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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Flatmates new “fling” - always here

26 replies

pearlybeauty · 16/04/2022 18:23

My flatmate met a boy about 2/3 weeks ago. She has a tendency to cling fast. Since then he’s been round every single time I’ve been here, I’ve not seen her on her own. She has gone out once with a friend but ended up coming back with him. He stays round, and is leaving his clothes here. They’re not even a proper couple yet.

I have a boyfriend who stays round one evening per week and sometimes on the weekend (or I’ll go there). She’s moaned at me before that he’s here too much (2/3 nights per week).

Yet the minute this boy has come into the scene I haven’t yet seen her on her own. They’re not even official yet and this happened from the minute they went on a date. I don’t know whether to say something but it’s getting tiring already. Worst part is he’s barely said two words to me despite me being polite and trying to make conversation.

When do I say something?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 18:26

Now. You say something right now.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2022 18:26

You need to reach an agreement for both of you as to what's 'allowed'. Extra people staying means extra cost and inconvenience so you need to decide together what will work

Original poster
pearlybeauty · 16/04/2022 18:27

Im unsure just yet as I went away for a few days last week so I’d only be assuming he was here the whole time (but I’m certain he probably was).

OP posts:
wingscrow · 16/04/2022 19:15

Unless he is paying rent/utility bills and you both discussed and agreed to having him there, he should not be in your flat all the time...

You agreed to a flat share with one other person not to share your living space with random guys (especially not someone who cannot even be bothered to be polite towards you) on a daily basis.

Put your foot down, speak to her and set boundaries. Tell her you will move out if things don't improve (or ask her to move out).

Original poster
pearlybeauty · 16/04/2022 19:22

Honestly they’ve taken up the sofa each time as well. I’m sat on my own in my room eating dinner. I feel so frustrated already and they’re not even a couple. He’s not even bothered to say 2 words to me

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHood187 · 16/04/2022 19:25

Boy? Is he twelve?

user1471538283 · 16/04/2022 19:46

You tell her now. If he is moving it he pays his share.

Years ago with a flatmate her bf was constantly there and much as I liked him it was a struggle to pay for the flat without paying additional electricity. His arguement about not paying was that he was paying for his own flat in another city.

I bet this will be similar.

Suprima · 16/04/2022 20:46

I’d stir the pot and query why she never goes to his with a concerned face. Grin

“Oh, doesn’t want you to meet his flatmates?”
“Could a girlfriend be living there?”
“Too messy?”
“Doesn’t want to tidy up for you?”

C0rBlimey · 16/04/2022 20:57

You need to say something sooner than later. Even if this fizzles out soon, she'll think its OK to do it again next time. And definitely don't eat your dinner in your room! You're paying rent to live there not him so claim your space in the lounge on principle.

At the end of the day she moved a total stranger in (by default) who could be a thief, psycho, anything and she needs telling.

Snoozer11 · 16/04/2022 21:06

Jesus, she's actually complained about your boyfriend coming over before and now she does this?!

Definitely say something to her. Just repeat what she said to you.

I used to live with a clinger too. Once they moved someone in for a whole week while their bathroom was being done up. This was less than two weeks after they first met.

saraclara · 16/04/2022 21:27

"you know how you complained about my boyfriend being around too much? Well your bloke is constantly here. So I need to say the same thing to you"

cameocat · 16/04/2022 21:32

You need to remind her of her comment about your boyfriend and tell her the same applies to anyone she is seeing. Not least this will help her avoid cocklodgers.

writergirl007 · 16/04/2022 21:49

You need to have an agreement where the number of nights a BF stays at yours, your flatmate spends the same number of nights at his. Eg. If they see each other 6 times per week it's 3 at your place, 3 at his place. Same for your boyfriend. So although you have to put up with a +1 sometimes you also get the place to yourself more.

NameGoesHere · 17/04/2022 09:19

Now!!

Babar100 · 17/04/2022 09:38

I think you need to get used to it. When I was flatsharing years ago our boyfriends were round most nights and became permanent fixtures. We all used to go out together too. I don’t think extra showers really made much difference to the bills.

Granted they weren’t antisocial and we all got on really well. Don’t give them sofa time on their own….go and sit there too you shouldn’t be forced out. If anything it might make them either go into her room or go off back to his place.

SierpinskiSquare · 17/04/2022 09:40

I'd have said something already

Gonnagetgoing · 17/04/2022 09:56

Say something now.

I wouldn’t want a boyfriend basically moving in. It’s different if he stays a couple of nights a week. Also double standards her complaining about your boyfriend staying over.

milcal · 17/04/2022 10:10

It is very unreasonable of her to let him stay all the time.

You are the only ones paying for the flat but things like gas and electricity will increase with him staying over and also shared groceries.

Have a word with her.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/04/2022 10:15

You need to sit on the sofa with them. Ask them to budge up if necessary. Change the channel on the tv if you want to- ask your flatmate not the bf about what show you both want to watch. Take up room in your own flat. Yes, it will be incredibly awkward, but not as awkward as eating dinner sitting on your bed.

PacificState · 17/04/2022 10:29

Oh god I had exactly this in my twenties and I ended up losing a good friend over it because I didn't say anything and just stewed and sulked instead. Her boyfriend (who she went on to marry) and I disliked each other on sight, but in retrospect it's one of the things I really regret in my life because she was a good mate and I still miss her.

Say something polite but firm ASAP. @saraclara's suggestion is good.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/04/2022 10:54

I recall one of the last flats I shared before I bought (early 30s) when I viewed the flat the woman I was sharing with had her boyfriend there with her. She was a friend of a friend. He stayed over a few times a week with normally no issues but when he was there there was an awkward incident when he burst into the bathroom to use the toilet (only one toilet) when I was showering and didn’t knock, he’d stayed over and I had no idea so didn’t lock the door! Cue flatmate screaming at me why I didn’t lock the door! Shock They broke up whilst I was living there but I felt awkward after that and didn’t want to broach with her, she’d been there longer than me. She was very much a flat mate though, not really a friend. I was pleased to move after 6 months!

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2022 13:32

The fact that she moaned at you about your boyfriend is a perfect set up for your talk with her. Not saying anything, in her mind means you’re not bothered.

BunnykinsDay · 17/04/2022 19:35

I think you need to discuss this as a matter of sharing the flat, not just with this man. (How old are you all, as do call him 'boy'?)

I used to house share with 2 women. We had an agreement of no men overnight during the week ( we were all professionals, working hard, out early, one loo in the house.)

There was a stinking row once when one new sharer brought a man back who was not a boyfriend at all.

Another flatmate has a boyfriend who worked away and had 2 weeks 'at home' every month so he'd come and stay with us for some of that time. He wasn't out at work so was using electric etc all day (only form of heating) and that was not fair- not paying any extra for him.

So- you need to clear the air once and for all.

SunflowerTed · 17/04/2022 20:54

Speak to your fella and agree that he needs to come and stay every night too!!! See how that goes down!

ArcheryAnnie · 17/04/2022 20:59

@SunflowerTed

Speak to your fella and agree that he needs to come and stay every night too!!! See how that goes down!
And make sure you sit on the sofa with flatmate and be, however squashed it is.