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Original poster

OH "advising me about the gym" low self esteem

28 replies

Felix0204 · 17/04/2022 12:27

I've lost quite a lot of weight I need to go the gym to improve my fitness and tone up a bit . I will also need a tummy tuck and breast lift at some point but I need to save the money first.

I've never felt good enough for my OH he has always been a gym bunny apart from the last two-three years where he has started to let it slide also has a history of watching porn , Instagram "fitness models" in the past. After I lost the baby weight after I had DD quite a while ago he said " you need to go the gym to tone up". He keeps telling me about what exercises to do , to achieve a certain look. I've never asked him for advice as he's hyper critical and I feel like whatever I do it won't be good enough. We have just had an almighty row I cried and told him to shut up , I don't want his advice or his critique. I just want to be a bit fitter he's started saying "why are you so mental, I'm only trying to help you improve"

Other than this the relationship is good, I just get very triggered when he mentions gym advice . My self esteem has been improving I look better than I have done in years but his comments bring it crashing down.

OP posts:
TheyAreMinerals · 17/04/2022 12:33

Your husband should love and accept you as you are. His comments are totally unsupportive. He sounds dumb, mean and shallow. You don't owe it to him to look a certain way. And don't tie yourself self-esteem to your looks, they don't matter.

Belkell · 17/04/2022 12:35

Other than this the relationship is good

But this isn’t tiny. He’s destroying your self esteem. The row about exercises is the tip of a nasty festering boil.

layladomino · 17/04/2022 12:45

If you have told him you don't want his advice and he makes you feel bad, and he continues doing it, then he's trampling over your needs and feelings, and hurting you intentionally.

A partner should build you up, not bring you down.

He is either pig-headed and arrogant and doesn't listen to you, or he is upsetting you on purpose.

Pinkbonbon · 17/04/2022 12:49

'Other than that...'

Other than him completely trashing your self esteem you mean.

Fs op, you still have some weight to lose - about 15 stone of it - him.

I mean the fitness model stuff is grim too.

Funny how he chooses whe Ln you are feeling good about yourself to whip the carpet out from under you isn't it. That's what bullies do.

And also,gaslightinvlg you when you call him out on it.

Sorry op but nothing you do will ever be good enough because he doesn't want you to feel worthy.

He is a sad little man.
Drop him like hot coal and go find your happiness.

Pinkbonbon · 17/04/2022 12:50

*gaslighting

EarthSight · 17/04/2022 13:55

Some of this is so bad it's laughable.

After I lost the baby weight after I had DD quite a while ago he said " you need to go the gym to tone up

What an absolute charmer!

"why are you so mental, I'm only trying to help you improve"

He's not trying to help you to be healthy OP. I think he's trying to get you to look like those Instagram models for his own benefit.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 17/04/2022 13:56

He sounds awful!

lilkiki · 17/04/2022 13:57

I’m not sure how he makes you feel is what I would consider healthy communication in a relationship

Original poster
Felix0204 · 17/04/2022 14:19

@EarthSight

Some of this is so bad it's laughable.

After I lost the baby weight after I had DD quite a while ago he said " you need to go the gym to tone up

What an absolute charmer!

"why are you so mental, I'm only trying to help you improve"

He's not trying to help you to be healthy OP. I think he's trying to get you to look like those Instagram models for his own benefit.

I know that. The funny thing is the Instagram thing most aren't real its photoshopped , good angles and they have Brazilian bum lifts.
OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 17/04/2022 14:52

You need to tell him straight OP. "Button it. If I need advice I will ask for it."

What an ungrateful, deluded meat head.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 17/04/2022 17:47

@Pinkbonbon

'Other than that...'

Other than him completely trashing your self esteem you mean.

Fs op, you still have some weight to lose - about 15 stone of it - him.

I mean the fitness model stuff is grim too.

Funny how he chooses whe Ln you are feeling good about yourself to whip the carpet out from under you isn't it. That's what bullies do.

And also,gaslightinvlg you when you call him out on it.

Sorry op but nothing you do will ever be good enough because he doesn't want you to feel worthy.

He is a sad little man.
Drop him like hot coal and go find your happiness.

I agree.
Sundancerintherain · 17/04/2022 17:55

Jesus, he is a right charmer isnt he .
If he cannot accept the fact that you dont want his " advice " he needs to do one.

CousinKrispy · 17/04/2022 17:55

This relationship sounds shit. Leave it and your self-esteem will have a chance to improve.

Purplecuppa · 17/04/2022 18:00

You deserve so much better than him. A good person would never say something that they know would hurt their significant other You have told him how it makes you feel and he still does it and tries to gaslight you by telling you that you're "mental" for questioning him.
Get out now. This won't get better.

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 18:01

You don’t need to go to the gym unless you want to.

You need to lose the 12 stone of dickhead.

D0lphine · 17/04/2022 18:07

If I were you I wouldn't talk to him about diet/ health/ fitness at all. Like not once.

If he mentions anything about "toning up" or diets I'd just say "mmm" or "uh-huh" and change the subject.

See if that works.

If it doesn't work, I'd leave... no need to be with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself.

JaneyJimplin · 17/04/2022 18:10

He likes you feeling insecure and unhappy in yourself. He isn't offering tips so you can tone up, he is saying "i don't like it when you feel proud of all the weight you've lost, I prefer you feeling miserable and unattractive and inferior to me so I'm going to keep telling you how your body is still unacceptable and give you unachievable standards to aspire to."

It's a form of control.

Littlebird43 · 17/04/2022 18:11

Yep - my DH does the same - a total bully when it comes to my weight and fitness. The stupid thing is that I'd like to do more exercise, but his 'advice' just makes me want to hide and comfort-eat chocolate.

ghostbusters · 17/04/2022 18:16

Whose idea is the tummy tuck and boob lift?
I'm sure that without him dragging your self esteem down, you'll realise that you don't need cosmetic surgery (unless it's you, and you alone, who wants it).
Well done on the weight loss, you should be proud of that achievement alone!

Original poster
Felix0204 · 17/04/2022 18:24

@ghostbusters

Whose idea is the tummy tuck and boob lift? I'm sure that without him dragging your self esteem down, you'll realise that you don't need cosmetic surgery (unless it's you, and you alone, who wants it). Well done on the weight loss, you should be proud of that achievement alone!
Its for me I want it , to complete my transformation it's definitely NOT for him. I've even put it off a few times as I've had stuff to pay out for car etc.
OP posts:
Original poster
Felix0204 · 17/04/2022 18:26

@Littlebird43

Yep - my DH does the same - a total bully when it comes to my weight and fitness. The stupid thing is that I'd like to do more exercise, but his 'advice' just makes me want to hide and comfort-eat chocolate.
Same here it used to make me want to comfort eat because I'd think what's the point of losing Weight and trying to go the gym. It will never be enough! I've changed my mind I'm doing it just for me I want to be healthier live a long life but I still have little wobbles when he starts going on.
OP posts:
simoncowellsdog · 17/04/2022 19:28

He'd have been out the door with the porn tbh. Men that watch porn and perve over Instagram accounts are always going to be misogynistic, shallow, and usually shit in bed.

You don't 'need a tummy tuck' at some point. Or a breast lift. Nobody does. It's bullshit we're fed by mainstream media telling us we're meant to look a certain way otherwise men won't want us. Well, fuck them.

When you're pregnant it's all 'ohh you're glowing, you look amazing' then babies born and it's 'when are you losing that baby weight?' Or 'are you back in your jeans yet?'
No. Embrace the body changes, it's part of you. Some bits go a bit wobbly, So what?
Nothing wrong with wanting to be fit and healthy but nobody needs surgery to make themselves look a certain way for some pervy porn watching creep.

Get yourself a good dildo and tell him to do one 😤

billy1966 · 17/04/2022 19:35

Well done for shifting weight, it is so hard, especially when living with such an awful bully would have most of us comfort eating.

Ignore him as much as you can and continue on doing your great work.

He really sounds awful.

Is he really who you want to spend your future with?

You deserve better.Flowers

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2022 19:58

When someone is constantly telling you you’re not good enough, it’s a challenge to filter out those harmful messages. Those messages are so insidious that it’s hard to separate what you want (plastic surgery), from what he expects.

You can and should do a lot better than this entitled, cruel and self absorbed twat.

Underfrighter · 17/04/2022 20:32

Start giving him advice about his to grow his dick. When he asks wtf you're doing, ask him what the issue is, you're only trying to help him improve himself, why us he being so negative?