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Relationships

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Original poster

Hubby personal hygiene concerns

54 replies

RacLou82 · 17/04/2022 23:07

So I have noticed more and more recently my husband has stopped taking care of himself like he used to. I haven't noticed any body odour, and he does shower and changes underwear every day. But I see him put the same t-shirt and jeans on for several days at a time, sometimes puts the same socks back on straight after his shower so he gets 2 days wear from them. It hasn't concerned me too much when it's a busy week night with our kids, work etc. However we just came back from a romantic long weekend away in a hotel for our anniversary and he wore the same clothes for 3 days, and into our evenings out too. I'm ashamed to say it really put me off as we have always been very keen on cleanliness, am I being shallow for feeling this way? I had my hair done, spray tan, nails, new lingerie and wore a nice dresses for our evening meals. It does bother me that he is not putting some kind of effort in when he have date nights like these. He has stopped getting his hair cut, or wearing a smart shirt, aftershave etc. Am I expecting too much? If not, should I broach the subject with him, or just let it go and accept this is the way he is now? We have been together almost 17 years, this behaviour is unusual for him and only became obvious to me about a year ago.

OP posts:

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:16

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Her partner didn’t change his clothes for three days. If you think not liking that is ‘superficial’, then standing downwind of you is probably quite unpleasant

Why would you presume that? I shower and change clothes daily BUT if someone is showering daily which OPs husband is and changing underwear ( she didn't clarify this point) wearing trousers for 3 days will not make someone stink.

Talking about your husband's balding head and him not styling his hair to her like IS superficial.

I would assume that because you seem determined to downplay this man bit changing his clothes (not just his trousers) for multiple days. People sweat and shed skin cells. Not changing your shirt and rewearing your socks is poor hygiene. And it’s disgusting. Stating that is not ‘superficial’.

OP said His hair looks unruly and oily, he no longer brushes or styles the sticking up parts around the sides of his thinning part. It's not an easy subject to bring up with him as it's sensitive and I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him think his hair loss bothers me

She’s not complaining about him balding, she specifically doesn’t want him to think that bothers her. What does bother her, is that his hair is oily and he no longer bothers to brush it - which is minimal effort that even small children can make to be presentable. Again, not superficial.

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:17

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

If he's not changing his underwear/ socks, now that is revolting and I'd be the first to say he's a grubby git.

It’s literally in the OP that he’s not changing his socks.

Mirrorball2022 · 18/04/2022 12:18

Clothes can be worn more than once. Tbh it doesn’t sound a hygiene issue, he isn’t making the effort in his appearance that he used and to that seems to be the OPs problem. He sounds clean just not as interested in what he is wearing or how he has his hair.
Maybe he is ageing and is changing how he views his own self, lockdowns had an impact on how some view appearance/style etc.
Possibility he could be depressed/checking out of the relationship too

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:20

@Mirrorball2022

Clothes can be worn more than once. Tbh it doesn’t sound a hygiene issue, he isn’t making the effort in his appearance that he used and to that seems to be the OPs problem. He sounds clean just not as interested in what he is wearing or how he has his hair. Maybe he is ageing and is changing how he views his own self, lockdowns had an impact on how some view appearance/style etc. Possibility he could be depressed/checking out of the relationship too

You think wearing socks multiple times isn’t a hygiene issue?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/04/2022 12:32

He changes his underwear, doesn't smell as he showers every day so the only issue is wearing his socks for two days?

"Oi dh,why are you wearing your socks for a second day, put some clean ones on!"

Sorted

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:34

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

RacLou82 · 18/04/2022 12:34

@Jewel1968
It bothers me because yes the clothes are not visibly dirty or stained but sweaty after wearing it all day. Then he is showering ready for going out in the evening, putting back on his sweaty t-shirt and the same socks. To me the whole point of showering is to be fresh and part of the process is putting on new set of clothes. Maybe it's OK if staying at home working but not if you are going out for dinner with your wife.

OP posts:

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:36

[quote RacLou82]@Jewel1968
It bothers me because yes the clothes are not visibly dirty or stained but sweaty after wearing it all day. Then he is showering ready for going out in the evening, putting back on his sweaty t-shirt and the same socks. To me the whole point of showering is to be fresh and part of the process is putting on new set of clothes. Maybe it's OK if staying at home working but not if you are going out for dinner with your wife.[/quote]
So, talk to him.

EvenPhilip · 18/04/2022 12:37

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

You're coming across as quite superficial OP.

It's superficial to want your partner to change his socks daily? Ffs

Tulipsandviolets · 18/04/2022 12:42

Sounds like he can't be bothered and is just being lazy

Jewel1968 · 18/04/2022 12:42

It's interesting that you say there is no odour which would suggest what he is doing is ok in terms of hygiene. Am surprised his socks/feet don't smell but I guess some people are less sweaty/ smelly than others. You are going to have to speak to him if it really bothers you but I would try and frame it positively e.g. I notice you aren't changing your clothes as often as you used to. Is that because you are worried about the environment?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/04/2022 12:50

This is why I think you’re probably stinky

You can think what you like, doesn't make it true.

ValerieCupcake · 18/04/2022 12:50

Ugh his socks must stink.

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 13:06

Why haven’t you mentioned it?

Why did you break up and are the issues resolved?

chickenninja · 18/04/2022 13:36

I don't understand why don't pull him up on it. He's just had a shower and puts the same clothes back on, just ask what he's doing! Or say your hair looks a bit scruffy today?

Why do you honestly think he's doing it? Depression? He doesn't want to make an effort with the relationship? He wants to put you off him so you leave? He's doesn't want to use the washing machine?

houseonthehill · 18/04/2022 14:38

From what you describe, there is no hygiene problem here. Anyone could do the same, unless they are particularly sweaty / malodorous, if they chose to. It sounds more like you want him to 'make more of an effort' for you. And that's ok as a desire, but that's all it is

HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 15:01

That would really bother me OP. You aren’t being in the least superficial. It’s just not very nice and I would say something as gently as possible.

Different if he’d always been like this but he wasn’t and that’s not what you signed up for.

GreyCarpet · 18/04/2022 15:34

Tbh, that all sounds fine to me. My boyfriend is similar - although would always put clean socks/underwear on after a shower.

Could it he that he alwaysade the extra effort for you because it was important to you and that is what has changed?

Without being goady, I'd rather be with someone who wasnlile that than someone who puts the 'effort' in that you describe for yourself. Spray tans and fake nails, etc (or the male equivalent) leave me cold tbh.

It doesn't sound as though he is depressed or dpng it specifically to put you off. Maybe more just that he is taking a more relaxed approach?

GreyCarpet · 18/04/2022 15:36

Tbh, I'll often have a shower and put the same dress back on to go out in the evening. I'd also wear the same dress 3 times without washing it if it wasn't actually dirty.

HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 16:39

@GreyCarpet

Tbh, that all sounds fine to me. My boyfriend is similar - although would always put clean socks/underwear on after a shower.

Could it he that he alwaysade the extra effort for you because it was important to you and that is what has changed?

It doesn't sound as though he is depressed or dpng it specifically to put you off. Maybe more just that he is taking a more relaxed approach?

Then he’s not similar is he - because he puts on clean clothes after a shower??!! 🤯🤯

GreyCarpet · 18/04/2022 17:30

That's why I said 'similar' and not the same...

The OP is complaining he puts the same clothes (jeans and t shirt) on after his shower. My boyfriend does that. He will (usually) put clean underwear on but not always.

She was also complaining that he wears the ae.clothes for 2 or 3 days. Don't most people? Or at least 2 or 3 days wear put of them? Esp if they're not actually dirty.

If the OP's partner doesn't smell unclean then there isn't actually an issue with his personal hygiene. He isn't Doherty. He kept isn't doing things the way she would like. Which is different.

EvenPhilip · 18/04/2022 17:38

Do most people wear clothes for 2 or 3 days? I don't know.
I don't , but I don't know if that's normal or not.
It's not something I'd like personally.

Original poster

RacLou82 · 18/04/2022 18:51

@Hausa

If something your partner is doing bothers you, then talk to them. I am always baffled by this inability to have a straightforward conversation that appears to plague so many people.

@hausa Yes I see what you are saying, it does seem straightforward when put like that, except it doesn't feel easy at all to me to start the conversation. It's a topic that could easily make me sound critical of his appearance, which could be hurtful to the other person.

OP posts:

Original poster

RacLou82 · 19/04/2022 19:04

@ThisisMax

Ummm, having read your last post above its clear you place greater value on 'presentableness' and 'neatness'. It sounds like he has lost interest in the relationship and in himself. I still say low level depression. What age are you both? Are you sexually active? Would you say you are both fulfilled by the relationship? Why did you decide to split and more importantly why did you decide to give it another go?

I am approaching 40 and he is 41. We have struggled in the relationship for the past 4 years, barely any intimacy or conversation, his demanding job and the stresses of daily life and parenting took over. He lost interest in sex completely and I felt neglected. Then covid led to him working from home, and the cracks in the relationship just got too big to ignore. But after a while we started to miss each other and still loved each other and decided it was worth starting again. We are on a waiting list for relationship counselling as still things to work through. Our sex life is slowly starting to get back on track he says he can't bear to lose me and wants to make me feel special again. So the weekend away meant a lot to me and felt a big deal for both of us, our first weekend away from the kids in years. Hence the effort I put in to look and feel my best. Regarding depression I have suspected this as an ongoing issue and the reason behind his lost libido. But he won't discuss the possibility or see a doctor, he just says he is fine and changes the subject, and in many ways he does function well. He has never been one to discuss how he feels it makes him uncomfortable but I keep trying to get him to open up.

OP posts:

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