Where’s the joy?

[BearFacedCheekGrylls]

After a failed marriage and then a failed relationship I’m feel like there is not a great deal of joy in my life. I think the experience of Covid has also been a factor.

I feel like my life is all about duty (work, doing the best for my kids, trying to keep the house running). I want to do all these things but I want to be happy too.

My career was once very fulfilling but has become a negative environment, I’m changing career in a few months to what will be a demanding but hopefully much more fulfilling role.

My social life has not returned to pre divorce/Covid levels and I’m not sure why, although money and time plays a part. I do spend a lot of the time that I don’t have the kids on my own and I’m not sure why I don’t schedule more things in or what they should be.

I walk every day which used to keep me feeling happy and sane but now it feels like I’m often processing stuff/working things out during this time. Although I think I do need to do this.

I’m lonely at times but unwilling to put myself out there, I’ve chatted on apps but can’t seem to get passed this stage. Perhaps I’m not ready as I have it come to terms with hurt from the past.

How do I get the joy back in my life?

I think there WILL be joy in your life, but you’re not seeing it anymore. You’ve tuned out. The more you can recognise the joy around you, the more you’ll seek it out.
Try looking for it on a walk. What small things can you see that are just lovely? The blossom? A flower in a pavement crack? A dog lolloping across a park?
I’ve never done it, but writing down something that brought you joy each day is supposed to help.

I think you need to plan it and put it in the diary. I book myself onto weekend group activities. I go with large outdoors but there are so many out there for every interest.

I didn’t used to be like this @Hucklead so perhaps that is it, I need to retrain myself.

@Haggisfish3 I think before I was very reactive, I was always being asked to do stuff but I need to get over this fear I have of arranging things myself.

I think so, too. I plan something nice every couple of months, book it and pay for it before I think about it too much.

I came to the conclusion that its copycat behaviour and certain places can be particularly bad for it. I've had 2 former female best friends sleep with boyfriends I had at the time (who then dumped me horribly). Both female friends also cut me off. I have friends who have just drifted away when I haven't fitted into their trendy little social circle before, mainly due to being injured and no longer able to do a particular sport, whereas friends who live abroad stay in touch and we visit each other.

I grew up in another country and I'm moving back there. Even DP agrees the people are nicer!

@Haggisfish3
What joy have you found today?

I went for a walk in my local woods at half seven this morning! And I hugged my children. And really, really enjoyed it all. I’m seeing old friends next week-I have to organise it because no one else ever organises anything but meh-I have made my peace with being the organiser. They will miss me when I die!!

And on my walk I took two minutes to really inhale the scent of the flowers and grass in the rain. And hear the rain. And when I hugged the children I held them hard and inhaled their scent and felt their wee bodies in my arms. Sounds cheesy as all fuck but I do it all the time in so many situations.

@Hucklead how about you?

It sounds like you're trying to enjoy the life you used to lead, but perhaps it's not for you, now? Are you looking for happiness via a relationship? That might not be the way forward right now...

What about aiming for being untroubled? No need to wind yourself up wondering why you aren't joyous. How about peaceful? Have you got anything you've always wanted to try? Anything you'd like to learn? Anything you wish you knew more about?

What about joy in the tiny things? I'm on my own tonight, as DH is working. I've got my favourite curry in the fridge, a bottle of wine chilling and I'm going to watch some of my favourite TV in my jammies. Been looking forward to it all day.

Did I make a post I dont remember 🤔

I feel just the same. I sit at home alonr working all day from home. I look after my daughter. I see my friends, who are lovely. .

But I'm adrift and joyless. Literally. It feels like wading through life. Nothing gives me joy. My hobbies that I used to do - now I feel nothing doing them, so I don't. I have no desire to.

I dont know what to do. Somethjng tells me there has to be more to life than this but if it wasnt for my daughter, I'm not sure Id even bother

If you aren’t enjoying things you used to, it suggests you may be slipping into depression? Have you tried an online symptom checker as a starting point?

@Haggisfish3 sounds perfect!
I bought a new candle.
DD came home from a week away.
Chinese takeaway and football tonight!

@BearFacedCheekGrylls how have you been today?

I had a breakup of a 5 year relationship about 14 months ago, and although I'm past the heartbroken stage, I feel I haven't bounced back and have lost interest in a lot of what I used to enjoy. Sorry, no solution but feeling similar!

@Hucklead day started in much the same vein of feeling like going through the motions, however I took my daughters to a new spot this evening and we really relaxed into that and it was fun. So I’m trying to put more in and hopefully feel more positive.

@BearFacedCheekGrylls
I’m glad you had some fun. Here’s to a little bit more tomorrow!

@BearFacedCheekGrylls I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are.

That’s kind of you. I’m still up and down. Thinking about how to simplify my life but it feels like an overwhelming task.

I’ve definitely felt at times like I’ve wanted to hide away and not reach out to friends, although I keep my social life going despite this. I feel like my relationship with alcohol is slipping into unhealthy patterns. And if I could only break the grip of emotional eating!

I worry about my kids, I read on here today that children of divorce are disadvantaged in society and I feel so guilty.

This probably reads quite negative, but it’s easier to be honest on an anonymous forum. Going to work and going to try and have a positive/good day. I know if I put a lot in I get something back.

It sounds like there is a lot you want to change, it can be overwhelming trying to change everything at once so start with one thing.

I think drinking alcohol can definitely affect your mood the next day so could this be the place to start?
Are you drinking through boredom?

Emotional eating is hard to get out of, i follow rebelfit on Facebook. I don't pay toj join the challenges but he posts really inspiring stuff about emotional eating etc

What has made your life so busy that you want to simplify it?
Working mums seem to juggle so much, is there anything you can simplify?

I read somewhere that to be happy you need a tiny thing to look forward to each day (can be a coffee catch up with a friend or a favourite series back on TV or an exercise class you enjoy) then a small thing to look forward to each week like going to the cinema or having lunch with a friend, or a day's outing somewhere, something medium each month, like going away for the weekend or doing something challenging like a charity run, and something major each year - a sort of big bucket-list thing that really satisfies you, like a major holiday, house remodelling, new job etc.

You could start by building the small and medium things back into your life. In advance, book fun things to do when DC aren't around. If friends are busy or friendships have dried up then do things that really interest you and might generate new friendships - go to talks or workshops in subjects that excite you.

Also find the joy in the non-social side of life, just by adding it - play great music when you wake up, put together new outfits, watch comedies and feelgood movies, go to a new cafe to people watch etc. I find doing things very slightly differently helps. Just shakes you out of the rut.

I agree with Haggis that, cheesy though they sound, these tiny things make a difference. I had life long depression for four decades but I've kept it just about at bay (still have bad days but not bad months-on-end) by really focusing on tiny things. I put food out for birds, squirrels and foxes every morning and then make a really perfect cup of coffee and enjoy watching them have breakfast on me while I drink the coffee. I literally stop and smell the roses or the philodelphus or daphne when I walk down the street. I go out last thing at night and just stare at the stars or moon. When I have a bath I tune the radio to R3 and listen to classical music or sometimes find a pop gold station that plays the hits from when I was a teenager.

Tiny things like this perk you up. They are not solutions but they are helpers while you are going through tough times and they are entirely within yiour control, which most of the shit stuff isn't.

I went through this, when all it seemed I had was a job, house and kids. Couldn't change jobs as I 'had' to do it to keep the house and the general drudge of having children alone just made everything feel grey.

But, I can't remember when, I just came out the other end. My dd is older and more self sufficient, we get on really well, she does a hobby I enjoy watching, I've moved recently to a lovely house, I have a job in a different company I enjoy and pays well, I also bought a dog who I adore. Then without looking I met a wonderful man.

Just keep swimming op, you will come out the other side

@SortingItOut i seem to drink for all sorts of reasons: bad day, good day

just divorce, loss of financial security, working all hours, also loneliness. I feel rejected about failed marriage and relationship.

I get frustrated with myself as I used to be able to appreciate the small things even when life was tough, I’ve had bereavements etc but I still managed to be positive. So why not now?

I do really appreciate all the replies and I’m definitely thinking about all the advice. Do I give up one of my jobs? It definitely improves my finances and is mostly enjoyable but it’s hard work and involves a lot of juggling.