Something feels off

[Namechange212]

Recently I’ve been talking to a guy I went on a date with 5 years ago (prior to my last relationship), from what I remember he ghosted me after but we were both younger in our early 20s at the time, he got back in touch and I’m aware a lot can change in 5 years so I decided to give another chance . We went on another date at the weekend, things seemed to be really promising and good flow/banter/flirting with messages etc before date. Since the date though something has felt “off”, messages not as frequent and not flowing like they were. He says he wants a second date (not organised yet), he initiated contact after the date and I sent him a message yesterday asking if everything is ok because something feels off and he replied saying of course it is. But I just can’t shake the feeling something isn’t right, I don’t know if I should just take his word that all is ok and give the benefit of the doubt or end it and take back the control? He did say he has had a lot on but it doesn’t seem to be much more than what he had on before from what he says. Any advice on how to approach this one?

Block him and move on - why invest in this?

Sounds very intense for one date - he’s a love bomber!

When we were talking prior to date he was saying things like “in a couple of dates time we will do this…” which I’m aware is future faking and I did tell him to hold his horses etc. but I think maybe part of me accepted it because we had met each other before, and he also already had me on social media so was aware of some things about my life over the years, but it’s still giving me an odd feeling and my head is saying to end it politely, but there’s another part of me saying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s said nothings wrong?

Draw a line and move on. Fair play for giving him another chance, as you say, a lot can change in 5 years but he has gone in hard with the future plans before even having a date to work out if he even gets on with you now. He has then withdrawn again.

I think if he genuinely wanted to pursue things with you then he would be making an effort to keep up the momentum and ensure that there wasn't a repeat of 5 years ago.

If it feels off then it is (I speak from bitter experience of ignoring my gut!!)
Is he actually single? Have been bitten by that too…

I think he is actually single but him and ex only broke up at Christmas, think the relationship was about a year but there was a lot of stuff that went on between them. I’m wondering if I just send a text saying I still feel something is off so I’m stepping back, rather than ending it completely in case there is a genuine reason but then I’m still taking control and looking after myself? I know I need to become more aware and now get caught out by future faking at early stages etc

You're probably right in feeling something is off, you can just get a feel for them not being quite as invested, like suddenly he's got a lot on, that doesn't mean he can't plan ahead to see you. Just see it for what it is if you would like to date him, leave it to him to get in touch about the next date.
Only put in a equal amount of effort.

This tends to happen in the early stages where people have more than one interest at the same time. Since the date something may have stepped up with someone else, and his attention is elsewhere, but he's not yet ready to close down any options.
Or it could be that he wanted sex and lost interest if the date ended in it.
Or that he wanted sex and lost interest when the date didn't end in it.
Keep your own options open at this stage and don't let him take up too much of your headspace.

Yeah I’m very inclined to trust my gut still, he’s told me there’s nothing wrong but the change in communication style tells me otherwise so I feel like I’m going mad. I feel inclined to send a message saying I’m stepping back so I can get back control. And go back to the drawing board and see what else is out there. I’m sick of the idea that women need to ‘play it cool’, because every time I’ve had a gut feeling in situations like this I’ve been right.

Trust yourself more over trusting somone else.

@Brightstar29

Yeah I’m very inclined to trust my gut still, he’s told me there’s nothing wrong but the change in communication style tells me otherwise so I feel like I’m going mad. I feel inclined to send a message saying I’m stepping back so I can get back control. And go back to the drawing board and see what else is out there. I’m sick of the idea that women need to ‘play it cool’, because every time I’ve had a gut feeling in situations like this I’ve been right.

I wouldn't send the message tbh. I think people read those messages as a call to action or else.. You can just step back anyway, do your thing, and if he suggests something, do it if you feel like it.

I wouldn’t explain your thoughts to him. Keep it simple, thanks for the date and getting back in touch. On reflection I don’t think this is right for me. Good luck and all the best, Brightstar

Sounds like a lot of hassle for so early on. Sounds like you both got a bit carried away with messages and then met up for a date that didn’t live up to expectations. Not a bit deal, it happens. You just need to move on.
In future be wary of anyone referring to any kind of future before they have got to know you properly.

No don’t send him another message. Listen to your gut, you’ve told him already you feel something is off and he’s not stepped up the effort.
Block and move on and if you can’t do that just do nothing. Stop letting him keep you on a string.
He’s a twat. You deserve better.

my head is saying to end it politely

I’m not sure I’d bother being that polite about it, just firm.

I've seen it on here and it's been true around me for years.

If he's not that interested in you, you feel confused. If he wants to spend time with you, he will.

But I just can’t shake the feeling something isn’t right

Then something isn't right.

You don't have to explain anything to him. If he suggests another date, just tell him you've changed your mind, and best of luck. People who are in control don't announce 'I am taking control, now!' It should be instinctive to be in control of your life, you're an adult. Work to progress towards this.

Step one: don't do stuff that doesn't feel right.

His actions, or lack of them, tell you everything you need to know.
Don' t text him again, its not necessary, just delete all trace of him and move on.

Your gut is right if it thinks something is off & your head is saying the right things. Back off and let it go...Ball is firmly in his court & he has not thrown it back. If he does I would think twice about picking it back up..

Good gried you've been on one date, there's nothing to end, why are you messaging him that something feels off?

The fact you knew him years ago, that you're on social media etc is irrelevant.

All that matter is that you've been on one date and he hasn't been pushed about arranging a second date.

Don't explain anything just don't answer any messages whatsoever unless it's him suggesting a time and place for your next date (and even then I would only agree if it was convenient to you) and don't explain yourself.

Get busy with your own life, keep your own standards high and someone will be along to meet them (if not him someone better).

I think he’s starting to breadcrumb me, because he messaged me this afternoon and it’s more along the lines of “how’s your day been” now whereas before the conversation was a bit deeper and more interesting. And messages are far less frequent. Possibly trying to keep me on back burner for whatever reason.

Should I still respond to these texts, because what I don’t want it to appear that I’m ghosting him because in previous chats I’ve mentioned that I hate ghosting as a general behaviour, and I guess that was my rationale for sending a message saying I’m stepping back so that it doesn’t appear I’ve just ghosted basically because I don’t want to look like a hypocrite?

I would reply but say you won't be messaging much over the next week or so as you have lots on/something big at work etc, then let it sit, don't chase back. Trust your gut, move on

All he needs to know is that you're stepping back. If he wants to know more, tell him you don't feel you've clicked, together. That's it.

You're not here to make sure you 'appear to do the right thing' by him. You're here to please yourself. So communicate briefly, succinctly, and respectfully what you need him to know so that you don't feel you've ghosted him, and walk away.

If you need to send ‘are things ok ?’ messages after one date, it really isn’t worth it.

He is definitely breadcrumbing you, just reply with brief answers, if this bothers him he might step up or far more likely it will fizzle out. He ghosted before and it sounds like he will do it again, but listen to your gut! You can always sense when they are cooling off, next he will tell you he's mega busy at work or he has a sick relative, perfect excuse to keep you hanging on as an option.

@WTF475878237NC

I've seen it on here and it's been true around me for years.

If he's not that interested in you, you feel confused. If he wants to spend time with you, he will.

This couldn't be more true! Great advice