Annoyed my business is being passed on!

[annoyed2022]

Without going into too much detail, I have not been in touch with my sister for a few years. We are both early thirties and have completely different lives. I am very single and have been for a long time, whilst she is married and used to gloat about this all the time in my presence which is one of the reasons I cut her off, espcially as she knew it was a difficult thing for me being so single when I always wanted marriage and children. She on the other hand, was always more career aspirational, until she met her partner.

I also have a full time job, work hard to support just myself, its difficult and money worries me. She works part time with a wealthy husband and a nice house, so quite a contrast.

The point is, over the years my Mum has been stuck in the middle. She has told me things I would rather have not known for my own esteem, such as how well they are doing financially and that they are trying for a baby (my dream). That has made me feel jealous and really highlighted for me how much i'm failing as I didn't achieve my dream. I told her that I shouldn't know this information, it doesn't help me, and as we are not in contact and there has been some hostility in the past, That she can keep us separate.

I have also told her, to not tell sister what is happening in my life, and that it is private. I am a generally private person anyway and rarely use social media.

I'm moving soon to a modest but nice house. I am proud that I can do this, but also very sad as I would have preferred to have a partner and on the road to having a family any day. It came up in conversation with Mum that my sister asks about me, and that she now knows where it is I will be moving to. I believe she only asks my Mum in a gloating way, I can't believe it is in a genuine way, based on how she has been about her successes around me in the past.

I am furious with Mum. When I heard this I very nearly walked out. It feels like she has completely disrespected my wishes by telling my sister all about my life happenings, or 'unhappenings' compared to hers when I have told her before, please don't. I don't feel its her news to tell, particually to somebody who has in the past been pretty spiteful towards me!

Mum claims she can't lie to my sister if she asks her questions, I say that she should just say that it isn't really her business!!

Am I being unfair here?

The fact that I am jealous and bitter about my sister and hearing about her and knowing she will be gloating about me just doesn't help my mental health!

I am considering cutting my mum off for a while whilst I try to come to terms with this. As it seems like she can't keep her mouth shut.

:(

In the kindest possible way I think you are being totally unfair to your mum and actually have caused this divide with your sister. I think your perception of the situation is screwed because you are so focused on what your sister has and you don't have, basically you sound extremely jealous. You say she 'gloats' about her relationship etc. but I'd be asking myself is that really what she was doing or was she sharing her good news/happiness with her sister?

Talk to your sister lay it all out in the table and then stop focusing on what she has that you don't and focus on making your live happy rather than one filled with regret and bitterness.

Since you're early thirties why is it not a possibility for you to get pregnant or find a partner?

It's hardly the secret of the century is it? It's not really even particularly personal information, it's the kind of thing that work colleagues who don't know each other well might pass on in a bit of chit chat. You're placing a huge amount of pressure on your mum, if she refuses to discuss you at all with your sister then that could damage her own relationship with her daughter. It's not like she's passing on information about your innermost thoughts and feelings, she's just mentioning in general terms that you're moving house.

Honestly even if your sister is indeed an evil gloating witch, your reaction to the situation is disproportionate and it seems that even though you've cut her off you're still somewhat unhealthily obsessed with her. I think talking to a therapist or neutral third party could help with some strategies to brush this stuff off a bit more easily.

www.psychalive.org/how-to-deal-with-jealousy/

This is a great article and might help you feel more settled in yourself.

I had the same with my mum telling my brother and my cousins (none of whom I speak to) my business. Now I tell my mum next-to-nothing so she has nothing to pass on. It makes for very short conversations these days.

For those asking how I know my sister is gloating. I knew her very very well (of course) and know how judgemental she can be.

Class was always very important to her growing up, have to have the designer things, the best car, be popular etc. I am quite different to her in that sense in that those things are not important to me, what's important to me is being comfortable and happy. We didn't grow up in a particually wealthy household, although she liked to TRY to appear that way. Like she would say to people we lived in the 'better' area of our city when we both knew full well we were really slightly in the worse part, just on the border.

She broke up with somebody years ago because she didn't like the way he dressed and because he wore basic trainers is another example.

Because of this, I feel unsettled knowing she will be looking down on me. My home will be basic compared to hers. My life is incomplete compared to hers. I guess overall it taps into the insecurity that i'm not 'good enough'. Its like how you don't want to appear unsuccessful to old enemies, and how you gloat slightly when someone you see that 'did you wrong' isn't doing to well, thats how I can imagine she is feeling about me.

You are being unfair to your mum to expect her not to pass on simple bits of information like you’re moving house.

Things like that about random family members are normal conversation between me and my mum, and I’d find it really hurtful if someone just didn’t want me to know something that basic for no reason. Things like moving house aren’t private, sensitive information.

I still can’t see what your sister (or your mum) have done wrong here.

It’s fine to want to buy nice things and have less of them - I would do that.

Has your sister actually said your life is incomplete compared to hers, or is it just you saying that?

@annoyed2022

For those asking how I know my sister is gloating. I knew her very very well (of course) and know how judgemental she can be.

Class was always very important to her growing up, have to have the designer things, the best car, be popular etc. I am quite different to her in that sense in that those things are not important to me, what's important to me is being comfortable and happy. We didn't grow up in a particually wealthy household, although she liked to TRY to appear that way. Like she would say to people we lived in the 'better' area of our city when we both knew full well we were really slightly in the worse part, just on the border.

She broke up with somebody years ago because she didn't like the way he dressed and because he wore basic trainers is another example.

Because of this, I feel unsettled knowing she will be looking down on me. My home will be basic compared to hers. My life is incomplete compared to hers. I guess overall it taps into the insecurity that i'm not 'good enough'. Its like how you don't want to appear unsuccessful to old enemies, and how you gloat slightly when someone you see that 'did you wrong' isn't doing to well, thats how I can imagine she is feeling about me.

“I am quite different to her in that sense in that those things are not important to me, what's important to me is being comfortable and happy.”

If they are not important to you then why are you jealous? If she actively “gloats” then it can’t have any impact on you if you are indifferent to her aspirations and standards.

I think you sound as judgmental as you say she is and it seems to be a huge burden to carry with negative impact on your relationship with your own mother. Seems like you are inadvertently cutting off your nose to spite your face. I hope that you can become indifferent and move on with happiness and confidence in your own choices and achievements as bitterness is not an attractive attribute to any friendship or potential mate.

I do think you're being a bit unfair on your mum. I would be difficult if she was spreading really personal information like something that you were struggling with or how much money you had on your mortgage. But you moving house may actually a difficult thing to not talk about (eg casually mentioning she is going to visit you or help you move into your new house, which is actually talking about herself)

My DB is very secretive about his own business but always wants to ask info about me and our other siblings. And I know it's not being asked about in a nice way. He's a multi millionaire and he once directly asked my DM how much I earned. She told him and I was furious.

I get it OP and I don’t think you’re BU. I can’t comment on your sister’s perspective, obviously, but I do understand the desire to keep personal information to yourself when someone has hurt you so badly. I have also distanced myself from people who haven’t respected that. I don’t believe anybody has a right to talk about someone else who is uncomfortable with that, no matter how close the relationship.

As long as you’re clear with your mum, I think that’s fine; of course she may not be comfortable not sharing things with your sister and may want to be lower contact with you as a result.

It’s clear that you and your sister are in different paths, and if you haven’t been in touch for a while, the gal has widened. But you are driving a deeper wedge by involving your mother. Do you ever see a time in the future when you might meet your nieces or nephew, or when you might want your own children to meet their cousins? You risk the danger of painting yourself into a corner and isolating yourself from the whole family on a permanent basis. You’ve a long life ahead of you, you’re single, perhaps you have a strong friendship group, but it sounds to me like you need to resolve some issues about other people’s lives and finding pride and confidence in your own.

There is a huge gap between not lying and not telling. You are not asking her to lie at all, you are just asking her not to talk about you. It is completely different. You may have to tell her that you dont feel you can disclose information to her if she is going to pass it on and you feel very sad about that. You are absolutely not unreasonable here.