Is it normal to find your parents irritating?

[PurpleFuschia4]

I need some honest opinions. I can't tell if I'm being silly or if my feelings are warranted.

I always thought, growing up, that I had good parents and a good relationship with them. But over the past 5 years or so, I've come to a point where I find I don't want to be around them.

They're not old, only just 60s, but recently I've realised myself and my DP do all the legwork - they've visited us maybe half a dozen times in the past 5 years and we always seem to be expected to travel to see them (they live about 1hr 40 away). They still drive, and we have a spare room for them if they'd want to stop the night, but it's always us making the effort to see them. It's getting to me a lot now as myself and DP have busy lives and I know they still drive distances (they drove to see my sister on her birthday a few months ago, who lives about an hour away from them) and they're semi retired.

Whenever I don't call them, I get radio silence for weeks, sometimes well over a month. I've suggested in the past we should call regularly but it was always me ringing them, and as soon as I didn't I wouldn't hear from them at all. The last time we stopped at their home in January, my mother said we should meet up or similar and I said great, but she never called to arrange this, despite messaging to ask me what my DS would want for his birthday the other week. I then get an angry sounding voicemail when she finally called last weekend, ending with " huffing and puffing well, let me know when I can call you!" As I'd got back from a weekend away from a work conference and was having my dinner, I didn't hear my phone. I called her back and she asked what I was doing next weekend and then proceeded to say "are you not coming to see us, I didn't know if we were going to meet up" and made me feel guilty and like I'd done something wrong, when I'm pretty sure I haven't? Surely if you suggest a plan to someone, it is up to you to arrange the details? When I said I'd been busy with work etc she soon moved the conversation onto herself and complained about a meal she'd had, and didn't even say I love you at the end of the call. When we do speak, I get such limited responses and they are always wanting to talk about themselves and such negative things I just don't really want to hear, like bad service they've had recently.

They just don't seem to give any effort back. I'm sick of being the one to go to them, when they have the means to come to me. When DP I sent save the date cards for our wedding, they didn't even acknowledge them. Everyone else we sent them to did, but not my own mother and father. They didn't seem at all interested in the wedding and even booked their own accommodation without letting us know they'd done it, I only found out when I mentioned I'd be booking ours soon.

Am I overreacting? Are parents destined to become rubbish once you reach a certain age? Or do you just stop seeing things through rose tinted glasses and come to realise they were always pretty awful? I don't know what I'm posting for really, maybe just a rant, but I'd love to know if I'm not alone or if I'm over thinking here

@Kitkat151 That’s a bit mean. I think its inevitable that parents end up irritating their adult children but I am trying to remember all the crazy things my parents do and aim to be more self away. For example when retired I won’t slag off my hard working nurse daughter because she never calls! I will make the effort to call her and not sulk when she’s not available. My sister is a nurse and my mum seems to take her busyness personally!

I will try and understand the jobs my children do . I don’t expect my mum to be an expert but at least learn the job title and company! I won’t take my children’s parenting choices as a personal criticism. My mum can’t cope with anyone making decisions that are different to what she does. I find that very strange, it’s crazy intolerant! Why would we be carbon copies of her??

I do love my mum. She never really had a career as she was a stay at home mum. However she now seems to think that entitles her to being the centre of attention in all her children’s lives. She seems to take the fact that we have normal busy lives with children and work as a personal insult! It’s made me realise how important it is for women to have their own lives, careers and interests outside of family.

I struggle with mine now that they are old and feel bad about it but old age hasn’t suited them at all, seems to have brought out the bigotry and anger. They’ve had some tough stuff to deal with, tbh, but nevertheless.

You’re not alone OP. My parents are exactly the same and are getting worse with age. They have never really helped much with the kids and it’s us always going to see them.

My mum also panders to my dad a lot. They have become very negative, self absorbed people, trapped in their own little world and cannot see beyond that. Sick of it really but don’t know what to do about it.

Op mine is worse in age. 80s. All about me me me. Negative and draining. Pampered by dad. Its major hard work. I be happy zero contact. Low contact. Then digs start nobody brings her away. Yeh cause you difficult. As regards your post only so much u can do in your week..

I think this can be hard for some parents to get right. My son left home 7 years ago (to go to Uni), and for the first few years, whenever I texted him, it would sit unread and not replied to for days. So much so, I would worry whether he was okay. Now, he has taken to calling me at least twice a week for a chat. But I feel like I wouldn't want to ring him, as he's so busy, it would most likely be the wrong time. My daughter moved abroad, and we've gone from living together to only exchanging short messages once a week - mainly started by me. We haven't rowed, she is just on this huge adventure, and I feel that if I message her too often I'd be clipping her wings. Very, very hard to get the balance right.

OP, what were their childhoods like?

Partly it sounds like they were poorly socialized, partly it sounds like they feel compelled to "be together as a family" but don't want or enjoy your actual company, so talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I'm not saying your company is irksome, by the way!

I had this to an extent - one parent (who'd had a loveless childhood) had no urge to have more than a superficial relationship with me (or indeed anyone else AFAICS) - the other would be quite happy to come and see me, talk on the phone, etc, and was reasonably affectionate - spot the person who'd grown up with people who loved them!

I found that thinking about how the parent got that way, helped me accept them for who they were and to gear interactions towards whatever had worked best in the past. I stopped doing stuff I didn't want to, and started using the old "stop paying attention to unwanted behaviour" technique that you use with kids and dogs. E.g. if we had schlepped across country after a full working week and got any comments about "nice you're here AT LAST" or similar, I'd just.... let the remark hang awkwardly in the air. Because I knew that they'd passed our house going to see person X or Y and not even rung to see if they could drop in for a cup of tea, so clearly they actually weren't that bothered about seeing us...

I agree it is hard to get the balance right yourself when you have adult children. Both mine work and live away. One seldom responds to my texts, the other is much better at keeping in touch. I seldom phone either, especially the eldest who most likely would not pick up, then send a text promising to ring back then forgets. I do not want to appear too needy.
As for my own mother I am also trying to not repeat her mistakes and in my early 60's still attempts to treat me as a child and I always seems to be the scapegoat amongst the five children she has.
She as someone else commented about wants to be at the 'centre of everyone's lives' Without appreciating we have busy lives of their own.
I rarely visit but phone weekly...but apparently I never ring, she never makes the effort to ring me whilst she frequently manages to phone the rest of the family.
When I do visit the visit is never long enough, it is never ' thank you for coming' instead 'you have nothing to go back for...' For some reason she must assume I do not have a life.
To make matters worse she never stops talking at you so it is not even a two way conversation, it is completely draining and I usually go home feeling like a bad person as she has made me feel that way.
I am going to do my very best to not behave like this with my grown up children, I want them to visit because they want to not out of a sense of duty.

@whenwilliwillibefamous I think you've cracked it, I think poor socialisation probably is, at least partly, why we're at this point. On both parts - I do struggle to voice my opinions and suffer with social anxiety. I'm rubbish at making friends and conversations, and the only person I really pour my heart out to and share my secrets with is my DP. I'm quite closed off really, which definitely doesn't help. I've definitely learned this behaviour from one parent in particular who is the same way (I know this as my DP has informed me before now )

My parents definitely don't have the best social skills - they are the type to sit on their own at family gatherings. They'll make conversation to be polite but it's clear to see it's for show rather than because they want to. They also don't have many friends, and the ones they do have aren't friends from school or friends from over the years, theyre friends they've made since moving about 10 years ago and they're a good 20 years older, which probably isn't helping either.

There are other things that have definitely hampered our relationship, that I do resent, which leads to me finding them irritating and sometimes infuriating, but I don't need to go into that here. I've got what I came for so thank you to everyone who replied.

It's so difficult isn't it, makes me sad. How do we drift apart so much? Almost wish we all still lived within a mile of our birthplace like hundreds of years ago, except hang on, not sure I could cope with my parents being so close! My dc though, yes that would be lovely but maybe they wouldn't think so...!

My own personal view is a lot of older people are unhappy. Many feel trapped in relationships that no longer suit, bodily stuff that’s letting them down be it teeth, ears, knees. Friends dying and leaving them quite lonely or co dependent. Many have very insular self absorbed small worlds and I think this inbuilt anger comes out in ways such as the examples above. So if you have vivacious vibrant older parents — encourage it!!!

Sorry I hit send before I had finished— I think many older people are actually pretty depressed— and as we all know depression isn’t a great motivator ,and can cause you to find little joy or enthusiasm in anything.

'partly it sounds like they feel compelled to "be together as a family" but don't want or enjoy your actual company,'

Thanks for articulating this so well. I feel that my parents see me as 'Daughter number 1', rather than Lotta who is an actual person and who exists separately from them. My dad in particular sees me as a little girl who is still at primary school - I'm 42! It's horrible and messed up and makes it incredibly difficult to develop a robust sense of self as you grow up. I've had a lot of therapy and have distanced myself from them both physically and emotionally, and I'm so much better for it, but it's been bloody hard going

My mother still tries control us. Im close to 50. Its draining. Its a lesson to us all keep your week busy. As her negativity starts then

Loads of great posts on this thread. Have noted many posters similarities with my relationship with my mum and SD.

Best wishes to you all, it's not an easy one to navigate!

I can't comment on your parents really but all I can say is at 55 Im certainly becoming more rigid and can't cope with change as much as I did in my 30s. Consequently I think we do our 22 year old daughters head in already!

Agree with PP that older people say they don't see you enough then make no effort to address this. But also take the point that they may be worried about disturbing people with busier lives. However this went on during lockdown too when clearly people were not out every night living it up and to me it can feel like a test or a game. You can't worry about being a burden AND want to see your children, say what you want and stop playing games.

I also think my mother in particular likes the idea of seeing her adult offspring but isn't actually that bothered in finding out how things are going, preferring to bang on about her life and times. Which I don't mind but effectively it's 'I want to see you so I can talk at you for two hours'.

Agree also you get more insular as you get older and what time the post came today becomes the most fascinating thing to talk about.

My mother is the most belligerent, opinioned, loudest woman in the world and she irritates the tits off me. I love her with all my heart, but 48 hours in her company is plenty.

Yep l can relate to a lot of this thread unfortunately. I have to make the effort with travelling to seeing them, phone calls etc. I work full time and study, they retired young. No interest is shown in my life but lm meant to find theirs fascinating (it’s really not!). They don’t get that l am busier than them and everyone needs to make effort. I’m now in the phase of taking a step back because lm sick of making the effort. Weirdly enough l don’t enjoy spending my evenings, weekends and leave driving half way up the country

Try putting the ball in their court as regarding contacts/meet ups so she can't get huffy with you. I find when people say let's meet up for lunch, it's so vague unless you arrange it, lunch never happens.
So when she says we don't see you, you reply, come to us, we have a spare room, the weekend after next is free.
If she says you never ring, you say, Wednesday afternoon after 4 is best for me so please call then.
What she is doing is placing all the effort on you, so you need to place it back on her.

When I lived with my EXDP, my parents also did that thing of very rarely coming to our house, and always expecting us to go them. Especially my DM. My DF would occasionally come over to collect my DS for a day out, however my DM would always have an excuse ready (she's been a hypochondriac for as long as I can remember).

I wouldn't go out of my way to constantly be contacting them, but just let them know your door is always open. Don't get sucked into responding to the manipulative behaviour, just say whatever it is doesn't work for you, and leave it at that.

We went to see my parents in law at the weekend and it was beyond painful.
They have no interest at all in anything other than their tiny world.
My daughter is getting married next year which was mentioned but not one question was asked about where etc.
My mil goes to the coop at the bottom of their road and that's it despite being fit and healthy.
Felt thoroughly depressed when I got home.
My mum, on the other hand, is the total opposite. Has an active social life and is engaged with life.

@mrskeats. Yep as I mentioned above if you let your world become a very tiny and enclosed world then it’s hard to actually find much to talk about-/ which is why I think unless health prevents it that it’s important to keep your mind active, be aware of what’s happening outside your 4 walls etc and actually find out and give a shit what’s happening in your adult kids lives and minds.