Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Annoyed my business is being passed on!

39 replies

annoyed2022 · 14/04/2022 11:56

Without going into too much detail, I have not been in touch with my sister for a few years. We are both early thirties and have completely different lives. I am very single and have been for a long time, whilst she is married and used to gloat about this all the time in my presence which is one of the reasons I cut her off, espcially as she knew it was a difficult thing for me being so single when I always wanted marriage and children. She on the other hand, was always more career aspirational, until she met her partner.

I also have a full time job, work hard to support just myself, its difficult and money worries me. She works part time with a wealthy husband and a nice house, so quite a contrast.

The point is, over the years my Mum has been stuck in the middle. She has told me things I would rather have not known for my own esteem, such as how well they are doing financially and that they are trying for a baby (my dream). That has made me feel jealous and really highlighted for me how much i'm failing as I didn't achieve my dream. I told her that I shouldn't know this information, it doesn't help me, and as we are not in contact and there has been some hostility in the past, That she can keep us separate.

I have also told her, to not tell sister what is happening in my life, and that it is private. I am a generally private person anyway and rarely use social media.

I'm moving soon to a modest but nice house. I am proud that I can do this, but also very sad as I would have preferred to have a partner and on the road to having a family any day. It came up in conversation with Mum that my sister asks about me, and that she now knows where it is I will be moving to. I believe she only asks my Mum in a gloating way, I can't believe it is in a genuine way, based on how she has been about her successes around me in the past.

I am furious with Mum. When I heard this I very nearly walked out. It feels like she has completely disrespected my wishes by telling my sister all about my life happenings, or 'unhappenings' compared to hers when I have told her before, please don't. I don't feel its her news to tell, particually to somebody who has in the past been pretty spiteful towards me!

Mum claims she can't lie to my sister if she asks her questions, I say that she should just say that it isn't really her business!!

Am I being unfair here?

The fact that I am jealous and bitter about my sister and hearing about her and knowing she will be gloating about me just doesn't help my mental health!

I am considering cutting my mum off for a while whilst I try to come to terms with this. As it seems like she can't keep her mouth shut.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 14/04/2022 13:39

Be very fussy with what you tell her

Acheyknees · 14/04/2022 14:10

I'm on the fence about this, how do you know your sister is 'gloating'? She may be happy that you have a new home. Your poor Mum isn't doing anything wrong I don't think. She probably just wants everyone to get on.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2022 14:14

Yes, I think walking away from your mum for a bit may be helpful. You could say to her that since she can't respect your privacy you need to take a step back from her for a while.

Hont1986 · 14/04/2022 14:15

Am I being unfair here?

Since you asked, yes I think you are being unfair. It is very normal for a family to discuss the goings-on of other family members, like career progression, pregnancies, house moves, etc. You haven't really given a reasonable expectation to her of why your sister shouldn't know these things about you.

Sorehandsandfeet · 14/04/2022 14:22

I think you are being very unfair to your mum and sister. Your post says more about you than them. You are extremely jealous of your sister but i cannot see what she has done to you, only ask about you, her sister. You 'imagine' she is asking in a gloating way, how on earth would you know? Your own jealousy is blinding you and ruining your family relationships. You would do better to focus on yourself and stop looking at others and what they have.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 14/04/2022 14:23

I think this must be really hard on your mum. When I've been in the middle in a similar way, it's very difficult to keep a mental tally of which subjects you can and can't bring up with different people. And there's always that psychological thing of when a certain name or subject is taboo, there's some weird impulse to blurt it out.

Also, with your self-confessed jealousy, I do wonder how much of your sister's 'gloating' is real and how much is you comparing yourself unfavourably to her.

You can't expect your mum to compartmentalise her daughters, so just change the subject when your sister comes up and try not to give it headspace.

RogueV · 14/04/2022 14:26

I jinn your are being unfair on your mum.
It’s not your sisters fault that she is married and is trying for a baby. You sound extremely jealous. Seems like it’s your own insecurities getting in the way.
Your poor mum.

Thatsajokeright · 14/04/2022 14:30

OP. I get it. You've asked her not to share what you tell her. Whether she agrees or not she should respect that.

I can't imagine being bullied by my sister and never being able to escape from her.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP.

waterboats · 14/04/2022 14:36

We can't tell from this one, or for what it's worth any number of posts, the reality of your family relationships, but here in your OP you sound incredibly upset and jealous that your sister has "accomplished" the life you wished for and this is causing a massive strain on your family. Your mother can't be expected to deal with this type of disfunction between her daughters. My impression is that you are seeing things through the lens of someone who is hurting about her own life, and therefore not objectively, but as I said before, we can't tell the ins and outs from one post.

baileys6904 · 14/04/2022 14:40

I think you are angry that life hasn't turned out the way you'd hoped it would for yourself, but has for your sister. It's easier to divert that at your sister rather than deal with the perceived loss.
Your mum is stuck in the middle and maybe have been able to see the negative emotions for what they are and hope to resolve.

I lost my brother when I was 18. We werent close but I can tell you now, nearly 30 years later I still miss that I will never speak to him again and have that sibling relationship that I would love. Don't be like me

sobeyondthehills · 14/04/2022 14:42

If I dont want anything passed on, I dont tell my mum. My situation is slightly different to you, but I have learnt that my mum will tell everyone everything, so I just stopped telling her things, I didnt want passing on.

I know it can be hard when you are excited about things and want to share it with your loved ones, but its worth it for peace of mind

PragmaticWench · 14/04/2022 14:46

Your Mum is pretty much stuck in the middle, I feel for her. Perhaps it's time, for your Mum's sake, to speak properly with your sister and fully discuss why your sibling relationship has deteriorated so far. Maybe have some counselling yourself first to work out how you could approach this.

Nothing will change for your poor Mum until you deal with this properly.

PrinnyPree · 14/04/2022 14:48

OP do you think your sister was really gloating or do you think that may have just been your perception that has been filtered through your own self admitted jealousy. Your sister may genuinely be asking after you, not to gloat but because she is interested in your life and is perhaps bewildered why you have cut her out of your life for the crime of her having an (on the surface) nice family life.

Please stop punishing yourself with horrific comparison it'll suck the life out of you. And don't cut your mother out, unless there has been abuse from your sister to you she will just want to see her daughters make ammends.

Unless there's more to it you are being a bit unreasonable. X

ApathyMartha · 14/04/2022 14:52

Completely understand OP as I have a similar situation. It does look as though you’ll have to minimise what you tell your mum though

DFOD · 14/04/2022 15:09

What was your up brining like?

It seems that your response is brittle and bitter and this is only hurting you - especially if you cut out your DM.

billyt · 14/04/2022 15:10

I'm pretty sure annoyed2022 can tell if her sister is bloody gloating or not. I think I always knew exactly what my low-life siblings are thinking.

She also admits she's jealous and bitter, so no point some posters bringing that up as a dig.

Her issue is, she asked her mum NOT to pass on information. Her mum could have said nothing, but instead told all.

OP, I'd limit what you tell your mum. If she can't refrain from passing info on, don't tell her anything you want kept close.

Dragonsmother · 14/04/2022 15:16

Don’t cut your mum off!
You need family and friends and you need to find a way to deal with this situation without it affecting your relationship with your mum.
What harm is it doing to you if your sister knows about your life? You are no contact so it’s not like she is saying anything to you.
Also you make it clear you want a partner and children. What is stopping you going outside there to find a partner?

I didn’t meet my OH until I was 35, I watched my siblings and friends marry, have children buy the dream house. I know it’s not comfortable when that’s your dream but you are hurting yourself mentally and emotionally move than your sister is.

beachcitygirl · 14/04/2022 15:17

I feel sorry for your mum & your sister. You sound like a bitter & unreasonable jealous person. Get help.

duskyspringfield · 14/04/2022 15:20

Maybe the Dsis will have grown up a bit by now? (You never know!)

I’d keep a good relationship with your mum as much as possible. Being in the middle is crap.

You seem pretty unhappy… Have you or would you consider discussing this with a friend or therapist?

Hope90x · 14/04/2022 15:21

I think if you have a good relationship with your Mum, you are being unfair on her.
Kindly ask her not to disclose anything personal about your life but you are putting her in an awkward position to expect her to either lie to your sister when asked a direct question or to respond "I'm not allowed to tell you."
Moving house is something people learn about others by default, generally. I think you're being sensitive and a little hard on your Mum who is trying to maintain a relationship with both of you.

CantGetDecentNickname · 14/04/2022 15:21

YANBU
Your wishes were for her to stop telling you your sister's business and to stop telling her yours. It would not be difficult for your DM to stop talking about DSis and to simply say, "sorry, I can't talk about Annoyed's business, you'll have to ask her" to your DSis. Your DM doesn't have to lie to DSis and you didn't ask her to. I'd be annoyed with her and no, she doesn't get to play the victim here; she has disrespected your request.

In the future, you're going to have to not tell your DM anything you don't want passed on as you now know you can't trust her not to and she has no intention of changing. When she starts talking about DSis you'll have to shut her down with a "please stop; I don't wish to hear this" or walking out if she continues. Your visits may be shorter for a while.

I think some PP have read the situation differently, but I'm seeing you as someone who wants to move on with their life and not have to keep comparing yourself with your DSis and are trying to do this by going NC and not being involved in her business. You are trying to get on with your life and your DM isn't helping by bringing it up and reminding you all the time. You could try quietly explaining to your DM that her behaviour is unsupportive and unhelpful to you and you are just trying to get on with things, plus it's making you unwell and ask her if that is her intention? I doubt it will make her change as she probably thinks you are in the wrong and she knows better.

Haffiana · 14/04/2022 15:27

I wouldn't put up with one of my daughters telling me what I can tell her and what I can tell my other children purely due to her jealousy. Your mum has a heart large enough to encompass all her children.

If you are so affected by this then the only answer is to not see your mother either. Then you can live in your own comfortable bubble.

Giveitall · 14/04/2022 15:34

You are entitled to have a private life & ask for your news not to be repeated elsewhere. However, I can also see how that might be hard for your dear mum to understand.

In your shoes, I’d be economical with my news & for a while put some space between you & mum. You don’t have to make a big thing of it nor even tell her. Just give yourself some headspace & look fwd to your house move.
I am inclined to only share information on a “need to know” basis but that’s with outsiders. I don’t have any privacy issues with my mum, siblings or children.
Good luck in your new home. Life turns on a sixpence & none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Keep the faith & fingers crossed & with an open relaxed mind one day your dream will be fulfilled. You’ll see.

girlmom21 · 14/04/2022 15:36

She could just be genuinely interested and miss you.

CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 15:38

You are being unreasonable to your poor mum OP, it's not fair to ask her to be stuck in the middle.

Have you ever had help with your insecurities before ? It might help you feel a bit better about yourself and your own achievements.

In which way do you think your sister is sneering at you ?
Me and my sisters all have very different lives and financial situations (me being the poor one!) and I cant imagine being anything but pleased for them.

Where do these feelings come from ?

Flip

1 2