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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I over-react

33 replies

Angeex · 16/04/2022 00:18

Just wanted some advice please
But me and Dh have been having disagreements over his just spend any free with with his mates or either working/hobby

I feel like he’s always been doing sly things after being married i.e hiding phone, coming home late etc but I’m not a person who just accuses and gets paranoid over things without any evidence and to be honestly some of his behaviour I’ve always just put it down to he’s young and will mature in time. But recently I’ve been feeling like these signs are signs I shouldn’t have ignored and spoke up about as now they bother me when he does certain things.

We have 3 young dc and he’s still got this ‘going out till late’ habit which stops for a few weeks and starts again continuously till I have a burst about it to him. He’s been going out every weekend after work till 2-3 am or twice a week even.

I’ve come to visit my family for Easter for a few days and he’s gone over to his, I’ve asked him tonight to come with us after I visited his family, I would have stayed there but no space. I don’t know if part of me wanted to test him as I know it’s Friday and probably will be doing his late shenanigans. It’s like I dread weekends!!

Anyways as I’m about to leave he’s asked me if I got any spare clothes for him in the car of his, Honeslty that got me so annoyed as always he wouldn’t miss the opportunity of going out, so I calmly replied ‘so you not coming cause you made plans i see’

By the way him going out isn’t an issue but he’s doing it so often that it’s a little annoying even when we are at home this is the case, i get no date nights with him haven’t for about 5 months.

Apparently he doesn’t spend money when out, he only meets with old friends and often won’t let me know when he’s coming back

I am religiously doing everything, cleaning, cooking, childcare, shopping! And he never asks me if I’d like even 30 minutes to myself once in a while

Anyways before leaving I told him that he’s giving me a bad gut feeling, honestly I can’t brush this horrible feeling, I feel like I’m being taken for a mug In a few situations

He didn’t want to Listen to what I had to say any further and in rage I told his brother who was just outside his car of his recent behaviour. He asked him to take me for a coffee or little drive and speak over this, whilst he baby sits for us, dh told him to let her just go home don’t worry about it.

I got upset and told his brother thank you for the advice and offer but it’s fine as your brother doesn’t feel like it’s important to make his wife feel loved and reassured with her emotions.

I feel a bit bad as I may have made a fool out of myself due to my gut feeling and speaking out

Any advise xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 00:23

Your marriage is already over. Gather your ducks, get them in a row, and get out of there. He adds absolutely nothing to your life except bullshit.

Dartmoorcheffy · 16/04/2022 00:23

I'm so sorry but this has all the hallmarks that he is cheating. I'm really sorry.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 16/04/2022 00:28

Take your life back and kick him out of it. He sounds useless

Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 00:30

I feel so saddened that I’ve lost trust in him and it feels like I’m gone numb , another part to me just keeps shouting what if he’s loyal and it’s just me but the actions don’t add up

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 00:35

The feeling I keep getting is ‘am I being taken for a mug’

I am no mug and I don’t know what that what it is looking from the outside too or just me feeling this way

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 00:42

I wish I could understand but it’s like I trust him to much @Dartmoorcheffy

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 08:55

Heard nothing since

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 16/04/2022 08:57

Have you spoken to your parents about this?

Could they help you get yourself sorted? In a better position to decide what you want to do about this?

Your DH sounds as though he has no respect for you at all. That has to be heartbreaking.

ZaZathecat · 16/04/2022 09:02

Cheating or not seems irrelevant here. He just seems to have no regard for you or your feelings, and gives nothing to your relationship. I doubt you'd miss him if he were gone.

Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 11:13

I know the dismiss it so frustrating but he never seems to think his wrong just that I’m possessive

I can’t really speak to anyone about this . My parent has a lot going on at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 11:16

Just feels as if i will have to sort it however I can that why I also had the outburst yesterday as this happens so often

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 11:20

It’s as if I’ve been portrayed in everyone’s eyes that I’m moody and possessive it ends up making me feel so embarrassed because I’m not it’s just that I can’t take the crap anymore

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/04/2022 13:07

You don't strike me as moody and possessive. It sounds to me that he's living the life of a single man, not a married father of three.

You'd be better off without him

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 13:24

OP,

Your gut is screaming at you for a reason.

What you have written is unbelievable.

Protect yourself from this selfish loser.

Do you work outside the home?

What age are your children?

Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 13:43

I have told him he’s imitating a single man. Yet he refuse and thinks he’s doing enough

I don’t I’m on maternity youngest is 2

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 13:46

My mind is so confused on if I leave were I’d go as the home is his name and me n kids are tenants. He could be taking it Micky as he probably thinks he can stay and be as he wants

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 16/04/2022 13:58

Oh my lord. Please stop feeling so bad about standing up for yourself. You’ve been too much of a push over. If my dp treated me like this (and he can be a selfish b*stard too at times) he’d be out on his arse a long time ago. I understand how hard it is having to deal with a man child. Give him an ultimatum, either he changes or you break up and share custody of the children. He treated you so disrespectfully in front of your brother I’m not even sure if this is a salvageable situation. He’s a father with a wife and 3 kids for god sake, he can’t just swan about living life exactly how he wants to, leaving you with all responsibility and then refuse to even acknowledge how his lifestyle is affecting you all.
You need rules, compromise and mutual time away from the kids with friends, e.g. you both get 1 night out a month while the other looks after the kids (also preferably a date night out together while family/babysitter looks after the kids). When you say you’ve made excuses for him because he’s young, how young exactly is he? Either way, he doesn’t deserve an excuse for his behaviour as presumably it was a mutual decision to marry and have kids. I’m 24 with a 3 year old and I don’t get to go out whenever I like because I’d never do that to my child nor my partner.

Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 14:35

Yes I’ve giving the ultimatum and said I will separate and he just says not this again. I’m not literally being heard, I am always at fault so it always end up questioning myself . I am same like you I have dedicated myself to my kids because I need them as much as they need me. I don’t have a social life but I’m fine with that but I do expect little time to myself once in a while he just makes excuses to why he can’t have them as he works hard and doesn’t get time either. Apparently him going out with us once or twice a month as a family is him being a good father and husband, that he only sees his friends for a few hours and why I’m making a big deal of it @Rno3gfr

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 14:40

He just told me he wasn’t going out so what made me cause an argument. The way he acted didn’t seem like he was going to stay at home as he was asking for his other clothes, which I get he may needed them to change over but he was acting suspicious

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 14:40

Guess silent treatment will be given now as I’m god damn moody bitch

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 17:43

I think there could be another woman involved! Who he is going to see! It’s not really normal behaviour! Hiding his phone, out till 3am! Batshit

Emily94x · 16/04/2022 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Angeex · 16/04/2022 18:18

I’ve had no contact what’s so ever either it makes me think wowwww

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 18:36

Op, A decent husband does not hide his phone! If he’s hiding his phone there’s a reason for it, he’s guilty of something! He’s been going out at weekends till 2/3 in the morning! Not telling you where he’s going! Asking if he’s got clothes ! It’s very weird set up! I think his brother knows more ( possibly) you are not making a big deal! But when you ask he makes you feel as if it’s your fault there’s a argument! It’s not that difficult to say I’m going over to so n so’s, he’s being secretive for a reason! I wouldn’t put up with it, but I don’t have a secretive husband! He says why would he be with you if he was cheating! The majority of people that cheat have unsuspecting partners at home sadly! A decent man would make contact with his wife of course and not have her stewing worrying for 24 hours! He’s a loser! And things won’t change until you stand up to him

CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 18:38

How old are you and your husband Angee