Is it normal to find your parents irritating?

[PurpleFuschia4]

I need some honest opinions. I can't tell if I'm being silly or if my feelings are warranted.

I always thought, growing up, that I had good parents and a good relationship with them. But over the past 5 years or so, I've come to a point where I find I don't want to be around them.

They're not old, only just 60s, but recently I've realised myself and my DP do all the legwork - they've visited us maybe half a dozen times in the past 5 years and we always seem to be expected to travel to see them (they live about 1hr 40 away). They still drive, and we have a spare room for them if they'd want to stop the night, but it's always us making the effort to see them. It's getting to me a lot now as myself and DP have busy lives and I know they still drive distances (they drove to see my sister on her birthday a few months ago, who lives about an hour away from them) and they're semi retired.

Whenever I don't call them, I get radio silence for weeks, sometimes well over a month. I've suggested in the past we should call regularly but it was always me ringing them, and as soon as I didn't I wouldn't hear from them at all. The last time we stopped at their home in January, my mother said we should meet up or similar and I said great, but she never called to arrange this, despite messaging to ask me what my DS would want for his birthday the other week. I then get an angry sounding voicemail when she finally called last weekend, ending with " huffing and puffing well, let me know when I can call you!" As I'd got back from a weekend away from a work conference and was having my dinner, I didn't hear my phone. I called her back and she asked what I was doing next weekend and then proceeded to say "are you not coming to see us, I didn't know if we were going to meet up" and made me feel guilty and like I'd done something wrong, when I'm pretty sure I haven't? Surely if you suggest a plan to someone, it is up to you to arrange the details? When I said I'd been busy with work etc she soon moved the conversation onto herself and complained about a meal she'd had, and didn't even say I love you at the end of the call. When we do speak, I get such limited responses and they are always wanting to talk about themselves and such negative things I just don't really want to hear, like bad service they've had recently.

They just don't seem to give any effort back. I'm sick of being the one to go to them, when they have the means to come to me. When DP I sent save the date cards for our wedding, they didn't even acknowledge them. Everyone else we sent them to did, but not my own mother and father. They didn't seem at all interested in the wedding and even booked their own accommodation without letting us know they'd done it, I only found out when I mentioned I'd be booking ours soon.

Am I overreacting? Are parents destined to become rubbish once you reach a certain age? Or do you just stop seeing things through rose tinted glasses and come to realise they were always pretty awful? I don't know what I'm posting for really, maybe just a rant, but I'd love to know if I'm not alone or if I'm over thinking here

I don’t think you’re overreacting; it must be very hurtful to feel like you have to do all the running. Take a big step back and let them make some effort to come see you or make a plan and if they don’t then don’t do it yourself. Sorry though

Not all parents are like yours....mine certainly aren’t...my dads no longer here....but my mum is 85 now and I appreciate her more and more as the years go by...I’m 57....I certainly don’t act like your parents with my 3 DC and GC

I have quite a strained relationship with my mum and step dad. Like you, I got on with them well when I lived at home, and even before I had kids things were reasonably good. But over the last 10 years things have really deteriorated. My mum has always been needy (sensitive, in her words) and very, very bitter about her divorce from my Dad. She's very self absorbed and quite rude to me sometimes, and I think now I have less time, and tolerance for it.
My Dad died last year, unexpectedly (he had cancer, but I was expected to live several more years then caught covid and died due to complications) and my mum was really unsympathetic about it. Very matter of fact about it all. Didn't even acknowledge it initially. Yet still tears up about her own Dad's death 20 odd years ago. 🤯
I don't know, I was very close to her when I was younger, but now we barely speak. Weeks can go by with no contact... i is feel for you OP. It makes me sad, but I'm also not willing to be a doormat.

My mum was always abusive so that was consistent.

My dad was great.

They've both been gone a long time now and I wish they were still around as I would have spent a lot more time trying to get to know them as people.

All the older parents I know are like this, they always wait to be phoned and then say it’s ages since they spoke to you.

As I’ve got older I’ve realised how self centred and negative my mum is. If I don’t call her she sulks and is weird with me the next time we speak but she wouldn’t ever think to ring me. I have 4 children and only live less than 10 mins drive away but I think it’s about 5/6 weeks since I last saw her. Can’t even remember. I always feel down after I’ve seen her anyway so I prefer to keep contact low these days. Years ago we used to see each other quite frequently. I have less time for the bullshit the older I get!

How were they when you were younger?
Could they be reluctant to impinge upon you? So many people here complain that their parents and in-laws are too interfering and needy. Maybe they don’t want to be needy?

Hmmm
I wouldn't respond to a save the date card, as I feel it would be obvious I'd be there.
My kids are young adults- I keep in touch but I'm very conscious of being too needy.
I would say something- as in, ' hey Mum, how about you guys come to us this time?'
And similar.
I think sometimes parents see their home as the family base, and don't recognise that you no longer do. They may need a bit of coaxing to shift that mindset.
I would keep dropping some gentle hints

I'm in a similar position to you. I don't think lockdown really helped matters. Pre covid I had lots of time and I was always the one to go see them, I didn't think much of it at the time. Now I have a 16 month old DD and they have seen her in my home less than half a dozen times. I find it quite sad actually. I'm still expected to travel to them. I know they love me and I them but it's like they can't recognise how much my life has changed and adapt to that. They are also retired so time isn't an issue.

@SGChome20

I'm in a similar position to you. I don't think lockdown really helped matters. Pre covid I had lots of time and I was always the one to go see them, I didn't think much of it at the time. Now I have a 16 month old DD and they have seen her in my home less than half a dozen times. I find it quite sad actually. I'm still expected to travel to them. I know they love me and I them but it's like they can't recognise how much my life has changed and adapt to that. They are also retired so time isn't an issue.

I agree about lockdown. Mine were very, very cautious about mixing, and even now are pretty cautious as I have school age kids.

Sorry for your loss, ethelredonagoodday

@PurpleFuschia4

Sorry for your loss, ethelredonagoodday

Thank you.

It wasn't that they didn't reply to the save the date, I wasn't expecting an rsvp or anything as I know it's not like sending an invitation, but they just didn't even acknowledge the fact, when others messaged to say they received one and were excited etc. I just found it upsetting they didnt seem to share the excitement. Maybe this is a generational thing? Who knows.

Glad I'm not alone. It is frustrating as I do love them, and I know deep down they love me, but their actions can be hurtful. I guess I'd need to tell them really.

Lockdown hasn't been an issue with regards meeting up, it's been this way over the last 5 or so years, but I do think they've changed since covid.

Also, with seeing the home as a family base, this is not in my case as they're not in our family home and haven't been for a long time. I guess I just need to suck it up and speak to them.

Thanks for taking the time to reply

I like calling my DC but they're grown with their own lives and many times when I called wasn't a good time for them. 17 hour time difference plus all the regular things; like they're in the car, at the shops, unloading the car, getting kids dressed, cleaning up a mess, handling a meltdown. You get the picture.

I'd prefer they'd call me when they are free as it's easier for both of us. They know their schedule and when they carve out some time, I'm more flexible and can pretty much talk anytime.

I mostly go visit them as it's easier for one person to go than for them to pack up everyone for trip overseas. They are always welcome and I pay for their trips here when they come.

Still they get irritated with me. Usually when I don't give them money, they tell me what a rotten mum I am. Or why didn't you stop me from doing x when they stuff up something. So they may go off and sulk for a week or two.

As a mum, I find adult DC a bit selfish and self-absorbed. It's always about them, what they want, and their problems.
I suspect they really don't know much about their parents as people.

I find mine so annoying! I am trying to be more patient but it’s so hard. I genuinely enjoyed their company before I had children. It’s hard to explain it but it’s like their expectations of our relationship have grown as my responsibilities have grown. It makes no sense as really they should have more understanding of how hard balancing life/ work/ kids are.

I agree @RantyAunty . MN is so full of posters damning their parents and wanting everything their way. Grandparents are expected to provide free childcare, deposits for houses and flats but not be needy. They are expected to listen and remember about everything in their children and grandchildren lives but they are never allowed to talk about people they know because it is too boring. Some MN posters are mightily self absorbed but are constantly accusing other people of self absorption.

@Prudencia - & none of that is reflected in the Op's post.

It's called old age. Don't expect them to improve. My Mum is in her 80s and I regularly feel like sticking my head in the oven after I've spoken to her.

I find my mum quite irritating as I get older. I would have always thought she was a great mum and would have considered us close but now that my dad has passed she really has no interest in me or my siblings. I doubt she could tell you what I do for a living. She has started dating so all conversations are about whatever guy she's seeing. It's bizarre. I tried talking to her about it once but she became incredibly nasty (a side of her I'd never seen before) so now i just smile and nod. She doesn't contact us unless we call her so I tend to just give her a buzz once every couple of weeks. It's sad that she's turned out to be like this but nothing I can do about it so I just grin and bear it

@Fairyarmpits I hear you.

As a mother myself, I wonder if my children will think this in years to come? Is it inevitable

[quote PurpleFuschia4]**@Fairyarmpits I hear you.

As a mother myself, I wonder if my children will think this in years to come? Is it inevitable [/quote]
I don't think everyone ends up like this.

I didn't realise it at the time but I had a slightly odd upbringing. As my Mum has got older, she had got even more odd. Both of my Grandmothers were relatively well adjusted even as they grew older so it's not necessarily to be expected.

Our relationship has always been based on me making all the effort. Sometimes I would like her to suggest something or arrange something but she's pretty much past that now. It's a shame. I can't see myself being like that with my own children.

I think as children we have unrealistic expectations of what our parents can and should do for us but as parents ourselves we find the obligations of parenthood hard work. I also think our memories are short so we don't really remember what a previous stage of life was like and anyway parenthood changes over 30 years.

I'm in my 50s, my Mum is in her 70s. She gave up work as soon as she was pregnant and only ever went back PT once I was at Uni, I worked FT throughout my childbearing years. She had my grandparents next door who could babysit regularly for us when DM and DDad went out, I have no family nearby and used childcare to work not go out. She had babies in her early 20s to early 30s, I had mine in my late 30s and early 40s. My life is very different from hers and from the expectations she had for me so of course she struggles to understand it. Of course she's irritating at times but so am I.

Is it partly a communications/expectations problem OP?

[quote PurpleFuschia4]**@Fairyarmpits I hear you.

As a mother myself, I wonder if my children will think this in years to come? Is it inevitable [/quote]
Probably in your case🙄

Oh, the guilt tripping parent! I get radio silence too then the guilt when I phone. She does not have broken fingers, she can pick up a phone! And of course, I am expected to drive for 5 hours every time, despite her travelling to the other side of the world to see my brother and his dc. Even when I bought the tickets, arranged for her to be dropped off at her station and picked her up from our station, the trauma was all too much!

She complains that my brother never calls-he has two jobs and is in a different time zone. I’ve recently told her she’s a disgrace for not trying to maintain even a text relationship with the grandchildren. She has, to be fair, made an effort, probably to shut me up! Apparently, because of her age, people should phone her.