I've left a massive c**nt after 3 years. Would love a handhold from some strong women

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I've posted many many times over the last three years (different user names) asking for advice about my abusive dick head ex. I guess I just need someone impartial to keep my head straight about continuing forward without looking back. He put me through hell and back, I feel humiliated since I gave him so many chances, some quite recent. But I've seen the light, I've had enough. A few pointers:

This man -

Sexually abused me and was charged with sexual assault and coercion. He would be in prison had i not withdrew my statement.

I've repeatedly returned home from holidays to find unknown underwear in my laundry basket

He's ripped my clothes clean off me

I left with my children to go to a refuge and he persuaded me to go home. He didn't change.

More recently he's injured me - pushed me 'as a joke' into the bath where I hit my back very hard on the bath rail and was left sore and bruised for nearly 2 week. Pulled a small chunk of my hair out 'as a joke' and asked me what was up with me when I cried. I cried because I'd given him another chance shortly prior to this.

I think I've been conditioned to a point. I'm not sure yet. The last 6 weeks I've found myself (after ending it and saying we would stay friends) saying I think we should make another go. He agreed, but then I seen a dating app on his phone. I completely lost it and sent a message telling him to go F himself. He then shows up at my house (like he does every single time I have ended with him, must be like 20+ times) and somehow it's ME that ended up apologising. He made me feel bad for being flaky and ending our relationship on a whim all the time.

I don't want sympathy, I just need someone to help me through this one last time and help me not get sucked in by his bullshit nonsense. If he ever does get in touch. I start the freedom programme in a couple of weeks which I'm scared of. I am severely damaged in my view of men, I have no trust at all and I'm worried it will make me even more wary. I just want to be happy one day. Not yet, but one day.

I'm ok, I'm feeling strong but this man has a way of getting inside my head and I really don't want to turn back again, im getting stronger but I've spent 3 years in a complete fuck up of a relationship.

I guess I need a handhold if anyone is willing.

It’s not nice to think of but if this is how traumatised you are IMAGINE what emotional trauma your children have gone through. Use that as motivation. You can do this. ❤️

@LostLama

Why use such vile language in your headline post OP? Other people are sensitive you know and don’t appreciate this kind of language being spat at them. Even if they really want to help. So crude and unnecessary. Have some sensitivity about others’ feelings.

I don't like the word either and I hate the taking of Christ's name in vain even more but I would never give out to a poster about it, especially one in such a fragile state as the OP is right now. I really do understand and share your feelings on the word but she needs lifting up now, not being told off. That foul man has done enough damage to her self-worth as it is and he's done much worse to her than curse and swear at her. Please be sensitive to her and have some compassion. There's a time and place and now's not the time!

@LostLama

Why use such vile language in your headline post OP? Other people are sensitive you know and don’t appreciate this kind of language being spat at them. Even if they really want to help. So crude and unnecessary. Have some sensitivity about others’ feelings.

That's what you take from the OP's post?

She's suffered horribly from abuse and you object to her language?

Might I suggest you take your smelling salts, go and lie down on your chaise longue and clutch your pearls to your heaving bosom whilst you regain your strength

Strewth!

You are doing so well after being made to endure such vile treatment OP, so give yourself a little treat, a pat on the back or go to a mirror and tell yourself how strong you are and how you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and to be cherished and that worm does NOT deserve someone as good as you! Keep doing this until you believe it!
Positive self-talk is vital to you right now! Stop any self-blame or criticism by just telling yourself "STOP"! Keep doing it; it works!
Instead of ruminating over him being all cosy with AW, get rid of the thoughts by giving your head a little shake and telling yourself "STOP"!
If you must, just remind yourself that he would soon be giving her the dog's life he gave you and send her your mental pity!
As for him, remember there is something deeply wrong with him. He will never know true love nor happiness. Anything good he will always ruin! He will leave a trail of destruction in his wake, which you are Fortunate enough to have survived and get away from! Focus all your love on your DC, yourself and others who actually do care about you. If you have faith, pray and draw closer to God.
You're young, you have made the major break, keep going forward and one day you'll realise you haven't even thought about him all day, then for weeks and then you'll barely think of him at all. When you do, you'll feel nothing but relief you got away!
All the best OP and a hug!

Yes, 12 weeks, but to Freedom, understanding why, & not falling for it another time.
Knowing he is a loser & he will no longer destroy your life
No longer dying, or being permanently injured.
Having the chance to find a decent normal caring partner
Block him & delete his number
Block him on email
Block him on social media.
Change the lock & put a dead bolt on the inside.
Do not open the door, put a big sign to this affect on the back of the door, do not speak or acknowledge his presence, if he hammers on the door, call the police, tell them he is aggressive & has previously aggressed you.

Thankyou all for the messages, they're making me really emotional.

I hadn't thought to block him actually, probably because the last time he turned up here was to make me think I was in the wrong for blocking him, so somehow I feel like it would somehow make me look in the wrong again to block. That being said, I haven't heard from him in 5 days. After he turned up to confront me about blocking him, I stupidly sent a message saying he could come to my house (previously our house until about 6 months ago) after he'd finished at the shops. He ignored me and I haven't heard from him since.

So I almost feel like he came here to make me feel like I was in the wrong, to give himself some sort of affirmation that him cheating was the right thing to do.

It's a head fuck for sure

Block him everywhere.
Tidy the house and remove everything that’s his, EVERYTHING, put it in a black bin liner and take it to the bin outside. Then take stock with a cuppa.
Every morning and evening think of 3 things you’re grateful for.
You’ve got this!

YOU my love are a VERY strong woman.

We know what that took to leave him, to choose to leave and stay gone

This is the beginning of your journey to a better life.

Be proud of yourself! We’re all super thrilled and proud for you!

Why do you care about what he thinks? You know you are not wrong. The freedom prog. will help you come out of the FOG, (Fear Obligation Guilt)
Any further interaction with him will only put you in danger , He will most likely turn up again, when he wants to get back into his comfortable bullying life, or is drunk or drugged up, or just enjoy the power he has over you.
Do this now, do it for the last time

sundaymondayhappydayss

Just sending a hug to you this morning.

How was your night? Are you sleeping ok?

What have you got planned for today?

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

This might help to explain why it's hard to leave even when someone's abusive.

You need to get as much support as possible to help you to resist this man. When you look back at this relationship, you'll wonder why you stayed this long, but it feels very different when you're in it.

It will be easier to resist him when you have other things in your life. Better people, activities he discouraged you from doing, greater self esteem etc. It's all a bit of a vacuum at the moment, which makes it harder to resist him. Can you keep yourself busier, have other people you can contact when you have an urge to contact him etc. It's a bit like having an addiction, until you have more control over it, it's a good idea to replace it with healthier activities.

I'm doing ok, not sleeping great though!

He's tried to call me this morning, I've ignored it. I'm guessing he will turn up here after work. How he has the nerve I don't know

Just block him, who gives a fuck about his feelings, he doesn't give a fuck about yours!

You get to call him EXACTLY want you want to OP. For those who are offended, can clear off as they are not in your shoes. I have called my ex worse things, and I do not regret it. You have to express yourself and good for you.

And well done for taking this massive step. You cannot expect to be in complete control straight away, so its baby steps for now. And that is ok. First step is to cut contact with him though. It is very difficult to try to start moving on if he is in your face all the time.

So, perhaps with setting some boundries. Do not open the door. Tell him not to contact you. Block him (if you can as not sure of your dc situation and finances).

Wrt him sauntering on. Yes, he will and there are a lot of people that feel the same way as you. It doesn't seem fair does it? I felt this way too, and all I can say there is that over time, it gets easier. But how I look at it is, now he is someone else's problem. I even wanted to go as far as warn the OW what he is really like. But I didn't and she will find out on her own. I am all for supporting woman, and, so much so I even wanted to prepare her after everything she had done to me. Then one day, just like a lightning bolt, I thought to myself wtf are you doing...........its her life, she wanted this. And things aren't good there, even though they make out life is bliss. But the point is, that now he isn't your problem. You are, you need to look out for you now. Fuck him and how he carries on in life.

You can do this OP and you will. You have come to realise the situation as it is now, and this is a massive step.

You are strong too, although you don't feel that way right now. But you are!

I hope you are planning to be out this evening? Don't put yourself in the vulnerable position of having to deal with him.

Well done on not answering the call though. Is there a reason why you are not blocking him?

To be honest, I can't think of a word that accurately describes what I think of him currently, so Cunt had to do, the cuntiest of all cunts.

I am going to be out, depends if he waits outside, I have to come home at some point!

@sundaymondayhappydayss

What gets me is that he's just going to saunter off into his new life with god knows who and leave me in his path, hurt, damaged and having to spend 12 weeks on a programme that will help me come to terms with how he broke me down. Seems so unjust!

Actually, as to this op - he is always going to be an abusive psychopath. He will never know what it is like to love someone. His sort are never happy for long because they are constantly jealous of other people. Most of all because other people have the capability of creating our own peace and happiness from within.

You will learn from your experiences and with time and study, begin to be able to identify similarly evil people and keep them from your life. You will grow and thrive. Where as his existence will always be hollow and neverendingly parasitic.

Keep learning throughout your life how to spot these sorts. 10 years from now, you might even be glad in some ways you met him, because 3 years with him helped put you on a path to avoid 30 years with someone similar.

You're doing brilliantly op.
Don't let him harass you. I suspect this one might need the police to tell him to leave you alone by the sounds of things. Hopefully not. But that's what they are there for if you need them!

A male friend once gave me a great piece of advice, stop polishing the turd. It's bumpy on the other side but if you put a fraction of the energy into yourself that you've been putting into fixing him you are going to be just fine. As for his new life it will be all shiny until the mask slips, then it will be exactly like his old one. You on the hand have got a chance to be happy and safe. He will never be happy as he's an abuser and they are empty inside.

@LostLama

Why use such vile language in your headline post OP? Other people are sensitive you know and don’t appreciate this kind of language being spat at them. Even if they really want to help. So crude and unnecessary. Have some sensitivity about others’ feelings.

Oh ffs. Really?

Yes. The OP's ex IS a cunt. And she's allowed to use whatever language she chooses to describe HER abusive ex partner. you don't have to like it, it you don't get to police the way SHE chooses to talk about a person who has caused her a great deal of harm.

He's a CUNT.

If you don't like it, Netmums is that way>>>

How did he manage to call you, have you blocked him? How old are your children?

Tbf @CandyLeBonBon (and @LostLama for that matter), @sundaymondayhappydayss used TWO asterisks in the C word

That could have been Count… he could be nobility 🤣😂🤣😂

The BEST thing is when you find you have moved on & nobody is hurting you, calling you names, ripping out chunks of your hair etc... anymore.

He'll never ever change & you'll never ever be happy with him in your life.
Stop answering the door when he knocks - you don't owe him a thing.
If he tries to get in by breaking in, phone the police & stick to it.

Block him everywhere.

If he saunters off to his new life & you are not in it, then that is a good thing for you.
Your best 'revenge' is to live a good life that makes you happy.
It's not something he can do because he is a cruel & abusive bully & he'll take that into the pit of a life he creates.

This is not a man you can be friends with, just think of the things he has done to you.
None of them are things a friend would do.

You are worth far more than this creepy bully so stop making time in your life for him.
He was a mistake.
You made a mistake.
Now, you need to move on & not make the same mistake again.

You can do it.

@LostLama

Why use such vile language in your headline post OP? Other people are sensitive you know and don’t appreciate this kind of language being spat at them. Even if they really want to help. So crude and unnecessary. Have some sensitivity about others’ feelings.

The OP is struggling and needs help, not an attack. If you don't like the content of a thread then report to MN, don't have a go at the OP.

Firstly, we'll done. You're not alone, you truly are not. I've been there, in an abusive relafor a long time. Eventually I ended it, he made my life very difficult and I didn't immediately file for divorce because I was still blaming myself and had the effects of an abusive relationship. My advice to anyone now, if helpful is get a lawyer that knows what they are doing, preferably a woman. Limit contact with your children as much as possible, being with someone abusive is not good for them either. You CAN do this, get support from charities, organisations, anywhere you can. Stay focused, it will take time to feel like your old self but you will. My children are adults now and feel very let down by him but both are happy and successful. I'm in a really brilliant relationship and now I can't believe I ever tolerated what I did. You can do this, keep going.

What a strong woman you are OP, you should feel so proud of yourself, you’ve done the best thing for you and your DC.