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Original poster

DH always says he's unwell suddenly

46 replies

Samesame89 · 18/04/2022 08:38

Don't want to sound unsympathetic but DH has habit of saying he's unwell at v convenient moments. When we argue he gets a headache. When we need to tidy up he gets light headed and needs to sit down. Last night he stayed up with an old friend until 1am and this morning when the DC woke at 6am..my DH says he thinks he has sinusitis and needs to go back to bed for the morning

I think he actually does believe it maybe. Basically every time he stressed or tired he takes to his bed. We have two DC under 3. My pelvic floor is screwed and I'm spending my life with two kids hanging off me.

I try to suggest he might not be unwell and apparently I'm awful and suspicious.

OP posts:

Original poster

Samesame89 · 19/04/2022 08:39

Thanks so much for all your helpful suggestions!

I don't think he does it when he's feeling 100%. I think he does it when yes tired/stressed/run down/got a cold which given we have two DS both under the age of 3...then obviously you often feel like that. So when something needs to be d and he's feels a bit off...he just thinks it's optional somehow. And when I press him to tidy up or jelp out...then he pulls out the big "but I feel sooooooo ill" and then if I still push or I roll my eyes then I'm unsympathetic and unsupportive blah blah

His mum would call A&E if he stumbed his little toe by the way (he's 42).

I do think he gets light headed but it's anxiety or something as it always happen when we have an important thing to do that day

If I divorce him then I'll just be doing it all anyway and he'll be even more self pitying.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 19/04/2022 08:47

My mum's side of the family call this "dishpan diarrhoea".

DH used to do this. I would whip out my phone at the first inkling of "illness" to "record his symptoms in case we need to show the doctor, and then it's timestamped". The irony is, when he really IS ill, I'm the one browbeating him to go see the GP and he brushes it off. Drives me mad!

Watchkeys · 19/04/2022 08:52

I try to suggest he might not be unwell and apparently I'm awful and suspicious

If a responsible person isn't able to pull their weight due to illness, it bothers them. They don't accuse others of being awful for trying to talk about it. They say things like 'I'm so sorry, I can't do the housework this afternoon because I don't feel well. Do you mind if I leave it until tomorrow?'

The fact that he's making you the problem suggests that he's manipulating you.

What's your relationship like otherwise? Does he generally step up and behave like a responsible, caring partner? Does he get 'sinusitis' and 'headaches' when he's working, and have to pull out of his responsibilities there too?

Original poster

Samesame89 · 19/04/2022 09:02

He can be responsible and take the kids out etc. He says he gets overwhelmed or that he has a headache though and that then means he can't do anything. Of course if I did the same then we'd be in real trouble. I don't know if he's manipulating me..I think he genuinely feels if he's feeling under the weather I should be concerned and take it seriously and look after him. And of course he never goes to the doctor by the way. As soon as I suggest that he's like "I'll feel better soon I don't need a fuss"

It's infuriating. And so unattractive

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/04/2022 09:08

He's manipulating you OP. If he wanted to do his fair share, he'd be finding ways around his illnesses so that he could actually do his fair share.

His manipulations are working wonders on you, because you believe him, and he's getting out of jobs and getting your attention. He's behaving like a 5 year old, and you're accepting it.

People with minor illnesses don't have to stop doing everything and go to bed. People who want to do their bit find ways of doing it. Has he ever said to you 'I feel unwell so I'm going to do this later instead?' and then followed through?

Watchkeys · 19/04/2022 09:10

If I divorce him then I'll just be doing it all anyway and he'll be even more self pitying

And that's fine. It's much easier to do the work alone than to constantly have team mates let you down. And there's lots of self pitying men out there; aren't you glad not to be married to them?

hellcatspangle · 19/04/2022 09:15

@Samesame89

Thanks so much for all your helpful suggestions!

His mum would call A&E if he stumbed his little toe by the way (he's 42).

I do think he gets light headed but it's anxiety or something as it always happen when we have an important thing to do that day

If I divorce him then I'll just be doing it all anyway and he'll be even more self pitying.

At least you'd get every other weekend off.

WimpoleHat · 19/04/2022 09:33

His mum would call A&E if he stumbed his little toe by the way (he's 42).

I think he genuinely feels if he's feeling under the weather I should be concerned and take it seriously and look after him

Yes - one of those. Ingrained from childhood. I’d be rolling my eyes and telling him that he’s not six and he has two actual small kids to look after. It is so, so unattractive in a grown man.

Squeezyhug · 19/04/2022 09:38

Insist he goes to the doctor
If he doesn’t then tell him you’re better off without him.

It sounds like avoidance tactics.

Triffid1 · 19/04/2022 10:00

I think you should monitor it and point out to him how often it happens when there's something he doesn't want to do. Remind him how deeply unattractive it is to be with someone who only wants to do the fun stuff of family life.

Also, tell him if he's genuinely ill all the time, then you expect him to see a doctor or you just don't want to hear about it ever again.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that if you're a bit tired and stressed that you will feel worse when contemplating less fun stuff. But adults realise this isn't really an option and seek solutions. DH had a habit of getting "sick" before particular activities. I genuinely do think he was unwell - the stress and anxiety of the event made him unwell. But eventually I got him to see what was happening so that he could MANAGE it better. Which he did.

Bjarnum · 19/04/2022 10:44

Regularly asking him how he is feeling - then randomly assign chores when he says he is ok!

SarahBellam · 19/04/2022 10:54

Throw him a packet of painkillers and say, “Take two of those and get on with it. That’s what I have to do, dear.”

Original poster

Samesame89 · 19/04/2022 17:07

I insisted he went to the doctor and they've given him some antibiotics so I'm either horrible or he's tricked them too! Its just confusing as he says he got an ear infection now but he was up until 1am both nights this weekend drinking. But when I questioned him about the ear "agony" he said he was taking painkillers both nights and then just gets upset.

I guess it's less about the specifics and just what is attractive. I find it really hard to find him attractive when he seems so ready to give up on the day and I come into the room to find the baby needs his nappy changed or their dinner hasn't been started and it's 5.30pm (I work full time and he works part time).

I wish I hadn't married him. But the other option looks miserable too...

OP posts:

Therealjudgejudy · 19/04/2022 17:58

He sounds so pointless and unattractive

violetbunny · 19/04/2022 18:45

Can you really imagine dealing with him for the rest of your life?
I actually think leaving him would be so much better in the long run because:

You won't feel that burning resentment every day that he gets to opt out of parenting/life and it's your job to pick up the slack
This isn't a healthy relationship dynamic to model to your kids

He sounds exhausting, I wouldn't underestimate how much toll it's having on you emotionally.

YukoandHiro · 19/04/2022 18:52

Absolutely agree with those saying call him on it by being extremely sympathetic - noting down the dates and times, buying him immune boost vitamins, pushing for a GP appt and suggesting you go with him to make sure the dr understands how frequent it is.

I bet it will stop.

Also, definitely do it yourself a few times

custardcustardmorecustard · 19/04/2022 21:24

My H does this OP. Usually, if I'm going out for the eve. On holiday he few will always have one episode of being ill, he then gets a day/eve to himself while I sort the kids. How lovely for him, a day to himself in the appartment/on the balcony . I ignore him now when he says he's ill. He does nothing at home on comparison to me and I'm expected to carry on regardless when I'm ill. I've lost all respect for him tbh

WimpoleHat · 20/04/2022 07:28

Its just confusing as he says he got an ear infection now but he was up until 1am both nights this weekend drinking

Oh - this tells you all you need to know. If this infection isn’t bad enough to stop him going to the pub, it’s not bad enough that he can’t manage basic household matters for the kids. We all have to do it. You’re feeling a bit grotty with a nasty cold or whatever - maybe you pass on the full roast dinner but you manage to make a plate of pasta for the kids. It’s just being an adult. I’m not surprised you’re cross.

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:01

He sounds like another whiny child. He doesn’t contribute much to your happiness; and he manipulates you. I know that’s not a nice word but that is what he’s doing everytime he says he’s too ill to do xyz.

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 13:07

"are you feeling okay?"

"yes, why?"

"great, get up, we need to bring the shopping in right now."

__
"how you doing darling?"

"great, you?"

"great. time to clean the pantry! come on"

muppamup · 20/04/2022 13:10

lol my 9yo does this. advance warning to him about needing time to do chores by Xpm, he doesn't need to do it straight away but at some point during the day if he's not feeling well.

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