How to get past an argument?

[therealladywhistledown]

My husband and I had a horrible argument yesterday.

I will preface this by saying I am ND. Something in our house was 'broken' and I asked him to fix it (I was unable to). It was really really upsetting me that this item was broken and even though it was something silly and unimportant it was bothering me a lot.

We ended up in discussion about it last night and he was saying things like 'stop going on about it' 'this conversation is boring me' etc.

Admittedly most people would have been able to cope with this item being left as it was for the time being but I just couldn't and I started to cry because of the way he was speaking to me and being so dismissive of my feelings and the fact that I had made it so clear that it was really important to me that he did this for me even if he himself didn't understand why.

The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that I felt when he was just shutting me down for feeling and acting a certain way was just indescribable. Just so utterly frustrating and hurtful that my husband could do this. It blew up into something awful with me telling him to leave etc. I slept on the couch.

Today I could tell he was hoping to just pretend nothing had happened - he fixed the item and would try and speak to me every so often but I just said the bare minimum and didn't make conversation.

We aren't really a couple that talks through things and I do have to admit he isn't the most sensitive or empathetic man. We very rarely argue but when we do it is bad and I think to myself how is it ok to then just go back to normal after that? I don't want to divorce him or anything but I'm hurt that he basically used my condition against me and made me feel so small and stupid and I feel as though our relationship has changed irrevocably.

How do people tend to deal with this sort of thing?

Am I assuming ND means neurodiverse?

If so, I am ND too. I understand where you're coming from about an item, and you wanted it fixed, and even if it might be trivial to everyone else, it is essential that it needs fixing. So I get where you're coming from.

On the other hand, I can see when I sometimes feel hopeless, I tend to. And sometimes, my partner does the same thing and says, "have you finished now?"

I can imagine that my partner does it because, in his eyes, he probably ends it as being resolved, and therefore, nothing more needs to be done about it. Case close kind of thing - he's not the biggest talker himself. I can imagine it's exhausting for him.

However, your husband should understand how you feel.

What you need to do is probably calm down and maybe have space to digest the feelings and then let them blow over. I wouldn't say have a divorce; find something to distract you (it's what I usually do).

I meant I tend to go over and over about it* sorry phone checker

Thanks @changeu123 for your reply. It helps to hear from someone else who experiences similar difficulties. I do know what you mean about going on and on. I'm sure you are the same in that you wish you could just stop and put whatever it is out of your mind but you just can't.

My husband does 'put up with' a lot living with me and so maybe I just need to accept that sometimes it's too much for him to deal with. It's just hurtful when he could see how upset I was.

You're probably right about distraction!

Sometimes I wish my brain would stop about things, but it goes at 100mph. I have ADHD.

Yeah, it can be hurtful when you feel that they don't care, but I am sure he does; they don't show it like us.

I usually watch tv or go into the bedroom to chill, and then when I calm down, he usually's okay. If he weren't, he probably wouldn't talk to me 😂 so I would say if he's acting normal, it is okay.

I think the best thing you can hope for after that is to pretend nothing happened. Sounds like you were being incredibly demanding and you cant just demand your husband fixes something. It is frustrating for anyone when they want something doing but you cant order your DH to do something for you. You'll either have to learn to do it yourself or pay someone else to do it. Imagine if this were the other way round and your DH was demanding you did something for him? How would you react?

I really would like to think if my DH made it so clear to me that something was upsetting him as much as this was upsetting me that I'd have done something about it if I could but maybe I am wrong.

I suppose all we can do is move on though. It's just difficult.

So, you demanded he did something, blew up when he didn’t, told him to leave…and somehow you feel wronged?

I understand that you’re ND, but that doesn’t make your partner your whipping boy. Does this sort of thing happen regularly? If anyone in your DH’s position described the above incidents to me, I’d tell them that they were being abused.

I think everyone has bad days. It sounds like it was a bad day for both of you.

I think if you can apologise for your overreaction, and thank him for fixing the item, he will probably apologise for not understanding/acting on your distress.

I've said in a previous post we don't argue often.

The argument wasn't so much over the thing not being fixed. It was his reaction to me and the way he spoke to me that blew things up. I was upset about the broken thing, yes that but my real frustration was him just dismissing my feelings.

It wasn't just me kicking off because I asked him to do something and he didn't do it. Absolutely not.

@KhansMambo

That's not a phrase I'd be using these days!

That aside, you clearly do not understand ND.

@therealladywhistledown.

It would have been far better if your DH had understood how important it was to you to have it fixed there & then.

It would have been a bit better if he had just said 'I'm too tired/whatever, I don't want to fix it now, but I will tomorrow'

But to say the things he did, to someone he's supposed to love ND or not isn't nice.

Telling him to leave & sleeping on the couch are quite big reactions to him not fixing this thing straight away. Him brushing it under the rug & carrying on as if it hadn't happened is probably the only way to go about it in reality.

He does owe you an apology for speaking to you the way he did, but you owe him one too for telling him to leave.

Obviously your ND has a huge impact on both your lives, you need to talk to him & find ways to deal with these situations. It's hard, very hard. For both of you.

@LoveSpringDaffs I suggest you look into the origins of the phrase. It would appear that you are confused as to what they are.

Neurodivergence does not excuse abusive behaviour or mean that the ND person’s partner is required to accept it. Stating that doesn’t mean I ‘don’t understand’ neurodivergence.

You ask how people deal with these things. Well, we talk. We sit down and level with one another. We both get the space to level with each other.

Then we can see some conclusions. Sometimes I am the one who was in the wrong, sometimes its him. But we both learn and we both have to adapt.

After that, I personally feel a bit fragile. I do not ask him to make this ok for me, instead I think about my own part in it. I make an effort with the relationship and slowly the issue passes.

It's not nice to argue, but to minimize them it does help to calmly get into it. And both people including oneself have to flex if needed.

@LoveSpringDaffs thank you! The last couple of replies have made me feel like a complete monster but I feel you do understand a bit better. Maybe I should have posted this on the ND board because it is nuanced. For most people they wouldn't have given the broken thing another thought but I almost couldn't think about anything else.

We are probably now stuck in the situation where I think he should apologise and he thinks I should which I know is petty.

As you say if he had even just acknowledged my feelings (even if he had to say he didn't get it but in a nicer way) and said I'll do it tomorrow, the weekend, whatever it would probably have all gone better but I just felt so misunderstood and that he really didn't care how upset I was.

The telling him to leave was after everything blew up of course and was because of his treatment of me rather than the item not being fixed and same for me sleeping on the couch. The hurt that I felt and I suppose worry for the future just meant I didn't want to be near him.

@KhansMambo it's utterly ridiculous for you to try and imply I am an abusive person based on this post! I was shut down, made to feel like a piece of dirt on his shoe, spoken to like he thinks I am thick, had my feelings completely dismissed and I am the abusive one?

Stop this.
You do have the power to cease fire today...

If you dig your heels in, he will do the same and this will grow.

Protect the relationship by not letting this grow.

You could simply say, I just needed you to hear me. If you could have said, I'll do it tomorrow, that would have helped. Next time say that. Let's get back to normal now, I love you and I'm sorry.

See what happens if you say that.

Pick wisely op. You are at a juncture.

So you wanted something done, and you can't do it, how many times did you ask him and what was going on at the time?
The fact you burst into tears and told him to leave is dreadful.

@something2say thank you. Do you find that you do learn from these situations and the same type of argument wouldn't happen again?

I suppose I am worried that we sit down and talk it out, I lay myself bare telling him how I feel and then he just does the same thing another time and that feels like it would be worse then.

But what do you want to happen when you tell him how you feel? Will you listen to him telling you how he feels?

@MichelleScarn the asking him to leave was after the argument it was not because he didn't do what I had asked him to do. I need to make that clear. It wasn't 'you haven't fixed this, get out now!' It was after he had really really hurt me.

I mentioned it a couple of times on the day it broke (not in a demanding way at all but making it really obvious that it was important to me and that I wouldn't be able to do it myself) then it was two days later the argument happened. Again I want to stress that the argument was because of how he spoke to me and dismissed me rather than because it was still broken. I know people won't understand it.

@KhansMambo I don't think it's overblown at all. Those things that you've quoted and most importantly his tone while saying them were extremely hurtful to me and it's clear that you won't understand that but it's a fact. It made it clear to me that my feelings don't matter and that it wasn't important to him to help me.

I have ADHD and I'm sorry but people. - even partners - don't have an infinite source of patience. Just as you were frustrated, so was your partner.

The item is now fixed and you're still giving him the cold shoulder? Being neurodiverse isn't an excuse for being petty.

Silent treatment is abusive, you'll see that stated all over this site. He's fixed the item, what more do you want from him before you start talking to him properly again?

@MichelleScarn yes I'll listen but maybe I won't like what I hear. It'll probably just confirm that he doesn't understand me or want to make any effort to try and understand me. Even though he is generally a good husband and he supports me a lot with my condition on a practical level it's still just devastating to know that he thinks I should be able to be different from the way that I am.

OP your posts are all ME ME ME. How about considering how your partner feels? Does that not matter? Why is it all one sided?