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Original poster

DP looking at younger woman

52 replies

grossedout133 · 13/04/2022 12:57

I know that men look at women etc that's fine - it's human nature to look at attractive people.

My DP (45years) doesn't usually look at other women, but that's because he has a clear thing for a particular type of woman who we don't come across very often.

A few times over the years, he has taken a double glance at young women in their very early 20s. Usually very tall, blonde, and very young looking - barely out of their teens. Total opposite to me.

Again this doesn't happen very often, but last week, he saw a woman working in a cafe, and he stopped and looked up instinctively to check her out. Then when we were leaving, he spun his body around,, stood infront of me, staring over my head, and stared at her for around 5-8 seconds. It was long enough.

To be fair, she was very pretty, but very very young looking. Just too young. Maybe barely out of sixth form or first year of uni.

I'm sure she noticed, and felt completely icked out by him. I know, because as a 21 year old, I had much older men glaring at me. And I still do. It's so grim, especially when the man is with his partner. It makes me sick to my stomach. By the way, I'm not insecure of self conscious. I am happy with who I am and how I look.

The other week, I had an extremely good looking and younger man stop and check me out in this way - head spinning around to look at me, infront of my DP. He didn't like it one bit. But he didn't say anything. And I haven't said anything about him checking out this young women barely out of school/their teens.

I am so grossed out by his behaviour and struggling to think how I can stay with him. He wouldn't cheat, I don't think, but he clearly has a thing for much younger women, and I would be mortified to have babies with him, in case he behaves this way in front of our children, as he can't even control himself around me.

Not sure why I am posting. I can't speak to anyone about this IRL. It's so awful. I've never had a man behave like this in front of me.

OP posts:
ThistlesAndUnicorns · 13/04/2022 15:11

[quote Poppy1996]@ThistlesAndUnicorns your comment hit the nail on the head!![/quote]
It's actually depressing that this misogynistic behaviour still mostly goes unchallenged!

AbiSarcasmLoading · 13/04/2022 15:27

If he does this in front of you what's he doing behind your back? Totally disrespectful - particularly if you've told him before that you don't like it and he's laughed it off. Sounds like he needs to go - what a creep.

thestraitofillinois · 13/04/2022 15:29

Tell him to stop doing it.

If he comes back with some quip about you having nothing to worry about, explain to him how 21 year olds feel when much older men look at them. Tell him it can make them feel objectified, it can make them feel unsafe, that to them he's just a disgusting old man, that they should be able to go about their day without getting leered at. Ask him to think back to when he was 21 and what he would have thought if some sad old bastard had leered at his 21 year old girl friends. Tell him he's a laughing stock. If that doesn't work, go for the kill and focus on some aspect of his (lack of) sexual prowess. This seriously has to stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2022 15:34

I was this blonde girl. And it started at 11 yo by fully grown men. He's a pig. I'd dump him and tell him exactly why.

Original poster
grossedout133 · 13/04/2022 15:45

MrsTerryPratchett Started when I was 12. And I thought it would have stopped now I'm nearly 40, but sadly not because I've always looked very young for my age. It's so grim. I don't want to speak to him about it again. I'd rather just dump him.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 13/04/2022 15:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BlametheMachines · 14/04/2022 03:15

My ex did this constantly but it was part of a ploy to make me feel like shit about myself. No surprises that it eventually worked but then I got wise and dumped him. He is giving you the message that he gives zero shits about you, he gives no shits about the women he is objectifying, and to be frank, if he feels no compunction about doing this in front of you, then it is highly, highly likely that he is up to a lot worse behind your back. People show you who they are eventually. I'd say you are with a lecherous, misogynistic womaniser. Watch out! Good, kind men do not do this.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 14/04/2022 03:19

Tell him he's a laughing stock. If that doesn't work, go for the kill and focus on some aspect of his (lack of) sexual prowess

I'm not sure why this suggestion, or some variation of it, comes up on her time after time as some sort of surefire way to emasculate and humiliate men. The vast majority of them will immediately recognise it in context, i.e. a pointless ad hominem attack launched out of desperation and for lack of anything of substance, and laugh it off.

Seriously, don't bother. You just make yourself look like a simpleton who can't formulate a cogent argument.

WTF475878237NC · 14/04/2022 03:53

You can just dump him, but you're not really doing much for the good of the younger women who he's doing this too if you don't say this behaviour is unacceptable. Personally I'd tell him why you're dumping him first!

Lampzade · 14/04/2022 03:58

He sounds creepy and disgusting. I feel second hand embarrassment for him.
I would lose respect for him and would dump him to be honest.
I would be upset if he was ogling any woman in my presence, but the fact that the girls are extremely young makes it even more icky.
Yuck

LetitiaLeghorn · 14/04/2022 04:05

I hope you had a go at the guy who grossed you out by giving you the once over. Ugh.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 14/04/2022 04:14

I don't know why you are with him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/04/2022 05:22

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

The issue here isn't you or DP being humiliated. He is being disrespectful to you, yes, which is one issue but he seems to think it's ok as you've 'nothing to worry about'...well of course in that way, none of these young women are going to be interested.

What you NEED to get him to realise is how unsettling and often frightening it is to be a young woman trapped in a situation where an older man (and stranger) is blatantly leering at them for a prolonged period.

People glance at an attractive person but I remember very well how uncomfortable and intimidated it made me feel as a young woman....even now in my late 30s it unsettles me.

Would he stare at a man for that length of time? I'm not talking about in a sexual way but just staring for 5 - 8 seconds. I would imagine not because he'd probably be challenged with 'what the fuck are you looking at?' as no one likes being stared at by strangers. Young women (for the most part) will not be confident enough to do this.

I hope one does call him out one day and he realises what a creep he is.

Well said.
Grimsknee · 14/04/2022 06:07

@ThistlesandUnicorns with respect, I think this man already understands, and he does this behaviour because he KNOWS how uncomfortable and intimidated it makes young women feel. Men do this to remind women that they are more powerful and can do what they want. OP "getting him to realise" isn't going to change anything.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 20:00

[quote Grimsknee]@ThistlesandUnicorns with respect, I think this man already understands, and he does this behaviour because he KNOWS how uncomfortable and intimidated it makes young women feel. Men do this to remind women that they are more powerful and can do what they want. OP "getting him to realise" isn't going to change anything.[/quote]
I do actually agree with you. I suppose I always hope that someone might not always understand the gravity of their actions and once they do, that's one more person who won't behave like that in the future.

I have been called naive many times throughout my life, I won't lie!

RosiePosieDozy · 14/04/2022 20:03

Ugh. I wouldn't deal with this. I would just leave him. You shouldn't have to talk to him a our this.

BOOTS52 · 14/04/2022 20:15

Tell him he is disgusting and how women do not appreciate men old enough to be their dad staring at them. Tell him if he does this again he can feck right off.

Grimsknee · 14/04/2022 22:34

@ThistlesAndUnicorns lol i usually like to believe in people's capacity for change but I read this thread the day after going out to dinner with my (older looking) teenager and staring down two successive gross men who stood in our path to leer at her and tell her how beautiful she is.
I should remember the rest of the men we encountered who behaved like normal human beings!

Littlebylittlelittle · 14/04/2022 23:20

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Tell him he's a laughing stock. If that doesn't work, go for the kill and focus on some aspect of his (lack of) sexual prowess

I'm not sure why this suggestion, or some variation of it, comes up on her time after time as some sort of surefire way to emasculate and humiliate men. The vast majority of them will immediately recognise it in context, i.e. a pointless ad hominem attack launched out of desperation and for lack of anything of substance, and laugh it off.

Seriously, don't bother. You just make yourself look like a simpleton who can't formulate a cogent argument.

What a strange post Why do you think that telling him what is usually the TRUTH about their lack of sexual prowess , lacks in substance 99 percent of the old codgers I’ve known who behave like this are as sexy as wet rags and from what I’ve heard can’t get it up anyway Are you a male by chance ? Very very odd response
Littlebylittlelittle · 14/04/2022 23:22

@XDownwiththissortofthingX
Ftr this isn’t the approach I’d take , I’d simply dump him as I couldn’t stand to be around the sleaze but I’m wondering what approach you would suggest a woman take with a man who behaves like this ?

MarilynValentine · 14/04/2022 23:28

Dump him. He’s a very lowly specimen. You would be devaluing yourself to keep him in your life and endorse him with your continued relationship.

The spinning round and staring over your head thing sounds designed to make it clear to you that he thinks he is entitled to leer at very young girls and make them uncomfortable and you should just deal with it.

EarthSight · 14/04/2022 23:37

Then when we were leaving, he spun his body around,, stood infront of me, staring over my head, and stared at her for around 5-8 seconds. It was long enough

I feel embarrassed on your behalf. When I was younger and working in customer service, I was well aware of when men looked at me in this way or were staring, You can see quite a bit from your peripheral vision as well.

Bouledeneige · 14/04/2022 23:39

It's not a thing about you having anything to worry about. It's that he's being a leery dirty old man that is making young women uncomfortable. My DD21 talks about how disgusting it is when men behave like that to her - it's revolting. He can help it - he just doesn't want to. We can all stop ourselves staring at people because it's rude.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 15/04/2022 00:43

[quote Grimsknee]@ThistlesAndUnicorns lol i usually like to believe in people's capacity for change but I read this thread the day after going out to dinner with my (older looking) teenager and staring down two successive gross men who stood in our path to leer at her and tell her how beautiful she is.
I should remember the rest of the men we encountered who behaved like normal human beings![/quote]
I'm dreading it for my young daughter in the future. I may act measured in this post but I am quite sure I'll go nuts if I catch anyone doing it to her! Hopefully I'm teaching her not to stand for it but in practice it's not as easy to confront someone older and in most cases, physically stronger. Hope your DD was ok!

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2022 08:55

He sounds disgusting. Is he disrespectful in any other ways?

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