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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get past an argument?

51 replies

therealladywhistledown · 15/04/2022 22:54

My husband and I had a horrible argument yesterday.

I will preface this by saying I am ND. Something in our house was 'broken' and I asked him to fix it (I was unable to). It was really really upsetting me that this item was broken and even though it was something silly and unimportant it was bothering me a lot.

We ended up in discussion about it last night and he was saying things like 'stop going on about it' 'this conversation is boring me' etc.

Admittedly most people would have been able to cope with this item being left as it was for the time being but I just couldn't and I started to cry because of the way he was speaking to me and being so dismissive of my feelings and the fact that I had made it so clear that it was really important to me that he did this for me even if he himself didn't understand why.

The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that I felt when he was just shutting me down for feeling and acting a certain way was just indescribable. Just so utterly frustrating and hurtful that my husband could do this. It blew up into something awful with me telling him to leave etc. I slept on the couch.

Today I could tell he was hoping to just pretend nothing had happened - he fixed the item and would try and speak to me every so often but I just said the bare minimum and didn't make conversation.

We aren't really a couple that talks through things and I do have to admit he isn't the most sensitive or empathetic man. We very rarely argue but when we do it is bad and I think to myself how is it ok to then just go back to normal after that? I don't want to divorce him or anything but I'm hurt that he basically used my condition against me and made me feel so small and stupid and I feel as though our relationship has changed irrevocably.

How do people tend to deal with this sort of thing?

OP posts:

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:03

@CircusBaby that's what my post is about really. That's why I am here.

I wish I hadn't even added what the argument was about because now it's all people can focus on. I appreciate it's now fixed but that doesn't just undo the huge argument between us.

I am asking how people do move on from these things when they still feel hurt and angry? When you feel so let down how do you just go back to discussing work/the weather/the weekend? It feels like if we do that we are accepting what happened as ok?

OP posts:

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:06

Ok I'm abusive ...

I don't know how he feels. Probably frustrated? Fed up?

OP posts:

Thestagshead · 16/04/2022 11:07

For me what stands out is it’s all about you and your needs, you were unable to take his needs into account. You wanted it done so he had to do it. His feelings were irrelevant. Yours were key. You are now pretty much giving him the silent treatment, I assume to try to punish him. You say he was dismissive of your feelings when you were doing the exact same thing to him. However you seem to think this is acceptable, as for you you come first.

I don’t understand if this is a behaviour that is insurmountable for you ?

CircusBaby · 16/04/2022 11:08

@therealladywhistledown but nothing major happened. He didn't say anything awful to you, he just got frustrated with you continuing to talk about it. You've blown it all out of proportion and now you feel like you deserve some kind of apology. As someone who has ADHD herself, I'm saying it's down to you to manage your expectations, not your partner. And as someone who's had some truly vile things said to her by a partner, I'm telling you kindly, to get a grip.

He got a bit frustrated, you blew it out of proportion, he's fixed the item. Move on.

MichelleScarn · 16/04/2022 11:09

Where do you see your role in the argument? From your posts you fully see yourself as the injured party.
The timings of everything and what the actual item is would be a major factor. Was this late at night and you were both tired?

KhansMambo · 16/04/2022 11:11

You could ASK him how he feels. As opposed to focussing on yourself and your needs, you could find out what his are.

You say this “I’ll listen but maybe I won't like what I hear. It'll probably just confirm that he doesn't understand me or want to make any effort to try and understand me”. But it doesn’t seem to have clicked that reciprocal effort is required from you.

He’s a person, as well. With wants, needs and personhood to be understood. It’s not just about you.

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:11

But aren't there some situations where one persons needs/feelings are more important?

I am not trying to punish him at all I just feel upset and hurt and scared to move on in case it means I'm clearing a path for more of this.

OP posts:

Thestagshead · 16/04/2022 11:16

@therealladywhistledown

Ok I'm abusive ...

I don't know how he feels. Probably frustrated? Fed up?

Doesn’t this tell you anything? He certainly knows how you feel. Why don’t you know how he feels? There is an undertone of “who gives a fuck how he feels” to this.

As said, I don’t know if your nd condition means you cannot feel empathy, or if you’ve a life time of people doing what you want when you want and have move to bullying abusive behaviour. Or some where in between.

But as a base level, you should know how he feels. And you should care.

KhansMambo · 16/04/2022 11:16

In this situation, you clearly think the person whose needs/feelings are more important is you. Why do you think this?

Following on from that, why do you think he should (or will) tolerate playing second fiddle (or being ‘dismissed’, to use your phrasing), if you won’t?

And, finally, do you think this is a pleasant existence for him? Would you want it?

Thestagshead · 16/04/2022 11:17

@therealladywhistledown

But aren't there some situations where one persons needs/feelings are more important?

I am not trying to punish him at all I just feel upset and hurt and scared to move on in case it means I'm clearing a path for more of this.

Clearing a path for what? Can you explain? As it sounds like clearing a path for him to say no to you and taking his own feelings into account.

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:18

Yes I do see myself as the injured party but I can see from the replies that others don't agree and that's something to reflect on.

It was late at night. It was an item belonging to one of the children (a Christmas present) and the longer it was left the more broken it was becoming.

I'm sure he feels that his wife is crazy.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 16/04/2022 11:21

@therealladywhistledown

But aren't there some situations where one persons needs/feelings are more important?

I am not trying to punish him at all I just feel upset and hurt and scared to move on in case it means I'm clearing a path for more of this.

So every time you want something done he needs to do it right away, no questions or saying no, or you'll cry and tell him to leave?

Daenerys77 · 16/04/2022 11:23

If you want to move on, you need to apologise for being a drama queen. And learn to mend stuff yourself.

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:27

I suppose all of these replies can't all be wrong so I am obviously the problem and it's helpful to see outsiders perspectives.

I don't want to be a bad wife or give him any sort of miserable existence.

I'll apologise and hopefully he will too and we just need to draw a line under it and maybe one day if something like this happens again we need to look to separate for his sake.

OP posts:

HalfBottleofRum · 16/04/2022 11:42

You are getting unfairly treated on this thread and I think it's a little ridiculous! Yes you probably did go over the top telling him to leave, but getting upset that he hasn't fixed something after 2 days when you've asked him to do so is perfectly reasonable!

He will be under the impression that things are all ok now because he fixed the broken item, but for you it was about how he spoke to you. I think you need to thank him for fixing it, making sure it's a genuine thanks and not a resentful one, and say you are sorry for your part of the argument, but explain to him what you have here about communicating in a less dismissive way, otherwise I fear you remain somewhat resentful.

Velvian · 16/04/2022 11:44

I understand a bit, OP. I'm likely ND too (my DC are) and I find I often misunderstand DH's motivations, which can lead to arguments. I've realised that I don't understand him, just as much as he doesn't understand me IYSWIM.

I tend to stew on my feelings and find it hard to let go, but I have got better at voicing my feelings. Even if it is' I'm still really cross with you', rather than silently seething .

Can you take his fixing the item as an apology of sorts? Maybe start by saying thank you for fixing the thing. I'm sure that you have each misunderstood each other's intentions.

Timmytoo · 16/04/2022 11:44

I have ADHD and similar type of arguments so I can relate 100%.

I would really like to recommend a book which really helped me more than all my therapy put together. It's called "Stop Thinking & Start Living". It was recommended to me and it is a very easy read. I opened the book and didn't put it down till the end. It's only around 150 pages.

If you can order it please do so. It's made the world of difference to my relationships and my day to day living.

lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 11:49

How do people tend to deal with this sort of thing?

Learn to fix it myself (youtube is good for this)
Hide the item if possible so I don't have to think about it
Pin down husband for a day and time when he can fix it.
Recycle item/buy a new one if possible.
Next time husband asks for a favour, keep him waiting so he can understand how I felt.

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 11:58

I think yes probably he thought that by fixing it the next day that was his apology - you're absolutely right there.

When I started this thread I really felt I hadn't done anything wrong but the replies do have me convinced that it was me that was the issue.

I'll look into that book thanks. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my husband so it will be helpful to read that and try to learn.

I sometimes think it would be easier just to be alone and not have to navigate this kind of thing!!

OP posts:

CircusBaby · 16/04/2022 12:01

It blew up into something awful with me telling him to leave etc. I slept on the couch.

OP, with kindness, you behaved far worse than he did in this situation. If a male partner had done this he would've been ripped to shreds on this site.

ImanAccountant · 16/04/2022 12:01

Oh my goodness you have children? You need to grow up and get some coping strategies. Being neuro divergent is not an excuse to cause an argument and a horrible atmosphere.

Your kids are living in this house..

oliviastwisted · 16/04/2022 12:01

Hi OP, my son and DD are ND. I am too I suspect. I can see a lot of all or nothing thinking and perfectionism in your reaction here and rigidity (needs to be done now no flexibility) around when the work needed to be done. I can be guilty of that and my DD definitely is guilty of it from time to time too. I mean I presume in the main your DH is normally not abusive (abuse is never ok) and considers yours needs and feelings the majority of the time but not always. It doesn’t have to be perfect just good enough. So I mean a first class degree is 70% that leaves a lot of scope for human error and human behaviour but is still a high standard something like that might be an ok standard for your husband 70% makes him a first class husband.

CBT really helped me in the past will dealing with those types of thinking. Would you consider getting some? Also as an adult it is your job to meet your needs not someone else’s and that includes your DH. So for example you could have chosen to fix this yourself maybe or hire someone else qualified to fix it. There were other ways you could have chosen to handle the situation too. You can look at your own belief that your husband has a responsibility to meet your needs a bit too.

something2say · 16/04/2022 12:03

No you have to look.in the mirror of the relationship just like everyone else who wants to be in a relationship.

It is harder for people who are different. But that's our tough shit. The world does not change to accommodate us I dont think. Are you woman enough? That's the question I ask myself.

lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 12:08

I sometimes think it would be easier just to be alone and not have to navigate this kind of thing!!

You can do this. It might get lonely, or difficult financially though

Original poster

therealladywhistledown · 16/04/2022 12:14

Thanks all. I'm not sure I'll return to the thread. I'm not sure what else I can say now - I don't want to try and defend myself in any way. I can see I was wrong and although it's been difficult and upsetting to read I do appreciate the time people have taken to reply.

OP posts:

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