Sensitive content - should I tell the ow DH?

[Totellorkeepquiet]

Ex DH had a long affair with colleague. I discovered this 6 months ago and told OW’s DH. She lied and minimised, admitting to minimum that could be “proven”.. He didn’t want any details and chose to go with her narrative. No contact since.

DH and I tried to reconcile - long marriage, kids involved. I was told had been given all truth. Looking at bank statements for remortgage, queried large withdrawal back from when they were “together”. It came out that OW claimed to have fallen pregnant and asked Ex DH to pay for termination. He didn’t see any evidence of her being pregnant but also zero reason to doubt. She said she went privately so as to avoid being on NHS record.

Total deal breaker for me. Marriage beyond saving, the hiding from me being the worst. Question is do I tell her DH? Assuming she will deny anyway. Argument is leave them be but if were, I’d want to know if I were him so as to make a decision or something so momentous.

Thank you for listening and not judging.

Keep out of their lives, no good will come of it and you'll look vindictive. I'm sorry you are in a horrible situation but focus on yourself and your children and move on to a better life.

Private treatment is still recorded on nhs records as far as I know. That aside no I wouldn’t tell him, there was no proof and he’s likely to ignore it anyway because she will deny it

Sounds like he doesnt want to believe so you will be wasting your breath

No.
I remember your last post, and her DH obviously chose to believe her lies. I agree that you’ll look vindictive.
Strike a line under it and move on. Don’t give it another thought, push it away when it comes to mind.

Sounds more like she scammed your dh and was never pregnant. Medical treatment paid privately still goes on your NHS record - this is essential for joined up care.

I wouldn't tell her dh - he's chosen to believe her narrative so far, she'll bullshit him again and he'll choose to stick his head in the sand again. And you'll be left more angry and frustrated.

I think it’s time to move on op and stop thinking of trying to get at her like this. Your husband cheated, your marriage is over. They can do as they please. You don’t need to keep getting invovled.

Thanks all. Good advice as always.

I should be happy I know I guess so I can move on. Better that than a life of doubt, which I assume he may always have.

Life is so bloody hard sometimes isn’t it.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Sounds more like she scammed your dh and was never pregnant. Medical treatment paid privately still goes on your NHS record - this is essential for joined up care.

I wouldn't tell her dh - he's chosen to believe her narrative so far, she'll bullshit him again and he'll choose to stick his head in the sand again. And you'll be left more angry and frustrated.

I doubt she scammed him, it was a long affair, she might not have understood about nhs records etc, I’m fairly sure if she asked him for money he’d just have given her it, no need to scam.

Would you say your are more angry with her or with your husband ?

@Rosebuud may not come across this way but genuinely this is not to “get at her”. It is because I truly believe if I was him, I’d want to know. Wasn’t a minor addition like oh they also did XYZ. Was a pretty big life event.

Totally get she has no affiliation to me and was my DH that cheated on me.

No. You've told him once. He made his decision.

It sounds like you'd just be doing this reactively ( in that if you're going through this shit then she deserves to be "punished" and go through more crap too).

Seriously, don't bother. This is awful for you and you need to spend time on looking after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

@GeneLovesJezebel both is the honest answer but have gotten over her to the extent I can focus on DH being my issue not her. Counselling has helped so much.

@DropYourSword I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Absolutely not.

He’s been clear he doesn’t want to know., I know you are in pain but passing it on won’t make you feel any better and may make others feel worse.

I hope you can keep moving forward.

I wouldn't bother, he isn't going to leave her.

Get on with your life and don't waste more time on them.

Perish that she should have terminated their affair baby on the NHS . . . 🙄

I wouldn't do it because it sounds like he's made his decision - NOT, by the way, that he doesn't believe you; I think he does and I think he'd believe this as well, deep down - so what's the point?

I feel for you so deeply, OP. What a fucking crew.

I actually feel like her medical history is none of your business and certainly not right for a 3rd party to pass on to another 3rd party.

That being said, I really feel for you in the situation you are in.

You did the right thing by telling him when you first found out, your job is done in that respect. It's up to him how he deals with it going forward, leave them to their own devices

OP sorry but I’d say you’ve been spun a line here. Of course going private doesn’t mean something doesn’t go in your medical records visible by NHS.

Something is not right with the story he’s given there.

I did wonder and thought maybe was because she gave a false name?!

Either way. I think you are all right - he would probably right me off as some vindictive banshee and not listen.

Really sorry you are going through this OP. I can imagine it's very hard, but I wouldn't question anything else you notice. They cheat and lie and you'll never know what the truth is. OH doesn't want to know - you've done your bit. Wishing you a happier future.

No leave them to it.
You chose to forgive your dh once, the dh is doing the same.

'OP sorry but I’d say you’ve been spun a line here. Of course going private doesn’t mean something doesn’t go in your medical records visible by NHS.'

Hard to see what kind of grift it might be on the husband's part. If I queried a large sum of money being given by my husband to his OW, I'd rather find it was for almost anything else - from a handbag to car repairs - than for aborting his baby.

He didn’t want any details and chose to go with her narrative. No contact since.

I really think you need to respect his last conversation with you and leave him alone.

No good can come from getting back involved with the situation.

You've done well to move on to the extent you have and it's great therapy has helped you lots.

To start another round of drama, while I understand your anger, would risk setting you back hugely.

I would doubt if he told you the truth and she told him the truth.
Maybe she wanted some cash and the termination was a lie?
Maybe he gave her money for some other reason altogether?

Also, I am not so sure that a private termination is recorded with a GP.
It's a confidential service and I don't think they are under any obligation to inform a woman's GP unless she consents. Most private health works that way- the patient gives permission as to who knows what.

In any case, I'd move on.

You don't know the truth and it's not your place to spread gossip although I am sorry you had to go through it all.