viscous circle 😞

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 12:51

Could peri-menopause be at play, op? It can cause havoc with absolutely everything, especially anxiety.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 13:23

@Aquamarine1029 no I doubt it. I’ve felt like this on and off for years.

OP posts:
Crackersnack · 18/04/2022 13:30

Could you join a hobby/activity group so that there is structure to your socialising/friendship? I understand about the anxiety around being available to friends for unexpected or unpredictable activities, but if you have a hobby you do or might enjoy trying, you could potentially make some hobby- based friendships to ease into making new friendships, and later on might feel more confident seeing those (or other) friends outside the structure of the hobby group/activity, but you could take that at your own pace. A hobby where there is a chance to have a proper friend-type conversation while you're doing it would be useful. What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Would a knitting, pottery, art or similar type of group be something you could be interested in?

youlightupmyday · 18/04/2022 13:52

Honestly, take the ADs, they helped me ENORMOUSLY

gooddaysun · 18/04/2022 14:22

Hi OP. I'm in the exactly the same position except I haven't met anybody that wants to be friends.

I'm going to start going to meet ups with people I share a hobby with. Could you do that and then you'll only see them once a month or whenever you meet?

I don't think many people would make you feel "penned in" if you were to start a friendship with them as they will have lots going on in their lives too.

I don't have any original advice but I do know where you are coming from. If we lived close by I'd have a coffee with you.

Xztop · 18/04/2022 16:22

This is me. Only I have no potential friends. I have no money to engage in any activities and I have no interests other than watching TV, reading and my cats. DD is 13 so busy with her friends these days.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 21:12

Thanks so much for the replies. I don’t really have any hobbies I could join a club for. I think maybe I just need to get back to being happier alone. Maybe I want meant to have close friends - I just don’t know.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2022 21:22

This sounds quite normal to me.
Similar to someone who wants a relationship, but is afraid of it getting too serious.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 21:26

@Gwenhwyfar spot on! That’s how I am with dating too 😩

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2022 21:59

[quote Enigma545]@Gwenhwyfar spot on! That’s how I am with dating too 😩[/quote]
Are you anxious avoidant? Or maybe just avoidant?
I am lonely, but can't be with the same people all the time and also need loads of time to myself. I'm not worried about people wanting to be with me all the time though, that just doesn't happen to me.
Does the penned in feeling come from student times where you were around people who had a lot of free time? It's different with adults.

Palease · 18/04/2022 22:19

I understand as I am the same. I crave friendship but at the same time I don’t want to them be tied to someone and they expect me to do things with them as what if I start feeling anxious and don’t want to be very friendly any more? It’s the expectation then. Lockdown was great for me as I didn’t have to force myself to attend social events but I could still WhatsApp friends.

I don’t really have advice as I am the same but loneliness is horrible and it’s much worse than the anxiety of having to see friends you’ve made. After you become comfortable with a new friend you can open up about your anxiety. This was quite groundbreaking for me to realise - I didn’t have to hide that part of myself I was worried people would reject me for. Anxiety is fine.

Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 22:22

@Palease thanks 😊 Know what you mean about lockdown- in some ways it was so peaceful ie no decisions, no pressure to see anyone, no feeling of missing out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enigma545 · 18/04/2022 22:27

@Gwenhwyfar I don’t know which I am - I’ll read up on it.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 18/04/2022 23:17

Do you think your insular approach to life might be affecting your daughter? Do to think she's aware of your loneliness?

You need to change your mindset otherwise nothing will change

Ivemessedup22 · 19/04/2022 12:29

@Crackersnack

Could you join a hobby/activity group so that there is structure to your socialising/friendship? I understand about the anxiety around being available to friends for unexpected or unpredictable activities, but if you have a hobby you do or might enjoy trying, you could potentially make some hobby- based friendships to ease into making new friendships, and later on might feel more confident seeing those (or other) friends outside the structure of the hobby group/activity, but you could take that at your own pace. A hobby where there is a chance to have a proper friend-type conversation while you're doing it would be useful. What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Would a knitting, pottery, art or similar type of group be something you could be interested in?
This is excellent advice. I’m the same as the Op . Very lonely and depressed but find it hard being around other people and used to my own space now. I joined an art group and loved it. They were so friendly, we had a chat and a laugh so I got some human company. But then obviously we all go home to our own lives. I think a couple of them made friends outside the group but it’s a good in between of company but not close friendship. I had to give up as my depression has got the better of me sadly. But I will return when I’m well enough x
Original poster
Enigma545 · 20/04/2022 23:26

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I know I need to try to make more effort but my anxiety gets the better of me. I have Prozac but still too worried about side effects to try it.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 21/04/2022 13:12

I know what you mean. I like my own space too. We in a walking group. I dont do all the evenings just one. They fine with that. But nice to see other adults

whenwilliwillibefamous · 21/04/2022 13:29

Sounds like you're out of practice, socially, OP. Think, a dog owned by someone who never walked it - in the long run it needs that exercise and stimulation, but at first it would be very much out of its depth in the local park with other dogs, kids etc!

Start off by organising more time spent with other people. Even something like going out on your own to the same coffee shop at the same time every week.

Volunteer for odds and sods. Parkrun volunteering is good to meet people because it's a fixed time, people usually chat idly while they're doing it, often go for coffee in big groups after.

Say yes when people ask you to join them in something that sounds ok. You can always say no should their followup suggestion be "joining a foreign legion in Ukraine" (it probably won't). Don't worry if some of the leads don't pan out. It's all about generally opening your life up a bit.
Just get out and up your "people" time and see how you feel in a year.