Should you judge someone for their past?

[uclmerc]

I've recently met a guy (34 yo) through a friend of mine and we clicked and have been seeing each other for a few weeks. He treats me really well (drops things to come and look after me when I'm ill, replies to my messages in a timely manner, in short, he's there), things seem natural with him and we both seem to want the same things, but I have recently had a few doubts.

We were speaking very openly about values and past relationships, and he openly told me that he has once cheated on a partner after a difficult break-up when he was a lot younger, but that that is no longer something he does... He said he regrets it and that there were no excuses but, as someone who's been hurt before, I am understandably very hesitant to continue. My previous partner cheated on me and would go out on benders without contacting me for 24 hours afterwards; this new guy is also someone who goes out quite a lot, so I'm concerned that that would trigger me. I expressed my doubts very openly to him and he said that this is a period he's been through at the age of 20 but that he now knows that this is "not how a relationship works."

Should I cut things off or should I accept that we all go through wild phases and that this is in the past?

Omg, I would hate for people to judge me for what I did when I was late teen/early 20s!!! Certainly nothing like that now!!

I would like to think that everyone has the opportunity to change, and people should give them that chance. Otherwise what are we saying? That we all condemned for any previous misdemeanour forever? That’s a pretty horrible way of viewing the world and people.

I'm always wary of men that have admitted they've cheated previously, it's like a forewarning of what there're like, however
I know it was along time ago but still, it's off putting to hear, especially as he goes out a lot for this to trigger you.
I would probably see how it goes for a few more weeks, see how you feel when he goes out, what his communication is like around him going out, if you can live with it or not, you can only judge more for yourself the kind of person he is the more you know him, it's a risk at the end of the day, you can't always tell for certain who will cheat before you get involved, but listen to your feelings, if you don't feel comfortable with him then don't force it.

I think what you should do depends on how you deal with it.
I personally couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who said they felt "triggered" if I went out because they are scared I would cheat. If you are likely to keep brining it up and interrogate him about his nights out then best to end it.

If, however, you believe he has grown as a person and is more mature now then carry on.

Being in a relationship is always a risk. The next person could claim they have never cheated but actually be a serial cheater. Or they could never have cheated before but cheat on you. What matters is that you are comfortable taking the risk with that person.

I literally couldn't worry about what someone in their 30's did when they were 20, and still virtually a child

No one can really tell you and it's a risk but do you trust your instincts? Did you learn red flags/early warning signs from previous relationships?

Re cheating, he could be telling you, to get his defence in first, or it could be he was 20 and cheated on a girlfriend as a one off.

The benders is something you need to monitor. Who are his friends? Judge him by the people he hangs out with. If they are party animals then he is likely to be similar.

It's such early days that all you can do is assess and have good boundaries. If he crosses them, then dump.

I wouldn't judge him for a one off thing like that years ago. He's been open and told you the truth. He was much younger.

A serial cheater is different and one incident isn't indicative of how you'll be in the future.

[quote navydear]@sweetbellyhigh don't be so ridiculous
Of course, Op his past does not define him..unless he murdered or taped someone in his past and obv that indicates that he is not well in the head, but as for the rest of it after that, of course you ignore that, havnt we all made one or two wrong deciding during our lifetime that we regret and would never ever do again [/quote]
Pop your glasses on and read my post again. Then apply critical thought.

@orangeisthenewpuce

OP you have no guarantees that any man won't cheat in the future. At least this one has been honest with you. I'd give him a chance.

Massive assumption to describe him as honest. Words are empty, all we know is this guy is anxious to present himself as different to how his behaviour suggests.

I would pass.

He's saying ' I've cheated in the past but don't do that now'. But has he done some work on himself to understand why he did it? If he doesn't know why he did it and hasn't altered his mindset, then what's to stop him doing it again?

He says he regrets it but most cheaters in my experience only regret that they got caught.