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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

10 years 2 kids and he leaves with no warning

27 replies

Vbeli7 · 13/04/2022 22:38

I have been with my partner 10 years we have a 4 and 3 year old, I thought everything was fine I mean I knew our relationship maybe wasn't the best I work full time he works 7 days and we have the kids a dog the house ...but he has just decided he is miserable and has been pretending not to be for months , he said he needs to be alone and focus on himself and his wellbeing as he feels low and needs to make himself a priority. I have tried talking saying we can work on things now I know but nothing is accepted. He ignores my texts and attempts to talk about what this all means and has gone to stay with a friend. I'm literally at a loss I am soo upset and drained I just.dont know what to do x

OP posts:
MissMogwai · 13/04/2022 22:54

Hello OP

How horrible, you must be completely shell shocked.

It's all well and good he wants to 'focus on himself' ffs, but how selfish to flounce off leaving you to deal with his bombshell and the kids etc.

Nothing I can say will make it better but there are loads of people on here who have been where you are right now, me included; so there's lots of support here for you.

Banjjoo3 · 14/04/2022 08:49

So sorry you are going through this, I have just been through something similar. After finally getting bored of his to and fro ing, I lacked him a suitcase and told him to either go for good, or stay and work through it. He took the suitcase, but within hours was back in contact. Maybe let him go fully, see where his true heart lies x

Fireflygal · 14/04/2022 09:46

I'm so sorry...I suspect OW.

The rewriting history and just leaving is classic behaviour.

What would his reaction be if you said "I feel the same so can you take on 50% childcare".

ExplodingCarrots · 14/04/2022 09:51

Yep rewriting history and the textbook 'need to go off and focus on myself' ...ie: go and fuck about with OW to see if it works out with them. Whilst leaving you dangling .

Porcupineintherough · 14/04/2022 09:52

Maybe another woman but did you honestly think things were ok with him working 7 days a week? Someone working 7 days a week is a huge indication that things are not working, no one can sustain that.

Crystalvas · 14/04/2022 10:02

Making himself a priority, Is he too thick to realise when you have DC they are the priority not him. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I suspect an OW. Tell him not to bother comming home. Save youself any more heartache.

Original poster
Vbeli7 · 14/04/2022 10:15

I always questioned why and said it wasn't healthy money wasnt everything and he always said it was for the money for the future and to give a good impression at work for progression x

OP posts:
TeeBee · 14/04/2022 10:20

I smell a bit fat rat. Working 7 days a week? Yeah right. Are you sure he's actually been there?
Get your financials sorted OP. Doesn't bode well to me.

Apricot10 · 14/04/2022 10:25

Been there OP. It is utterly devastating mainly at how selfish they truly are. In my case it was OW, they moved in together shortly after leaving me to navigate the pandemic etc alone with two children.
All I can say now is don't beg him to come back, just get on with everyday life the best you can and just take a week or two to process things.
I found the posters on here really kept me going through this time. So keep talking if you need to.Flowers

CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 11:23

Been there OP. You will get through this. Its a really tough few months with many ups and downs.

Gather support from friends and family. Remember this man isnt your friend. Do not beg to get him back (you will regret it). Only speak to him about the divorce and kids. Get copies of financial information.

It's hard I know, gut wrenching and knocks you off kilter.

Prepare for another women to pop out of the woodwork Flowers

YRGAM · 14/04/2022 11:27

Do you have family or close friends around you who could come and stay with you for a while?

Emmelina · 14/04/2022 11:29

“Cherchez la femme”
I’m sorry, but this is the script Flowers

inmyslippers · 14/04/2022 11:33

So sorry. What a coward. They'll be another woman. He's weighing up his options

Belinda61 · 14/04/2022 11:39

I was somewhere similar last summer. A lot of people told me to expect another woman. There wasn't. He literally did want to put himself first, amazing that a parent can suddenly decide that's a bloody priority.

It's been awful, so sending big hugs.

Try wherever you can to look after yourself very kindly, like you would a friend. Whatever that looks like, download books you want, buy treats you want, watch things on the TV that you really enjoy. And do lots of activities you actually enjoy with the kids too. This has helped me, as otherwise I zone out from them a bit as I'm so distracted, but they need the attention more than ever.

Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2022 11:40

Tbf, 10 years, 2 kids - and still no sign of wedding ring? I would have been inclined to think he was always looking for a better offer from the start.

Speak with a solicitor n start taking whatever steps you need to on preteting your assets and child support. He'll expect you to sit about blindsided, don't!

CaveMum · 14/04/2022 11:43

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid, as several others have said, I suspect there is someone else he is either already with or trying to get with.

You need to focus on you and the kids here. What is your housing situation - renting or mortgaged? Who's name is it all in? You say "DP" so I'm guessing you are not married which doesn't put you in a great position, but if you are jointly named on the rental agreement/mortgage that is something.

Don't let him leave you dangling, if he's not answering calls to make arrangements about the kids then you need to put in a CM claim asap as well as checking what other benefits you may be entitled to.

Jk987 · 14/04/2022 11:51

How heartbreaking. Whatever happens he must look after the kids. You need a break and they need his time (and financial contributions).

myceliumama · 14/04/2022 11:54

Have you seen water slips that actually show all this overtime?

I recon another woman is there too. Especially as he won't answer the phone. He's with her.

Rememberitwell · 14/04/2022 11:56

Who’s the ‘friend’ he’s staying with?

Triffid1 · 14/04/2022 12:11

I'm always surprised at how these men say, with a completely straight face, "I need time for me" and disappear off, abandoning not just their partner but their children. What wankers.

I suspect there's more to this too. You should protect yourself. I also am dubious about the 7 days a week working..... I worked in investment banking and even there, 7 days a week, every week, all day would be considered a health hazard. Being on CALL 7 days a week, sure, pretty common, but not at-the-office-all-day 7 days a week.

GettingItOutThere · 14/04/2022 12:14

he's with her

im sorry OP, start getting your ducks in a row and play hard ball

StormTreader · 14/04/2022 13:02

Staying with "a friend", hmm......

Original poster
Vbeli7 · 14/04/2022 14:33

Thanks everyone, I've asked multiple times is it someone else and he denies it he said originally that he feels he is only part of the house to pay the bills and make teas, I said understood relationships can slip with kids (we have no childcare etc)and now I knew how he felt we could work on things but he says he feels to bad and needs time to see how he feels ...
It's just so hard to process and decide what to do, give him space and see what happens? Or take his decision away x

OP posts:
cptartapp · 14/04/2022 14:36

Well he can be alone half the week. The other half he'll have to be solely responsible for 24/7 childcare. Remind him of that.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 15:05

Thanks everyone, I've asked multiple times is it someone else and he denies it

They always deny it, op. There another woman. I'm sorry. Tell the prick he can stay gone.

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