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Relationships

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Original poster

Should you judge someone for their past?

34 replies

uclmerc · 13/04/2022 10:09

I've recently met a guy (34 yo) through a friend of mine and we clicked and have been seeing each other for a few weeks. He treats me really well (drops things to come and look after me when I'm ill, replies to my messages in a timely manner, in short, he's there), things seem natural with him and we both seem to want the same things, but I have recently had a few doubts.

We were speaking very openly about values and past relationships, and he openly told me that he has once cheated on a partner after a difficult break-up when he was a lot younger, but that that is no longer something he does... He said he regrets it and that there were no excuses but, as someone who's been hurt before, I am understandably very hesitant to continue. My previous partner cheated on me and would go out on benders without contacting me for 24 hours afterwards; this new guy is also someone who goes out quite a lot, so I'm concerned that that would trigger me. I expressed my doubts very openly to him and he said that this is a period he's been through at the age of 20 but that he now knows that this is "not how a relationship works."

Should I cut things off or should I accept that we all go through wild phases and that this is in the past?

OP posts:

loves2plan · 13/04/2022 10:11

I don't think you should judge someone for a mistake they made circa 14 years ago. Especially when they openly told you about it and expressed that they regret it.

sweetbellyhigh · 13/04/2022 10:12

Yes absolutely.
Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

TibetanTerrah · 13/04/2022 10:18

People can make stupid mistakes they won't repeat, but some of those mistakes are an indication of their deeper character.

Cheating is one of those things I think. Also he has, perhaps unintentionally, planted a seed of doubt that he may cheat in the future, that he's capable of lying convincingly and leading a double life, and if he did cheat in the future he's already absolved himself, "you knew what I was like when we met, I was upfront about it".

Personally I couldn't be doing with the doubt. Past violence is pretty much my only other red line like this. Some past actions reflect who they really are when the chips are down.

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/04/2022 10:19

If he cheated on a partner after a difficult breakup then how was it cheating?
What kind of cheating was it? A ONS in early 20s is very different to an affair. But if you're looking for a long term relationship and you're already worried that his lifestyle of going out a lot isn't compatible with yours, for whatever reason, I'd be wary of that. The nice behaviour you describe is really just bare minimum consideration for a partner, and shouldn't be extraordinary.

GreyCarpet · 13/04/2022 10:20

It depends on what it is really.

In your shoes, I'd say your response to it is potentially going to be more of an issue for you than the likelihood of him doing it again.

I'll be honest, when I was around 20, I thought nothing of going out and copping off with someone when I had a boyfriend. I don't think I even considered whether they did or not.

Nowadays, I wouldn't dream of it or cheating on anyone, under any circumstances with anyone. It's really back and white to me and a lot of it is because of how I view my behaviour when I was younger. It's why I feel so strongly about it now.

My ex husband cheated on me 10 years ago. He's marrying her this year. I know for an absolute fact he'd never cheat on her. I'd bet my house on it. He fell in love and didn't handle it properly, had therapy after we split up and offered me a heartfelt apology.

It's nonsense that it's always a predictor of future behaviour.

thestraitofillinois · 13/04/2022 10:21

Not judge him, no, but use that information to make an informed decision is perhaps a better way of looking at it? Might you two be incompatible anyway, considering you mention he goes out quite a lot (am assuming you wouldn't be going with him)?

summericecream · 13/04/2022 10:21

You could go slow and give them a chance. Everyone changes as they are growing up so they could be a completely different person now, its good that he was honest with you but look after yourself first

DenholmElliot · 13/04/2022 10:23

It really depends what you're looking for. If you're looking for someone pleasant who is good company and you want to date him for a while then I don't see a problem.

If you're looking for a husband, avoid. In short, boyfriend material, not husband material.

Chestofdraws · 13/04/2022 10:25

No. Not a twenty year old cheating on a girlfriend as they break up. Couldn’t give a shit and certainly wouldn’t classify her as having been his partner.

I’d judge many other things, but no not that, but if you can’t cope with him going out end it. You can’t control him like that, and don’t do it in a way of “if you keep going out I’m going to bin you”.

If you need to find someone who has a poor social life and never cheated as a teen or twenty year old you will be narrowing your pool drastically.

Have you considered therapy?

Baby3at40 · 13/04/2022 10:25

I'm nearly 40 now but when I was 21 I cheated on a partner and the experience was awful. I can't imagine ever doing that to anyone again.

You change from 21 to 25, from 25 to 30 from 30 to 35 and so on...

For me it was a huge learning experience of what not to do. I know 100% I'll never do anything like that again. I have a 21 year old daughter and we're still kids at that age believe me, doing stupid things.

Chestofdraws · 13/04/2022 10:25

@DenholmElliot

It really depends what you're looking for. If you're looking for someone pleasant who is good company and you want to date him for a while then I don't see a problem.

If you're looking for a husband, avoid. In short, boyfriend material, not husband material.

You can’t be serious?

MaryAndHerNet · 13/04/2022 10:26

It's a good indicator of their actual selves and not the self they want you to see.

It is so very important to remember that anyone can pretend to be what they're not for a long time. Their history shows the truth.

So say someone has a habit of being sacked for lying... Well, don't be too surprised if they lie... #Boris 🤪

navydear · 13/04/2022 10:30

@sweetbellyhigh don't be so ridiculous
Of course, Op his past does not define him..unless he murdered or taped someone in his past and obv that indicates that he is not well in the head, but as for the rest of it after that, of course you ignore that, havnt we all made one or two wrong deciding during our lifetime that we regret and would never ever do again

orangeisthenewpuce · 13/04/2022 10:34

OP you have no guarantees that any man won't cheat in the future. At least this one has been honest with you. I'd give him a chance.

Yousexybugger · 13/04/2022 10:35

A one off mistake at 20 probably isn't a huge indicator of who anyone is at 34. However, it sounds like maybe your gut feeling is off due to his current behaviour if he is out a lot more than most.

If this is what's going to cause you to be unsettled then I would probably just get to remain friends for now.

Ladybugzrock · 13/04/2022 10:36

I cheated on my late teens early twenties. I can tell you categorically it does not define who I am now.

I would NEVER cheat and as I got older and have really experienced the damage it causes, I am absolutely firm on this.

Honestly this once a cheat always a cheat nonsense is absolute bull!

Lay down your boundaries, be firm to them, and enjoy your relationship.

DenholmElliot · 13/04/2022 10:38

@Chestofdraws - yes i'm serious. Some men are boyfriend material and some men are husband material. I also don't think there is anything wrong in dating someone who was once unfaithful.

You don't agree then? That not all men are husband material?

peachsweettea · 13/04/2022 10:53

So much to unpack here but firstly not everyone wants to marry so why would you categorise as boyfriend and husband material only? What material would he be then if OP does not ever want husband material, boyfriend material sounds less than ideal from your description - what about long term partner material? Is he made of that? You sound a bit ridiculous! 😂

Watchkeys · 13/04/2022 10:55

There are no 'shoulds'. There is no overarching authority on what we're 'meant' to do, with regard to emotions. There is no right or wrong.

Go on what you feel. You are the authority on you. You know if this is acceptable to you or not. It's not about whether he's 'good' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong'.

as someone who's been hurt before, I am understandably very hesitant to continue

It sounds like his past behaviour and your past experience might have made you incompatible. You'd be better off with someone who doesn't have this history; he'd be better off with someone who is able to move past this without discomfort.

peachsweettea · 13/04/2022 10:55

Forgot to add that someone who you may class as Husband material might also, show horror, cheat but he didn’t give you his history so you would never have known. We can’t control other peoples actions regardless - whether we know their past or not makes zero difference. Loads of people who didn’t cheat in their 20s may cheat in their 30s, 40s, 50s. Zero logic to some of these comments.

DenholmElliot · 13/04/2022 11:04

@peachsweettea - i've got no experience of long term partners, just boyfriends or husband - so obviously I can't comment on that. I agree with you though, just because someone was faithful in the past doesn't mean they won't be unfaithful in the future.

CrowAndArrow · 13/04/2022 11:06

I wouldn't throw away a good relationship away because someone cheated on a partner when they were virtually a kid, but I'd keep it in mind if they displayed any other behaviour I found concerning.

CornishGem1975 · 13/04/2022 11:14

@orangeisthenewpuce

OP you have no guarantees that any man won't cheat in the future. At least this one has been honest with you. I'd give him a chance.

I agree with this.

You could be dating another man who had been a serial cheat and you'd never know about it unless he told you...this one has been honest.

SVRT19674 · 13/04/2022 11:18

Well, that depends if he was a serial cheater, in that case run run run or whether it was a badly managed break up or they were very young. I have never cheated on anyone not at 21 and not at 37 but I do understand the difference. I think it is the going out a lot and you staying behind that is triggering you. Go with your gut on this one. If it isn´t right for you it just isn´t.

foxlover47 · 13/04/2022 11:27

It always depends on what the past behaviour was
It's all relevant

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