I've left a massive c**nt after 3 years. Would love a handhold from some strong women

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I've posted many many times over the last three years (different user names) asking for advice about my abusive dick head ex. I guess I just need someone impartial to keep my head straight about continuing forward without looking back. He put me through hell and back, I feel humiliated since I gave him so many chances, some quite recent. But I've seen the light, I've had enough. A few pointers:

This man -

Sexually abused me and was charged with sexual assault and coercion. He would be in prison had i not withdrew my statement.

I've repeatedly returned home from holidays to find unknown underwear in my laundry basket

He's ripped my clothes clean off me

I left with my children to go to a refuge and he persuaded me to go home. He didn't change.

More recently he's injured me - pushed me 'as a joke' into the bath where I hit my back very hard on the bath rail and was left sore and bruised for nearly 2 week. Pulled a small chunk of my hair out 'as a joke' and asked me what was up with me when I cried. I cried because I'd given him another chance shortly prior to this.

I think I've been conditioned to a point. I'm not sure yet. The last 6 weeks I've found myself (after ending it and saying we would stay friends) saying I think we should make another go. He agreed, but then I seen a dating app on his phone. I completely lost it and sent a message telling him to go F himself. He then shows up at my house (like he does every single time I have ended with him, must be like 20+ times) and somehow it's ME that ended up apologising. He made me feel bad for being flaky and ending our relationship on a whim all the time.

I don't want sympathy, I just need someone to help me through this one last time and help me not get sucked in by his bullshit nonsense. If he ever does get in touch. I start the freedom programme in a couple of weeks which I'm scared of. I am severely damaged in my view of men, I have no trust at all and I'm worried it will make me even more wary. I just want to be happy one day. Not yet, but one day.

I'm ok, I'm feeling strong but this man has a way of getting inside my head and I really don't want to turn back again, im getting stronger but I've spent 3 years in a complete fuck up of a relationship.

I guess I need a handhold if anyone is willing.

You haven't just been poorly treated. That's an understatement. you've been abused by a man who is a danger to be around and who has no respect for you.

I think the first step is recognising why you keep going back. I would say that you clearly want to believe him. You are heavily invested in the man you want him to be, rather than the man he actually is.

What do you think he provides that no one else can? Why don't you think you can get that from someone else, or from yourself?

Focus on your children as well. I really don't think they're safe around him. If they don't do already, they will grow to resent him over time and he is a negative role model for them. Please don't let their narrative be 'My mum was really abused but she kept going back to him time & time again'.

Just popping in to say hello and that you're being thought of this evening. I really hope he wasn't there when you went home, or if he was you contacted the police.

Stay strong

@EarthSight

You haven't just been poorly treated. That's an understatement. you've been abused by a man who is a danger to be around and who has no respect for you.

I think the first step is recognising why you keep going back. I would say that you clearly want to believe him. You are heavily invested in the man you want him to be, rather than the man he actually is.

What do you think he provides that no one else can? Why don't you think you can get that from someone else, or from yourself?

Focus on your children as well. I really don't think they're safe around him. If they don't do already, they will grow to resent him over time and he is a negative role model for them. Please don't let their narrative be 'My mum was really abused but she kept going back to him time & time again'.

Wow you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. I've been trying to work out why I've put up with it and why I've not felt able to leave. You've given me food for thought, so Thankyou.

Update - multiple calls, messages and I have a feeling he's on his way to my house as we speak. This is what he does. I replied to a message basically saying he's treated me disgustingly and that he's fucked it for himself and that I am no longer interested. Cue constant calls which means he's on his way and calling in the car. I read him like a book.

However hard it is, please block him. Every time you respond you're signalling to him that if he harasses you enough he will get a reaction.

This is exactly what he wants.

Do not listen, do not open the door.
Turn the lights off, double bolt the foor. Iggnore

@MzHz

Tbf *@CandyLeBonBon (and @LostLama for that matter), @sundaymondayhappydayss* used TWO asterisks in the C word

That could have been Count… he could be nobility 🤣😂🤣😂

😂

Why are you still replying to messages from him? I can't understand why you haven't blocked him, beggars belief

Apart from all the other good reasons to never, ever go back to your ex, are you not just exhausted from all the physical abuse and mind games. I'm not going to pretend I understand your relationship because I have finished with men for just raising their voices and swearing at me, especially in my own home, because I have always been very clear from a young age that my home should be my sanctuary.

Life is hard enough as it is, but we should all be able to go home and shut the door on the crap outside. It sounds as though you've never known this and I'm sorry because you don't know what you are missing. The peace and tranquillity of not living with an abuser is worth millions, I promise you it is priceless, for you and your poor kids. You need to focus on getting through one hour, one day at a time, like an addict, because it seems to me you are addicted to the man and the drama because I suspect you have never known any different. If you can't convince yourself that you will have a better life without him, then please for the love of god put your kids first this time and don't drag them back with you.

Just stay away from the physcopath, it is NOT normal to live this way or want to live this way and you have got to break the addiction for you and especially for your kids. There will be something so much better on the other side I promise you. Please be brave and don't go back.

You are not keeping your kids safe whilst engaging with him. All your post are about him, there doesn’t seem to be any consideration for the children's welfare anywhere in your posts. Block him and if he turns up you should call the police.

If he turns up please phone the police.
Don't get sucked in by him again.
Start thinking of your children.

@LostLama @2Gen

Well cunt on a fucking cross you won't like my fucking cunting language, then.

Off you fuck. Take the OP's fucking cunting cunt of a cunt with you. Don't let the cunting fucking cunt door hit your cunting arse on the fucking way out.

Peace!

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and courage

Hi @sundaymondayhappydayss

Sadly I have been in your exact position and a few things in your posts stand out to me that I wanted to point out…

he/you agree to be friends. He isn’t your friend. Friends don’t hurt each other and this is his way to stay in touch and continue to control you and hurt you. He will have opinions on everything you do, who you are friends with, main that you aren’t seeing him enough and are a bad friend. I tried this after leaving an abuser mistakenly thinking it was the right thing to do. He falsely told me he had a brain tumour and wanted us to stay friends as he really needed my support! Absolute crap, he wanted me close to control all my time, prevent new relationships and know exactly what I was doing.

you do not owe him any relationship

secondly you are replying to text and inviting him round!!! I understand why you did. It’s because you have been so trained and are so fearful of him but you have to stop.

you must

block him - who cares if he comes round causing a fuss, call the police. You are absolutely within your rights to block anyone you wish for any reason but the reasons given by you are more than enough. Again he wants the control of being able to message, affect your day etc. you must block him by email, phone etc send 1 last messaging saying never to contact you by any means again else you will call the police.

id also have a think as to why you dropped the charges, were you coerced by him to??? Reinstate them if you can.

you are still in the abusive relationship, you haven’t left yet as you are interacting with him. You must cut him dead in order to truly escape.

instarted by reading a book called The Dominator (linked to the freedom prog I believe) and I’m so glad I did. Seeing my abuser written into each page made me realise all he did and how bad it was and it validated for me how I was ‘right’ to stop this and that he was manipulating me all the time. Also watch YouTube, there are a lot of survivor stories, interesting articles on narcissticc abuse (which it sounds like he does) and sexual abuse and coercive control. Also look up trauma bonding, it may explain why you allow him contact. Knowledge is power so you see him and what he’s doing for what he really is.

educate yourself quickly, even before your freedom program and ask for womens aid support again. Do not go back. Make a happy life for yourself and do all you can to enjoy it.

but first you must never ever contact him again and block all means to do so