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Original poster

He's an alcoholic and I have to leave

26 replies

howcan · 11/04/2022 22:58

Partner of 12 years, 2 children (5 and 1) his drinking has been increasing for quite a long time but has shot up rapidly in recent months. He's unpredictable when drinking as most people are. I've caught him pouring a shot of rum into his coffee in the morning. Binges are starting earlier and getting longer.

Anyway it all came to a head this weekend. He spent all Saturday night in the pub while I looked after the kids. Turned his phone off so I couldn't contact him. Came home in a state. Last night, drinking again. I told him
I was going to leave him and I had to protect my children from this. He broke down, apologised, swore he would stop drinking.

Today, same, said he's worried about his own drinking, he promised to stop. Went to play golf - encouraged by me, nice active pursuit to take his mind off things. Came home smelling of drink. He's had two pints (he says) at the golf club. Can't seem to understand the problem.

I'm devastated. I have to leave him don't I? I can't have my children growing up in a house with an alcoholic. I'm so hurt that he lied to me, he had no intention of not drinking anymore. He cares more about having two fucking pints than he does about keeping his family together. Now my children have to grow up without their father around.

I love him so much. He's always been so strong, so loving, made me laugh, he's my soulmate. And he's thrown it all away and ripped me apart. I have no idea where to begin to cope with this Sad

OP posts:
knowinglesseveryday · 12/04/2022 09:37

You do. And it's the best thing you could do for him. If he changes, you could reconsider, and if he doesn't then he never was going to. As things stand, I don't think he will. He'll just lie more.

Itchylegs · 12/04/2022 09:39

I feel for you. My DP, father to our DC, has bouts of this. It seems to come either from depression or elation. He won't change. It has led to so many arguments between us. I hate him when drunk. He is rude, nonsensical but thinks he is being profound. The next day he can't remember any of it. The DC think it is horrible and I think it had put at least DS off drinking. No advice, just sympathy/empathy.

Beachsidesunset · 12/04/2022 09:42

Yes you do. Protect your children's mental health. They have no-one else to advocate for them. Do it.

BritInAus · 12/04/2022 09:48

Yes you do. If not for you, for your kids.

I left my alcoholic ex of 10+ years 2 years ago. I get how hard it is. But it's the best thing I ever did, for me and our child. I can't believe I stayed so long.

Feel free to PM me, I understand.

pointythings · 12/04/2022 09:50

...

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 09:55

You MUST leave for your kids. The most unhappy, damaged people I know all grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. Don't subject their lives to this hell. Get out now before the remember just how bad it was.

pointythings · 12/04/2022 09:57

Am having words with MHHQ for hiding my post - I have said nothing controversial!

vilamoura2003 · 12/04/2022 10:19

@Itchylegs and @howcan I'm so sorry you are both going through this. Please leave 🙁 I am your children in grown up form and my father's alcoholism and MH issues have left me with a lot of issues as an adult from the trauma I experienced as a child. I don't drink, not even socially, I HATE drunk people and the anxiety rises when people start getting merry, if my DH (or any previous partners) goes out socialising I have trust issues (father used to womanise when on a bender). Socially it has ruined my life as I don't seem to be able to make connections with people as I don't mix well with others as socially I am awkward because of my anxieties.

Crucially though I would say that as a grown up my only memories of childhood are negative ones, which is a skewed reality - there definitely were times when my father was on the wagon and there must have been happy times, but my brain has chosen to block/not recall those times, it remembers ALL of the negative times when he had fallen off that wagon and it had rolled away 😢

For your children, be strong and walk away, encourage a relationship with them when he has sober times but you have to protect them and shield them from him when he is not.

pointythings · 12/04/2022 11:46

Hi OP, MN managed to lose my post in the ether when reinstating it, so I'm going to try again.

It's really important that you get some support for yourself in this. I've been where you are: with full insight that you can't help and that you need to get out, but overwhelmed with the guilt of 'breaking up' the family.

Talking to people who have been through it themselves is incredibly important, so I suggest you Google' 'Support for families of alcoholics'. The third link that comes up is a page that gives you contact information for a range of organisations who can help. Please consider making contact. I wish you all the very best.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 12/04/2022 12:10

Here's the link which pointythings was trying to post - A list of family support services

Sorry we lost your earlier post, pointythings.

pointythings · 12/04/2022 12:15

No worries @DawnMumsnet and thanks for posting the proper link!

Awomanneedingadvice · 12/04/2022 12:41

You must leave OP. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and it ruined my childhood.

AntelopeBeau · 12/04/2022 13:05

Yikes. Rum in morning coffee. Binges. All night in the pub and turning up in a “state”. Totally irresponsible for a parent to be like this. It sounds revolting for you, heart breaking for your kids seeing this as they grow up. I’d be off like a shot. Flowers. Maybe he will start looking at his life then, only hope I think. Having a lovely responsible partner at home putting up with it all just think enables them more tbh.

anotherdisaster · 12/04/2022 13:27

I'm so very sorry. My ex's brother died from alcoholism and he had 2 beautiful teenage kids who were devastated. He couldn't even stop for them. That's how strong the addiction is. I hope you get the support you need.

Celynfour · 12/04/2022 14:45

Protect yours and the children’s peace of mind and right to calm .
He will say whatever it takes not upset the status quo . He may or may not make changes .
Watch him do that from a comfortable distance , that’s on him not you .
I used to support mine on endless fishing outings while I looked after 3 children aged under 7 .
Then I realised it was just drinking with a view .
I wish I’d left sooner and with more self respect and more intact .
Take care

Opentooffers · 12/04/2022 15:01

Yes, you need to protect your DC'sfrom this and the best way is at a distance. Either he will seek help -great - or he will fail to in which case you are better off out of it.
Be prepared for failure, don't let him move back in too soon, he will need to be sober for months. My sons father unfortunately died, but we had been apart for 10 years by then, so we'll out of it.

Maray1967 · 12/04/2022 16:19

Am old friend of mine died from alcoholism and did a fair amount of damage to his lovely family. His wife left him well before the end but I now understand things were bad for a few years.
You hear of one or two people who turned it around after an ultimatum from their partner but I think they are few unfortunately.
Yes, you need to leave him.

youshouldhaveknow · 12/04/2022 16:47

If he really wants to quit let him show you in his actions eg attending a treatment center or AA meetings

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/04/2022 17:17

Is he a driver OP?

TheFabledSnake · 12/04/2022 17:24

This is why I ended it with my ex. He drank when stressed. He'd call me saying he was coming home from work and then I'd get another 3 or 4 calls, where he sounded progressively drunker each time, talking absolute shit. He'd come stumbling home and act like he hadn't had one drink. He'd fall asleep in his dirty work clothes and harass our cat and daughter when he eventually woke up. It was as depressing and aggravating as it sounds. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did, don't regret it.

Celynfour · 12/04/2022 17:35

All of our stories are so similar .
Unfortunately it never really varies from this trajectory . A healthy distance from this is the only way to navigate this and not spend years trying to recover from the damage .
We’re all saying the same ‘wish I’d left earlier ‘ ‘never regretting leaving ‘ ‘ happier once I’d left ‘ ‘life became calm ‘
I dithered until the situation exploded and the fallout was immense .
Being on your own and parenting on your own is the easy option over dealing with escalating alcoholism - or even watching someone else attempt recovery , they also need space to see if they can make that work . And often they don’t really want to enough to make it work .

Xpologog · 12/04/2022 17:39

I’m sorry you have this in your life.
Alcoholics won’t stop for their children, their partners, their jobs, —- only for themselves. Unless he truly, 100% is determined never to drink again you’ll enter the circle. Crying, I’ll stop — I believe you, don’t drink — he drinks — I’m leaving —- crying, I’ll stop…..
Al Anon will support you and look at services recommended by @pointythings.
It’s hard to leave but you and your children deserve so much better.

BritInAus · 12/04/2022 23:23

@Celynfour

All of our stories are so similar . Unfortunately it never really varies from this trajectory . A healthy distance from this is the only way to navigate this and not spend years trying to recover from the damage . We’re all saying the same ‘wish I’d left earlier ‘ ‘never regretting leaving ‘ ‘ happier once I’d left ‘ ‘life became calm ‘ I dithered until the situation exploded and the fallout was immense . Being on your own and parenting on your own is the easy option over dealing with escalating alcoholism - or even watching someone else attempt recovery , they also need space to see if they can make that work . And often they don’t really want to enough to make it work .
This. Every single word, this.
pointythings · 13/04/2022 09:59

Celynfour seconded.

Rainsunrainsun · 13/04/2022 10:09

I was you.

It got worse and worse from there.
I was ashamed and scared and hoped when he said he was going to change this time he would. I believed him and cleaned up his mess.

It got worse and worse. All my sense of what was normal and acceptable disappeared it was like I was stuck in the madness with him.

After five years it was so bad I couldn’t hide it anymore. I managed to get some money and he went to rehab. He is currently sober but we are separated. I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive what happened.

I wish I hadn’t let it go on so long.

Don’t be me.