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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end it don't I?

40 replies

maducks · 16/04/2022 16:54

Username change.

I'm considering ending it with my dp of 5 years. I have been thinking about is for a few months now.

We had been trying for a baby for just over a year but hadn't told anyone. I'm 39 and he is 40, he has one dd 14 from a previous relationship and I have 2 dds 19 and 16, and a ds 21

I found out I was pregnant and was scared but so happy, sadly I lost the baby at 12 weeks but at 8 weeks we told our close family and children. It came as a big shock for everyone, especially his dd who was very upset. She's an only child so completely understandable

When I lost the baby I was devastated and wanted to try again, my dp has now changed his mind as he doesn't want to lose the relationship with his dd over it. (When I was pregnant she wouldn't visit him and was messaging him/calling him asking us to abort)

I cannot explain how much I want another child, it's all I think about but my dp is not budging and I don't expect him too either. I can't force him so I have to walk away dont I? I just don't know how

OP posts:
JustBkind · 16/04/2022 17:08

Really sorry to hear this and I can understand how you must feel but they say things happen for a reason. Maybe, having a baby isn’t the right thing for you both at this time. I know you say you desperately want another baby but how is ending the relationship you have going to help that situation? It takes time to meet someone new and gain that level of trust, love, commitment to want to have a baby with someone else. You are at a prime time in your life now to move on and do things for you, which makes me question whether the relationship is right in the first place? I’m just being objective here, I obviously don’t know you and how you truly feel but these are important things to consider. I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 17:13

Thank you for your response @JustBkind

I just don't want to end up resenting him in the future. He does tell me that he really wants a baby with me and he wishes things were different.

I do not blame his dd at all, she's a lovely kid normally and I understand why he's putting her feelings first. I would with my own kids

I think losing the baby has made me want one even more. It's like I have this yearning inside me and it won't go away know matter what I do

OP posts:
lisaandalan · 16/04/2022 17:13

I'm so sorry what has happened to you, personally I would definitely leave him if he is going to let a child call the shots, yes I understand she's his only child but he needs to make her see he is able to love more than one person, if he isn't able to do that I'd walk away.
She is behaving like a spoilt little brat and he's allowing it. X

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 17:16

You can walk away, but it's still very doubtful that you'd have another child. I say this gently, but your broodiness is very, very common at your age. Peri-menopause is knocking, and it's the last call hormones making you feel this way. It will pass.

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 17:16

@lisaandalan it's the first and only time she has been like this. Normally she's a cracking kid and this is so out of character for her so I don't blame her at all

Maybe he's using her as an excuse as to not have one. It was his idea in the first place so go knows? I'm just so confused and very hurt.

My miscarriage was a missed one and the baby was dead for 4 weeks before I even knew. I had to go to hospital and it was the worst experience of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 17:17

@Aquamarine1029 that's what my mum said! My kids are all grown and don't need me as much, I feel redundant as a parent

OP posts:
Unforgettablefire · 16/04/2022 17:23

@Aquamarine1029

You can walk away, but it's still very doubtful that you'd have another child. I say this gently, but your broodiness is very, very common at your age. Peri-menopause is knocking, and it's the last call hormones making you feel this way. It will pass.
Shock
Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 17:35

[quote maducks]@Aquamarine1029 that's what my mum said! My kids are all grown and don't need me as much, I feel redundant as a parent [/quote]
Your mum is probably right. I'm 49 and my kids are 22 and nearly 25, and I absolutely love it. You're not redundant as a parent, you've just handled the hardest part of the job. It's your turn now and you can have your life back to a huge extent. It's awesome, honestly.

Maybe think about whether it is you really want to start over with another baby or if you're just trying to fill a void.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 17:35

*really wanting

NeverChange · 16/04/2022 17:49

It's a really difficult one?

Hard to know if you will resent him if you stay.
Also hard to know if you'll regret it, if you go & don't meet someone else quickly enough to have another.

Is the need for another child greater than your love for him? It may well be.

Also, I think you need to be sure this is a constant feeling rather than just something that will pass. Not sure how you do that but try to really strip back to basics, why do you want another child?

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 18:32

Sorry to drip feed but he knew when we got together that I would like more children. It's one of the reasons why I did get with him because he wanted more too.

I lost one years ago due to violence at 16 weeks and I have wanted one ever since.

I'm not going to force him to have one, I could never do that and he has every right to change his mind. I just feel a bit cheated in a way of what I could have. I'm being daft aren't I?

OP posts:
TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 16/04/2022 19:13

If you're absolutely sure you want a baby and he is sure he doesn't then yes you probably need to end it. BUT you should consider your age, you may not be able to have more children, so even if you met someone now, by the time the relationship had grown enough for you to both to decide to have a baby together, it may no longer be possible. So you'd be ending a good relationship on an 'if'

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 20:42

@TiptowThroughTheToadstools I want a baby more than anything. I cannot see me continuing to be happy in this relationship, I'll end up resenting him and I don't want that and he certainly doesn't deserve that

I know I'm getting on at 39 but I see this as my last chance and I don't want to hit 50 and be full of regrets

OP posts:
TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 16/04/2022 20:46

@maducks then I think you have to follow your heart, I hope things work out for you and you get your wish x

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 21:44

@TiptowThroughTheToadstools we have just spoken and I have ended things between us.

When I spoke to him he got pretty cold, but not nasty so I think/hope I have done the right thing. Only time will tell I guess

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 16/04/2022 21:49

I wanted another baby, I had pain in my chest I wanted one so badly. DH said no due to his MH. Now my youngest is ready for Uni, and I’m glad I didn’t have another. I wouldn’t have the energy for another teen, I’m ready to have cheap holidays when the kids are in school and do what I want, when I want.
Don’t lose a great relationship for a baby that might not happen.

lisaandalan · 16/04/2022 22:39

@maducks I had the same miscarriage it is very distressing. X

TracyMosby · 16/04/2022 22:42

I think youve made the roghr decision. Telling you he wanted more children because he knew you did bow saying he doesnt because his 14 year old doesnt want him to is weak.

Original poster
maducks · 16/04/2022 23:11

He was the one pushing for a baby, more so than me then he changed his mind after the miscarriage. I feel like I've wasted valuable time on our relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I genuinely love him but we both want different things, clearly.

OP posts:
GreenestValley · 17/04/2022 00:15

It sounds like the only reason you got together with him was to have a baby. Is that the case or no?
If so, yes he’s seemingly let you down on that front and you should move on - not least cos its not right for you anyway
If no - see past the baby issues and mend the relationship

Maze76 · 17/04/2022 01:51

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you have called time on your relationship, but do you think that perhaps your partner may be traumatised by what’s happened and that maybe be partly why he decided against trying again?

And also , we’re efforts made try to reassure his daughter that your baby would not impact on the their relationship? She’s 14, she may be resistant at first but, once her new sibling arrived I’m sure it would have been a very different story.

Walkingalot · 17/04/2022 02:25

I understand you OP. I had a missed miscarriage at 13wks. Until then, I'd never been interested in having kids. But that miscarriage woke something inside me. My DH, who had kids from a previous, couldn't understand my feelings and that caused a big divide. If I hadn't have fell pregnant again, I would have walked away. Yes, his kids were incredibly upset and that's another whole story. So, if he's not on board, walk away. You'll resent him and it'll sour everything, IMO.

Quatrophoenix · 17/04/2022 02:27

You have done the right thing in ending it.

You don't love him and you certainly have little regard for his only child.

He's dodged a bullet.

Good luck getting pregnant by someone.

Walkingalot · 17/04/2022 02:36

OP - I was 41 when I finally had my first and only.
@Quatrophoenix - so OP's only option was to suck it up and totally disregard her feelings? Have you ever been in that situation?

Monty27 · 17/04/2022 02:46

OP I'm very sorry for your bereavement.
I think you've done the right thing. He is not on your page.
You take care of yourself and you know we're always here and listening. He's hurt you on top of everything else.
What his DD thinks I'd disregard but hey they're welcome to each other.
💐💐