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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Loss of a friendship anyone been through it

34 replies

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 12:31

Best friend of 17 years is no longer returning my texts and calls and I’ve not been invited to her wedding. I feel so hurt and sad I’ve cried over it too but don’t feel I can talk to anyone in real life. It feels like I’m going through a big break up at the moment.

OP posts:

thestraitofillinois · 14/04/2022 12:33

Sorry to hear that. What's happened to cause her to cut you out like that?

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 12:40

I’ve no idea which is even worse she got with her partner and started spending lots of time with his friends and there girlfriends but still seeing me. Last summer we really picked up spending time together after lockdowns. Then it slowly whittled down to nothing. I’ve messaged her and called too many times now so I’ve stopped. I was really worried about her at one point and nearly messaged her mum as we get on to check that she was ok. But then I saw on instagram she was at her Uk hendo and going away on one in 2 weeks.

OP posts:

Greengreenhill · 14/04/2022 12:47

That’s awful for you OP. I’m sorry she’s done this to you. My advice would be to get in touch with other friends and spend time with them.

Something similar has happened to me in the last year and it’s very painful, but it says more about them than us.

Triffid1 · 14/04/2022 12:56

I'm really sorry OP.

For this to be so sudden, I'd be concerned. Either she thinks you've done something and it's so terrible you can't be forgiven but it's hard to believe that you would have no idea what this is at all.

OR.... there's something going on in her life. Personally, I'd be suspicious about her relationship. Are you the only old friend who has been ditched or are others also finding this? Because it might be that he's trying to get her away from her previous life. Sorry to be cynical.

I have a very good friend who has slowly drifted away - her choice. It is heartbreaking for me. But her life has shifted and she just doesn't have space for me. But it didn't happen overnight for no reason.

Have you sent her a message asking her specifically why you're being excluded? If not, I'd do that.

And if you have this long a friendship and a relationship with her mother, yes, I would ask her mum if everything is okay.

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 14:13

Yes I don’t want to bring her mother into it and I know she’s ok as she’s out drinking at hendo etc just so hurt by it all

OP posts:

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 15:54

I just keep thinking I must have done something wrong but can’t think what

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 14/04/2022 15:59

@Seasidesunday

I just keep thinking I must have done something wrong but can’t think what

I'm sure it's not you. Sadly I have seen this many times and had it happen a couple of times.

I know it hurts but I promise it doesn't hurt forever.

MadHatter36 · 14/04/2022 16:32

Happened to me. I had a childhood friend, we started to drift apart, she made no effort, always cancelled on me, so I gave up. I was a bridesmaid for her, but when I never asked her back she fell out with me and said she wasn’t coming my wedding. I cried for so long over it as I still wanted her at my wedding. But it does get easier I promise. Took me about 2 years to get over, but it does still feel strange.

MummyJ12 · 14/04/2022 16:40

I agree with a pp, I suspect that the issue here isn’t you. It sounds like your friend could be being isolated by her partner. Do you have any other mutual friends that you can speak with?
I think the hardest thing is not knowing what has gone wrong. Losing contact with a friend if not losing a friend is heartbreaking.

Loobiloo22 · 14/04/2022 17:26

H and I spent ten years mating about with another couple. Holidays abroad every year for ten years
Since covid I've seen them a dozen times and they book holidays without asking us if we want to go. I feel as if I've been dumped. I just think shit to them, plenty more friends to be made. They've moved on to richer friends who can afford jamaican holidays, dont let it bother you.

TheMoreYouKnow · 14/04/2022 17:30

Wonder if her fiance has anything to do with it? Can you go round to see her to ask whats going on? At least you'll have closure.

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 17:41

I don’t no where she lives now she just moved to a new house I know the area as it’s the same but not the house address. think I’m just going to leave it she has my number if she wants to speak to me one day she will.

OP posts:

DidgeDoolittle · 14/04/2022 17:46

This has happened to me recently. Very good friend of over 10 years suddenly blocked me and doesn't respond to anything. I have no idea why. I presume I've done something, but not knowing is awful. I'm so hurt by it. I do understand how you feel.

gotalittlebug · 14/04/2022 18:16

I've been very close friends with someone for almost three years, which is nothing compared to many of these stories, and they've been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now after I cancelled a day out because I had food poisoning!!

It's so hard isn't it. Best wishes OP and everyone else who has been/is going through this

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 14/04/2022 18:41

Sorry to anyone who’s also gone through this.

OP posts:

DontStopMeNow7 · 14/04/2022 19:33

I’ve just gone through the same thing.
The person who I consider my best friend who I’ve been friends with for 25 years has gradually, but very obviously dropped me. It wouldn’t feel as bad except she knows I’ve been through the same thing with family and I’ve been so ill too.

Started with her being weird and overly-jokey /defensive in texts. Then she changed to emailing me instead but not even using my new/usual email address, but using the old one I’d told her I barely accessed.

I then got a lovely birthday card saying all the right things. I replied to her email again and she completely ignored it. Again. I know it won’t be completely the same for you, but I figure one of the following applies:

-Her husband is isolating her or doesn’t like me.
-My family (who she knows) got to her
-They also have a shared religion, and the prejudice/brainwashing over my having left it might have overridden any goodness or humanity
-We’ve both changed over the years and she wants to move on. Or maybe I’ve changed; I just started a new career.
-I’ve said something inadvertently to trigger something I was unaware of or there’s something she never liked.

Thing is, most of this just doesn’t involve me doing anything wrong. I also (luckily) know other people who like me. I’ve experienced this before and it’s usually because the other person has developed some kind of new snobbishness based on a new life (have had friends ditch me when they get married) or they have a massive prejudice against me which doesn’t say much for them (sil can’t stand me because I’m different and I refuse to fit the mold).

Main point is though, it’s nearly always their issue. If not, you’d probably know that you’d done something upsetting. This is so hurtful. But if someone is capable of this, then…?

Wren44 · 14/04/2022 19:47

Something similar happened to me. It was devastating at the time as we seemed so close. I will never know the reason, and perhaps you will never know, but you will move on.

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 15/04/2022 21:31

Her mum messaged me to after I put up a photo I asked how she was but decided not to message about my friend asking if she was ok I didn’t want to bring her mum into it

OP posts:

southeastdweller · 15/04/2022 21:36

Yep, a friend of three decades ghosted me two years ago. Previously we had been through so much together since school days. I don't have any advice but I can empathise with the hurt and confusion. Ghosting someone is so cowardly .

Stretchandsnap · 15/04/2022 21:37

My best friend of 35 years dropped me out of the blue nearly 5 years ago. I have absolutely no idea why even now- one minute we were texting about meeting up, the next I was blocked on all social media and he blocked me from calling her. I was devastated and it felt almost like grief. It does get better OP. Weirdly a mutual friend from school messaged me today and said that she has just done the same to her, so that did make me feel a bit better!

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/04/2022 21:39

I had a similar thing. Someone I considered a good friend just suddenly wasn’t. No communication. I was a bit pissed off at the time but a couple of years later it still bloody hurts. I’d love to talk to her and ask her what happened. Just daren’t.

I do wonder if she thinks it’s me and is also wondering what happened though.

coronafiona · 15/04/2022 21:44

I dropped someone like this. I suddenly realised she wasn't very nice to me. She made me anxious, she was competitive and she had no empathy. I don't regret it at all and now when I see her I genuinely feel absolutely nothing. You will get over this and other friends will fill the void.

wakeupandshakeup · 15/04/2022 21:47

I had a similar situation 10+ years ago.. my best friend picked up with a guy (from my office on my promotion work drinks) the quickly vanished after my wedding with him 🥴 I never understood what I'd done, worse to I was pregnant and she never ever got to meet my child (ren). I spent some time trying to message her then the baby came and life just changed. To this day I've no idea what I'd done. I was so hurt by her actions and I've found friendships ever since very hard. I'm sorry your going through this, I feel your pain and know how it hurts. Sending hugs xx

Whatinthelord · 15/04/2022 21:48

I had similar. It was surprisingly upsetting and took ages to get over. I think it can be distressing to not know why a friend has distanced from you and it can also knock your esteem.

My friend did randomly a few times meet up and make sporadic contact ( which she initiated) but then distanced again.

I’ve had it a couple of times, which does make me question myself. However I’ve had to just choose to move on.

What helped me was actively focusing on other relationships and seeking out new social opportunities.

Original poster

Seasidesunday · 15/04/2022 23:09

She’s liked my post ok instagram I posted some old photos.

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