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Original poster

DH always says he's unwell suddenly

46 replies

Samesame89 · 18/04/2022 08:38

Don't want to sound unsympathetic but DH has habit of saying he's unwell at v convenient moments. When we argue he gets a headache. When we need to tidy up he gets light headed and needs to sit down. Last night he stayed up with an old friend until 1am and this morning when the DC woke at 6am..my DH says he thinks he has sinusitis and needs to go back to bed for the morning

I think he actually does believe it maybe. Basically every time he stressed or tired he takes to his bed. We have two DC under 3. My pelvic floor is screwed and I'm spending my life with two kids hanging off me.

I try to suggest he might not be unwell and apparently I'm awful and suspicious.

OP posts:
Isgooglebroken · 18/04/2022 08:53

Infuriating. Sounds like an avoidance tactic.
Maybe you should take to your bed occasionally and leave him to it. See how he likes it.
Migraine? Dizziness?
Next time he’s off and preparing to go somewhere tell him you’ve come over all funny and need to lie down!

Cinnabomb · 18/04/2022 08:56

Agree he’s subconsciously or not, using it to get out of chores. I’m sure there have been plenty of times when you haven’t felt 100% but just get on with it without mentioning it as that’s what adults are supposed to do. Next time he says he is unwell, say you are too, then ask him how you are going to split responsibilities so you both get a rest

NoSquirrels · 18/04/2022 08:58

Keep a diary of each incident. Express extreme concern that he’s so unwell so frequently. Suggest he urgently sees the GP.

Or, just use the evidence in black and white to kick him up the arse. Lazy shite.

oldestmumaintheworld · 18/04/2022 08:59

He's a lazy arse and is making excuses. He is manipulating you into doing all the things he doesn't want to. The only appropriate response is 'Oh dear, never mind. You'll be fine.'

Unanananana · 18/04/2022 09:01

Sounds like he is doing everything he can to not participate in life (housework, parenting etc) by feigning illness. Maybe he needs a full health MOT with all these headaches and lightheadedness that seem to only occur when doing chores, rather than when he socialises. Strange that?

Taking to his bed like a swoony old auntie is hardly attractive either. Does he shuffle about after he gets up or leap out of bed when he is sure all the drudge has been done by you?

He needs to do his fair share without all this drama.

Nyfluff · 18/04/2022 09:02

Physical symptoms of stress are very possible. Does he have ME or post viral fatigue? I wouldn't discount his symptoms, suggest he goes to the doctor.

Fireyflies · 18/04/2022 09:17

DH used to have a really annoying habit of being "ill" every time we had something social planned with my friends (never when it was his friends). I don't think it was a conscious effort to get out of going out, more that he was over tired and run down and would just articulate that as being "ill" I started keeping a record of it in the end to challenge him. That was when he used to commute to work every day so was always tired. He doesn't commute any more and the problem has stopped - so I think tiredness was really the problem

sobby49 · 18/04/2022 09:21

Divorce him.

shazzer1978 · 18/04/2022 09:21

He sounds like the pre schoolers at work who always need a wee as soon as it’s time to tidy up.

Kapsauss · 18/04/2022 09:22

There was a thread here quite a while ago about a husband who (I can't remember exactly) either complained being tired all the time or complained about wtf was wife doing at home when he was at work. They too had very young children (IIRC was 3 under 4).
Anyway - after hearing same old song every evening, she booked herself alone into a spa for a weekend! Left on Friday once husband came home (and sang the song of his "Omg what ya been doing all daaayy??'), he apparently noticed a suitcase and wife been dressed into "going out" clothes. He asked what's happening and she said "I'm going to a spa for the weekend. See you on Sunday. I'll expect the house to be a show home once I get back since YOU DO PARENTING AND HOUSEWORK SO MUCH BETTER!"
He was floored.
She left.
Came back on Sunday later afternoon- house wasa tip, husband had not shaved or showered since Friday morning, kids were wearing Fridays PJs, dishes had not been done, they had lived off of freezer stuff and take aways. It was a brilliant read! Husband was so so soooo frazzled and guess who pulled up his socks and never ever once did she hear the "WhAt YoU BeEn DoInG all daaayyy???" again.
She said that this was the 1st time she had ever put herself first during their relationship, she felt so guilty all weekend and didn't enjoy the emotional side of it, but she did say she got brilliant sleep and all meals that she didn't have to cook/clean afterwards, which was the highlight of her weekend.
So yeah. Put yourself first and give him something to cry about!

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2022 09:23

My DD does this - “I feel sick, my tummy hurts” whenever we have something planned which she doesn’t fancy. (She never feels sick when she has a party to go to, or we are going to the cinema for her etc). It’s an avoidance tactic.

What are his parents like about sickness? My family is very much of the “take an aspirin and get on with it” mindset; for my in-laws being “ill” is something to be taken very seriously. Take your example of being up drinking until 1am; natural consequence is that you feel rotten and don’t want to be up at 6am. So the “sinusitis” is, in his mind, a respectable/reasonable excuse not to do it. He probably does feel lousy - but it’s most likely something a coffee and two paracetamol and an early night would cure.

HardbackWriter · 18/04/2022 09:29

My DH is a complete hypochondriac and has a tendency towards suddenly feeling 'ill' when there's stuff he doesn't want to do. He announced he was feeling peaky last week, just as we were both about to have a week off doing things with our 3 and 1 year old, and suggested that perhaps I should take them out by myself that day. I gave this very short shrift, naturally - until he started vomiting and didn't stop for 48 hours. Ooops.

Dogknowsbest · 18/04/2022 09:30

kapsauss I love that story.

I know if someone continually did it to me I'd be saying to them their symptoms were a red flag for something more serious (which they are) and I'd book them an appointment at the doctor. If all of a sudden it's not that bad then they have to help. It worked a couple of times for me in previous relationships.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 18/04/2022 09:42

Do the same. As soon as it’s time to wash up or anything say you have a headache and head up for a nap. Just keep doing it. Even out that balance.

You could pre empt and say “we are going to need to wash up in 10 minutes, are you going to feel well enough or would you prefer to leave it until you’re feeling ok?”

crackingreward · 18/04/2022 09:57

He actually sounds like me - im autistic. Arguing does give me a sore head, I'm not able to cope with the mental stress of it and that manifests in a physical way. Same with doing things about the house, I have to do this at my own pace otherwise I do get overwhelmed and physically unwell. We don't have a situation where one of us tells the other we need to tidy up though, we have long since worked out that in our own time is fine for us.

The sinus thing, lying down is the worst thing you can do so I would encourage him into learning about how to help himself here. Sudafed tabs and getting up would be a good start.

Basically every time he stressed or tired he takes to his bed.

I genuinely have to do this: Don't write him off as being lazy just yet, there may be a reason he needs to do this. Someone upthread mentioned ME, that's a possibility, as are other physical illnesses. And as with me, there may be a neuro divergent reason, although you would know if he had any other indicators of something like that.

M0RVEN · 18/04/2022 10:05

@Cauliflowersqueeze

Do the same. As soon as it’s time to wash up or anything say you have a headache and head up for a nap. Just keep doing it. Even out that balance.

You could pre empt and say “we are going to need to wash up in 10 minutes, are you going to feel well enough or would you prefer to leave it until you’re feeling ok?”

This.
user1471538283 · 18/04/2022 10:09

I would compete for a bit. He feels unwell and so do you. I've had to look after my DS when we've both been unwell. He needs to grow up

frazzledasarock · 18/04/2022 10:12

Put the kids in the room with him tell him you need to do an urgent important chore and you’ll be back in a bit.

Go to a cafe (take a book with you), have cake and tea and read for a couple of hours/watch the world go by. Invite a friend to go with you if you like.

Stroll back home in a few hours tell him you’ve got a dreadful headache and go to bed.

Herejustforthisone · 18/04/2022 10:31

He’s lazy and checking out by feigning illness. I bet he’d expect you to plough on even if you were genuinely ill.

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 10:34

Does he have a Dressing Gown of Doom?
I hope you were hoovering when he went back to bed?
Next time take you and the dc out for lunch. Say it was to give him some peace. Make him miss out. Unattractive quality
..

MrFsAunt · 18/04/2022 10:50

@frazzledasarock

Put the kids in the room with him tell him you need to do an urgent important chore and you’ll be back in a bit.

Go to a cafe (take a book with you), have cake and tea and read for a couple of hours/watch the world go by. Invite a friend to go with you if you like.

Stroll back home in a few hours tell him you’ve got a dreadful headache and go to bed.

I love this idea, in fact I think I'll do it today - and im not even in OP's situation.
layladomino · 18/04/2022 12:38

Next time he tries this, send him off to bed then do something with DC's that he'd really love (out for a meal at his favourite place for example). Explain after it's a shame he missed it but what with him being so ill.....

Do the same to him. When he's really looking forward to something, say you're ill at the last minute, so he can take the DC's on his own (even better if he was relying on you to do the childcare / drive so he can drink).

Both the above are perhaps childish but if he won't listen to a grown up conversation. If you want to be more grown up about it -

In a calm moment, tell him that you know he uses illness to get out of things he doesn't want to do. He can deny it, it might even be subconsious, but it isn happening. Then point it out each time it happens. Each time he denies, tell him you know the truth. Tell him it's very unattractive and childish and you go off him a bit more every time he does it.

VaddaABeetch · 18/04/2022 12:43

I believe you are married to a Victorian Maiden.

You need to buy smelling salts & a fainting couch.

cunningartificer · 18/04/2022 21:35

I thought DH feigned tiredness when he was bored. Until he collapsed after feeling faint at a dinner out and was rushed to hospital with a bleeding ulcer. Taking it seriously minimises the risk you'll miss something serious but also makes it boring if they're actually ok. So make him stay in bed (no TV no devices) just water to drink and bed rest until he's properly better. Refuse all efforts to get up as he's so ill. Boredom is a marvellous cure!

Riverlee · 18/04/2022 22:04

If he has a specific job to do, then could you calmly say that you will leave the job so he can do it whenever he feels better?