Separate or me being dramatic

[weffers82]

I've been with my husband 20yr, I love him but I feel so miserable. He works 55hrs a week (45mins travel time each way), we have 3 kids age 9, 10 and 12. He leaves the house at 7.30, he gets home at 6.15ish so he doesn't really spend much time with the kids. I get up at 7.15ish, start on house work, get kids ready for school, make sure they have lunches sort uniforms do school run etc, I work mon tue wed (only 4hr days but on my feet, I work in food), I finish work pick kids up feed kids more house work, laundry then start dinner for when hubby gets home then after dinner clean up and by the time I get to sit down and relax it's almost 9, I just feel so fed up that he doesn't help with anything. He takes the kids on sat to see granny an grandpa and thinks he is giving me "time off" so I can get MORE house work done and clean all the bedding. Should it all be solely my responsibility, every time I ask him to do anything he throws it in my face about how hard he works to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and how he shouldnt have to do chores after being at work all day (he works an office job so yeah maybe mentally exhausting but not physical). Anyway, if this makes any sense at all, do i stay cos i love him, is it more important than being happy and mentally well?

Can you do the housework before/after your 4 hours work? Plus you’ve got all day Thursday and Friday?
Your children are old enough to shower themselves before bed, you could be clearing up after dinner at this point? I fold washing while my 8 year old reads to me before bed.
I work all school hours and until 6pm on a Friday, I do chores after school and prep dinner before I take my kids to clubs. I have 2 kids and on my own. Quick hoover when I get chance or I spend an hour or so on Saturday morning cleaning. I like quality time with my kids at weekends.
Like someone else suggested, you might be a too hard on yourself with the cleaning, you don’t need a show home.

It’s tough OP. For both of you in a way. Keeping a home going to even ordinary standards and looking after children reasonably well is heroic in my book. Life is very complex I think now, all the teccie thinks too. I don’t think there’s an easy solution. Simplifying life, easier said than done. Lower standards - I think people wash themselves, their clothes and their bedding way too much! Or a simple cleaning/admin system - there are a few on the internet so you don’t end up run ragged with no boundaries. One day a week where you do nothing!!!! Simpler food a few days a week! Some definite “me” time for you and husband. Get your kids on board too.

PS. I liked the FlyLady cleaning method - though I only do part of it - the 15 minute per room thing! Sometimes!

You are being ridiculous OP, you work 12 hours a week and have children who should be mostly self sufficient and able to tidy up after themselves!

Perhaps he asks you things like 'whats for lunch' because he sees you in charge of domestic chores because you're quite controlling about them?

I would imagine its probably exhausting living with someone who has high anxiety and wants perfection all the time.

If you did all the cleaning this morning of those rooms, when do you think you would next clean them like that? Are you going to do the same tomorrow, or is it a once a week job? (its once a week in this house!)

I’m going to go against the grain here and agree with you OP.
I’m a SAHM, my husband works 60 hours a week BUT once he puts down his pen, he sees his time as HIS time. He will sit and watch TV or head to the pub (for hours). He has never bathed or put our 3 children to bed. I don’t mind doing all the household chores as this is my responsibility BUT I did not sign up for 24/7 engagement with the children. He also has a hobby that costs 000s and takes him away from the home 1 day each weekend for 5 months.
I don’t think your problem is doing all the housework, I think your problem is his lack of family engagement beyond financial provision.
Him taking them to see granny and grandad is taking the east way out: I bet the grandparents engage with the children and he sits there reading a paper and thinks he’s doing his bit.
I’d be telling him his lack of engagement (and being unable to see the value of contribution beyond a financial one) is causing resentment.

@0606len

I’m going to go against the grain here and agree with you OP. I’m a SAHM, my husband works 60 hours a week BUT once he puts down his pen, he sees his time as HIS time. He will sit and watch TV or head to the pub (for hours). He has never bathed or put our 3 children to bed. I don’t mind doing all the household chores as this is my responsibility BUT I did not sign up for 24/7 engagement with the children. He also has a hobby that costs 000s and takes him away from the home 1 day each weekend for 5 months. I don’t think your problem is doing all the housework, I think your problem is his lack of family engagement beyond financial provision. Him taking them to see granny and grandad is taking the east way out: I bet the grandparents engage with the children and he sits there reading a paper and thinks he’s doing his bit. I’d be telling him his lack of engagement (and being unable to see the value of contribution beyond a financial one) is causing resentment.

I wonder what the layers of this are though, perhaps he has a hands off approach with the kids because OP is controlling about how things are done, her anxiety might feed into how he does things with the kids so he backs off

Agree, she needs to explain to him what the issue is and listen to his response. It may well be her anxiety is pushing him away in case he makes it worse OR he just just not see chores/children work as his role.

You’re doing a full house clean every day? Scale back. Floor doesn’t need mopping every day. Get a robot vacuum. Downstairs loo only needs cleaning when visitors are coming. I spend max an hour on cleaning per week. Bedsheets don’t need ironing. Nothing apart from kids school shirts gets ironed and sometimes even they don’t. Nobody cares and you’re just making your life hard.

You are being ridiculous op
12 hours a day week and some housework?
I will swap.

The issue is not H or your marriage. It’s your own happiness and perspective. I say this as a former single parent who had to do the jobs of both parents. If your husband did not work 55 hours a week there would be no house to clean and you are doing waaay to much cleaning. When I used to work full time as a single parent, it was difficult (but possible) to come home on a Friday night, get the laundry going, do all the main housework/cleaning and food shopping and by Saturday lunchtime everything was done. DD had her own chores to do but didn’t mind because then we could chill for the rest of the weekend; I treasure that time now, looking back. The exception was if I had to mow the lawn as well. Does DH do stuff like that at all?

I do appreciate you have 3(?) dc so that’s an enormous amount of laundry, organisation, being an emotional support, travelling about plus you have a job as well. In all honesty you’re doing the most important stuff being there for your kids.

Without DH nothing will change except you will be on your own.

IMO you need to be less concerned with housework. I hope you are at least not ironing much stuff. You need other stuff you enjoy, hobbies, time to yourself. Also aim to get dc to bed an hour earlier and stop housework at night. It’s not important. It’s doable. Have a babysitter and date nights. Do something as a family on Saturday.

My DM was obsessed with perfection and always exhausted and stressed working part time. By Saturday she was miserable and just wanted DF to take us out. We never enjoyed time as a family. I literally used to wonder why she bothered to have a family. My unhappy DM and stressful home life was hugely damaging to me as a child. I’d much preferred an untidy house and a happy, more chilled out DM who had some passion for life. Of course I had more empathy for her when I had to manage it myself! but find some purpose outside of all this. Your relationships will be a lot better for it and life is too short.

Hi OP
I work 4.5 hours a day. Are you finishing at 1 or 2? I try and remind myself that even with picking up children, I’m finishing a lot earlier than my husband at 5. I do think things are left to me but then I think the switch between work and home is harder to get used to than he realises!

Omg Op how I would have loved your life when dc were small. I was up at 5.30 am to take them swimming back at 7am breakfast whilst trying to organize supper school drop off then full day at work 5 days a week pick up from child
Minder food then off to swimming or bike ride dc bed me doing dishes and repeat. Housework on Saturday ironing Sunday night. Oh the luxury of working 12 hours a week
You need to have a word with yourself. You are lucky op many would change places with you

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus

Give the kids some chores to do on Saturday mornings. They can strip their own beds. They can vacuum the living room, wipe down the bathroom and kitchen surfaces and put all their school uniforms in the wash. The kids can set the table every night and load and unload the dishwasher. Make it their job. Bribe them/tie it into their pocket money if need be.

This is very good advice. They can prepare part of the meal a few times a week as well.

Is he doing 6 days a week? I dont understand how he’s doing 55 hours a week?
Anyway i think the real problem is lack of involvement in family life. He can surely do some things in evening. can he cook?