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Original poster

I need to end it don't I?

40 replies

maducks · 16/04/2022 16:54

Username change.

I'm considering ending it with my dp of 5 years. I have been thinking about is for a few months now.

We had been trying for a baby for just over a year but hadn't told anyone. I'm 39 and he is 40, he has one dd 14 from a previous relationship and I have 2 dds 19 and 16, and a ds 21

I found out I was pregnant and was scared but so happy, sadly I lost the baby at 12 weeks but at 8 weeks we told our close family and children. It came as a big shock for everyone, especially his dd who was very upset. She's an only child so completely understandable

When I lost the baby I was devastated and wanted to try again, my dp has now changed his mind as he doesn't want to lose the relationship with his dd over it. (When I was pregnant she wouldn't visit him and was messaging him/calling him asking us to abort)

I cannot explain how much I want another child, it's all I think about but my dp is not budging and I don't expect him too either. I can't force him so I have to walk away dont I? I just don't know how

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 17/04/2022 04:03

'you certainly have little regard for his only child'

Where'd you get that from, then?

I think you were right to end it, OP, but with three children already, and now in your fortieth year, I really wouldn't pin everything you have on another baby.

Original poster
maducks · 17/04/2022 04:25

@GreenestValley no that's not why I got with him, but he knew I have always wanted more children and so did h

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 17/04/2022 04:50

He will probably feel more free now, thinking that there is enough children in the family already.

jokalyn · 17/04/2022 04:51

@maducks of he did want kids it sounds like rhe miscarriage has scared him. You have to be really tough to commit to that again when it could be the worst heart break of your life for a second time. It must be terrifying trying again

secretsqizzle · 17/04/2022 05:48

I would get this if you didn't have kids but in your shoes I couldn't think of anything worse..

My kids are virtually same age as yours . However I am 58 . Those pesky hormones are nicely balanced by the miracle of HRT and all I can think about is all the great sex and selfish adventures my DH and I can look forward to. (No kids together)

I am sure this is your hormones screaming 'last chance saloon' or why would anyone who has already done it three times from 18 years old... meaning child rearing throughout your late teens, all your twenties and thirties - want to commit to that level of young child rearing through your forties and fifties. ? That's forty years of child care !! No wonder your partner changed his mind when reality struck. It's madness.

There is so much more to life than babies. Time to get out in the world and have some fun. With or without your partner.

blisstwins · 17/04/2022 05:59

[quote maducks]@Aquamarine1029 that's what my mum said! My kids are all grown and don't need me as much, I feel redundant as a parent [/quote]
Your feelings are so understandable, but as a 63 year old with children just starting college. I am envious that you will have freedom at a younger age. You have hormones and an intense loss to content with atm, but your partner sounds solid and I’d the relationship is otherwise good leaving to have another child seems very off

ChoiceMummy · 17/04/2022 07:08

@maducks
Tbh, if now your preference is a child over a relationship, then you've still got time to pursue this via donor sperm.

Seems a shame though to have ended the relationship over this when you already have 3 children and this seems like a knee jerk reaction because they've flown the nest.

Original poster
maducks · 17/04/2022 15:43

@blisstwins it probably is my hormones, I just cannot control how I feel. It's starting to make me feel depressed and I can't stop thinking about it

I just don't know what to do. DP now angry with me and the last thing I want is to hurt him

OP posts:
storminateacupagain · 17/04/2022 15:59

Is it really your DP who doesn't want one or is the wishes of his DD that he is following? If you did stay together would your relationship with his DD be affected ?
You need time and space to decide what you really want. Relationship or another DC with no pressure from anyone

Original poster
maducks · 17/04/2022 16:19

His dd doesn't want us to have one. She's made it clear very loudly.

His daughter was here before me and I don't want her to feel pushed out by our relationship. I think I have done the right thing, or at least I hope I have

I just feel really sad

OP posts:
blisstwins · 17/04/2022 16:25

I am so sorry. I wish you peace and healing.

KosherDill · 17/04/2022 16:58

Four kids between you already is double replacement rate. Have a thought for the planet and other species.

Just because we want something doesn't make it a good idea.

KosherDill · 17/04/2022 17:01

@secretsqizzle

I would get this if you didn't have kids but in your shoes I couldn't think of anything worse..

My kids are virtually same age as yours . However I am 58 . Those pesky hormones are nicely balanced by the miracle of HRT and all I can think about is all the great sex and selfish adventures my DH and I can look forward to. (No kids together)

I am sure this is your hormones screaming 'last chance saloon' or why would anyone who has already done it three times from 18 years old... meaning child rearing throughout your late teens, all your twenties and thirties - want to commit to that level of young child rearing through your forties and fifties. ? That's forty years of child care !! No wonder your partner changed his mind when reality struck. It's madness.

There is so much more to life than babies. Time to get out in the world and have some fun. With or without your partner.

Have to agree with this, in addition to environmental concerns.
KosherDill · 17/04/2022 17:02

[quote maducks]@blisstwins it probably is my hormones, I just cannot control how I feel. It's starting to make me feel depressed and I can't stop thinking about it

I just don't know what to do. DP now angry with me and the last thing I want is to hurt him [/quote]
We can't control how we feel but we can control our choices and actions.

layladomino · 17/04/2022 19:48

He has no right to be angry.

He has made a decision - for understandable reasons - and you are saying you still want what you both originally agreed to. Did he assume that you would go along with what he wanted?

You are both free to make your own decisions / change your mind, what he shouldn't be is angry at you for your decision.

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