World collapsing - partner of 20yrs just called a day on our relationship...

[WorldImplosion]

Hi.

I'm writing this as my fiancé and partner of 20yrs/nearly 21yrs, has just given me 'the talk' and told me he is tired of us being unhappy together. That he has made his mind up we have no future. 😞

We have a soon to be 7 yr old DD (next weekend), 2 cats and are living in my dream house (a 3 bed semi with ideal everything. inc squirrels, birds, owls and trees in a South West facing garden.)

This is so surreal because although I ruminate whenever I get a spare second, over what on earth I'd do if either of us every did end it, daily for months; I also don't want this to end and I've even asked for couples counseling for depression through my doctor, but we are on a wait list. (A too late list it seems)

Over the last 3 weeks and particularly since having Covid the other week, I've been having the most horrible anxiety attacks, waking up in a sweat (totally not me), small sharp pains tingly and painful pressure points on my scalp, left of my heart, poor circulation and restless legs, crying all the time. My partner has shown me no sympathy or empathy and hasn't listened to me when I've asked him to about my issues... begged him too even!

There is so much to unravel here, but right now it doesn't feel real and he's gone to bed as says he has to be up at 6am for our DD and I no doubt will sleep in. (I've been ill with low ferritin iron, vitamin d and underactive thyroid) and feeling totally apathetic at the world and fearful over the way he might talk to me that day. (Only ever verbal and emotional but not physical abuse).

Aside from the sheer terror of his revelation tonight, I am not financially independent at all!

I work 5 days a week as a TA in a school but don't earn enough to even rent privately, never mind pay bills!

Basically not only will I lose all my hopes and dreams that we could fix 'us', but we will lose our basic security of our home and I can't afford to live here - just me and our DD.

I will have no choice but to see if my elderly parents will take me and DD in at their 2 bed bungalow.

Which incidentally, is where we all lived for 10 months during and over lockdown 1 of the pandemic, whilst looking for this 'dream house' that I've lovingly decorated, inc. our daughter's room. 😞

I have no chance of increasing my earnings unless I train to be a teacher (I have a degree but in an art discipline) and knowing how unhinged I am likely to be as this horror unfolds, I am going to find it hard enough not to cry at any given moment in the day/night, never mind pursue earning more money and do my job every day!

My partner says there is no one else (I believe him as he's here all the time). He is just tired of all the bickering and us being unhappy all the time and how it's affecting our DD.

Incidentally our daughter told me the other week that she'd played 'truth or dare' in the playground and she'd chosen 'truth' and said she thought her parents would soon live in different houses. 😭. She's had stomach aches since Christmas and I'm thinking they are anxiety related now. She is an 'only child' and is so observant it's unreal. She is always stuck in the middle of our fights and sometimes struggles, as she wants to comfort me when her dad shouts at me and I cry but then she also loves her daddy and he is amazing with her! 😔

He says we can't go on, as she will only notice how bad we get along more as she gets older. I know he's right but I wanted us to get counseling to help with communication, as he's become so intensely bitter and resentful of me. He critisises me all the time and snaps at nearly everything I say. He's sarcastic, belittling, calls me names... As I say, I cry nearly every day.

But I'm completely dependent on him for my home and I am 40. I am so so screwed!!

He has no plan going forward. Our mortgage is fixed till next August, so we can't sell and split what little we have in the house without a huge penalty.

He might be able to stay and afford bills and mortgage in the mean time but I'd have to move out with nothing but a few possessions. There would be no real space at my parents.

I guess I'm looking for support from those also going through this and those on the other side? Particularly those who where financially dependent on their OH due to low earnings, and what options for any benefits there might be for (god forbid it - a single Mum - sorry but I'm devastated) if I moved in to an 'owned outright' house of my parents, until a plan could come together, which could take a couple of years or more! Help!?

I am sorry you are going through this. It must be truly upsetting.

I have no advice, just sympathy.

You will be ok. It'll be horrible for a while, I won't lie, but then it gets better.

Why can't he move out? Speak to a solicitor about options for you stay in the house at least for a period.

Check out the chump lady website. Lots on people have been through this. Even if not technically cheating, he may have had his head turned.

I would say that you are living in a state of limbo currently and this is what is terrifying you and causing you a lot of stress and illness. You know this has been coming but have been in denial I suspect. I understand your fear and that is reasonable . Everyone who goes through this gets it - you have no idea what your new life will look like at this point. ( This is the second post I have read tonight where I have thought "why did you not get married with children" but I know that is no help to you currently). If he is set on this then you need to discuss with him where he thinks your daughter can live. He doesn't have a plan? He needs to make one with you. Any decent man would offer to continue to help pay the bills until the time comes when you can sell. I would strongly advise you NOT to move into your parents as this takes all responsibility away from him.I would also speak to your doctor and see if you can get something to help with your anxiety attacks which will give you more of a focus and ability to cope with this. For your daughter's sake try to lose the fear and start to address this separation. It is shit. I know that, sorry.

As the primary caregiver you may have rights to remain in the property until your daughter becomes an adult especially as there is abuse and such a long relationship. I would apply for an occupation order at the civil courts in the first instance. Make sure that you have evidence if the abuse. Consult a solicitor or NCDV who can help you find a solicitor and access your free legal aid consultailtion half hour.

I don't understand why it is you and your daughter who have to move out. I mean - who decided that? Would he really force your daughter to move out while he gets to stay in comfort?

You have some difficult times ahead but I'm sure it will get better and you and your daughter will come out of it happier and better off emotionally. All of these night sweats and panic attacks were probably because you weren't facing this impending split. How happy are you on a day to day level with him? Would your daughter be happier without the rows?

It doesn't seem like it now but this is a good forward move and the beginning of a new independent life where you don't have to worry about someone else's reaction all the time.

Go to your parents for support but I agree with previous comments when they say you could apply to the courts to stay in the house for a bit. Also call Womens aid or someone like that to get some perspective on your situation and to see what options are open to you.

It sounds like it will be tough leaving the house that you clearly love but you have to reframe your expectations now and not dwell on the place. It's not really about the house but about the family that live in there. And if he is not making you happy then what is the house really worth?

This is the start of the new you and it's going to be hard but you are going to come out of this feeling safer, more secure, and independent and your D will notice that too.a

Also don't forget he will have to pay maintenance. Just imagine one day getting a cosy flat full of love with you and your daughter instead of dwelling on this big house where you have suffered so much grief.

Twenty years together and a child but no marriage. Are you on the mortgage or is the dream house totally his?
Do you have a retirement plan of your own?
If you are approaching 40 then I assume he is too? He is having his midlife crisis which you and your child will suffer with. You are lucky to still have your parents.

Sorry to hear this op. So you own half the house? If he owns part of all of it, It’s not true unfortunately that you have the right to stay in the property until your daughter is an adult. That’s not true even if you were married. Could your parents help buy him out?

It’s awful to hear your daughter is having stomach aches abs being in the middle of fights. Please don’t involve her in any of it.

Thanks everyone so far! I've just got off the phone with one of my best friends, who phoned me the moment I wrote that I was in 'a bit of a pickle'.

She's talked to me for at least an hour, even though she has work in the morning. She has also just been through a major split with the father of her two young girls (our daughter bestie) and is literally moving into her own mortgaged house next week - 18 months after leaving. She wasn't married either.

She left what most would say was a phenomenal Victorian 5 bed house with a 250ft long garden that we all loved but she said it was full of sadness.

I have to admit I've not been as supportive as I wanted to be the last year, as I've had renovation work going on and she's been in a hot fling with her childhood sweetheart who has just ended it with her 😞.

I told her tonight that I was sorry and just wasn't able to fully deal with what she was doing because I so wanted my relationship to work and almost felt a bit like she'd given up when I know she hadn't. I think she is so brave!

Anyway, she told me I am loved and she will be there with me every step of the way and just to take one day at a time.

Yes I guess being married would have given protection and I always wanted to pre kid, but we just never saw it as a priority as we were 'over' all the 'lovey dovey' stuff.

I can't imagine trying to force my 'staying in this house' as it is his earnings and his work ethic that has got us here, slogging away for years.

Anyway, if he moved out, he has no family he could stay with and he couldn't afford rent, bills and maintenance and I would want him to have full shared custody of our daughter anyway. (God that sounds awful to talk like that about custody). We are a family. I can't think so coldly.

My scalp is stinging a bit again. I'm going to go to bed now - next to him as no option.

I'll check that site. Thanks again! 😔

We are on the mortgage 50:50 btw. My parents couldn't help buy him out and I know for sure I couldn't remortgage this place when it comes up for renewal on my wage. I contribute towards the bills.

I don't want to be unsupportive but I think other posters are being unrealistic talking about you being able to stay in the house long term. It's unlikely in itself but even more unlikely that your DP would be court ordered to pay for it and given you can't afford the house by yourself then it's just a no go from the start.

She is always stuck in the middle of our fights and sometimes struggles, as she wants to comfort me when her dad shouts at me and I cry but then she also loves her daddy and he is amazing with her!

He shouts at her mum in front of her until her mum cries. He's not 'amazing with her' and the fact you think he is makes me think you're numb to the behaviour of an absolute arsehole.

If in the same bed at night time this needs to change. How can you possibly move on if he’s still beside you, make the change yourself and move to a different room in the house, whether it will be a sofa or a different bedroom. This will only give false hope that it might be salvageable on your part.

Although you can’t afford to move out yet, it might be best going to your parents house and saving up to get yourself a place through time. Hopefully your parents are supportive enough and will take you and your daughter back in for the long term. I’ve read people say about staying in the house and not leaving but how does that help your mental health of having to deal with someone abusive, you move out and yes it’s made easy for him in the short term but long term he has to pay all the bills in the house on his own and also pay support for his daughter, this might be easy for him to do as he might earn enough for it all but think about yourself over everything. Don’t just stay to make things more difficult, what you’re going through will be difficult enough without adding more conflict and pressure to the situation.

It’s going to be a very difficult few months ahead but things will improve, who knows having separation from each other might refocus the relationship.
Staying together with someone that isn’t that interested is only damaging the both of you, he will resent you more and go out of his way to find things you do more irritating as a reason to justify why it doesn’t work.

Is this something new with him being hateful and nasty? Is he trying to make you leave? rather than asking you himself so he doesn’t appear to be the bad guy in his daughters eyes? I know you say you’ve no space at your parents but the support you will get from your parents will be better for you and your daughter and it will lighten the load on you.

I myself am going through something similar at the minute but don’t have the guts to end it and leave my partner of 22 years even though it’s not working. Luckily our kids are all grown up.

My heart is with you, @WorldImplosion, truly it is. I know things look bleak right now.
But you need to straighten up and think about what comes next.
If your OH loved you, he wouldn’t verbally abuse you, would he. He sounds like a selfish knob.
My mum had to go to university AND support three kids at the same time. Lots of women do. They don’t have the time to feel sorry for themselves because they’re too busy making sure their kids have food in their tummies and a roof over their heads.
And can’t never did anything — you’ve heard that old saying, right?
I am still so proud of my mum - she was always so worried that she was neglecting us, neglecting her schoolwork, neglecting her job, but she kicked ass at everything AND SO CAN YOU!!!
I know it’s overwhelming right now, but think of your daughter and what wouldn’t you do for her? Your house is just a house —
YOU’RE HER HOME. Wherever you are, that’s home to her. That’s what you need to remember.
Believe in yourself, believe that tomorrow, next week, next month will be so much better because you’re gonna make it better — have faith in yourself.
And you’ll be grand. ❤️

The courts would be looking to do what's in the child's best interests and so hopefully will both parents. You know him better than anyone OP. What will he do? If you actively want him to have 50% he must be a good dad and won't want to turn his daughters life upside down.

It's true that you don't have the same rights without marriage but being together so long, being on the mortgage, being the primary caregiver are all relevant. If you get him on side or there is still trust agreements can be made and you would get further not bringing the abuse into it. I'm not a solicitor but I do recommend doing your own research. My experience with solicitors is this, that they have their areas of expertise and their preferred level of effort and determination and they don't always think of every solution possible or that if they do they will only inform you if it suits them.

So you need a good one. One that cares about representing your needs and doing good in the world and not just an easy life and serving themselves. The only solicitor like that I have managed to get was with the NCDV.

How about a nesting situation. My kids dad and I do a variation on this and the kids are very happy. The kids stay in one home and the parents take turns to stay there with them, then the parents either share a bolthole in-between or have their own homes. It could be that court would not be required at all or at least until she is older.

Your situation is so different to mine was, ias you have a family who will support you, a career, a bit of money and I think you may not need to resort to measures as desperate as mine were, thankfully!

However I always try to help women find ways of not being displaced from their homes as women's aid etc always tell women to leave and really it's the perpetrators that should be leaving and the primary caregivers should be staying!

Good luck OP hope you stay in touch x

So I didn't sleep much and had some awful head burning sensations at the back of my skull in the night but took some ibuprofen and finally got some sleep (next to him).

This morning he got up with DD and has taken her out somewhere and I haven't even seen her. TBH my face is a swollen mess and I'm crying so it's best at this minute and it's not unusual for him to take her to the park etc early.

I have a plasterer coming back tomorrow as our hallway is back to brick and needs sorting out.

The spare single room is stacked with boxes and shit I haven't sorted yet since moving in 19 months ago. I thought I need to do that now and this week whilst I'm off work for Easter. But access will be hard die to plasterer on stairs.

We have no other bed. He won't earn enough to finance anywhere else and help with bills here.

Can you even get any benefits of you are on a mortgage 50:50 but one has moved out? I earn well under 18k a year as pro rata term time only.

He brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning but didn't say anything except that we need to organise our DD birthday present and the party bags for this coming weekend. 😭

The way you've described him in parts...I'm not too sure he actually intends to leave you. I think it might be a headfuck.

I'd get out anyway though. ASAP. Your kid shouldn't live under a roof where she sees her mother being mistreated.

Though I have a feeling if you were to go and pack your bags now and go to your mums with the attitude of 'you're right, it needs doing, my solicitor will be in touch', he would actually start trying to deter you. Because he doesn't want you to be fine with it. Because the whole thing is actually just a scheme to kick you when you are down.

Sorry OP. I would suggest discussing staying in the same house but separated whilst you retrain? If you are serious about it?If it's security for your daughter and the split is reasonably amicable, is this a possibility?

What you don't know yet (and it honestly is a lovely secret waiting for you) is that your life on the other side will be so much nicer. Life is so much nicer when you don't live with someone who dislikes you. You find joy in small things, a smaller house/flat maybe, less material things. But you have control over your own environment and I promise you that's priceless. You are so lucky having your little girl to share your life with. Mine just kept me going! Yes there will be hard and stressful times ahead but in the long game, you are going to have a MUCH happier life. Keep the faith and hang in there!

@inksinkbink

What you don't know yet (and it honestly is a lovely secret waiting for you) is that your life on the other side will be so much nicer. Life is so much nicer when you don't live with someone who dislikes you. You find joy in small things, a smaller house/flat maybe, less material things. But you have control over your own environment and I promise you that's priceless. You are so lucky having your little girl to share your life with. Mine just kept me going! Yes there will be hard and stressful times ahead but in the long game, you are going to have a MUCH happier life. Keep the faith and hang in there!

I'm still married but this was such a lovely post and something I'll hold dear in case the worst happens

@inksinkbink

What you don't know yet (and it honestly is a lovely secret waiting for you) is that your life on the other side will be so much nicer. Life is so much nicer when you don't live with someone who dislikes you. You find joy in small things, a smaller house/flat maybe, less material things. But you have control over your own environment and I promise you that's priceless. You are so lucky having your little girl to share your life with. Mine just kept me going! Yes there will be hard and stressful times ahead but in the long game, you are going to have a MUCH happier life. Keep the faith and hang in there!

This is such a lovely thing to read and I really needed to read it this evening so thank you!

OP my world was turned upside down this weekend and I am terrified. My DD has not grasped that her daddy won't be sleeping at home with us again and it's all pretty shit. He's messaging me right now demanding we put the house on the market. I can't think straight.
It does help knowing there are others in the same position ☹️

There are, and I agree it makes a huge difference.

It's not possible to imagine your life just now but that's because you haven't been able to make choices that only suit you and your child. Once you start doing this, the freedom and joy in doing it grows as you gain confidence and realise you can really do it.

I'm cheering on all of you who find yourselves in this hard, hard bit. You'll get through and you'll be happy. You'll have earned it because you'll have done it for yourself. Stay strong.

Well you sound pretty miserable as a couple and although you talk a lot about your fears about losing your home and your security (and I can see why) nowhere does it feel that, separate to what he can provide, you are sad about losing him. So, difficult as it may be short term, maybe this is for the best?

Thanks for comments all and hope from inksinkink! User606 hugs this is a bloody nightmare isn't it!? 😔

Porcupineintherough I've spent 21 years with him! He is my world and other half! He was my best friend until more recently when everything I did, started to grate on him and he constantly puts me down, often questioning my parenting skills in front of DD, e.g. have you fed her today? Or 'get her off her tablet'! Like it's solely he's not also present but mainly - why can't he just take me aside and discuss what he thinks her needs might be and how we can both meet them! I get so upset from this shaming, as I know it will translate to DD as, we are fighting over having to care for you - you are a burden! 😞 That's the level of toxicity! 😱

He's been separating himself from me for a long time. I've just not wanted to admit it, although I've taunted him during arguments saying 'why on earth are you still with me if you detest everything about me so much?!' But he would never bite. He always said it was the situation at hand, not us.

But now the penny's dropped and clearly what I've said about the effect it is and will start having on our DD's attitude to relationships, has resonated, due of course to our toxic relationship.

Tonight he made out he is the better choice to provide a stable home for DD here. He is able to be the rock she needs... and I half believe him because he's been my rock for the whole of my adult life, since we were 20yrs old at uni together! I've never achieved financial independence! I haven't ever felt with paying much for my contributions, even though I get good feedback from my bosses and colleagues. I hate myself for my failings but have struggled with my confidence for years and thought it was just me who was incapable of so much.

I am not perfect in this at all. What I am is very scared and I can't see the next steps.

Tonight when we got chance to talk after I put DD in bed, he was already yawning and tired. I tried to get him to talk but he had nothing to say. I asked if he had a plan or thoughts? Nope!

I'd spoken to my sister and parents today and gone through the joint and my accounts to record income and expenditure for the last month. It is double what I earn!

Also... It really felt scary but I've suggested he get a bed and make the downstairs dining room a sort of bedsit, as I can't very well continue to have him sleep next to me.

He said 'sure' I'll take the sofa bed from the living room! Said he's not buying a bed. It will be mega uncomfortable medium term I'm thinking but he said it's not my problem and he'll be fine.

What an earth we'll say to DD when she notices, and the builder is here all day tomorrow!