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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to talk to my dh so badly

40 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 10:34

… but I can’t because he died just over 5 years ago. I’m so sad today. This year’s anniversary of his death has seemed harder than previous ones and it’s really put me in a downward spiral :(.

No point to this post other than sharing the misery - sorry! Wink. Seriously though, mn was such a massive support when he died, and my friends (though lovely) assume I’m ok now.

OP posts:
StopGo · 15/04/2022 10:38

I understand and am in a similar position though only two years since his death. I miss being able to talk to him and occasionally almost resent that I am now solely responsible for the DC.
Be kind to yourself Flowers

WildCoasts · 15/04/2022 10:39

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe five years is harder as it feels like a bit of a milestone anniversary? I know it did for me. Just do whatever gets you through today. It's hard to be without those closest to us when they have passed.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 15/04/2022 10:41

I'm so sorry. Flowers
Not at all the same but my mum died a few months ago. Easter was always a big family time for us so it's really hit me this weekend how much I miss her.
I know the loss of a partner must be much worse so I'm sending you lots of supportive wishes (and unMNy hugs if you want them). Would writing to him help?

Nnique · 15/04/2022 10:41

I’m so sorry. Flowers

Would you like to tell us a bit about him?

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 11:04

Thank you for the lovely messages and I’m sorry that others are in the same boat.

@StopGo I understand your resentment. I kept getting overwhelmed with the responsibility for my dc. Knowing that there was now only me in the world who loved them wholeheartedly was frightening at times. How old are yours?

@WildCoasts you may have something there - half a decade already. How can that be the case? I hope you’re ok.

@AnnesBrokenSlate I’m sorry about your mum, losing anyone is difficult. And it’s especially difficult at significant times of the year/anniversaries.

@Nnique thank you for your kind words. I had a thread on mn at the time where I probably bored everyone to tears going on about him! So I won’t inflict that on you again. I’ll just say he was amazing in his attitude to everything really - to us, to his illness, to life, and he was only 52 when he died. Too young.

OP posts:
Nnique · 15/04/2022 11:10

Ah that’s a wonderful way to describe him. ❤️ I’m sorry that it’s been more difficult lately; I think it must be natural for grief to ebb and flow over an extended time period.

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 15/04/2022 11:14

I'm so sorry OP, what a sad loss. I think it gets harder in some ways because, as time goes on, we feel further away from them. It feels so cruel and final x

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 15:48

@AssignedBlobbyAtBirth

I'm so sorry OP, what a sad loss. I think it gets harder in some ways because, as time goes on, we feel further away from them. It feels so cruel and final x
I find this to be very true @AssignedBlobbyAtBirth. I remember when I got to the first anniversary of his death thinking “ok, I’ve made it to a year. Can we go back to normal now I’ve done this?”
OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 15/04/2022 15:51

I am so sorry. Do you think journalling might help?

billy1966 · 15/04/2022 16:03

So hard OP.

I am another on who thinks it just gets harder the longer it is.

The feeling in the pit of your stomach that this is it.
This is your life now and forever, without that person.

In the case of a much loved husband the yearning just gets all the greater for them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

CavernousScream · 15/04/2022 16:06

Oh, I totally get that for the first anniversary. You feel like you’ve achieved something by getting there, but then you just have to do it again. Felt totally wrong. Are you in WAY?

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 16:07

I think it did help for a bit @JanisMoplin (l like your name!) but then I found myself reading and re-reading what I’d written to the point of obsession. Decided that wasn’t good for me!

What did help was going for a drive and talking out loud to myself but fuel costs have put paid to that!

I will be fine, I’m just having a bad spell :(. I went and did a food shop earlier and felt envious of all the couples bickering! That’s not right is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 16:09

Thank you @billy1966, you’ve summed that up perfectly.

And you @CavernousScream - that’s exactly how I felt at the first anniversary. I’m too old for WAY! Are you a member?

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 16:14

I am so sorry. Flowers

I also think it gets harder because it's longer since you saw them. We lost my husband's' dad not that long ago and what we wouldn't give just to be able to sit and have cup of tea with him, and watch another terrible episode of 'How It's Made.' Sad

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 16:23

Thank you @stripeyflowers, I’m sorry your family has suffered a recent loss too. It’s a fact of life but that makes it no easier to deal with:(.

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 15/04/2022 16:30

We lost my mother in January and I still talk to her - at her grave, when I'm out for walks, on the beach etc. Obviously I know it's not the same - it's not a two-way conversation - but I still have things I want to say to her and I get them out, into the air at least! I know my dad thinks I'm a bit bonkers doing this but it feels right to me.

JanisMoplin · 15/04/2022 16:30

I too am going through some awful stuff in my life, though nothing like yours. I find what helps is just walking for hours. Listening to podcasts or music if you want to. Just the sheer physical act of putting one foot in front of the other.

Of course, you will have bad days. I haven't managed to get out today at all.

I think the Bereavement sub forum may help you.

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2022 16:32

Flowers I'm so sorry.
People often say it gets easier but I think it's more that you just get used to living with the pain.

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 16:59

Thanks so much for the kind messages. The support I got on MN at the time was incredible and helped hugely, as are the lovely messages on this thread.

I was the lucky recipient of a woolly hug too, which gives so much comfort. There are very good people in the world. Just wish my dh was still one of them.

OP posts:
CavernousScream · 15/04/2022 17:06

Yes, I’m in WAY. It’s a huge help. You can join if you were under 51 when you were widowed, it doesn’t matter how old you are now. There’s also WAY UP, which is for people older than 51 when they were widowed.

JanisMoplin · 15/04/2022 17:19

Please ask your friends over. You do not have to pretend to be ok in front of them.

Yiayoula · 15/04/2022 17:21

Helllo, Juan - you won’t know me, but I was one of the knitters involved in your Woolly Hug.
I’d joined MN not long before, and yours was the first blanket I’d contributed squares to , so remember it fondly.
I also remember how beautifully you wrote about your DH. Your love for each other , and the family you made together, shone through your posts.
Thinking of you, and sending another ( virtual ) hug. 💐 xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 18:29

@Yiayoula what a lovely message, thank you so much. Do you remember which squares you knitted? I will give them an extra special rub if you do! It still chokes me every time I look at my blanket to think of the time and effort and genuine warmth total strangers poured into it. Thank you again.

@CavernousScream I was 52 when widowed. I’m glad you find WAY helpful. I did look at WAY UP - I can’t quite remember why now, but I decided it wasn’t for me.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 15/04/2022 18:37

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry. Nothing constructive and helpful to say really, beyond that it’s shit and it’s ok to say so and to not be brave about it. I think saying to yourself ‘Well this is a pile of old shite’ can be healthier than ‘Mustn’t grumble’ sometimes. So you vent away, we are here to listen and to share in the shittiness with you. Flowers

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2022 19:19

Thank you @Spudlet. You’re very right, sometimes it’s impossible to look on the bright side and when only a “fuck this shit” attitude will suffice! Most of the time I just get on with it but sometimes you get days when it hits hard.

OP posts: