Separate or me being dramatic

[weffers82]

I've been with my husband 20yr, I love him but I feel so miserable. He works 55hrs a week (45mins travel time each way), we have 3 kids age 9, 10 and 12. He leaves the house at 7.30, he gets home at 6.15ish so he doesn't really spend much time with the kids. I get up at 7.15ish, start on house work, get kids ready for school, make sure they have lunches sort uniforms do school run etc, I work mon tue wed (only 4hr days but on my feet, I work in food), I finish work pick kids up feed kids more house work, laundry then start dinner for when hubby gets home then after dinner clean up and by the time I get to sit down and relax it's almost 9, I just feel so fed up that he doesn't help with anything. He takes the kids on sat to see granny an grandpa and thinks he is giving me "time off" so I can get MORE house work done and clean all the bedding. Should it all be solely my responsibility, every time I ask him to do anything he throws it in my face about how hard he works to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and how he shouldnt have to do chores after being at work all day (he works an office job so yeah maybe mentally exhausting but not physical). Anyway, if this makes any sense at all, do i stay cos i love him, is it more important than being happy and mentally well?

I can see both sides here. On one hand, it's totally unreasonable if he gets home at 6.15pm and does nothing while you are busy doing chores until 9pm.

On the other hand, am I right in saying that (in term time) you have two days off per week while the kids are at school, as well as a few hours on Sat while they're all out of the house? That seems like loads to me! Is it really taking you all that time to do house work, as well as until 9pm every night? Maybe you could do the bedding during the week and enjoy your Saturdays off?

I'd find it pretty hard to maintain loving feelings towards someone who treated me like a rubbing rag, tbh.

Maybe you could announce that from now on you'll be working exactly the same hours he does - so anything involving housework, childcare, family admin, etc. When he's at leisure, so are you. The deficit would become apparent quite quickly.

There's nothing 'dramatic' about not wanting to be viewed as a sentient domestic appliance.

Give the kids some chores to do on Saturday mornings. They can strip their own beds. They can vacuum the living room, wipe down the bathroom and kitchen surfaces and put all their school uniforms in the wash.
The kids can set the table every night and load and unload the dishwasher. Make it their job. Bribe them/tie it into their pocket money if need be.

If he won't do more can you do less? Examine everything you do - is it really necessary? do you have to wash everything so often? Do you need to change the bedding weekly? Can you have a ready meal or takeaway once a week? etc etc.

Yeah I have thurs and Fri off but my laundry seems never ending, I cant wash it dry it quick enough to ever see the bottom of the laundry basket. It's not just house chores till 9pm but playing referee to the kids and entertaining them till bedtime, whenever kids ask dad to play games he tells them he is too tired. I have really bad anxiety so doing less isn't really an option as I can't sit down knowing a job needs to be done 😔 Maybe it is my anxiety that makes me think there is more to be done than actually needs to be doen

Could he cut down his working hours and contribute more at home if you worked more hours and were sharing the financial load a bit more equally? Could you both agree to level down your domestic standards so that you aren’t spending upwards of 40 hours a week cleaning the house and doing laundry?

You sound like your standards for the house and meals are very high. I wonder if your DH would be doing it 'right' if he did help or if you'd just end up doing it again.

Our standards are deliberately low because otherwise it's just never ending. If you were able to just be with your DH in the evening and insist you spend time together as a family, perhaps you'd all be happier? I can sort of understand why, if you are frantically busy all the time, he is alarmed at the idea of being roped into that. Not that he is behaving well! He needs to stop turning time with his children down and alter his attitude. Also, you should all be spending time together as a family at the weekend-it sounds like he nurtures his relationship with his parents more than with you. But I wonder if you stop for long enough to make yourself available.

I can’t sit down knowing a job needs to be done.

I think this is quite key. You’ve said it’s related to your anxiety (are you being treated for this?) but making extra work for yourself and being frustrated with your OH for not being on board with helping more with what he probably sees as pointless make-work is unsustainable.

He should be sharing clearing up after dinner, bath and beds for the children. You should write a weekly list of things that actually need doing and planning your time so you get a couple of hours free each day you are not working. You could also up your hours and get a cleaner to help out.

To be honest, if you work 12 hours a week and he works 55 hours this seems a fair division of labour. How on earth could you be doing more than 43 hours of housework a week? I say this as a woman who works full time. NO ONE does 43 hours of cooking/cleaning in our house.

I cannot imagine you will find life easier if you decide to separate. You will (presumably) need to find yourself a full time job and still have all the household tasks to do.

I suspect that struggling as a single parent will not make you as 'happy and mentally well' as your last sentence suggests.

To be brutally honest you need to get real. He works 55 hours a week plus 1.5 hours a day commute and you do 12. Of course you should be doing the kids/home stuff. Plus he takes them out every Saturday to give you time. You need to open your eyes and get some perspective.

On Saturdays start doing what you want to do and then give him some time to do what he wants to do. 2 days off in the week is plenty of time to get stuff done. Make weekends fun time.

I think it seems more than fair to be honest. Maybe take a day off when he's got the kids away, it sounds like you've probably got more space to rearrange your activities so you've got more time than he has. He's working a heavy amount of hours and still using one of his days off to take the kids to visit, sounds like you've got a good man there.

I’m sorry OP but your working hours equate to less than his commute - so all the hours he is working you are available for childcare and housework. There are two days where your children are at school, and another day where he takes the kids out, and you aren’t working at all. You need to work on ways to manage your “workload” rather than expecting him to help round the house more when he is working very long hours.

He should be more engaged with his children weekday evenings though.

My maths was shocking there but the point still stands in comparison that he is putting in a lot more hours.

I used to work 24hrs a week but due to covid our opening hours changed so to ensure everyone still had a job we had our hours cut. He has been working from home today, he got up made himself a coffee an sat down with his laptop for an hour then went to the barbers, came back an hour later an sat back at his laptop with a cuppa, I got up this morning, emptied dishwasher, cleaned bathroom, hoovered hall stairs landing, cleaned utility and downstairs bathroom, cleaned dining room, lounge, mopped then whilst I'm cleaning the kitchen he comes in to ask me what's for lunch 🤷‍♀️

I agree it seems like a fair split, but it doesn't really matter what I think - you're not happy with it.

Would you rather be working than doing housework? (I certainly would) If you worked more hours could that pay for a cleaner who does laundry too? And/or for a launderette to do service washes?

You do have choices, so please don't feel like separating is the only way out. But I'm not sure DH doing more is realistic during the week.

This is nothing to do with unequal workloads and everything to do with your anxiety and desire for a perfect house, clear laundry basket etc— you have 2 full days clear plus weekends so I would make a rule only to do any housework on those 2 clear days off in the week— the most you do any other nights is cook and clear away or do a shop. This is nuts amount of housework OP and that’s why it seems unfair—

Yabu regarding chores. Surely the reason you work part time is so that you can do all the cooking and cleaning - otherwise how is it fair on him? However, yes he should be spending time with the kids too

Can you cut down on the washing? Tell everyone in the house to wear things at least two or three times before putting them in the wash basket (except underwear or if stained). Wash towels, bedding and nightwear half as frequently as you currently do. Better for the environment and financially too!

I think , and I mean this gently, this is not as simple as he is wrong or you are. So on the day example you gave just now. It's not OK he asked for lunch, he can make his own lunch absolutely. However wfh is not the same as sitting down with a cuppa. At all. I wfh and believe me it can be exhausting. Usually is to be fair. You can't assume that sitting in front of a computer is not stressful , depending on what you are doing it is.

I think he seems to be taking you for granted absolutely but honestly I think you are making it harder. Like others have you sought help for your anxiety? If there are jobs you are doing because of a fear of mess etc then getting support for that will be essential.

He needs to understand that you need more support and help in a different way but 55 hours a week is a lot. So perhaps figuring out what is workable for you both? He should never be throwing the finances in your face that's not OK.

However I will say I grew up with a mother who had to aways be doing something and very often , even as an adult I can see, didn't need to be done.

I don't think you are wrong but I think this is a bit more delicate than one is right and one is wrong.

I got up this morning, emptied dishwasher, cleaned bathroom, hoovered hall stairs landing, cleaned utility and downstairs bathroom, cleaned dining room, lounge, mopped then whilst I'm cleaning the kitchen

Sounds like you do alot of housework, but to be fair he works many more hours than you do, so under those circumstances I do think that the house stuff should fall to you mostly.

Plus, if you got all that done before lunchtime today, how on earth are you doing housework until 9 every night and also on a saturday?

I work FT, single parent and have 5 dc and if I got what you've listed above done in a week, i'd be chuffed!

Maybe you need to ease off the housework a little, and try and find some fun things for yourself during the week or on saturday that are not chores. Or rope the dc in, they are plenty old enough to be doing all the things you have mentioned above.

I am a SAHM and my children empty the dishwasher, I have 2 so they do 3 days a week each before breakfast on a school day and I do the other one. Each child has a weekend load so youngest one has a Sunday and eldest one has a Monday. Your 12 year old can definitely do at least 2 a week. Maybe the younger two can do it together.

Bed stripping they can do once a week, all 3 of them. They can work as a team as maybe the 9 year old will need help. Your 12 year old should be taught how to use the washing machine so they put it on for bedding or just a load if you give instructions etc. Mine had a printed instruction sheet with which settings, where the powder went complete with photo of our actual machine. It is self reliance.

Dh would not spend much time with the children in the morning, he got himself ready, I got the children and myself ready. But evenings he was home for a family dinner and would make the children a priority for spending time with them.

Meals wise, batch cooking and a slow cooker are your friend here. Your entire free time seems to be spent doing housework which unless you live in a 20 bedroom mansion isn't right. I think maybe seeking help for your anxiety may help you.

I get the fact he's doing nothing when he gets in.

But you're only working 12 hours outside the home, and he's doing 55. Your kids are at school. Other than dinner (and associated clearing up) and homework there shouldn't be much that needs doing when he's home, or at weekends. Better time management?

But yeah, my ex husband is an ex because he left everything to me (my dc were under 3 and at home full time, he never did anything at all with/for the dc, not a single night waking, early morning or nappy)

You don't value his work at all. You give us a long list of what you've done today and his day of WFH is presented as lounging around drinking tea.
I have been a single parent, been in a relationship, worked part time and worked full time/ You have two full days a week at home, plus the majority of the other 3 working. Your kids are school aged and not even young primary, they don't need constant entertaining like toddlers.
On top of that he takes them out on a saturday so that you have more time 'off' parenting.
You could be doing all of the cleaning, washing and cooking in 3 hours a day, monday to friday. Anything above that is OTT.
So yes, you are being very dramatic.

OP I understand the desire (compulsion?) to have a perfect, organised and clean house including an empty laundry basket. But that's your choice, and it's not fair to foist your very high standards on to your DH, especially when he's putting in a long working week. If you want to be doing jobs till 9pm that's on you. It's really not fair to rope your husband into it when he's put in an eleven hour day.

I've been there myself (many years ago) and eventually I came to realise that the only person on the planet that cared if the kitchen floor was mopped daily, or the bathroom cleaned three times a week etc etc.....was me. Literally no one else in the house cared one jot. Good enough is good enough and all that.

NB I also note that you say your DH leaves for work at 7.30 am and that you get up at 7.15. You could also get up with the same time as him, and get some stuff done round the house then so you've got more free time later? Just saying.