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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hated my sil and now she is dying

28 replies

Bjarnum · 14/04/2022 23:14

She was a cow. She made countless spiteful digs at me - and my adopted kids. The crunch came when her DD got married and requested that non-blood relatives left the wedding before photos were taken. We went NC. Now her husband has died and she is in a hospice with some vile disease. When we were told we sent flowers and a card - silence. Despite my anger I would not wish this on anyone. I don't know why I am sharing this - I feel we reached out and can do no more.

OP posts:
MissM2912 · 14/04/2022 23:17

Let her go. Some people are just not nice and you can’t fix them.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/04/2022 23:17

You tried your best. Your conscience should be clear. 💐

spotcheck · 14/04/2022 23:17

Would you feel comfortable supporting her children?

Honeyroar · 14/04/2022 23:17

It sounds like she’s given you a really tough time. Yet the fact that you’re a lovely person shines through. You’ve sent your best wishes. That’s all you can do. Hug your family and appreciate the good people.

sweetbellyhigh · 14/04/2022 23:19

Not everyone who dies is nice. You don't need to get involved any more than when she was well. It is not as if they are hanging out to hear from you. I'd respect their privacy and get on with my life.

thistimelastweek · 14/04/2022 23:20

Everyone dies sooner or later.

Doesn't make them nicer or change their history.

Original poster
Bjarnum · 14/04/2022 23:22

@spotcheck

Would you feel comfortable supporting her children?
They are all adult now. Her 2 DDs seemed to be like her - her DS I don't know
OP posts:
Hugasauras · 14/04/2022 23:25

Someone dying doesn't make them a nicer person or take away all the horrible things they've done. You've made an effort, that's more than you needed to do and it was very kind of you.

Original poster
Bjarnum · 14/04/2022 23:25

@sweetbellyhigh Thank you

OP posts:
caecilius1 · 14/04/2022 23:26

@thistimelastweek

Everyone dies sooner or later.

Doesn't make them nicer or change their history.

I agree ^
InfrequentFlyer · 14/04/2022 23:32

This sounds so awful, but you reap what you sow. I don't for one second mean the illness, I mean that now times are tough, she hasn't got you to lean on - credit to you that you've shown kindness & compassion by reaching out.

I don't think you need do more.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 14/04/2022 23:32

Would it make you feel better to know that when my mother died I was happy? She was a control freak, who didn't really acknowledge me after I was 17. It also meant that I no longer had to deal with my sister, who is an arsehole.
Sometimes you can only do so much before you realise that you matter too.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 23:37

Don't fall into that silly guilt trap. Her dying doesn't mean she's any less of a twat, and you don't have any obligation to feel bad about it.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 14/04/2022 23:37

There is nothing more you can do. You reached out. it is sad on a human level, but on a personal one, there is no need to feel sad, guilty or that you need to have done anything else.

TheBatKeeper · 14/04/2022 23:46

My SIL is vile, my DH has specifically stated that he wants her to be told the day he dies and not a minute sooner as it is not her gig, I spent years trying to make some sort of connection he really didn't care, but I did, there is too much of a back story and it would be too outing, but when she moved house and told him six months later, he finally switched off.

BungleandGeorge · 14/04/2022 23:50

I think you need to encourage your husband to think about what would be best for him. If he decides to leave it that’s understandable but once she’s dead it’s too late so he needs to be happy with his decision not to see her

SquirrelG · 14/04/2022 23:51

Let her go. Some people are just not nice and you can’t fix them.

This says it all. She sounds horrible, and although it's sad that she is dying it doesn't make her a different person. You have reached out, you have done your bit. Please don't feel guilty, you have no reason to at all.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/04/2022 23:52

@Aquamarine1029

Don't fall into that silly guilt trap. Her dying doesn't mean she's any less of a twat, and you don't have any obligation to feel bad about it.
Quite
Original poster
Bjarnum · 14/04/2022 23:54

I have 3 natural and 4 adopted kids. She had only the 3 natural. No-one has perfect children. But over the years mine overcame their issues to become strong productive, happy adults. Her eldest sold drugs to kids, the next failed at everything she tried - but I think the youngest actually turned out OK. My adopted kids did not have bad blood - only bad parents, my natural kids and they are fused into one family. All of them are decent human beings, doctors , social workers, carers, teachers. I guess a part of me is angry that she never got to see the people they became. The rest is so sad that my DC will never get to confront her with her unfairness to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bjarnum · 15/04/2022 00:08

@MissM2912
@Justmuddlingalong
@Honeyroar
@sweetbellyhigh
@thistimelastweek
@Hugasauras
@caecilius1
@InfrequentFlyer
@Caramelsmadfuzzytail
@Aquamarine1029
@Wheresmywoolyjumpers
@TheBatKeeper
@BungleandGeorge My OH did ask his other sister if she wanted to see him or not, she said just flowers and a card
@SquirrelG
@Luredbyapomegranate
Thank you all for sharing your perspectives - so kind of you all

OP posts:
lameasahorse · 15/04/2022 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PlainJaneEyre · 15/04/2022 00:24

@lameasahorse her husband is dead.

Original poster
Bjarnum · 15/04/2022 00:29

@lameasahorse Thank you for your response. In my OP I did say her husband is already dead. My sil was estranged from her father and he died with their issues still unresolved. I always thought it strange that when she knew he was dying that she still did not reach out to him. ( the resentment was on her side , not his) Although we were very disappointed about her issues with our family it was actually her decision to go nc after we called her out about her attitude to non blood relatives

OP posts:
lameasahorse · 15/04/2022 00:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

bitchymcbitch · 15/04/2022 19:13

I understand it feels hard but I would let it go. I have a similar relationship with my SIL and actively have kept my DC away from her. DH only has contact if they bump into each other, which is very rarely (twice in last five years).
Whilst I would never see her on the street or refuse any request for help, I would do no more than you have done, in your situation. Some people are just unkind, and that's their issue, not yours. Your duty is to your DC, and it sounds as if your priorities have been correct the entire time.

I hope you and your DH can be kind to yourselves during this difficult period. Thanks