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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Challenging my aunt this evening

59 replies

ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 15:38

and I am terrified. I posted on AIBU about this last week. Full thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4524246-to-think-this-is-not-genuine?pg=9

Basically she is in touch with a Nigerian chap in his 20s. If that is who he is. She's 63. She's got a premium rate phone number from him to contact her on. I found this all out accidentally. She doesnt know I know about it.

I've been in touch with the guy myself. I 'liked' a couple of his pictures to kind of smoke him out. Then I was sent PMs from him. I've had tons of friend requests since from Nigerians.

I've posted in Relationships because it is more about my relationship with her. I am 100% this is a scam.

I am looking for support really. Terrified of bringing it up with her.

OP posts:
whoturnedthesunoff · 11/04/2022 15:41

Go visit her , ask to borrow her phone to report yours is broken
Block and delete him from everywhere

I did read your other post , you are right to be concerned

Please then talk to her about this absolutely vile practice and how vulnerable she is

Take her to the bank and tell them you are worried , can they put some kind of flag on her account ?

Truly awful , I've watched a few documentaries and this makes my bloody boil

lemongreentea · 11/04/2022 15:42

Why are you so terrified of bringing it up with her?

Does shs financially support you in any way or are you hoping for an inheritance?

Is your aunt a vulnerable adult? What does her sibling say? Your mum/dad if they are around?

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 11/04/2022 15:43

Has she any pics? Can you reverse search?

Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 15:54

@whoturnedthesunoff

Go visit her , ask to borrow her phone to report yours is broken Block and delete him from everywhere

I did read your other post , you are right to be concerned

Please then talk to her about this absolutely vile practice and how vulnerable she is

Take her to the bank and tell them you are worried , can they put some kind of flag on her account ?

Truly awful , I've watched a few documentaries and this makes my bloody boil

She has a passcode on her phone. I don't know what it is.
OP posts:
Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 15:58

@lemongreentea

Why are you so terrified of bringing it up with her?

Does shs financially support you in any way or are you hoping for an inheritance?

Is your aunt a vulnerable adult? What does her sibling say? Your mum/dad if they are around?

Oh stop it about the inheritance. What a stupid remark. I've no idea how much money she has. And I don't give a flying one.

I am terrified of upsetting her and damaging our relationship.

Nobody financially supports me, thank you very much. Only me.

I'll get the ouija board out and ask my mum and let you know what she says.

FYI yes she is a vulnerable adult. She doesn't have learning difficulties. She was bereaved and has anxiety, depression and doesn't leave the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 15:59

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

Has she any pics? Can you reverse search?
I said all this on the other thread, but I have and it has revealed nothing. I suspect this person is real but they are part of a scam gang.
OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 16:01

Of course they are part of a scam gang.
Your poor aunt

Sadly, unless she lacks capacity they can bleed her dry and you can do nothing about it. It stinks.

SquirrelFan · 11/04/2022 16:09

She doesn't know you know, right? So when you meet up, tell her about "Jane at work, a lovely, competent woman, who was thought she was entering a relationship with a nice chap from...where was it...Nigeria! Unfortunately, although he sounded really nice, he tricked her into sending him money. He turned out to be married, with 3 children. The police say it's a very common scam, but there's nothing they can do to get the money back."

Bookworm20 · 11/04/2022 16:15

I think you just need to sit down with her and break it to her as gently as possible. tell her know and then tell her this type of scam is really really common and you're worried about her.
Take some articles or anything she can read or watch herself about these types of scams and just tell her you are worried that this chap shes been talking with may not be what he says he is. Tell her they are very clever so she is in no way to have known he wasn't genuine and should not feel embarrassed at all if he turns out to be part of a scam.
Sort of go ont he basis that you are not sure of course, but you just need her to know that this sort of thing happens and she needs to be careful.
She will likely get upset. perhaps defensive, but leave her with stuff to read and just make sure she knows you are there for her and can help her.

mathanxiety · 11/04/2022 16:17

Is there any way you could turn the challenge into some sort of game?
I.e. bet small amounts on whether he will say certain words in return if she sends him a message?

Maybe answer some message you have received and engage your scammer for a while to show her that your Nigerian prince uses the same phrases that hers does?

declutteringmymind · 11/04/2022 16:17

You might want to consider adult social services. This could be financial abuse.

beastlyslumber · 11/04/2022 16:20

@Bookworm20

I think you just need to sit down with her and break it to her as gently as possible. tell her know and then tell her this type of scam is really really common and you're worried about her. Take some articles or anything she can read or watch herself about these types of scams and just tell her you are worried that this chap shes been talking with may not be what he says he is. Tell her they are very clever so she is in no way to have known he wasn't genuine and should not feel embarrassed at all if he turns out to be part of a scam. Sort of go ont he basis that you are not sure of course, but you just need her to know that this sort of thing happens and she needs to be careful. She will likely get upset. perhaps defensive, but leave her with stuff to read and just make sure she knows you are there for her and can help her.
I think this is the best approach. She may be defensive because it's embarrassing and also genuinely quite heartbreaking to think someone could deceive you in such an intimate way. Let her know you're there for her. Tell her you can't be sure, but just in case, she definitely shouldn't send him any (more?) money until she's certain.

Maybe there is something you could do for her - sit with her for a few evenings, take her for a drive somewhere, do something to help alleviate her loneliness? It sounds like you are close and you care about her. Good luck with this.

ItsPrettyObvious · 11/04/2022 16:24

Just a stab in the dark because they may not be able to talk to you but I would try to contact her bank, perhaps go into a branch and ask to speak to a manager? I think they are pretty on the ball anyway with regards to large amounts being withdrawn but if you let them know her situation they might keep a closer eye on any unusual or significant payments leaving her account?

magicstar1 · 11/04/2022 16:26

Be prepared for her not to believe you. We had this issue years ago with a friend of DH's. He was chatting to a woman online and sent her thousands. We told him what she was doing, told him what her next lines would be...even found a Dr. Phil episode where they spelled it out step by step. Told him that he'd soon get a message saying she'd been in an accident and was calling his name from her hospital bed etc. Every thing happened as we said, but he sent her more money and just cut off contact with his friends.
I hope you have a better outcome.

Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 16:29

@magicstar1

Be prepared for her not to believe you. We had this issue years ago with a friend of DH's. He was chatting to a woman online and sent her thousands. We told him what she was doing, told him what her next lines would be...even found a Dr. Phil episode where they spelled it out step by step. Told him that he'd soon get a message saying she'd been in an accident and was calling his name from her hospital bed etc. Every thing happened as we said, but he sent her more money and just cut off contact with his friends. I hope you have a better outcome.
What goes through their heads? Why do they fall for it.
OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2022 16:37

These people are the absolute lowest of the low. But tbh as PP said I would be prepared for her to not believe you.

To her this is a relationship, in the same way that someone might have a relationship in the real world that their family disapproves of.

The aunt of a friend went through almost the exact same situation. Bereaved, lonely, befriended by someone on the internet and eventually she started giving him money. The money she gave him amount to about £60000 in total until she had bankrupted her late husband’s business. Once the money had gone he obviously disappeared, but even now she doesn’t believe he was a scammer and is still adamant that he loves her and is just unable to be in touch. Sad

It has destroyed her relationship with her family as she has simply cut them off.

Juniper68 · 11/04/2022 16:40

That's a good idea about the bank.
Am so sorry to hear this. Must be so frustrating for you Sad

Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 11/04/2022 16:47

@Juniper68

That's a good idea about the bank. Am so sorry to hear this. Must be so frustrating for you Sad
I don't know who she banks with either. I must try and find out.
OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2022 16:49

What goes through their heads? Why do they fall for it.
An internet connection can be incredibly powerful. You talk to someone, you click with them, you have things in common,and before you realise it you have developed a connection, and then feelings for the person you believe you’re talking to.

I know an awful lot of people who have become romantically involved with someone they’ve met online. In most cases they have actually gone on to meet these people and the connection has still been there, but even in the case of someone who has never met someone, that connection still exists, and before they realise they’re treating it as a proper relationship with a partner in the real world. Except it isn’t.

Echobelly · 11/04/2022 16:56

@Bookworm20 has the right idea - gather as much evidence as possible, show it to her. It's probably several guys taking it in turn to contact her. The chances are if she asks for information about him it will be inconsistent, or if she were to try giving information about herself that wasn't consistent 'he' won't notice.

Ask her if he's taking genuine interest in her life like a real person would: 'How was your friend's party yesterday?', 'How did your visit to the doctor go?'

Or does he just ask generic questions like 'How are you baby?', 'What are you doing today beautiful?'

I mean, people say they are clever but I'll tell you i've sometimes 'friended' these scammers for a laugh and they just have generally repeat those generic questions, say they love you, you're beautiful, he wants to marry you. But I guess if someone is lonely enough she may fall for it? They don't rush into the financial crisis stuff, they will bide their time, btw.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/04/2022 17:02

Definitely try and get in touch with the bank, Vulnerable Customers are a big thing at the moment (the FCA brought in new guidelines). They probably won't be able to tell you much but it will be possible to flag internally.

She has a passcode on her phone. I don't know what it is

Well, she'll have to unlock it for her if you ask to borrow it for something?

ItsPrettyObvious · 11/04/2022 17:04

I sometimes think these poor people are so very lonely they probably know deep down it's all bollocks but as long as someone is saying "I love you" and giving them regular phone calls they don't care 💔

HaggisBurger · 11/04/2022 17:10

Good luck. Just be prepared that you may not be able to save her from this. You can only do what you can do as kindly and firmly as you can.

Of course it is a scam. There will be requests for Amazon cards to get mobile phones after one is stolen and invariably a sick child. I hope she listens.

The bank idea is a good one. Yes data / GDPR will mean they can’t say much but her account may be flagged as vulnerable

milcal · 11/04/2022 17:17

Good luck talking to you aunt. You are doing the right thing and this has to stop before she loses any money or more if she has already transferred some.

It's definitely a scam and one that targets vulnerable people.

Your aunt might not believe you at first but keep trying.

SouperNoodle · 11/04/2022 17:20

Good luck!

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