I want to talk to my dh so badly

[JuanPotatoTwo]

… but I can’t because he died just over 5 years ago. I’m so sad today. This year’s anniversary of his death has seemed harder than previous ones and it’s really put me in a downward spiral :(.

No point to this post other than sharing the misery - sorry! . Seriously though, mn was such a massive support when he died, and my friends (though lovely) assume I’m ok now.

@JuanPotatoTwo - you’re very welcome, I’m so pleased your blanket brings back happy memories .
I’d had yarn sent to me by anonymous Mumsnetters that donate funds for Woolly Hug fettling - pale lemon and navy blue . - and did a few squares with a single heart , pretty sure I did a stripey one as well with the last bits of yarn.
It was an honour to have been involved , and I’m glad you still have the Woolly Hug to snuggle up in.
Be kind to yourself today . 😘

It's seven weeks on Sunday for me and this weekend is the hardest so far, I have no idea what the answer is but I just wanted to send you strength and (along with )

I’m not home at the minute so can’t get at the blanket, but do you recognise any of these squares @Yiayoula?

Ah @bloodywhitecat thank you. I’ve actually been reading some of your posts but haven’t commented because I didn’t want to take away from your grief. I’ve been thinking about you though, especially as your dh died on the same day (different year obviously) as mine - 27th February? I also saw your post about Brighton marathon and nearly commented because I was also going, and also supporting one of my dc. I hope that doesn’t sound like stalkery weirdness!

I wonder if you’re finding this weekend the hardest because it’s lovely weather and because it’s a big family type occasion. The lovely weather seems to underscore the loss somehow, and of course hearing about families and couples getting together to celebrate is HARD.

Yes, it was the 27th, it was also my DS's 30th birthday and the anniversary of the day we moved in together. I didn't get to Brighton in the end, one of my fosterlings was very out of sorts by things that were happening to him and I thought a weekend in a strange place would really upset his little applecart. I did track DD for the event though. I hope your DC did OK?

I think you're right, DH loved the weekends and loved bank holidays as he was such a home body. I did manage to start the petrol mower last weekend though and cut the grass, I think he'd be proud of me. I might do it again on Sunday because it's what he would've done this weekend.

That blanket is beautiful, it must bring you great comfort (I sleep with DH's wedding tie and his cufflinks, not that I am weird or anything!).

I’m sure he’d be proud of you, I don’t think I was in any fit state to be so productive at 7 weeks. I won’t tell you how strong you are because, although people meant well by saying that, I found it annoyed me! I wasn’t strong, I just didn’t have any choice.

It’s not weird sleeping with his tie and cuff links, nothing that helps is weird. I don’t know how you feel about this but I have tattoos now (never had any until dh died) with his ashes in them. It gives me great comfort to know he is always with me. I also had a friend make me a ring, and when the silver was molten she stirred some of dh’s hair into it (I snipped a lock minutes after he’d died). That is comforting too - I fiddle with it constantly.

If you want to pm me, please do. If we live anywhere near each other we could meet if you’d like and if it’d be helpful.

Juan - couldn’t spot them , but I vaguely recall one of them being next to a square with an anchor on ( in blue and white, I think ).
And weren’t there so many squares sent in there were enough for a cushion as well ? - think one of mine was on there .
Apologies if I’m wrong about the cushion xx

PS - I’ve zoomed in on the photo, I remember the mug of tea and the lemon drizzle cake !

@JuanPotatoTwo I remember your thread.

My sister died 5 years ago next month - I feel what you're saying.

There's times I want to send her a text, lift the phone to her (in fact I called her totally by mistake the other day)

I go to the gym and the lady who always works out beside me has the same name as her, I love hearing the PT use both our names together when talking, just how family used to address me and my sister.

I know her dh and her little kids (6, 8 and 18 when she died) miss her every second of every day 💔

Sending you love and hugs x

There was a cushion - you have a great memory!

I’m sorry for your loss @Newschapter, it’s so, well, it’s so always there. I totally get you liking hearing the pt say your names. There’s a man on the NextDoor forum (which means he must live relatively close by) who has the same name and surname as dh. I like seeing it.

How is your brother in law doing now? And the dc?

@JuanPotatoTwo her dh is a lovely quiet, very genuine man. He is devoted to the kids and he's such a good dad. He has got more involved in their activities, plays a coaching role.

He loves to talk about her, his face lights up when we laugh about her wee ways, but he's so deep in grief.

The eldest dc talks about her all the time too, she tells the younger ones stories of things they used to do that they don't remember. She doesn't live with her dad anymore but visits regularly.

I try to see them as often as I can, but selfishly, I can't bear driving in her yard, I expect to see her at the window waving, her things are all still there, I wish she was too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I understood how you felt in some small way xx

Thank you for your words @Newschapter. Her dh does indeed sound like a lovely man. And it’s not selfish of you not to like driving in her yard, it’s you dealing with it in your own way.

I’m so pleased you all talk about her - I think keeping her present in your world through conversation is so important. We talk about dh all the time as a family but I worry that friends (his and mine) will stop talking about him. I don’t want him to be forgotten.

So sorry. Hugs from me

Thank you @needmorethanthis. I don’t know why this weekend has been particularly bad.

Every Maundy Thursday dh used to go to a school reunion dinner - I only ever went with him once (even though he’d ask every year). Since he died, I’ve been a couple of times with his best friend. It was cancelled due to covid for 2020 and 2021, and although it was on again this year, I couldn’t find it in myself to go. I feel like I’m going backwards :(.