Hi.
I'm writing this as my fiancé and partner of 20yrs/nearly 21yrs, has just given me 'the talk' and told me he is tired of us being unhappy together. That he has made his mind up we have no future. 😞
We have a soon to be 7 yr old DD (next weekend), 2 cats and are living in my dream house (a 3 bed semi with ideal everything. inc squirrels, birds, owls and trees in a South West facing garden.)
This is so surreal because although I ruminate whenever I get a spare second, over what on earth I'd do if either of us every did end it, daily for months; I also don't want this to end and I've even asked for couples counseling for depression through my doctor, but we are on a wait list. (A too late list it seems)
Over the last 3 weeks and particularly since having Covid the other week, I've been having the most horrible anxiety attacks, waking up in a sweat (totally not me), small sharp pains tingly and painful pressure points on my scalp, left of my heart, poor circulation and restless legs, crying all the time. My partner has shown me no sympathy or empathy and hasn't listened to me when I've asked him to about my issues... begged him too even!
There is so much to unravel here, but right now it doesn't feel real and he's gone to bed as says he has to be up at 6am for our DD and I no doubt will sleep in. (I've been ill with low ferritin iron, vitamin d and underactive thyroid) and feeling totally apathetic at the world and fearful over the way he might talk to me that day. (Only ever verbal and emotional but not physical abuse).
Aside from the sheer terror of his revelation tonight, I am not financially independent at all!
I work 5 days a week as a TA in a school but don't earn enough to even rent privately, never mind pay bills!
Basically not only will I lose all my hopes and dreams that we could fix 'us', but we will lose our basic security of our home and I can't afford to live here - just me and our DD.
I will have no choice but to see if my elderly parents will take me and DD in at their 2 bed bungalow.
Which incidentally, is where we all lived for 10 months during and over lockdown 1 of the pandemic, whilst looking for this 'dream house' that I've lovingly decorated, inc. our daughter's room. 😞
I have no chance of increasing my earnings unless I train to be a teacher (I have a degree but in an art discipline) and knowing how unhinged I am likely to be as this horror unfolds, I am going to find it hard enough not to cry at any given moment in the day/night, never mind pursue earning more money and do my job every day!
My partner says there is no one else (I believe him as he's here all the time). He is just tired of all the bickering and us being unhappy all the time and how it's affecting our DD.
Incidentally our daughter told me the other week that she'd played 'truth or dare' in the playground and she'd chosen 'truth' and said she thought her parents would soon live in different houses. 😭. She's had stomach aches since Christmas and I'm thinking they are anxiety related now. She is an 'only child' and is so observant it's unreal. She is always stuck in the middle of our fights and sometimes struggles, as she wants to comfort me when her dad shouts at me and I cry but then she also loves her daddy and he is amazing with her! 😔
He says we can't go on, as she will only notice how bad we get along more as she gets older. I know he's right but I wanted us to get counseling to help with communication, as he's become so intensely bitter and resentful of me. He critisises me all the time and snaps at nearly everything I say. He's sarcastic, belittling, calls me names... As I say, I cry nearly every day.
But I'm completely dependent on him for my home and I am 40. I am so so screwed!!
He has no plan going forward. Our mortgage is fixed till next August, so we can't sell and split what little we have in the house without a huge penalty.
He might be able to stay and afford bills and mortgage in the mean time but I'd have to move out with nothing but a few possessions. There would be no real space at my parents.
I guess I'm looking for support from those also going through this and those on the other side? Particularly those who where financially dependent on their OH due to low earnings, and what options for any benefits there might be for (god forbid it - a single Mum - sorry but I'm devastated) if I moved in to an 'owned outright' house of my parents, until a plan could come together, which could take a couple of years or more! Help!?